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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please give me your opinion on this

111 replies

Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 10:21

It was my Dads funeral the other day. I was off work the day after and asked DH if he could work from home, as I felt like I didn't want to be alone. He said he couldn't as he had things on at work.

It turns out that he met an ex-colleague for lunch in the pub (pre-arranged) and then spent most, possibly all, of the afternoon in the pub. He finishes work at 5.30pm and had a ticket for the fast train home which should have seen him back by about 6.30pm.

He didn't get home until 8pm and was clearly drunk. He maintains that because it was raining he just couldn't get home. He works in central London, which doesn't shut down when it rains. Even if there were delays it would have to have been a major event for it to have delayed him for that long. There are also two train lines that he could get home on. So if there genuinely were delays on one route he could have taken the other. I pointed this out to him and his response was that he already had a return ticket on the line he claims was delayed. However, he has a season ticket for the other line so it wouldn't have cost a penny for him to have reverted to that route home.

I haven't spoken to him since. I feel that he prioritised drinking over supporting and comforting me when I needed him. I spent most of that afternoon in tears and was looking forward to him getting home. I ended up alone and having to try and eat my dinner with my toddler running riot as I couldn't get him to sleep. He was no use when he did come home as he was drunk.

He maintains I am being hugely unreasonable and taking my grief out on him. He has not attempted to apologise and just maintains that I am being completely unreasonable.

To clarify he was not close to my Dad, only saw him once or twice a year, no contact in between so it's not a case that he was overcome by his own grief hence why he went to the pub.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 21/09/2015 12:02

"he seems to think that I should just carry on regardless."

You don't need to listen to him though. You've been unhappy for a while, you've tried to address it with him, he refuses to make any effort. You can find happiness away from him, he is doing nothing to you. A husband is supposed to be supportive, not an arse who would rather spend hours in the pub and blame the trains rather than spend time with his grieving wife.

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 12:03

He thinks my anger is inappropriate because I should just believe his excuses and accept them.

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 21/09/2015 12:07

Well you can do that, and be unhappy forever, because he clearly has zero intention of changing or addressing his behaviour.

Or you can ditch the twat and work towards a happy and peaceful life.

Lweji · 21/09/2015 12:07

There is no point in discussing it with him. You know that.

What are you going to do?

Have you given him a deadline?

AnyFucker · 21/09/2015 12:14

You know what you need to do.

TheUrbaneFox · 21/09/2015 12:15

Also, sorry to come with yet another point......... but, you asked him to leave and he has told you that that is overstepping the mark frankly. This seems a very unrepentant response to having been asked to move out. It's almost as though he refuses to acknowledge that you would have the right to make such a decision. With no admission of his unsupportive choice, he considers himself the judge of what you can expect in a relationship, and whether or not you are over stepping a mark when you take a stand. He just doesn't seem to acknowledge your right to have a 'line'. ''frankly you're overstepping'' !!!

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 12:16

I have told him he has until the end of this week to tell me his intentions. Else I will have to move myself.

He is now claiming he is under so much pressure and I don't give a shit.

I am supposed to wake up the day after he has drunk and let me down yet again and be concerned with his feelings! No I am hurt and angry and the last thing on my mind is to ask him how he is feeling FFS.

OP posts:
Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 12:19

He thinks I am overstepping the mark by not accepting his excuse and by having the gall to be angry.

He is trying to make me feel bad and like my behaviour is out of line. He wont accept I get angry justifiably because he is an arsehole.

OP posts:
TheUrbaneFox · 21/09/2015 12:26

That ''overstepping the mark frankly'' is really telling. It's like, you don't get to have a perspective?! he will take your (justifiable) reaction and turn it round and make it an inappropriate reaction that you're not permitted to have.

If this was a once off, maybe I'd be less harsh on him. But I know with my x, I'd given him about 500 chances by the time I left, and he still acted with indignant, martyred outrage when I left.

TheUrbaneFox · 21/09/2015 12:28

Stay strong. I know it's a time when it'd be easier to just tread water and fight big battles another day. But if you can get support from friends, you're better off seeing this through now. You've raised it. You've seen his reaction. And it's not remorse! There's no offer to attempt to be more supportive in the future, just anger that you're overstepping the mark! Your disappointment in him is justified!

DoJo · 21/09/2015 12:41

I didn’t prioritise anything. I am struggling to see the connection between your Dads funeral and me going to the pub

You cannot have a choice of two options and not prioritise one - how can he have the gall to claim that he didn't put his desire to go to the pub above your perfectly reasonable request that he come home and spend time with you. If he can't see the connection between going to the pub instead of spending time at home with you the day after your father's funeral, then he is either thick or still drunk. He sounds like a total waste of space and I hope he realises that you are serious and want him gone.

Well done to you for being strong on this despite the fact that you are grieving - hopefully the perspective you now have will help you through this time. Flowers

antimatter · 21/09/2015 12:51

He could have hired a cab!

Lweji · 21/09/2015 12:53

I am struggling to see the connection between your Dads funeral and me going to the pub

That is exactly why you're leaving him. He can't see the connection.

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 13:10

No he can't, or says he can't. If he even just expressed remorse and apologised it would be something.

He is now blaming me for it all because we moved from a flat to a house. This is why he is so stressed and has to drink all the time, because he is 'trying to secure a stable future for us'. He has not been working towards a promotion, has not had a pay rise. He has been drinking in the pub while he is supposed to be at work. His boss has no idea.

OP posts:
antimatter · 21/09/2015 13:12

He is going to be sacked! Does he realise?

NameChange30 · 21/09/2015 13:16

Of all the things you've told us about, I think blaming you is the worst. There may be disagreements or problems in a relationship but if one partner isn't even willing to consider the other's PoV, let alone take responsibility for their actions and apologise, you can't resolve anything.

He is an alcoholic who gives you nothing and blames you for everything. Get bloody rid.

ImperialBlether · 21/09/2015 13:23

He's drinking when he should be working and can't understand why he doesn't get promoted?

OP, why do you say you will leave at the end of the week? Why should you be the one to leave? And where would you go to?

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 13:28

He isn't expecting a promotion. I said that to show that he isn't really working towards anything. So his excuse is crap.

He claims his job is really stressful. I've no idea as he never tries to talk to me. He gets drunk, screws up then acts all indignant that I don't know how stressed he is etc. I think I am supposed to then be concerned. Obviously by that point I couldn't care less.

He gets away with it by putting fake meetings into his diary.

I told him he has until the end of this week to tell me his intentions i.e. to have a firm plan of moving out. If he doesn't then I will move out. Which will be difficult as I am due in 2 months. But I won't stay living with him.

I would have to go to a Hotel. I've nowhere else.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/09/2015 13:30

On a practical note, whose name is on the mortgage/tenancy agreement?

You can't move out. He will have to go.

Btw how much is he spending on booze per week?

Lweji · 21/09/2015 13:36

Look up what you can do legally. Start separation procedures and get advice as to residency. Start looking up at the financial aspects as well. Be prepared for him to do his best to screw you over and leave you with little or no spending money if you have a joint current account.

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 13:45

Both names are on the mortgage. He earns more. I'm at the point where I wouldn't care if the house got repossessed if I couldn't make the mortgage. I've hated living there anyway.

I've no idea how much he is spending. We each have £300 a month to spend as we see fit. He can't manage on that and is always in overdraft. Says he can't afford to join the gym or buy trainers etc and expects extra money for these things. So obviously he is spending at least £300 on alcohol. That's not including the beer he is always buying in the supermarket to drink in the evenings.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/09/2015 13:50

But you can't go and live in a hotel.

Do you have enough money to pay for a flat to rent? You would need a month's rent in advance, about six weeks' deposit and usually a couple of hundred for the letting agent.

Have you looked on the Entitled To website? It's here.

Do you have real life support?

NameChange30 · 21/09/2015 13:50

Bloody hell. You need legal advice OP. You could talk to CAB and/or get a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor. Get a good solicitor, I think you will need one as he is so unreasonable.

NameChange30 · 21/09/2015 13:58

I agree with Lweji's advice btw: "Start separation procedures and get advice as to residency"
I don't think you should have to move out as you are pregnant with a DC (and presumably you are the primary carer) but see what CAB/solicitor say.
You will be entitled to half the assets and he will have to pay maintenance for both children.
I wonder if he will take you seriously once you get the separation in motion. I hope so. But if he begs you to say and promises to change please don't listen!

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 21/09/2015 14:07

OP I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad.

I know others have already said it but it is a far from unreasonable request that your dh be around to support you right now. The fact that he won't speaks volumes. If my dh absolutely had to go into work (huge meeting he was running or something) then it would be for the absolute minimum time and he'd be home again asap. And that would only be if he absolutely couldn't delegate it to someone else.

I also can't believe he's now trying to turn it into you being unreasonable. This isn't true. Please believe that.

Most solicitors will give you a free initial consultation - please don't leave your house until you have taken some advice. With your baby due so soon, you surely shouldn't have to leave your home?

Hugs.

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