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Original poster

So yes, there was a OW, Depression and a breakdown

122 replies

trodalong · 17/09/2015 11:18

After valiantly defending my husband, it transpires that he has mild depression, for which he wants counselling. There is still an OW, who he is spending alternative nights with, but telling me he is staying with a friend.

He said he wants counselling to see if we can go back to the stage where he discovers why he fell in love with me.

He also want counselling to see whether me, OW or neither of us are the right people for him.

We have agreed on a trial separation. Not sure how a trial separation is different from a separation.

He hates me touching him, hates me bringing up reasons why i love him, all the obstacles we came over to be together (different EU countries). Whenever i do this, he says i am emotionally blackmailing him.

My question is has anyone else been through this recently and how long did it take for the H to overcome this depression and breakdown? Am i going to be waiting for a few years for him to find out who he wants to be with, OW or me?

OP posts:
WhoreGasm · 17/09/2015 21:23

Oh sweet Jesus. I'm usually right when it comes to relationships but in this case I really, really didn't want to be.

How bloody stereotypical and depressing.

Let me guess. The second time he had an affair was because he had't quite over his breakdown and he was confused and vulnerable still?

So she smiled that bit harder? Sucked his penis that bit harder? Fought back the tears that bit more?

I am sure she is genuinely lovely. But sadly he will have targeted married her because he quickly realised she could be endlessly manipulated and hoodwinked in this way.

Heartbreaking.

Original poster
trodalong · 17/09/2015 21:34

update:

3pm he said he doesnt think it will work and wants a divorce.

9pm his parents ring me up to say he is willing to do couples counselling.

Im not sure what i am hearing. How can someone change their mind in 6 hours?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 21:36

He's a mummy's boy too

They usually are

ToGoBoldly · 17/09/2015 21:37

You are crazy if you are seriously considering doing anything at his behest. He sounds unhinged and volatile. If this is actually happening you have to get a grip, if you don't respect yourself, bloody well respect your children and don't let them grow up watching their mother be a complete doormat.

RedMapleLeaf · 17/09/2015 21:41

You're in the phase of wanting everything to be put back together. I think that this is a very natural and reasonable response to the shock of the break up. But you can't stay in this phase for long, it's not going to help and it's going to start damaging your health.

Never mind what he wants at 3pm or 9pm.

What do you want?

WhoreGasm · 17/09/2015 21:45

There isn't any form of counselling in the world that could make him less of a twat.

Scobberlotcher · 17/09/2015 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 17/09/2015 21:49

Take the choice of you away from him.

Until you do he will fuck around and fuck with your head.

Original poster
trodalong · 17/09/2015 21:49

yes that's what i think, parents are bending his ear.

I don't have the energy to be yoyoing between being divorced and going councelling.

His parents have offered for me and the kids to stay in their granny hut.

OP posts:
Original poster
trodalong · 17/09/2015 21:51

This resonates with me

And swallowing her own pride all the time? And burying her own dignity all the time? And slowly allowing her self esteem to be eroded all the time?

OP posts:
Dallasty · 17/09/2015 21:51

Oh what a total wanker. FFS, TAKE CONTROL.

fearandloathinginambridge · 17/09/2015 22:01

He wants to divorce. There is no confusion here. He doesn't want marriage counselling that's what his parents want and it's got nothing to do with what they want so ignore them.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/09/2015 22:08

His parents have brow beaten him into reluctantly agreeing to counselling to get them off his back.

NameChange30 · 17/09/2015 22:10

"His parents have offered for me and the kids to stay in their granny hut."

Say WHAT now?! They're having a fucking laugh. How about you and your children stay in YOUR HOME and your pathetic excuse for a husband can fuck off to live with mummy and daddy.

goddessofsmallthings · 17/09/2015 22:28

Have you shopped him for supplying drugs he's nicked from the NHS to his bipolar ow and have you dobbed his db in for drug dealing?

Given the pair of immoral assholes they've raised, it's easy to see why you would want to let your pils near your dc. Hmm

There is no 'breakdown' and he's not been afflicted by 'depression'. The simple fact is that he's made his mind up and it's not you he wants.

Tell the lying toad to fuck off, change your locks, and book a consultation with a shl asap.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 18/09/2015 08:13

It makes me really fucking angry when the same old line 'he's depressed' is trotted out as an excuse for infidelity. I suffer from severe depression, and I have absolutely no inclination to cheat. It's bollocks.

aprilanne · 18/09/2015 08:27

hi trodalong .my hubby has severe mental health issues .depression memory loss .among other things .he has lost his job he is always in and out of hospital .BUT never have i once had any reason to question his fidelity or commitment to our children .your hubby,s affair is sod all to do with his illness he just wants his cake and to eat it sorry i would be looking for a good divorce lawyer .

WhoreGasm · 18/09/2015 08:38

The only type of depression I have suffered from is PND, which was grim. Some days it wascan achievement just to get my socks on the right feet and switch on the kettle.

I certainly didn't have the wherewithal to conduct any type of affair, which requires levels of energy and organisation which are probably far beyond anyone with genuine depression?

'I am depressed' is just twattalk for 'I want to act like a spoilt child in a sweet shop and don't want to have to suffer any consequences for my actions, so ner ner ner'.

Duckdeamon · 18/09/2015 10:54

You can LTB even before the housing situation is resolved by taking a decision that it is over and to sack off any further discussion about counselling and all the rest of his self serving bollocks. Until you find housing arrangements for you and the DC and agree on childcare etc he can sleep on the sofa or elsewhere (his parents' "granny flat" sounds good - for him, not you!)

Don't move in near the ILs! If they really want to help you they can help you with investigating housing and benefits etc, or just give (not loan) you money! And don't countenance any discussion about your relationship with them- they can speak to their stupid son.

Duckdeamon · 18/09/2015 10:56

A friend is in a difficult financial bind and has ended her relationship and told the DC whilst still living in the same home as her soon to be ex. Not ideal but she feels a million times better even now, and is working towards living separately asap.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/09/2015 10:59

When are his relatives due to arrive and is he planning to move back into your bed while they're staying with you?

cremeeggboycotter · 18/09/2015 19:06

Say WHAT now?! They're having a fucking laugh. How about you and your children stay in YOUR HOME and your pathetic excuse for a husband can fuck off to live with mummy and daddy.

Agree with this 100%.

Whatevva · 18/09/2015 20:11

How about he stays in the granny hut so that he can afford to pay his share of the rent until you can sort out finances, child support and housing benefit and a house, and get the divorce underway.

wannabestressfree · 18/09/2015 21:26

What unique depression that you can mess your wife and kids around and still fall cock first into an OW A couple of times a week....medical phenomenon
Come on love.... Is eating away at your savings more important than your self respect?

Original poster
trodalong · 18/09/2015 21:42

Thank you all for your thoughts.

He actually told me yesterday that it was over.

Harsh light of reality hitting me.

I am so broken, my family unit is broken. I keep avoiding mums at the school as I cant believe my life has flipped upside down and I don't have security, stability, a home or a partner.

So now comes the problem with letting agents, referencing problems etc.

How can someone leave their partner after spending over 10 years with them? Destroy the family unit they had. All these special memories, even small things such as going into town on a saturday with the kids and buying lunch, mooching around and them going home?

off to destroy all the cards he has given me over the years.

OP posts: