How did you find out they were cheating?

[Frecklesandspecs]

How, why and when?!

Me and H have had problems for quite a while and are on the verge of separating. (I want to, he doesn't)
Anyway he's always been a bit of a workaholic, often strolls in 10pm, never before 7. I'd just kind of got used to it until I ealised a few months ago he was going out at 5.30am. 6.30 am I can kind of Imagine e would be sensible but 5.30am just seems way too early and coming back at the time he does.
He walks to the station (20 mins roughly) and gets train into London (approx. 45 mins at most I think)
This happens every day pretty much. I know his job can have long hours and this has been hard to deal with but this just seems a bit nutty?!
I really am starting to wonder here.

Sorry for all your horrible experiences. When confronted did thy try to deny?
I've very little to go on so I certainly won't be confronting yet at least.

Dark, partly that too. He is just unengaged with any family life. However, when I've mentioned separating he just wants it all!

Not me, but my cousin. She found a Valentine's card in her ExH's glovebox signed by him, vv mushy-I can't live without you-you are my life, etc, etc signed by him 'with all my love' and thought 'how sweet', left it there for him to give to her. It wasn't the card she received. Hers was a very generic unromantic 'to my wife' simply signed 'his name'. She confronted him, he shrugged and admitted he'd been cheating on her for 'quite some time' as if it was no big deal (which to him, it wasn't).

He lied and lied. I flipping well caught him with his tongue down her throat and his hand up her skirt.
He lied about everything. He denied everything. I swear I thought I was losing my mind as he twisted every detail. I wished I had Mumsnet as I didn't know anything about gaslighting or what the tell tale signs were.

He got weird.
Angry quicker and guarded his phone.
I found out from phone bills. I did his expenses FFS. Dick head.
I just knew TBH.
But that was 6 years ago.
It's a bit different now with whatsapp and all that. No money or call trace.

Mine went off with an ex girlfriend he'd had before me. We'd relocated from London to norfolk and he still went back to London every few months to stay with his mum for a weekend. Those weekends became more frequent and I noticed he'd added the ex on Facebook and became more possessive and secretive over his phone and laptop. A few weeks after a visit to his mums he told me he was leaving and I never saw him or heard from him again after that ! (Neither did dd).

I had to write to him at his mums house with the divorce papers later and his mum was very apologetic and said she had no idea what he was up to when he visited as far as she knew he was just out with old friends. (Clearly I don't blame his mum at all just interesting).

One of the biggest tell tale signs for me funny enough was him getting really into random herbal teas and health stuff when he'd never done that before - straight after he'd come back from being at his mums. (I never went to his mum's with him as in worked weekends).

Not me but a friend found a footprint on the inside of her car windscreen

Oh Sexnames

I knew my ex was cheating when he came in as normal, greeted me, walked across to me as I sat working, and tried to kiss the top of my head.

All this was normal, but to my surprise my body physically recoiled, ducked down and avoided his kiss.

You know, it may be that hr has an affair, it may be that he doesn't, but what do you want to do about your marriage now that he is hardly paying attention to it?

If it is to sort it, take the steps of sorting it before things go off rails. If you want to leave, you don't need an excuse, just leave when you are ready.

One of my friends asked me what would I do if I knew he was having an affair, my first thought was "great, he will leave me alone for a while". It was at that precise moment that I realised my marriage was over. i suspected the affair (he was traveling to the same place more than usual) but TBH I was beyond caring.

Lovespeace, He only ever does that on the (very) occasional now times he wants sex but like you did, I've been doing that for a while. Physically I'm just not there.

Tiger, you are absolutely right. I know it was over a while ago but it's been hard putting my finger on something to say 'that's the reason'.
IOW if he was cheating, maybe it would be easier.
He's shut us all out by not talking for days with the silent treatment, the sarcasm and criticismm that effectively, I have shut down.
I don't think I'd care either if he was tbh. It might give me more explanation though as to why he hasn't spent time or invested in the family.

My poor poor poor teenage son found out as she was IN HIS FRIENDSHIP GROUP! He kept it quiet for months then told his older brother who told me.
The rest is history and so is he

If you don't love him anymore and he doesn't care either, just start preparing the exit, it doesn't has to be tomorrow (it took me a couple of years to get ready to leave) but don't wait for an excuse, the way he ignores you is a good enough one if he doesn't want to change.

Believe me, it is more difficult to take the decision to leave, than dealing with the consequences of it.

Mine brought new shirts and started wearing aftershave, I knew something was not sitting right and then was looking for keys and found two cinema stubs in his cost pocket - then I knew, he then confessed.

MushroomMama That's real class on your friends bed animal type eh;!.

brokenhearted55a I though that you seemed very bitter can easily after a week on this board understand why now;(

Frecklesandspecs Well it dosen't sound much of a life for you does it?. Does he need to work as much as that I did work long hours but I could work from home I was only 10 seconds away from DW at the time perhaps some serious "i'm not happy talks" are needed!".

I got a text out of the blue from the ow telling me everything.

The signs had been there for months and although I was devastated, it was a relief to finally know.

Mobile phone never left his side, becoming nasty to me, strange sexual behaviour, jumping in shower straight after work, coming in at 6am after nights out.

I kicked him out that day, divorced within a year and never looked back.

Ivykaty, he did buy a bunch of (expensive) new shirts a few weeks ago and dumped all his (not that old but cheaper maybe, shirts.
I noticed he is using a David Beckham aftershave now which I am desperately trying to remember if I bought or not.
Ty Tiger for the heads up and justaboy, talking gets us nowhere. We have tried but I'm past it as it is always turned around on myself.

He kept taking dd out supposedly to give me a break. If I suggested that what would really give me a break would be to go out with them he would get cross and drive off just with dd. I would then get him returning in a better mood claiming to have spent time with his best mate.

I bought that excuse until dd (aged 3) told me that the best mate's wife had said to her that she was dd's other mummy. This was denied by xh but then I started getting claims about the affair in messages from the wife that were initially denied by xh then grudgingly admitted to

dulce

He followed the script to the letter.

Honestly, I think you're ready to call it, OW or no. It's about how you feel, not about what he has or hasn't done.

You don't need to find a reason to end the marriage if you're unhappy. That's reason enough.

The script.

Glued to his phone and passworded it. Texting on it constantly, morning til evening.
Started going to bed at 8.30, before the kids, and having whispered calls.
Banking was weird, money out and in, to and from her, including money I had just transferred to him.
Working away all week, so hardly seeing the kids, but started going to work on a Sunday afternoon 'to avoid the drive the next morning', thus losing even more time with the kids.
More or less lack of interest in the kids when he was home.
Grumpy, miserable, fucking idiot.

Still denies the majority if it to this day. We split to and a half years ago now. We live four hours apart. He sees the kids every 3 weeks. He split with her not long after they properly got together. His family never knew about her. She remained a dirty little secret for their short time together. He regrets the time lost with his kids now. He won't get it back and we're happier living without him and his moods.

As someone else has already said, OP, whether he has cheated or not is irrelevant. If you feel you can't trust him any longer and that he has already checked out emotionally (as mine did) then get rid and start living your life. The life you and your children deserve.

I was given fantastic advice and support on here. I hope you get the same.

Frecklesandspecs did you know you can probably set up your WiFi router to log all websites visited (even if internet history deleted). Or it may even have this set up already.

I can explain how to do this if you like.

We all worked together and I could sense the dynamic between them. He was on his phone texting all the time and started going out more. I looked on his phone one night when he was passed out drunk and it was all there in black and white. Ouch.