How did you find out they were cheating?

[Frecklesandspecs]

How, why and when?!

Me and H have had problems for quite a while and are on the verge of separating. (I want to, he doesn't)
Anyway he's always been a bit of a workaholic, often strolls in 10pm, never before 7. I'd just kind of got used to it until I ealised a few months ago he was going out at 5.30am. 6.30 am I can kind of Imagine e would be sensible but 5.30am just seems way too early and coming back at the time he does.
He walks to the station (20 mins roughly) and gets train into London (approx. 45 mins at most I think)
This happens every day pretty much. I know his job can have long hours and this has been hard to deal with but this just seems a bit nutty?!
I really am starting to wonder here.

Sleepy, I'm sure he has it set up already (he's a programmer) and probably watching what I'm doing on mumsnet
I have no idea how to do it though so yes please. I don't know any passwords though (apart from my own pc)

Lilac, how has it been moving far away as I'd probably go near my mum and brother which is about 3.5 hours away. I don't really have anyone in RL close here where we live ATM.

WWIFN told me on here. All the usual signs and symptoms including the classic, "I love you but I'm not in love with you".
He was out of the house within 20 minutes. His worldly goods were deposited at OW's house 12 hours later. He then spent about 3 months trying to persuade me I was paranoid, unfortunately with some success. But I got the truth eventually. He made 2 fairly pathetic attempts to come back home.
5 years later he's still with OW but refuses to move in with her. He lives in a rented flat, is up to his eyes in debt, drinks heavily and recently lost his job. He holds me personally responsible for all his misfortunes. I'm ashamed I had a child with him.
I live in the family home and have a new partner who loves me and treats my children better than my ex ever did. My life is immeasurably improved for having kicked ex's sorry arse out even though it hurt like hell at the time.

Total script here too. Distancing, odd phone behaviour, a stray wrapped condom turning up in the washing machine. He worked away more and more. I couldn't do anything right. A bit of mentionitis about a colleague.

I got a call one sunny day during the school holidays from her now xh, who'd been on the case for months and finally got concrete evidence. He'd give them an ultimatum then called me.

It was bloody hideous. We're actually on good terms now but I will never trust him again.

I'm happy for you clef. It's good to hear that there is light at the end!
It's quite scary how many people have been cheated on in the space of an hour or two. Thanks for sharing.

One thing that always giggled me though was when I first met h, we talked about these kind of scenarios and he said 'I wouldn't tell you anyway as I wouldn't want to hurt you'. I remember that quite clearly!
The others are right though. I don't 'need' another reason to leave. He's accused me of wanting to break the family up and 'wasting the kids inheritance etc but I do know deep down what I need to do.

He was distant, glued to his phone, I had a gut feeling something wasn't right. There was a 'friend' of his I had a feeling about, luckily her FB page was set to public = bingo! She'd checked in to the same gig he had gone too, same venue blah blah blah! Opened a whole can of worms! More than I ever imagined.

Freckles * I think you know the answer to this one, you just it seems need approval to make the Go decision and I think you should, your just Not happy and it doesn't look like you will be him cheating which i think he is.

Me and the ex wife started falling apart a while ago it was several things which neither of us could do owt about that triggered it off. She did have a very brief affair for which since I've forgiven her for but we're now divorced and its not that bad at least were still talking well mailing as and when. I'm looking after DD3 and in all I think everyone is happier.

I'm OK on my own but would like another lady to just do the things that couples should enjoy doing together and that will, I'm optimistic, will come. This time I'll make sure that we have some shared interests which will I think help no end.

FWIW during our 19 year marriage most of it were very good times and i don't much recall even looking at another woman let alone having an affair with one. I was very content with the lady I had I didn't want for another.

So go on girl just do it and get it over and done with!.

Clef, please don't be ashamed you had a child with your child's dad. I ha degree with my ex before he turned into a fuckwit and I believe that the good bits of him (there are still some, despite the fuckwittery) kind of siphoned out of him and into them. I wouldn't swap my kids for the world, despite their de being an arse. :-)

OP, he was withdrawn, moody, started drinking a lot. On my first day back at work after mat leave, I got home and walked in on him on the phone to his mate 'Ian' (mobile not house phone, those were the days when mobile calls wee far more expensive, we had three kids under 5, cash was very tight) I found it strange. He left his mobile laying around when he was out for a boys night with 'Ian.' I hacked it and found lovey dovey messages to OW.

went out with friends as planned that night having left him a letter taped to the front door with 'adulterer' on the envelope and pocketed his phone so I could spend my peripheral time at work texting her that she was a slut and she was welcome to him. Went home the next day, packed his bags. Brought up three children just about single handed, bent over backwards to make sure he could see his kids, chortled slightly when he left OW when she had a 9 month old baby for OW2.

We're friends after a fashion now. DCs are 20, 17 & 16, all reasonably Ok ans not too damaged by a 'broken' (ugh) home. I have a reasonably well paid job and a lovely bloke. Life is good.

I think, OP, you don't need an excuse to leave. An OW Always strikes me as an excuse, a laziness for not addressing problems in a relationship.

Sorry for typos, I am hopped up on cold meds. :-). You get the jist. :-)

AmazonGracce Is it me or is it that most all of the men on here can't organise a bl**dy booze up in a brewery. If their cheating then it seems to me there not that good at it. Do they really want to be found out some of the examples here phones with all manner of texts, advertising it all on farcebook leaving their computer on with history not rubbished buying new shirts and perfumes, well aftershaves never did understand what a bloke needed to do that. Leaving used johnnies around I ask you why the hell bring those things home?.

Freckles programmers are odd people and from what I know of computers and networks he might be able to trace you on MN it will be in the browser history and you can if you wan erase that when you close it but my take is he's up to no good with Miss X somewhere;(

In fact I know my ex was on Skype that has an odd signature in the internet router, shows up quite clearly!.

Thanks Justaboy. Shared interests, Yes, I totally agree. I've given up all of my own, partly because I don't have time with the children in tow and because I guess they are not 'shared'.

How do I manage this router thing? I have' in private' windows on my tablet. Would this help?
Also, if I delete history will it erase from router too?
(as you can see, no shared interest in the computer side of things!)

Snapes, yes. Agreed.
Your post made me laugh. I wish I had your guts. I've got 3 as well under 6. I know I'll cope (as I've pretty much coped singlehandedly until now apart from finances) it's him I'm worried about! Why?
I feel guilty, almost like I'm leaving a child. I'm worrying about stupid hi s like how he'll feed himself, iron..... he's 42 ffs!
What is wrong with me?!
He's actually been pretty nasty through much of our relationship, I should just be able to run.

Unless you know where to look and at what then leave it alone. It might not be the same one as we have here which is a rather complex one. Best bet is to delete your history that's easily done in most computers or tablets. Put a good strong password on it he'll need to crack that first as many letters and number s as you can remember at least 12.

But this is piddling on a house fire really isnt it, you need to end the relationship after all is it that even?.

OK I should caution thst if he's likely to be looking at the logs himself he may well notice you've logged into the router, as it may leave a trail on the router - do you really think he's checking you on the router logs?

Anyway if you want to see the logs you need to

1. Find out your router's IP address

By default, most router manufacturers use 192.168.0.1 or 192.168.1.1

Try these two first - copy and paste router IP address into your browser (in the address bar where you usually type a Web address)

1. You should be at a log in screen. If not Google "what is my router IP" and investigate to find out.

3.You need to find out the username and password.
Most people leave their router with default settings. You need to find out what yours are. You could try these (in any order)

a. For username / password try:
admin / admin - especially if on Talk Talk
or (blank) / admin
or (blank) / (blank)

b. Look at your router and see if it has the admin password on a sticker on it (note this is NOT the same as the network password that you use to access the WiFi)

c. Find out your router model - probably written on your router - and Google what is the admin password for your router, or use this site www.routerpasswords.com

d. If there is no model number Google default admin passwords for your internet service provider, if they supplied your router (eg Talk Talk / BT / Sky etc) or for the router brand

e. If all else fails maybe call your ISP and ask them what the password for accessing the router is.

If you can't get your password then you're stuck! But most are on the default setting AFAIK

1. Once you're in, look around to try to find the logs. Don't change anything at this point! Just have a look. It will probably be a downloadable file although it could be a list on a page. And it probably won't be set up to record all URLs already, but worth checking just in case

1. If it's not already set up to show all URLs, then follow these instructions.

www.howtogeek.com/68886/

Disclaimer - I got as far as step 4 but have not set up URL logging. My DP was acting strange with his phone (while on our wifi) and it reassured me to know I could look if I wanted to. After some consideration I don't think he is having an affair though. I think it's porn and I figured I didn't want to open that pandora's box - once i look i won't be able to unsee it - and that he's entitled to his privacy (I read erotic fiction sometimes and i'd be mortified if he knew exactly what I read!).

If I seriously thought someone I was with was cheating i'd do it in a heartbeat though.

But as others have said you don't need an excuse to leave anyway.

"Also, if I delete history will it erase from router too?"

If i've understood how it works correctly then no it won't.

If you want to be really sure something you are looking at is private, look at it on your phone using the phone signal not the WiFi, then clear phone history. I dare say it's still possible to get the data out of your phone somehow, but harder as it's presumably with you most of the time.

Thank you sheep. I'll have a look for password on router tomorrow as the ones you put may be default don't work.

In my case it followed the usual script quite closely. First of all there was a feeling that something had changed, something wasn’t quite right but didn’t know what. DW was spending more time at the gym, and socialising with the same friends, I was never invited. DW then started to detach, affection and sex got less then stopped. Quite early on I wondered about an affair but was disgusted with myself for even considering it, I felt that I had betrayed her for even thinking of it. I then went into 6 months of denial, tried to rationalise every pointer to something innocent. DW was more conscious of her appearance, food preferences changed, bedtimes never seemed to coincide, lots of leaving parties from work that needed an overnight stay. Sometimes things were tense, felt like I was being goaded into an argument (which I always avoided). Came to a head when I started having nightmares about it, invited DW out for a day I knew she would normally accept and enjoy but she made excuses instead, suggested I should go alone and take lots of pictures to show her. Thats when I decided I needed to know so I looked at her email, within 30 seconds me and life changed for ever, the first email was along the lines of "I cant believe its a year since since we fell in love .....".

What followed was an awful few years, including DW telling me the night before DC2's A-Level exams started that she was leaving, but to carry on as normal so as not to upset DC2 during the exams, she would leave after they were over.

Anyway she didn’t leave, but didn’t immediately stop the affair. It then stopped for a while, then started again behind my back, all the time assuring me that it was now all innocent. It did eventually stop but in total it was 4 years of hell, we are still together and the family and friends largely unaware. I am just thankful that things sorted themselves out in the end.

Mine passworded his phone and ipad. This happened every time he had someone on the go. I cracked his phone code and got into his texts. (Just google "how to bypass lock screen [phone model]")

I also hacked into his email since I knew his recovery question and found his signup welcome emails to several hookup sites.

Meant to add, in my case his behaviour changed for the better: he was cheerful and happy and a bit silly most of the time - in retrospect, exactly how you are when you've had a good date with someone! He did want less sex than normal however.

My partner's best friend emailed me. Apparently my GF had been having sex with my best mate. I had my suspicions at the time.

Classic script-
(1) phone glued to him;
(2) mentioning random woman from work lots;
(3) weird working hours;
(4) decreased interest in sex coupled with a random desire to try new things that weren't very 'me' when we did occasionally shag;
(5) a few overnight trips with work;
(6) buying perfume at the airport on our way on holiday for someone at work;
(7) spending a random £25 in Boots from our joint account on 'you know, just man stuff' that never appeared in our bathroom- turned out it was a morning after pill for OW;
(8) trimming his pubes
(9) wearing aftershave
(10) weird CD in the car CD player of music that neither of us liked;
(11) mobile phone bill showing £200 in one month being spent on calls and texts to one number that I didn't recognise.

Bastard.

It wasn't the first time that something had gone on. But it was the last and only time I knew for sure.

He sent me a valentines card.

He wrote the wrong letter at the beginning of my name. He wrote an L, then changed it to a K.

I noticed it straight away. I remember saying to him, "did you forget how to write my name?!" with a laugh. He fobbed it off with "I was going to write Love then changed my mind."

Turns out it was the first letter of the OW's name. He left me about a month later. It was all my fault of course, I was to blame, I was doing this and that and it was killing him inside so he had to leave me. Swore blind there was nobody else, the liar.

Funny thing was he moved in with her virtually straight away but he still spent months trying to have sex with me after he left.

He's been with L for 5 years. She still has no idea about all the times he hung around trying it on with me.

Mine's ex wife phoned me to tell me, in glorious detail, for about an hour. During which I sat very still and said very little.

I mainly had contact with her to sort the kids' arrangements, so this was a bit of a shock.

She found out when someone called her to tell her about the blonde girl her ex husband was taking out. I'm not blonde.

She then went into full on detective mode, found out dates, times etc then phoned me with the evidence.

Phone never left his side, when previously he'd left it in the hall overnight
Cold and critical. Would look at me with 'dead' eyes
Worked away constantly, weekends included.

Was so unbelievably horrible to me at his sister's wedding that his mum asked me wtf was he on and could I keep him under control.
Another valentines card one - all he wrote on it was 'I remembered x'. He's very into flowery declarations of love, so the choice of words said it all.
Went off sex, and when we did had trouble getting it up. I laugh about that now.
Lipstick on collar (yes, really)
Wanted to separate, but there was 'no one else'

Eventually he told me most of the story. The whole story took several years to come out.

He took our 4 year old son out to visit his parents... then called me to tell me that his girlfriend had - allegedly prematurely - had his baby in the early hours of that morning, and he was taking our son off to visit his new sister.

Honestly, I do suspect that if the baby hadn't been born at 24 weeks (fortunately, she was okay and is an absolutely delightful 6 year old now), he'd not have come clean at all.

Ironically, I get on better with the OW, whom he eventually married, than I do with him. Wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire - my DC's father, or not. Because of the cheating and the lies he told about it. At one point, he even told our small son that he was the liar when he innocently tried to tell me about "Daddy's friend"...