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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My close male friends wife accused us of wanting to be together

293 replies

nancyfromthefarm · 18/09/2015 00:41

I am absolutely reeling tonight having not long got back from dinner with a couple my husband and I are friends with. It is actually me who is close friends with the husband of the other couple although I always normally get on well with his wife. We met in our early 20's (we are all late 30's now) and quickly became very close. When we met we were both with our current partners the people we would go on to marry so were never single in all the time we knew each other. Once or twice while very drunk we talked about it, not getting together but that we probably would have if we had both been single when we met. We also laughed and said it was a good thing we weren't single as we would make a terrible couple and at least this way we would always stay friends and we just agreed not to go there. We could have got together if we really wanted to neither of us was even engaged at that time but we both loved our partners and felt we would be better as friends. I has been a fantastic and treasured friendship, we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things.

For the most part both our partners have accepted our friendship without issue and we all hang out together on occasion like tonight. My friends wife had her 1st baby in February and this was the 1st time we have all got together like this since the birth.

The Baby was with a relative overnight and so my friends wife let her hair down with a few drinks. Towards the end of the evening she was very drunk and agitated. My friend and I are both very interested in politics and so had been discussing the new labour leader as well as other things when she started in on us. She was speaking to my husband saying that they should just leave and let us get on with it, that she didn't want to be a gooseberry. She then said that the only reason my friend and I married who we did was because we hadn't met each other first and that we should just put everyone out of their misery by getting together.

I tried to reassure her and so did he but she was very worked up at this point. My husband said that we should just leave, my friend agreed and we did. My husband was a bit quiet on the way home, not angry but he has gone to bed. I have texted my friend and his wife is apparently sleeping now. I don't know what to think, it may be that she is just stressed with the baby but I am scared for what this could mean. I want to say to her that that isn't how we feel about each other, if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago and we didn't because we loved our respective partners.

I just need some advice or reassurance about this, will she be ok, is it likely to blow over?

OP posts:
horsewalksintoabar · 19/09/2015 00:07

Read everything UnderTheGreenwoodTree wrote again. Seriously.

birdsdestiny · 19/09/2015 00:19

No one is saying people are possessions, no one cares that they were talking about politics for gods sake. If at times two friends get pissed and talk of what would have been then that is always something different. If the man concerned discusses his marital problems with his female friend then that is always something different. I could go on giving examples, it was in every other line of the op, and her responses. I think she has a crush on him, and not one that is based on reality, as despite their long friendship, I am not sure she knows him at all well, she hasnt even noticed that he has recently become a father.

mathanxiety · 19/09/2015 01:07

Baroness, a most astute observation wrt wording. The OP hasn't mentioned whether she and DH are parents, but I am getting an image of a little club of childless people, the OP and the friend, with the DH allowed to tag along, and the other person who was never really a part of the club to begin with now most certainly out in the cold and maybe she felt that very keenly last night.

I am beginning to wonder if the baby is a threat to the OP -- I agree with Corbyns here.

Goddess and Bathtime, great posts.

I think this man is a complete arse to have treated his wife the way he treated her last night. The fact the OP didn't see that speaks volumes.

He had a lovely evening of having his ego stroked -- two women giving him their undivided attention. Followed by one of them texting him after the blowup. I suspect the OP is being played here and has been played for years, with all the confiding and meeting of minds that has been going on for over a decade.

Mrsfrumble · 19/09/2015 01:25

Yes mathanxiety, when I saw the line about how "he tells me things he doesn't tell his wife because she wouldn't understand" I couldn't help rolling my eyes, because isn't that the oldest line in the book of things disloyal spouses say? Of course in this case it may be innocent enough (if rather disrespectful) but it's such a cliche.

Garrick · 19/09/2015 01:31

"he tells me things he doesn't tell his wife because she wouldn't understand"

Oh, heck, I didn't see that. No wonder you were telling me I'd missed the point!

mathanxiety · 19/09/2015 01:40

It is the line of someone very insecure and needy who overlooks what she has because he isn't enough for someone who needs her vanity stroked by the intellectual conversations and the frisson of continued attention from this married man who tells her he needs her on some level, and therefore she doesn't want to see what a cad she is mixed up with.

I think she's being a classic doormat.

Donotknowhownottomind · 19/09/2015 07:54

Gosh I think the OP has got the message by now and is probably never coming back to Mumsnet Sad.

TenForward82 · 19/09/2015 11:19

Then lets hope she spends her resulting free time having a long hard look at herself.

Twinklestein · 19/09/2015 11:28

I don't think it's the OP who needs to have a look at themselves tbh.

BloodyBellyJeans · 19/09/2015 13:08

I really feel for the wife . Her first night out and her husband is paying more attention to somebody else

I suspect you have read the replies OP and have wisely decided not to add to the discussion

He is her husband , not yours , so back off and get off your high horse

Louisa111 · 19/09/2015 13:25

I really feel for the wife too. Having a baby is hard bloody work real hard and for the first few months or even year your relationship/marriage pretty much takes a back seat.

They probably don't get much te to have a conversation without baby interrupting so to see you both chatting away and her feelingike a gooseberry must've been awful!! I'm not surprised she kicked off, I would've too , sober or drunk!!

You say you haven't seen him much since the baby was born, well how about forgetting about him
And being a nice friend to her too. New babies take up time, can be isolating. It wouldn't have done you much harm in the early days to ask how she was, does she need a hand with anything etc etc, yes your friends with him but you need to be friends with her too otherwise I'm
Afraid it's looking like you only enjoy his company and have feelings for him.
You need also to spend time with your husband and see how he feels about this and also say sorry to her. If it's her wish that you don't see each other then you need to cut contact I'm afraid, you only have yourself to blame for this

tomatodizzymum · 19/09/2015 13:43

The thing about feelings is, we only ever really know our own. Sometimes we can assume that others feel the same way, but we can often be very wrong about that, no matter how well we know the person.

The wife spends everyday with her husband and when that happens people can become very intune with the other persons feelings. The wife may have a hunch that her husband has a lot of feelings for you OP. His feelings that you are a very close friend may be very different to yours.

Not very helpful sorry but I just think the wife is acting on her assumptions and her assumptions might hold some truth, your friend may want things to be a lot more than you do.

moopymoodle · 19/09/2015 16:31

Hmm not got time to read the full thread so apologies if I've missed something and out of line here. I think you both are over stepping the mark here, you both clearly made your OH's feel like gooseberries and as for the discussion you both had about had the situation been different you would have got together. Out of order and disrespectful, I don't have that convo with any male friends. I think you both enjoy the tease of the forbidden fruit and I'm not bloody surprised his wife has an issue with it. It sounds to me like you view the friendship as superior and that you see yourself as above his wife in the sense you can get his attention intellectually and you came on here to boast!

I feel sorry for your husband and his wife. The first time she gets to let her hair down and probably feel like herself rather then just Mum and she's sidelined and left feeling an idiot.

Had you both nor overstepped the mark and discussed the what ifs and implied about the attraction for each other I'd think the wife maybe got the wrong end of the stick and was a bit insecure but as far as I can see she has reason to be. Your poor husband too, doing his best to accept and respect your friendship. Tell me, would you both openly discuss what could have been if your husband and his wife was in the room? I very much doubt it as you know damn well its wrong you just enjoy the attention!

Atenco · 19/09/2015 16:58

The OP was referring to a conversation in the distant past to explain that she and her friend did not want to be together and it is a purely platonic friendship.

As for us all when out to dinner having to make sure we only ever have conversations that are of interest to everyone else at the table, that is not my experience of anyone's behaviour at the dinner table.

MissBattleaxe · 19/09/2015 17:54

Atenco- this is so very much more than about one conversation at dinner. It's about fifteen years of build up and backstory. In the wife's shoes I'd probably feel the same!

moopymoodle · 19/09/2015 20:31

It's not just about a conversation though is it! The op believes her relationship with this man is more important then that with his wife. Its very unhealthy. The op needs to see that at very best she is this man's friend. His wife has his baby and they are a family.

sarahquilt · 19/09/2015 21:02

A marriage trumps any friendship in importance and you need to respect that. Step back and pay attention to your own.

WhoAteMyToast · 19/09/2015 21:13

The wife is in the right here OP - step back and leave them to it.

RomComPhooey · 19/09/2015 21:14

Is the OP ever coming back?

mathanxiety · 19/09/2015 21:22

Atenco:
'having to make sure we only ever have conversations that are of interest to everyone else at the table, that is not my experience of anyone's behaviour at the dinner table.'

It should have been this woman's experience if it was the first night out for a woman who has spent he last few months away from work, at home caring for a baby. Her H should have made it a pleasant night for her.

Maybe this wife has put up with the mutual admiration society and the intellectual political conversation over the years because you expect to win some and lose some, conversation-wise, when you are out for dinner frequently or predictably, and sometimes it is nice to just sit back and chat about the potted plants or whatever with random people you meet.

Perhaps it rankled last night because this was her first night out since February, and her H was completely ignoring her and instead concentrating on what was clearly his favourite topic, with an admiring woman whose company he was clearly enjoying and who perhaps completely ignored her too.

Perhaps this comes on top of other dickish behaviour on his part at home.

TenForward82 · 19/09/2015 21:23

Of course she's not. She didn't get a load of people slagging off the evil wife who's daring to come between her and her intellectual non-boyfriend.

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/09/2015 21:50

A marriage trumps any friendship in importance and you need to respect that.

For most people, there is no need for 'trumping' (sorry), because they manage perfectly well with their friendships and their marriages coexisting side-by-side. Which is how it should be. You can't expect to live a life always prioritising your married relationship over your friendships - there's no question that they need nurturing too.

But that's where the OP is going wrong, and where other people with platonic M/F friendships happily succeed - they manage to nurture both in an 'appropriate' (for want of a better word) way. It's very easily done, after all.

Also, in fairness, do we know if it was the wife's actual first night out, post-baby - or just her first night out with the OP?

MissBattleaxe · 19/09/2015 21:55

I don't know Dowager, but something tells me it'll be her LAST night out with the OP!

YonicScrewdriver · 19/09/2015 22:03

I don't think the OP can be expected to come back - she's got the consensus! If she needs help going forward, she'll probably start a new thread sober!

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/09/2015 22:16

I doubt she'll want any help going forward from us lot! Grin