Please give me your opinion on this

[Themis1977]

It was my Dads funeral the other day. I was off work the day after and asked DH if he could work from home, as I felt like I didn't want to be alone. He said he couldn't as he had things on at work.

It turns out that he met an ex-colleague for lunch in the pub (pre-arranged) and then spent most, possibly all, of the afternoon in the pub. He finishes work at 5.30pm and had a ticket for the fast train home which should have seen him back by about 6.30pm.

He didn't get home until 8pm and was clearly drunk. He maintains that because it was raining he just couldn't get home. He works in central London, which doesn't shut down when it rains. Even if there were delays it would have to have been a major event for it to have delayed him for that long. There are also two train lines that he could get home on. So if there genuinely were delays on one route he could have taken the other. I pointed this out to him and his response was that he already had a return ticket on the line he claims was delayed. However, he has a season ticket for the other line so it wouldn't have cost a penny for him to have reverted to that route home.

I haven't spoken to him since. I feel that he prioritised drinking over supporting and comforting me when I needed him. I spent most of that afternoon in tears and was looking forward to him getting home. I ended up alone and having to try and eat my dinner with my toddler running riot as I couldn't get him to sleep. He was no use when he did come home as he was drunk.

He maintains I am being hugely unreasonable and taking my grief out on him. He has not attempted to apologise and just maintains that I am being completely unreasonable.

To clarify he was not close to my Dad, only saw him once or twice a year, no contact in between so it's not a case that he was overcome by his own grief hence why he went to the pub.

Thoughts please?

You could leave some of his stuff out in a safe place and message him to say where it is. Worth adding a lot of 'I don't know where you are' or 'I am assuming you have found alternative accommodation as I requested' so you have a record of not preventing him from having necessary stuff, e.g. toothbrush, change of clothes. But then I would still keep ignoring the door if I were you.

My best guess is that he's playing a game to see if you chase up after him.

An alternative is that he has someone else and he's staying there.

I don't think he has someone else. I've been checking his work phone and I can access his personal phone bill online. One of his friends works in London a couple of times a month and stays in a hotel so I reckon he met him and stayed.
He is out tonight and the tickets for the gig are still here so he will have to come back at some point. I am expecting him to pull a sickie or " work from home" today. He is willing to do these things when it's not for a silly reason like supporting his grieving wife.

He had left keys outside for a builder that didn't come yesterday. He intended to use them to get in himself yesterday. I have brought the keys inside so he has no way of gaining access.

Am I ok legally to do this? Could I put his clothes in bin liners and leave them outside and refuse to let him in?

Legally you can't. He could get a locksmith to gain access to the house. Or he could go to court.
It would show him you're not joking, though.

But I can't get into trouble for not answering the door to him?

I don't see how he could prove that you're ignoring it.

He could get a locksmith - but let him get on with it I say. Have a pair of headphones handy so that you're clearly listening to loud music if he does gain access.

Unless you think that he really will be reasonable and look for a flat and then leave - in which case just let him in. But it sounds like you doubt he would.

He is back completely reeking of alcohol.
Had been texting how much he loves me, has been a twat blah blah. I was having none of it and was about to leave the house so we wouldn't be in when he got back.

Then our toddler fell down the stairs and cut his lip. So I had to answer the door to him as toddler was crying and shouting "Daddy!".

Shite - ah well I don't think your toddler would have let you ignore the door anyway.

These threads are always doubly hard when alcoholism is involved. Imo if he doesn't give up drinking, you will be messed around like this on a continuous loop for ever.

Most of them certainly do not intend to give up drinking, regardless of what they say.

Keep posting here as you will get fantastic support (not only if you get rid of him, though it does seem to help with lots of posters!)

You will need to be strong and firm on your decision, if you do want him to leave.

If he is to have a chance he should get help and work on stopping the drink on his own, without damaging his own family.

His reaction last night was all about self pity and not taking responsibility at all.

I really feel for you, being heavily pregnant, losing your dad and having to face what a total arsewipe your husband is being.

Fwiw, I believe if you can hang onto your justifiable anger, and see this through, it will provide you and your children with the best chance of a happy life. He won't learn anything without a massive wake up call...

He's a twat. You are doing the right thing kicking him out - don't even discuss the details etc with him anymore - there is nothing left to talk about.

I had virtually the same experience with my ex dbf - no support at all while my dad was terminally ill and we ended up separating before he died. Then he's in tears at the funeral and says he would have done more to support me but he thought my dad would recover and be OK. Cunt.

Regardless of the alcohol problems he may have he has shown himself to be a selfish arsehole. You and your DCs deserve better and I'm sure you will get it as soon as you get rid of this idiot.

I'm sorry about your dad.

Oh OP

He's obviously got an issue with alcohol, as he's putting it before EVERYTHING else in life. You will never be a consideration for as long as this continues, and that a terrible way for you to live. He's lost all perspective.

You're doing the right thing.

There is always a chance that this will make him realise, but either way you are doing the right thing.

Well he asked for a "chat". I agreed and he span me the same stuff I've heard before. I pointed this out to him. He admitted being a twat and selfish. He said he would stop drinking for 2 months to show me he could......,,( here comes the punchline) starting tomorrow as he is at a gig tonight!!!
He said all the right things ( well mostly) but like I told him he says this stuff but never acts on it. He claimed to love me but as I said to him he treats me like someone he doesn't love anymore. Said he wanted to hug me - I needed a hug this time last week not today.
It all fell very flat as I wasn't buying it. He pointed out where I have been at fault and I threw him as I admitted the things I had done. Think he was expecting me to deny it so he could feel better.

I don't know what prompted the change in attitude. I suspect after a night of freedom he realised that all his mates would be going back to their families except him. Freedom doesn't taste so good when you realise it also comes with loneliness and being a loser. I suspect his friend may have had a word with him too.

So I told him that I wasn't being pressured into making any decisions today and that he shouldn't cancel flat viewings. I said to him that I feel that come Friday he will be back to his old tricks. He swore not but we shall see.

He has left now for his gig. He clearly feels happier. I feel emotionally unaffected by it which I don't take as a good sign.

He also said that his mum wants to come and stay in a few weeks!! She stayed recently and it was a disaster as we were rowing. Quite why she wants to come again is beyond me! She knows the situation but " it's her birthday". I told him she was being incredibly selfish and that I am not in a position to book in visitors. I reiterated that I don't know if he will be living here next week let alone in 3 weeks. I can see where he gets the selfishness from. Who asks to visit people knowing they are on the brink of divorce??

So much of this thread is familiar. With my ex I'd had a car crash that had left me with whiplash and badly shaken. I begged him not to go out that night and if he did to come home early. He came home at 1am, drunk and unapologetic. He'd lie all the time. He'd say 'I'm not an alcoholic, I can stop, I just like it, you're too controlling...'
He gambled as well, but in the end it was the lies that did it for me.
I am so much happier without him. He'd have ruined me.

Summers, my ex made a lot of false promises too. He'd pretend he hadn't been drinking - he was working late, or he'd only had one pint.

Sorry OP but he now thinks he has fobbed you off sufficiently and will now be able to get around you and back into the house... It's the same situation as last time with this gig - he is telling you that you, your children and your marriage is less important that going to a gig and getting drunk. If he was serious he wouldn't even be going to the gig in the first place - he would be staying at home with his wife trying to save his marriage.

Kick him out - his mum can stay with him in his new place - extra incentive for him to find one quickly. I doubt he has any flat bookings to cancel.

Stay strong OP - you are worth so much more than this.

Yes I don't doubt he does think all is well again. It's not. He will slip up again by the end of this working week I'm sure of that.
I just didn't want the conversation to go on any longer. I had our toddler on my lap and was trying to do work. My toddler has seen me cry too often lately and as I told "D"H it's not fair for a small child to be living in this atmosphere.
I to him
To continue his viewings. He probably chose not to hear that part but as far as I'm concerned things haven't changed I've just got rid of him for the night.

I wonder if he invited his mum to put pressure on you.

Regardless of the gig he should have started to stop drinking today. He should come home sober if he's to make an effort.

And two months is a pathetic time. He probably thinks that's how long he'll endure!

Good for you op - protecting your toddler from upset is the most important thing... There isn't any point talking about anything with him anyway!

Enjoy your night to yourself.

He has an alcohol problem. He is prioritising alcohol over almost everything else - you, work, his children. The fact he believes he can start 'tomorrow' is telling. If he was really that bothered / didn't have a dependency he would stay home or not drink at all at the gig.

If he didn't have a problem with alcohol a night of not drinking at a gig would not be an issue.

I think it is less about a lack of concern for you and your grief and more about the fact that his need to drink takes priority. He is risking being fired also as you have said due to his need to drink in the afternoons.

Spending over three hundred pounds a month on alcohol also indicates a serious problem.

I would say that the sooner you make plans to leave the better. He is nowhere near ready to address his alchohol issue and the pressure will just mount once you have a newborn into the mix also.

So sorry about your father.

I fully believe that she asked to come I don't think he invited her. It's her style. She wants to come and be taken out for her birthday. That will be more important to her than what we are going through.

If he can get a flat then surely you could get a flat? I am saying that because he clearly has no intention of moving out and you can't force him to leave until your divorce is finalised, which obviously won't be soon.

I could get a flat. I've told him if he doesn't have a firm plan by this weekend that I will find somewhere.

I would tell him that you are not prepared to host his Mum at all at the moment, including visits with your ds so he needs to cancel it. Presumably he won't and there you go, you are last on the list yet again.

He can move out, give you your space and still prove to you that he'll go dry etc.

I would make the moving out non negotiable even if you are going to try again.

Wow wow wow, hold the phone.

Is this the mother that he sits drinking with all night and doesn't care if you're feeling really ill because you need to drive them home from the pub so they can get drunk? While your H sends you vile messages telling you you're a disgrace? Days after your dad passed away?

Or am I mixing you up with another poster?