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Original poster

My close male friends wife accused us of wanting to be together

293 replies

nancyfromthefarm · 18/09/2015 00:41

I am absolutely reeling tonight having not long got back from dinner with a couple my husband and I are friends with. It is actually me who is close friends with the husband of the other couple although I always normally get on well with his wife. We met in our early 20's (we are all late 30's now) and quickly became very close. When we met we were both with our current partners the people we would go on to marry so were never single in all the time we knew each other. Once or twice while very drunk we talked about it, not getting together but that we probably would have if we had both been single when we met. We also laughed and said it was a good thing we weren't single as we would make a terrible couple and at least this way we would always stay friends and we just agreed not to go there. We could have got together if we really wanted to neither of us was even engaged at that time but we both loved our partners and felt we would be better as friends. I has been a fantastic and treasured friendship, we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things.

For the most part both our partners have accepted our friendship without issue and we all hang out together on occasion like tonight. My friends wife had her 1st baby in February and this was the 1st time we have all got together like this since the birth.

The Baby was with a relative overnight and so my friends wife let her hair down with a few drinks. Towards the end of the evening she was very drunk and agitated. My friend and I are both very interested in politics and so had been discussing the new labour leader as well as other things when she started in on us. She was speaking to my husband saying that they should just leave and let us get on with it, that she didn't want to be a gooseberry. She then said that the only reason my friend and I married who we did was because we hadn't met each other first and that we should just put everyone out of their misery by getting together.

I tried to reassure her and so did he but she was very worked up at this point. My husband said that we should just leave, my friend agreed and we did. My husband was a bit quiet on the way home, not angry but he has gone to bed. I have texted my friend and his wife is apparently sleeping now. I don't know what to think, it may be that she is just stressed with the baby but I am scared for what this could mean. I want to say to her that that isn't how we feel about each other, if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago and we didn't because we loved our respective partners.

I just need some advice or reassurance about this, will she be ok, is it likely to blow over?

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 18/09/2015 16:13

You really do come across like you're relishing this.

Twinklestein · 18/09/2015 16:13

I must say I am pretty gobsmacked at the amount of projection & reading the invisible, between the lines in the OPs postsconfused

I totally agree RockinHippy This is one of those MN threads when I wonder if everyone has gone a bit bonkers in the nut. Posters seem to be reading this as an OW thread.

Look OP, my sister had a male best friend from her school days. They snogged a couple of times as teenagers, always got on well, but never dated and married other people.

They may have worked as a couple who knows, but they made a choice not to go there and they're perfectly happy with their respective spouses.

His wife is very insecure and will not let him be friends with my sister full stop. My sister's DH is not insecure and didn't have any problem with their being friends.

It doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything wrong. From the details it's possible she's feeling insecure after childbirth, perhaps they're not having sex again yet, perhaps there's problems in the relationship that you're not aware of. It sounds like she's always been insecure about you. She may just be an insecure person.

If he confides in you stuff that he wouldn't to her, or if he talks to you about interests that he doesn't share with his wife - that's a problem in their relationship that they need to sort out between them. That's not your problem.

It's possible that he has deeper feelings for you than he's ever admitted to you, and she's picked up on that. In that case again, it's their problem that they need to sort out between them. Worst case scenario he might have to tell you you couldn't stay in contact. But that would need to come from him.

I don't see that you've done anything wrong, any more than my sister ever did. It sounds more like she's fixating on you, whatever problems she's experiencing in her life.

Twinklestein · 18/09/2015 16:19

Seems she has become a bit of a punch bag for every infidelity or relationship insecurity suffered by some others here

I agree. One sees from threads like this how insecure many people are. Which, ironically, supports the drunken-insecure-moment-of-madness theory.

Posters are treating the OP as an OW which she is not. On which point, I must say, I still don't understand why posters here do not have the maturity to deal with OW threads rationally.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/09/2015 16:22

So if posters think OP's behaviour has been poor, they're all insecure? Hmm

MissBattleaxe · 18/09/2015 16:27

Seems she has become a bit of a punch bag for every infidelity or relationship insecurity suffered by some others here

Very insulting to those who disagree with the OP's stance. I think it's poor form to invalidate the opinions of others with spurious assumptions about their own insecurities.

I personally think she is enjoying her friendship more than her marriage and the wife has picked up on that over a period of fifteen years and has had enough.

I also see that the OP and the male friend met after they were both part of a couple but had this "if only" conversation anyway.

regenerationfez · 18/09/2015 16:42

The problem is that the wife has just had a baby, this was a precious night they could have had as a couple and her husband has probably suggested they spend it with you. It doesn't sounds like it would have been her suggestion. Maybe she is insecure. Unsurprising, as so far she is not intellectual enough, is insecure and weak apparently as well as not having sex with him and he has to protect her from the world. Whereas the OP is child free, politically aware, liberal and cool. If she is insecure and it is causing problems in their marriage, he needs to sort it out without any catalysts involved. If they are not suited, he'll soon be free, but maybe it won't be as fun chatting to a single man with an ex wife and a child...

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/09/2015 16:52

I can't believe I've RTFT and the OP hasn't come back.

FWIW I don't think this situation has anything to do with men and women being friends. It has everything to do with the dynamics of an emotional affair.

If you care about someone then you want them to be happy and want to help them protect the things/people/relationships that they care about. Your friend has a DW and a DC. Your attitude to your friendship with him is threatening those things. You should back off.

It shouldn't even be a question.

Yes, you'll miss him but it's the right thing to do. The fact that the thought of doing the right thing is making you angry should be cause for reflection. And you do probably need to rebuild the little cracks in your relationship with your own DH which have been caused by you directing energy and emotion into this 'friendship'.

AskingForAPal · 18/09/2015 16:58

Really mixed feelings on this, but I just wanted to touch on something that hasn't been mentioned much. If your friend's wife is on maternity leave and is the primary carer for their (not "her") baby, she may already be feeling dowdy, uninteresting and out of the loop.

My best friend's husband and I get on ok I secretly think he's a bit of an arse and definitely wouldn't think of each other as friends, but we do work in similar areas. After she had their first child she obviously felt left out of some of the conversations her husband and I would have. Where previously we would all have joined in she just hadn't had the time/energy to get her head round the news or developments in that area. I was amazed at the fact that it stung her to see me and her husband having quite ordinary chats, but it did. She felt like she herself had become uninteresting and the fact that she didn't feel able to join in on these conversations compounded that for her. And in this case there wasn't even a breath of suspicion over how close our friendship is. I guess what I'm saying is, on top of the ongoing issues that everyone else has covered, maybe you should have some compassion for a woman who's been through a life-changing experience and may feel left out enough, without you two adding to that feeling. Not to blame anyone for the specific events of last night, but I think sending some flowers or a card to her saying how sorry you were if you upset her would go a long way.

MissBattleaxe · 18/09/2015 17:16

APlaceOnTheCouch- very well put. I think it is an emotional affair too.

AskingForApal- a very compassionate view and very likely spot on, although I can see why the poor wife finally cracked in the OP's case.

Twinklestein · 18/09/2015 17:23

So if posters think OP's behaviour has been poor, they're all insecure

Not necessarily. But there does seem to be an awful lot of projection in the responses. Posters are reading into the OP's words stuff that simply isn't there.

I don't think OP has behaved badly. How people get from a discussion of the new labour leader - to freezing this woman out I've no idea. It's all a bit potty frankly.

regenerationfez · 18/09/2015 17:30

No, by OPs own admission, the wife felt frozen out by the conversation. That is the bottom line. She is his wife, she's just had his baby, she feels excluded, end of story. OP needs to back off so her husband can have space to reassure her\ end the friendship until the wife feels better\ sort out any issues in his relationship.

MrsSchadenfreude · 18/09/2015 17:34

I have a very close male friend - we have known each other for years, lost touch, and got back in touch again about 13 years ago. We text or email each other every day, meet up and go out to dinner or lunch. There has never, ever been anything sexual between us - we don't even kiss socially. It was brilliant meeting up with him after so long - we have shared interests, and would often go out for a drink and dinner after work. I thought it might look a bit odd to DH, so asked him to come out with us. He got on really well with my friend too, and they often meet up for a drink now without me!

SpendSpendSpend · 18/09/2015 17:46

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MissBattleaxe · 18/09/2015 17:49

I don't think OP has behaved badly. How people get from a discussion of the new labour leader - to freezing this woman out I've no idea. It's all a bit potty frankly

Well it's probably because of the OP's remarks such as

if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago

They weren't really excluded but admittedly it isn't something his wife or my husband take much interest in, normally we are careful not to get into that sort of thing when we are together but we couldn't help ourselves.

I certainly know a lot of things about him about how he feel and things he has done that she doesn't

we had maybe some complex feelings for each other and we pretty much admitted to each other that we would have got together if we had been single

So it's not just a chat about the new Labour leader. It's far, far from that.

MissBattleaxe · 18/09/2015 17:49

Bloody BOLD not working! Grr.

Dadof2wo · 18/09/2015 17:50

Point is, if the friends wife isnt comfortable with you and him, then the friendship needs to end. His loyalty lies with his wife.

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 18/09/2015 18:01

Twinkle we have no idea how the OP behaved as none of us were there but do you really think that they were all just sitting having a lively evening when the wife exploded out of the blue?

Especially given how the OP describes her relationship with this chap and the language she used to describe his wife ?

Btw I'm happily married to my best friend. I have no experience of infidelity and my lovely DH doesn't have a female best friend.

I have no axe to grind.

areyoubeingserviced · 18/09/2015 18:05

Agree Dado.
The OP needs to focus on her own marriage. I suspect that op's Dh is probably not comfortable with the relationship between op and her friend , despite op's
protestations that her Dh is fine with everything.
IMHO, I think that the OP knows that her'friend' has feelings for her and OP
loves the attention. In fact, I feel quite sorry for the wife and I think that the OP lacks empathy.
Btw- I am not projecting my own insecurities.

Twinklestein · 18/09/2015 18:11

On the basis of what's been written here, yes I think that's probably what happened. She sounds quite insecure, and obviously feeling a bit paranoid, hence the drunken explosion, which she's probably really embarassed about now.

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 18/09/2015 18:14

Really Twinkle that's what you take from this?

My friend and I are both very interested in politics and so had been discussing the new labour leader as well as other things when she started in on us. She was speaking to my husband saying that they should just leave and let us get on with it, that she didn't want to be a gooseberry

YonicScrewdriver · 18/09/2015 18:21

I don't think it's strange that two people who discussed getting together many years ago are still friends.

I do think the OP is being overly possessive of her friend. I suspect she won't come back but will read.

Artioo · 18/09/2015 18:22

"part of me would like to say we totally could have done that and didn't because we valued our romantic relationships with other people much more than the temporary attraction we felt at the start of our friendship."

This would be a terrible thing to say to her. It basically translates as "well, I have the power to do this whenever I like, but it just so happens I choose not to, you lucky thing." If you want to talk to her, reassure her that you have zero romantic interest in her husband and he has none in you, full stop. Don't confirm what she's already thinking with some vague waffle about how you could have but didn't. How does that help her?

BathtimeFunkster · 18/09/2015 18:22

That's just what women do, isn't it?

Being so insecure and not cool like they should be.

Laydeez are terrible for just exploding for no reason and shouting at people who are doing nothing wrong at all.

Some people just can't accept that they are too dense for certain subjects and should gracefully bow out and let their intellectual superiors speak.

Narp · 18/09/2015 18:31

Agree with many on here

APlaceOnTheCouch summarised it for me:

'If you care about someone then you want them to be happy and want to help them protect the things/people/relationships that they care about. Your friend has a DW and a DC. Your attitude to your friendship with him is threatening those things. You should back off'

Be honest, OP. It makes you feel a little bit special to have that 'special connection'

Imagine your husnand in the same situation with another woman

Narp · 18/09/2015 18:32

Artloo

Yep

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