Please give me your opinion on this

[Themis1977]

It was my Dads funeral the other day. I was off work the day after and asked DH if he could work from home, as I felt like I didn't want to be alone. He said he couldn't as he had things on at work.

It turns out that he met an ex-colleague for lunch in the pub (pre-arranged) and then spent most, possibly all, of the afternoon in the pub. He finishes work at 5.30pm and had a ticket for the fast train home which should have seen him back by about 6.30pm.

He didn't get home until 8pm and was clearly drunk. He maintains that because it was raining he just couldn't get home. He works in central London, which doesn't shut down when it rains. Even if there were delays it would have to have been a major event for it to have delayed him for that long. There are also two train lines that he could get home on. So if there genuinely were delays on one route he could have taken the other. I pointed this out to him and his response was that he already had a return ticket on the line he claims was delayed. However, he has a season ticket for the other line so it wouldn't have cost a penny for him to have reverted to that route home.

I haven't spoken to him since. I feel that he prioritised drinking over supporting and comforting me when I needed him. I spent most of that afternoon in tears and was looking forward to him getting home. I ended up alone and having to try and eat my dinner with my toddler running riot as I couldn't get him to sleep. He was no use when he did come home as he was drunk.

He maintains I am being hugely unreasonable and taking my grief out on him. He has not attempted to apologise and just maintains that I am being completely unreasonable.

To clarify he was not close to my Dad, only saw him once or twice a year, no contact in between so it's not a case that he was overcome by his own grief hence why he went to the pub.

Thoughts please?

I always see the free solicitor thing mentioned on here - not been able to find one that offers it in my area. Believe me I have looked! I will pay one if it comes to it.

He took 2 days off work (1 for viewing the body, 1 for the funeral) and surely I can see he couldn't have taken more. Clearly overlooking the fact I travelled abroad with him twice earlier this year when his grandparent died. Even taking 3 days for the funeral, when I was snowed under at work and not entitled to compassionate leave. It could have been a there and back in a day trip, one night at most. He insisted he didn't want to come straight back after the funeral. I honestly didn't want to go, it cost us a fortune that we didn't have. But I not only went but I arranged it all too. And this is how he repays me.

It's getting worse and worse.

The utter bastard.

Sorry OP - solicitors near me do offer this - perhaps it varies by area? I agree it would be worth paying to see one. Or perhaps start with CAB?

Even if he couldn't take time off - and I accept that sometimes it is difficult - he could have got home as quickly as possible.

Oh OP XH was an alcoholic and I was left holding the baby, he was like your H and it drove me crazy, walking away with DS was the best decision I ever made.

I work for TfL, if you want to PM me the time, date and train line that supposedly delayed him then I can tell you what was going on.

Not your biggest issue I know but for you to throw in his face when he tries to imply you are being unreasonable for not believing his bullshit!

I am struggling to see the connection between your Dads funeral and me going to the pub

He's a cunt.

Sorry OP, nothing more useful to add, but there's loads of good advice on this thread and here's a huge supportive .

Check solicitor directories and phone them up or email them.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

www.resolution.org.uk/findamember/

Wondering if you even got a phone call, asking how you were, and him explaining that he would be late?
I am guessing the answer is no.

I am very sorry for the loss of your dear dad OP.

Your DH is a nasty, selfish arsehole. Please use your anger to make a permanent change. Leave him as soon as possible. You will definitely be much happier down the line. It won't be easy but your feelings are worth so much more than he can ever provide. He doesn't care about you.

No I didn't get a call, which if he was sober and genuinely delayed I would have.

After emailing for a while and me not backing down from my stance he got angry again. Said he had been issuing platitudes but that I just wanted to twist the knife. I was merely telling him that he'd had plenty of chances to not lose his family but has chosen to carry on with his behaviour.

Anyway, it's now very clear that he thought he could wriggle out of it by "issuing platitudes". I take that as an admission that anytime in the past that he has actually apologised he hasn't meant a word.

Jeez that text! I think I'd have texted back - Priorities? I think you could have A) taken the day to work from home (thus avoiding a long, boozy lunch, I realise) to support me (as I did you when your GF died) OR B)..

There is no B.

Said he had been issuing platitudes

Doesn't he mean 'apologising with feeling'?

No, I guess he doesn't. He doesn't seem to 'do' or understand the need for feelings at all. I'm sorry, OP.

So sorry for this to be coming after the loss of your Dad.
The H: His lack of support, followed by dumping his inadequacies on you as your fault. Disgusting behaviour. It's compunded that he's had a rock solid 'right' example of how to behave in support of a grieving partner - there's nowhere for him to hide his selfishness. He must realise this.

Surely that "free" consultation is a marketing tool? Why would solicitors offer free advice to the public? Without legal aid you are not entitled to free legal advice. Maybe cab or government websites give information on your legal position.

OP - don't get bogged down with details of possible train delays - it's not actually important. What matters is, you've told him to move out, and he's not listening, and doesn't seem to have understood that you're telling him the marriage is over.

Focus on what's important, not the 'last straw'.

And sorry for your loss.

He sounds like a millstone around your neck, draining your energy and dragging you down with all his tangled wrangling and power games:(

Regarding the free hour/half hour, the solicitor will likely listen to a summary of your case, and will tell you what you can get with their help and an estimate of costs, probably. But that is to get you as a client.

Regardless, a paid hour is probably useful if you can't get proper legal advice from elsewhere.

You can google around, seek advice from women organisations and look at the gov.uk site www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce
(drunkenness can be unreasonable behaviour)

He apparently has viewings lined up so he appears to be taking me seriously.

So sorry for your loss OP.
Your 'D'H is an alcoholic and I'm glad to hear you are getting shot of him.
Have a look on here they offer great support.

try this instead
No good at links!!!

Thanks that's useful. Looks like there's a group near me that allows you to take kids along too.

Looks like I will be needing that solicitor after all. He told me he had a viewing on a place a few streets away this evening. He is not back now and I highly doubt they do flat viewings this late. He has clearly just gone to the pub and is lying yet again.

Well here I am wide awake and feeling on the verge of a panic attack. He is still not home from " sourcing accommodation".

This shows me I'm making entirely the right decision but I can't help feeling terrified about being alone with a newborn and toddler. I almost wish that I wasn't pregnant. I wouldn't be in such a vulnerable situation then.

Being preg and with toddler will work out ok.
Don't forget you will be entitled to half, if divorced.
Also maintenance... And possibly certain benefits.
Work on support from friends.
You will cope.....And without the burden of an unsupportive partner.
Life does improve, once you take the first step all else falls into place. And with two children solicitor can apply for possession of he home. Let him get his flat. I'd have his packing under way.
Women's aid will help.
Also, I don't think you need unreasonable behaviour any more....if both parties agree.......... Breakdown of marriage is an acceptable reason, then separation for two years, then apply for divorce.

He didn't come home at all. No idea where he is. Will something like this help me stop him getting 50-50 custody if he tries for anything like that? Or will he be able to say that I told him to move out anyway?

How am I best playing this? He left his keys at home so he will need me to let him in when he does show. Can I refuse? I'm not locking him out just not answering the door.

You'll be fine alone. It'll be better than dealing with his shit. Now just keep saying 'I'm not even discussing it anymore, it's over, you need to move out'. Broken record. It's not worth trying to reason with someone like this.

Strictly speaking you can't keep him out. But if you don't hear the door, you don't hear the door. He would need to get the police round to gain access without keys and you can say you were out and/or never heard him.

I think it's good he's left his keys. Maybe you'll get a little breathing and thinking space - in your position the advice will always be do NOT leave the house. So now he is out, you can manufacture it that he doesn't get back in for a while, if at all imo.

Of course he will use this as a lovely excuse to go on a huge bender so you may not hear from him for a few days.

50/50 access sounds unlikely in your set up but agree with others - it must be worth paying for half an hour just to get a picture of what could happen.