So yes, there was a OW, Depression and a breakdown

[trodalong]

After valiantly defending my husband, it transpires that he has mild depression, for which he wants counselling. There is still an OW, who he is spending alternative nights with, but telling me he is staying with a friend.

He said he wants counselling to see if we can go back to the stage where he discovers why he fell in love with me.

He also want counselling to see whether me, OW or neither of us are the right people for him.

We have agreed on a trial separation. Not sure how a trial separation is different from a separation.

He hates me touching him, hates me bringing up reasons why i love him, all the obstacles we came over to be together (different EU countries). Whenever i do this, he says i am emotionally blackmailing him.

My question is has anyone else been through this recently and how long did it take for the H to overcome this depression and breakdown? Am i going to be waiting for a few years for him to find out who he wants to be with, OW or me?

Have some self respect and leave the idiot. Depression is no excuse for treating you like shit.

Financially cant move from the accommodation we have rented, year long contract so am stuck.

LTB.

What Emma said.

Tell him to move in with OW.

Well, you CAN wait all that time, but why on earth would you?

Look at what you're saying:

• he spends every other night with the OW but lies to you about it
• he wants counselling to remember why he fell in love with you - wtf?
• he hates you touching him
• he hates you telling him you love him

Think about it. There isn't one reason to stay with this man, is there?

Have you heard of the sunk costs fallacy, where we persuade ourselves we've invested so much into a relationship that we simply have to carry on with it, even though it's a bad relationship? I think that's the stage you're at.

Be strong and tell him to get lost.

"He said he wants counselling to see if we can go back to the stage where he discovers why he fell in love with me."

The only thing you should say to him about that is "massive lol".

"He also want counselling to see whether me, OW or neither of us are the right people for him. "

Also lol.

Decide for him.

It'd probably be better for you to decide how long you're prepared to wait for him to find out whether he wants to be with you or the OW.

I'd suggest easing his faux-anguish by taking one of his options away from him.

bloody hell - are you for real?

Get rid and let her keep him. Find your self respect and ditch this pathetic excuse of a man. Depression my arse. He is just a cheat.

Oh and get yourself sti tested.

And to answer your question more constructively, yes I went through this as the OW a few years ago. Now I am no longer a fool, all I can see is an extremely arrogant man. He also had the "depression" and "breakdown".

He's basically telling you he wants to be with the other woman but the timing isn't perfect for him yet. I'd hazard a guess that she either tried to dump him or gave him an ultimatum, and has also pulled the "I'm depressed and need some time" line on her.

Ah so he's stringing you both along while he decides which he'd be better off with (unless you both let him continue with the cushy timeshare arrangements he has).

He's not right for either of you, you'd both do well to get rid.

Sorry to drip feed, but i cannot afford the rent by myself. I don't qualify for Housing benefit, no family support from my side. I cant just kick him out and then be evicted from where i am.

Do you have children?

FFS - are you seriously intending to hang around until this self indulgent fucker who spends alternative nights with another woman, makes up his mind whether it's you, his mistress, or neither of you that he wants?

When I read threads like this I despair at what women are prepared to put up for the sake of a man.

You and OW would both be well advised to drop kick this arsehole out of your lives entirely, and let him figure out what he wants on his own time, but leave him under no illusions that it's going to include you.

Stop doing the 'pick me dance' and get some self respect back.
Doing what you are doing is no good for your self esteem.
Kick him out.
It should be quite simple.
He's cheating, he leaves.
Do you have kids together?

Can he move in with a relative or friend for the time being?
Do NOT worry about him going to the OW. Quite frankly they sound like they 'deserve' each other.

And you certainly deserve far far better.

Are you seriously willing to wait while he treats you like shit and continues to see both of you? Where's your self respect?

yes, 3 children.

Please see my post above about cannot afford to rent myself.

He has mild depression but not taking any medication.

Its the savings bit, where if you have more than £6,000 in savings you don't get HB, regardless of amount of income you have.

Can you use the savings? Not ideal but needs must...

OP I'm sorry but it's clear from your post that he doesn't love you. The relationship is over.

You may stay living in the same house until the contract is up but you need to start making plans to find somewhere you can afford on your own.

If OW decides she does want him (does she even know about you?) then he will be wanting to move out anyway. Rental contracts can easily be terminated if both parties agree to keep paying up until a new tenant is found. Most landlords are pretty understanding about things like this.

Tell him to go to counselling on his own and see if he can get back to a place where he's not a massive bell-end...