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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please give me your opinion on this

111 replies

Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 10:21

It was my Dads funeral the other day. I was off work the day after and asked DH if he could work from home, as I felt like I didn't want to be alone. He said he couldn't as he had things on at work.

It turns out that he met an ex-colleague for lunch in the pub (pre-arranged) and then spent most, possibly all, of the afternoon in the pub. He finishes work at 5.30pm and had a ticket for the fast train home which should have seen him back by about 6.30pm.

He didn't get home until 8pm and was clearly drunk. He maintains that because it was raining he just couldn't get home. He works in central London, which doesn't shut down when it rains. Even if there were delays it would have to have been a major event for it to have delayed him for that long. There are also two train lines that he could get home on. So if there genuinely were delays on one route he could have taken the other. I pointed this out to him and his response was that he already had a return ticket on the line he claims was delayed. However, he has a season ticket for the other line so it wouldn't have cost a penny for him to have reverted to that route home.

I haven't spoken to him since. I feel that he prioritised drinking over supporting and comforting me when I needed him. I spent most of that afternoon in tears and was looking forward to him getting home. I ended up alone and having to try and eat my dinner with my toddler running riot as I couldn't get him to sleep. He was no use when he did come home as he was drunk.

He maintains I am being hugely unreasonable and taking my grief out on him. He has not attempted to apologise and just maintains that I am being completely unreasonable.

To clarify he was not close to my Dad, only saw him once or twice a year, no contact in between so it's not a case that he was overcome by his own grief hence why he went to the pub.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 21/09/2015 10:30

No excuses, but some men don't want to deal with grief - yours or their own. He should have put you first, no question. My XH would have given anything to have been far, far away when my mother died, but he was at home and stepped up to the plate. The same could not be said for when his own father died. He knew it was just a matter of a few days, but accepted a job in South Africa and declared he would not come home for the funeral if his dad died. Less than 12 hours after he left, his DF died and he did not come home, thus escaping having to deal with the grief of everyone. His son has come to several funerals, and sat outside in his car listening to the radio, as he 'finds funerals difficult'. Shock Hmm

I'm sorry, but i don't care how difficult you find grief. Man up and deal with it! I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers I hope you are able to make him understand, but you may have to think hard about your relationship with him.

tessiegirl · 21/09/2015 10:37

Yep, that would have pissed me off too....

BoredAdminGirl · 21/09/2015 10:40

If my DP had just lost a parent there is no way I would have chosen the pub over comforting her.

He has been very unreasonable and shown no respect for you. If he can't see this then he is a douche

TPel · 21/09/2015 10:42

He was an insensitive twat who has made this all about him instead of supporting you during a very sad time. Is he like this a lot?

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

RiceCrispieTreats · 21/09/2015 10:46

He thinks you are being unreasonable because your grief and need for support are intruding on his piss-up time, which he finds very inconvenient. He is also willing to lie to you about it ("rain"...).

He is a selfish man, Themis.

I am sorry for your loss.

Jan45 · 21/09/2015 10:48

Shocked that he did this to you at a time when you needed support, total dick.

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 10:59

He maintains I am unreasonable for doubting his ridiculous excuse for not being able to get home.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 21/09/2015 11:03

Why are you focusing at all on his accusation? He's deflecting blame so that you're too busy defending yourself to keep reminding him of his own failure.

The ONLY issue in the room is that he failed to be there for you, prioritised drinking instead, and then lied to you about it.

Don't spend even one second deflecting his ridiculous counter-accusation. The issue is his behaviour. Keep your focus squarely on that.

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 11:07

I'm not don't worry. I just wanted other opinions on it.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/09/2015 11:09

I agree, don't even dignify his indignation at you not beleiving him. That's just a deflection tactic.

Long and the short of it is he shouldn't have gone ("Sorry mate I'm going to have to take a rain check, my poor wife lost her dad and she's so cut up I don't want her to have to be by herself all day!") but if he did he should have been home early

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 11:23

Thanks everyone.

Sorry for the drip feeding but this is a pattern of behaviour from him not just a one off. I just wanted people's opinions on this particular event independent of anything else.

I have asked him to move out. He has let me down in this way repeatedly, and over the past year it has got worse and worse. The fact that he did it the day after my Dads funeral was just the last straw. I'm shocked that he could be such an arsehole.

He maintains he isn't in the wrong and that he is under a lot of stress at work. I don't think it justifies his behaviour though. I cannot rely on him as I never know if he is going to come home or if he does if he will be sober. I'm constantly in a state of anxiety about it.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/09/2015 11:26

And is he going?

Does he work in the City by any chance?

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 11:29

No he doesn't work in the city.

He had better be going or I will and I will take our son. I'm due baby 2 in 9 weeks so I dont have time to mess around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 11:30

The complete Dick has just emailed me this:

I didn’t prioritise anything. I am struggling to see the connection between your Dads funeral and me going to the pub but as I said I had issues getting back. Yes I may have used it as an excuse to have a few at Victoria but the network was shot to bits which am not surprised as it was the worst torrential downpours I have seen in years. I mean it didn’t stop raining all day! I really cannot be held responsible for a, the weather b, TFL and c, Network Rail. I know you lash out and get angry as a way of dealing with things but quite frankly that’s stepping well over the mark.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2015 11:31

that was really fucking mean

what kind of job does he do that is soooo important he can spend the afternoon getting pissed in the pub instead of giving some consideration to his wife ?

for contrast, my H would have taken the day off with me and spent it in any way I chose to

AnyFucker · 21/09/2015 11:32

ugh, he is a knob and probably an alcoholic...alcoholics will ride roughshod over everything and everybody to get their fix

NameChange30 · 21/09/2015 11:35

He is a selfish unsupportive arse. Since you said it's a pattern and not just a one-off I think you're right to want to end things. His email is both pathetic and nasty btw. You're better off without him.

Lweji · 21/09/2015 11:40

I see that he is in the habit of letting you down and you have sent him on his way.

You don't have to justify your decision to him, and certainly not over one event.

But, having been in Central London with trains being cancelled, I have always done my best to find the available routes, even if it included walking for over 30 min to get home instead of the usual less than 5. Not sit on the pub drinking. And certainly not when I knew my OH wanted/needed me at home.

I think the only possible answer is that you are not angry but have finally come to accept that you can't expect him to behave like someone who loves you and supports you.

ImperialBlether · 21/09/2015 11:43

Anyone else living/working in London who can back up this torrential downpour that stopped all traffic?

If work is stressing him out, how come he's able to go drinking all afternoon? I wouldn't be stressed out by a job where I could do that!

By the way, was the ex-colleague male or female? And was he the only one who stayed out drinking? He may not have a job soon.

He's not trustworthy, OP. He drinks too much, he's a liar and ultimately he's not there for you. You would do much better without him.

ToGoBoldly · 21/09/2015 11:46

I go via the same station and the trains were shit as usual, but nothing that could not be worked around - they were not at a standstill or much worse than normal.

Sorry about your dad, OP Flowers

pocketsaviour · 21/09/2015 11:52

A marriage should be a team effort. If you can't rely on your partner to give you comfort and support during such an emotional time, then their heart is not in the marriage.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

DreamingOfADifferentMe · 21/09/2015 11:55

Oh OP, I've been there and done that.

I was with a man who maintained he didn't have an issue with drink ("I can give up whenever I want. I don't need it, I just enjoy it") for 16 years. He repeatedly chose drinking over me, and over our son, and while individual incidents didn't seem a big deal on their own, they chipped away at me bit by bit until I woke up and realised how little I featured in his priorities. The final straw was when I really, really needed him and he chose not to be there, emotionally or physically. That was it.

I hardened up, got myself a new job (part time previously, but needed a full-time job in order to provide for my son) and within a few months, I'd moved out with our son. It was bloody hard, and I wasn't pregnant at the time, but it was the best thing I ever did. No-one should be made to feel second best, least of all at a time when they need the most support. He behaved shockingly and his email makes it ten times worse. You don't need anyone's approval to do what you think is right, but for what it's worth, I think you're making the right choice. It may not be forever as it could be the huge kick up the arse that he needs to get his priorities right, or it could the beginning of a much happier life. Bravo OP. Lean on us here for support.

TheUrbaneFox · 21/09/2015 11:55

I don't think you are "taking your grief out on him".

You asked for support just after your father's funeral and he didn't give it. As well as not giving it, he's accusing you of 'taking your grief out on him'.
I suppose he can't come right out and say, i chose a boozy lunch over racing home to support you. But that is the choice he made.

I'm sorry about your dad Flowers

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 11:56

No it's obvious that his heart is not in the marriage, and yes he is an alcoholic (still in denial).

The thing is I don't think he can understand why I am now at the point where my heart is no longer in the marriage either. I've been telling him for months how unhappy I am and that his behaviour is not on, but he seems to think that I should just carry on regardless.

OP posts:
TheUrbaneFox · 21/09/2015 11:59

looking at his email, he says you've shown inappropriate anger.

have you?! It sounds more like you said out loud that he had chosen to have a boozy lunch over coming home to you. YOu called him out on that choice and knowing that you were right, that you correctly identified the choice he'd made, that made him angry and defensive!!