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Original poster

So yes, there was a OW, Depression and a breakdown

122 replies

trodalong · 17/09/2015 11:18

After valiantly defending my husband, it transpires that he has mild depression, for which he wants counselling. There is still an OW, who he is spending alternative nights with, but telling me he is staying with a friend.

He said he wants counselling to see if we can go back to the stage where he discovers why he fell in love with me.

He also want counselling to see whether me, OW or neither of us are the right people for him.

We have agreed on a trial separation. Not sure how a trial separation is different from a separation.

He hates me touching him, hates me bringing up reasons why i love him, all the obstacles we came over to be together (different EU countries). Whenever i do this, he says i am emotionally blackmailing him.

My question is has anyone else been through this recently and how long did it take for the H to overcome this depression and breakdown? Am i going to be waiting for a few years for him to find out who he wants to be with, OW or me?

OP posts:
WhoreGasm · 17/09/2015 18:12

Oh purleese, like really? Really?

Who cares whether he decides to choose you or the OW? The burning question is why on God's green Earth are you choosing to stay with such a total wank-bucket?

Okay, so life will be tricky and complicated for a while as you sort out logistics. But at least it will be a life you can live with dignity and your head held high.

Have some self respect and get rid of him. Don't let your poor children have to look on helplessly as their Mum is a complete doormat with no self respect. Because if you have DDs, in 20 year's time there's every chance they will be stuck with the same sort of idiot and living the same desperately sad and damaging life that you are.

Because, between you, you and your idiot partner are actively training your children that THIS in normal. And that it is NORMAL to have no self respect, and to treat other people with no respect.

Get him out. Get a life. And get a better life for your children.

Narp · 17/09/2015 18:13

"Who cares whether he decides to choose you or the OW? The burning question is why on God's green Earth are you choosing to stay with such a total wank-bucket?"

In a nutshell Whoregasm

Joysmum · 17/09/2015 18:19

Kick him out, give notice to the landlord for when the tenancy is up and either ask to be sole tenant (if that's possible but would mean refunding deposit and starting from fresh). Use the savings to help with the rent then claim when your savings fall below the threshold.

Remember that until your tenancy is ended, if you are both joint tenants you are both liable to ensure the rent is paid, even if you don't live there. So if one doesn't pay the other would need to pay the whole lot of risk action being taken against them.

FantasticButtocks · 17/09/2015 18:22

And if he won't leave. And you can't leave. Then at least you can tell him the relationship between you is over. Although I wouldn't recommend living under the same roof while separated.

But you can't still be in a relationship with someone who is seeing someone else. And having to listen to him angsting about it. And he shouldn't expect you to.

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who behaves like this?

spanisharmada · 17/09/2015 18:22

My SIL was in this position, he eventually 'chose' her, its a living hell. How would you ever recover from the way he's treated you? It's already over, he's already trashed what you had.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 17/09/2015 18:24

Use your savings to pay rent upfront on a new property then investigate HB. My HB gets paid directly to me even though I've paid the rent up front. I don't think my LL is even aware I get it. I rent through an agency.

LIZS · 17/09/2015 18:28

Go to cab and get some advice. You can take a copy of the lease and ask their opinion. After the initial 6 months you can probably break it. Meanwhile why would your h have any incentive to make a choice. He plays the poor me card , gets to see ow and hs children as he pleases. You appear to tolerate this. Do you know ow, wonder what yarn he spins her Hmm . Bet he isn't mildly depressed there. You need to start planning for life without him , are your dc in school, could you work ?

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 17/09/2015 18:32

He's got mild depression? Whose decided its mild? He's not so depressed that he can't get out of the house to have bunk up with the OW though is he?

Call the CAB and they can advise you on benefits on the phone.With three DC he would need to pay you some maintenance and HB will pay the rest if you don't have enough income.

Please don't sit around waiting for him to choose.What are you getting out of it if he chooses you? A 'mild depressive' liar who doesn't give a monkeys about anyone but himself.

Sorry dude but you need to tell him that you've chosen and the choice is not to wait around for something that undoubtedly isn't worth waiting for.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/09/2015 18:41

If you have more than £6000 in savings then you can afford to escape him!

sleeponeday · 17/09/2015 18:47

My question is has anyone else been through this recently and how long did it take for the H to overcome this depression and breakdown?

I think quite a lot of people would develop depression if it meant two people would meekly accept polygamy. And without all the awkward interpersonal refereeing that Mormons complain about, too. Convenient form of depression that increases sex drive and allows someone to keep his dick wet on alternate nights, hey. AKA as "convenient bullshit". I'm sure it's in his copy of the DSM. Hmm

Am i going to be waiting for a few years for him to find out who he wants to be with, OW or me?

Why are you willing to wait at all - for ten minutes, let alone years - for this creature to be with you? Why are you thinking in those terms? He has completely fucking brainwashed you! You are seriously wondering if he wants you - what on earth is there to want? He's every sane spouse's nightmare - what sort of relationship is left, even if (as seems improbable) he suddenly decides that ooh, maybe fidelity is for him after all?

You're married, so would be entitled to a share of any assets. Has he any? Pension? Savings? Salary? What use is he, given he plainly isn't ornament?

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/09/2015 18:56

Nobody, but nobody is going to give you the advice you're looking for.

Because not a single person on this thread thinks playing the 'pick me' dance, while your feckless husband wallows in his own shit, is a good idea.

There is only one option, and it is to leave the bastatd.

cremeeggboycotter · 17/09/2015 18:59

Why is it all about him? His wants, his needs, his decisions????

Decide what you want and go with that. Is all you and your kids deserve a man who may or may not want to be part of your family?

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 19:05

you are all wasting the lettering on your keyboards, folks

summerwinterton · 17/09/2015 19:16

Agreed AF.

WhoreGasm · 17/09/2015 19:23

Agreed AF

I am just shuddering at how depressingly low your self esteem has to be, for you to actually want the attentions of man like this.

To actually see this man as some sort of prize worth winning, and waiting for.

FantasticButtocks · 17/09/2015 19:23

I know AF, it's just rather provocative and hard to not go there Hmm

FantasticButtocks · 17/09/2015 19:24

But yes, probably pointless

wannabestressfree · 17/09/2015 19:28

Jesus.....

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 19:49

Depressing, ain't it

wannabestressfree · 17/09/2015 20:02

Yes.....I despair

ShouldHavenotOf · 17/09/2015 20:10

Aargh. It's a bloody script.

My friend's husband had an affair and, what a coincidence, a breakdown and depression meaning that not only did his wife take him back, his delicate mental health meant they could never mention the affair again.

And 3 years later he had another one.

Another friend, a counsellor for Relate, is so incredibly jaded by all these men having convenient breakdowns and depression to absolve themselves of any culpability.

LIZS · 17/09/2015 20:20

Op I'd be surprised if you weren't also more than mildly depressed to think you have to maintain this charade.

WhoreGasm · 17/09/2015 20:23

Oh, let me guess Should. Did her DH find it aided his 'recovery' for your poor friend to be artificially upbeat and smiley all the time? And wearing her best underwear all the time? And cooking his favourite meals all the time? And giving him more blow jobs than she felt comfortable with all the time?

And swallowing her own pride all the time? And burying her own dignity all the time? And slowly allowing her self esteem to be eroded all the time?

Please tell me she saw the light and kicked him to the kerb? Please.

BabyGanoush · 17/09/2015 20:35

OP, listen to the Beautiful South song "a little time"

ShouldHavenotOf · 17/09/2015 20:40

WhoreGasm you are spot on.

She decided it was her fault! Made a conscious effort to be the sort of wife he'd like to come home to, lost a load of weight, changed the way she dresses. Encouraged him to take more time for himself, go out more, spend more money on himself, have less parental responsibility to avoid any stress, poor poppet.

No, they're still together. She is so wonderful, the sort of person that people are drawn to - but in respect to her husband, she is an absolute mug.

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