So yes, there was a OW, Depression and a breakdown

[trodalong]

After valiantly defending my husband, it transpires that he has mild depression, for which he wants counselling. There is still an OW, who he is spending alternative nights with, but telling me he is staying with a friend.

He said he wants counselling to see if we can go back to the stage where he discovers why he fell in love with me.

He also want counselling to see whether me, OW or neither of us are the right people for him.

We have agreed on a trial separation. Not sure how a trial separation is different from a separation.

He hates me touching him, hates me bringing up reasons why i love him, all the obstacles we came over to be together (different EU countries). Whenever i do this, he says i am emotionally blackmailing him.

My question is has anyone else been through this recently and how long did it take for the H to overcome this depression and breakdown? Am i going to be waiting for a few years for him to find out who he wants to be with, OW or me?

I am so sorry, but don't worry about what people think. Many may be thinking what a lot of us voiced here; that you are better off without such a worthless partner.

Good riddance.

It is tough now, but really you are lucky to be rid of such a loser.

Take care, be kind to yourself

I'm sorry OP. The silver lining is you drop his dead weight, mind manipulations and gameplaying arse!

Look after yourself. Hopefully in time you will see how much better you are without him.

I promise you that people will think far more highly of you, and admire you far more if you leave this useless sack of shit and move on with your life, alone.

There is a world of difference between being lonely and being alone. Two very different things. And I can think of nothing more lonely than living with someone who is such an idiot, and treats you in such a contemptuous fashion.

Destroy the cards if itakes you feel better. But the very best revenge is just living your life well, without him.

You don't need him. He was sucking you dry. He will now leech himself to this OW and start using her as his doormat. And in.a few years she will likely be on here, breaking her heart because he's got a new OW and he can't choose between them yadda, yadda, yadda.

But lucky, lucky you will have escaped him and his twattery. And you will be someone your children can respect and look up to.

Good luck.

I'm sorry your heart is broken. I'm sorry he is such a vile twat that he broke your heart and your trust. He didn't deserve you or the privilege of a lovely family.

Don't feel sorry for him, now. You hear me? You have enough on your plate feeling sorry for yourself and your children than to feel sorry for this entitled fuckwit. Poor kids to have a father like this.

Time will come when you leap with joy you got rid of this deadbeat. You're not there yet but you will be

The thing is you didnt Have security and stability. You thought you did. But you didn't.

You can still do all those things with the kids. In your own terms

Agree with bitoutofpractice. You are yearning for something you never actually had with him.

You are fooling yourself that just because you were recognised as 'a couple' and living under the same roof, that you had a proper relationship. And that you had all the benefits of security and support and companionship that a relationship should bring.

Maybe that's how you felt about it. But obviously he didn't. Not even.a tiny bit. What you thought was good and special was nothing to him. You were just another page in the selfish, self centered book of his life. And now he's turned your page over and moved on.

What he gave you was tarnished and cheap. When you meet a man who treats you properly you will get to know what a real relationship actually feels like. And it will feel very, very different to this.

I take a slightly different view from recent posters. I can see how your world has been turned upside down and that you have lost the security of a relationship and the support of a partner. In time your perspective may change and perhaps become that of what people are writing here.

But for now I think it's right to acknowledge that this is your experience and your truth. And everything does feel scary and unknown and unfair.

But these are experiences that others have had, and it is a phase you must go through. Many others have gone through it, so many that there's a recognised process and path so you don't have to do this alone and although it's unknown territory for you, others have been there and can help you find your way through.

Trodalong would it help if you realised you are in a state of shock and disbelief, that for you the marriage is ending right now. H checked out of the marriage and family months earlier, he has already built a new life with OW. You need to take control and stop enabling his behaviour.

RedMaple nobody has denied that that's how the op feels.

Coping ok. Thank you for all the support. The kids are missing him. I don't want to see his face ever again. But for the kids sake i guess i have to be civil.

I am wondering. How do we work out outings? For example in the future if i wanted to take them to legoland would i take them myself? Alternatively if i invited the d* would that be confusing for the kids?

Also i am worried about the future and a step parent. Has anyone ever found a step parent that loved the kids as their own?

I think inviting him on family days out would be confusing for you AND the kids. I think if you're honest with yourself, you still hope he'll pick you over the OW.

I know it might not feel like it now, but he's done you a massive favour by making the decision for you. And WTF with his parents offering you their HUT??? Was that a typo or is it an actual hut??

My children's step mother genuinely loves them as her own but she didn't have an affair with a married man. And my ex isn't a massive arsehole.

I'd probably assume in your position that his new woman is just much a selfish twat as your ex to be honest.

I think a lot of implications and questions are going to be swarming your head in these early days. It may help to write them down and then allocate them as something to be dealt with in the future or something to be discussed with friend/counsellor/MN.

Days out you'll probably be doing them without their father, but does that mean you'll be doing them alone? Not necessarily.

Yes, of course you would do Legoland without him. Why on Earth would you want to spend a moment of your free time with him?

It's simply not necessary. Your DCs can enjoy their time with you both. But seperately.

If you want some practical help, or moral support on days out, then invite a friend along or a family member. But not him.

You need to assume that he does not feature in days out etc. He can arrange them himself, just as you would be free to do so. You are getting a bit ahead of yourself though. Take it in small steps, you can plan today, tomorrow, this week then beyond without him. He has to support you all financially but his physical presence is not required.

I have major depressive episodes because of my bipolar. It has never caused me to treat others the way he is treating you. You can't see it right now but you really are better of without this cock lodger.

How you cope? You just do it. Legoland? Off you go - of course you can do it in your own. Will someone else live your kids? Of course that's a possibility but why don't you focus on being happy on your own first? You don't need to see your worth or be defined by a man (this is how you're coming across).

You sound like my mother - all your posts are about what he wants or what's right for the DC. You seem to have lost you. You Are A Woman Of Worth. Take his asking for a divorce as a gift.

trodalong I don't think you're coming across as someone who defines herself by what a man thinks of her . To me you come across as someone right in the centre of a huge shock and at the start of a new scary, exciting journey. Just be kind to yourself.

Sorry - I realise the tone of my posts is a but harsh. It's really not directed at you. I'm more angry on your behalf at the shit you've had to contend with.

My dad loves his step children as his own.
I kinda have step kids and although I like them and get on OK with them I would never dare to think that I am in any way their mother.
I certainly don't have the same feelings for them as I do my own DD.
I don't seem them that often. I leave the childcare to their parents.
I don't interfere. We have a nice time when we are together and that's it really.

But that's not something you need to think about or worry about for now.
Just get through the next week and then the next and then see where you go from there.

Look after yourself and DC. Get as much RL support around you as possible.

You're doing great. But cry when you need to and get angry when you need to.

Also i am worried about the future and a step parent. Has anyone ever found a step parent that loved the kids as their own?

I know someone who broke up with his DW (amicable), was parent to on and steparent to the other and wanted access and to be a dad to both despite the divorce. Each have now met OH who love and stepparent the kids.

Don't do family days. Not only does it confuse the kids but it leaves you in a 'limbo' area, acting as a family as DH/DW when you aren't. Maybe long in the future- but not now.

I wouldn't concentrate on him or her, you can't control or have them behaving the way they should- since they've already fucked that one up. Just do what's best for you and the kids.

Purely for reassurance, you WILL get over the shock and it is a shock and a bereavement. You've lost the relationship and future life you thought you had invested in due to his selfish non-investment.

Step parenting can be hit and miss. I've been lucky dd's step mum is very good with her (damn sight better than her dad actually!). But in my circle its 50/50 great and not so great, only one truly awful one and that relationship didn't last (partly because of that). Even the not so great ones its been due to a lack of experience with kids and making obvious mistakes like trying to buy the kids' affections, trying to be 'cool' etc

My dd's step mum takes it as being like a sort of fun aunt position.

But I agree, take it one step at a time. You'll get there.