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Original poster

So yes, there was a OW, Depression and a breakdown

122 replies

trodalong · 17/09/2015 11:18

After valiantly defending my husband, it transpires that he has mild depression, for which he wants counselling. There is still an OW, who he is spending alternative nights with, but telling me he is staying with a friend.

He said he wants counselling to see if we can go back to the stage where he discovers why he fell in love with me.

He also want counselling to see whether me, OW or neither of us are the right people for him.

We have agreed on a trial separation. Not sure how a trial separation is different from a separation.

He hates me touching him, hates me bringing up reasons why i love him, all the obstacles we came over to be together (different EU countries). Whenever i do this, he says i am emotionally blackmailing him.

My question is has anyone else been through this recently and how long did it take for the H to overcome this depression and breakdown? Am i going to be waiting for a few years for him to find out who he wants to be with, OW or me?

OP posts:
ALemonyPea · 17/09/2015 11:59

He would still have you pay you maintainance for the DC, which might help with the rent.

Please do not stay with this complete waste of skin any longer than you need to. He has no respect for you at all.

shovetheholly · 17/09/2015 11:59

I agree with other posters that you have choices and options. However, I also know how difficult it is to exercise those choices (or even to be aware of them) when you are stressed out of your mind by an emotionally awful situation.

I would book an urgent appointment to speak to Citizens' Advice and to find out what your financial situation would be if you went it alone. You may well find that you qualify for all kinds of benefits that would make it more of a possibility than you think. I know you say that you wouldn't qualify for housing benefit, but perhaps there are housing alternatives? Honestly, there may well be other sources of help too - and there is a lot of expertise on this forum from people who have been there and got through it.

RustyParker · 17/09/2015 12:01

As long as you don't have more than £16k of savings then you would probably be entitled to some HB. Income depending, the assumption would be full HB UPTO £6k and then a sliding slace after that upto £16k

Have you put all your rent, income and saving details into a benefit calculator online? Turn 2 Us

You could also get a benefits check done at your local CAB.

SassyPasty · 17/09/2015 12:01

Check your housing benefit entitlement - it's savings over £16000 as cut off. Between £6000 and £16000 your entitlement is reduced. Remember, you are likely to qualify for tax credits and you will have child maintenance as extra income (added to your salary if working). In short, do your homework, I'll bet you could manage just fine without the cheating, manipulative asshole. Grin

BabyGanoush · 17/09/2015 12:07

A lot of rental contracts have break-out clauses.

I would really not stay in a situation like this.

What good can ever come of a self obsesses man-child, with or without mild depression, who divides time between 2 women and somehow it's all about him. He does not care about you, if he did, he would not string you along with excuses and lies.

He does not respect you.

You don't respect yourself if you stay in this situation.

break free

Run for the hills

And have a life of your own, a much nicer life without him than you'd ever have with him.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 17/09/2015 12:09

Do a search on here and see how many feckless fuckwits play the depression card to a) justify their dick falling into random vaginas and b) persuade their wives to forgive them.
Aren't you worth more?

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 17/09/2015 12:37

Oh Christ he's done a number on you, hasn't he Sad

It's time to claw back some self-respect. I know it's a cliché, but for your CHILDREN'S sake, kick him to the kerb.

rollmeover · 17/09/2015 12:56

Ok, well this is your rainy day. Kick him out, use the savings.
Claim any benefits you're entitled to and get him to pay for the kids,

You can do it. You really can.

Original poster
trodalong · 17/09/2015 13:36

How do i find out which apartments qualify for housing benefit

OP posts:
Whatevva · 17/09/2015 13:44

Are these your own personal savings or joint savings? He needs to support his children whether he is living with you or not.

I don't think he is depressed. He is stressed because he has put himself in a difficult position. He has to choose between keeping the mistress and leaving the wife and children and being the bad guy, or keeping the wife and children and missing out on screwing the mistress.

So he is going to choose the one that makes him most happy. This is pretty well impossible because you can't choose between two people to make you happy - no one makes you happy all of the time - it is something you have to take responsible for yourself. It puts the pressure onto the two people to make him happy and lift his depression. This will never happen because you just can't do it, so he may be 'happy' for while and then there will be something else.

I would use this 'trial' separation to work out your position with regard to money and legalities and use this as the starting point work out what you want for your life.

gamerchick · 17/09/2015 13:48

Seriously you have to do something. Do you think he gives a toss about any housing contract? He will leave you high and dry.

Stop waiting and act.. You need a plan.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2015 13:55

Is he the one with the long nails?

He is playing you for a fool OP

ImperialBlether · 17/09/2015 14:07

Oh god, it's not him with the nails, is it?

OP, you don't have to worry about moving. Wait until he's gone to the OW and kick him out. Stay in the accommodation yourself. There's no way you and three children should be looking for somewhere to live. He HAS somewhere to live - with that woman.

Go onto the Entitled To calculator, pack his bags and tell him you have made the decision for him.

Expect him then to come crawling back saying he's made his mind up and it's you he really wants. Then tell him to get lost.

Scobberlotcher · 17/09/2015 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedMapleLeaf · 17/09/2015 14:59

You have to accept that your relationship is over. It may be that you will get back together, but it would be a new and different relationship. It can't be one that starts whilst he is having a relationship with another woman, can it? If he comes back to you it has to be on your terms and from a position where you want to be with him rather than feel you need to be with him (e.g. for financial or emotional security).

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 17/09/2015 15:03

Wtaf Shock

You need to choose whether to be with him. Why are you waiting for this cheating ratbag to grace you with his almighty decision?

RedMapleLeaf · 17/09/2015 15:05

I get the feeling that the OP doesn't want to stay in this situation but just can't see an alternative. I think that's fairly natural when you're in the shocked, WTAF stage.

OneDay103 · 17/09/2015 15:17

More fool you for having the means to leave but still choosing to be with him. You know he has an ow, have some self respect and not accept this.

Baconyum · 17/09/2015 15:27

The rent excuse is just that an excuse. Women much worse off (myself included) have left relationships and managed. From your posts you're claiming you wouldn't get HB but you've not even checked properly. Plus you have savings in the 1000's, you'd manage.

What you really want to think about is why your self esteem is so low you'd stay with someone who clearly doesn't love you.

As for depression - bullshit! If someone's depressed the last thing on their mind is shagging 2 people! And yes to sti test.

mountainlake · 17/09/2015 17:15

I can't believe that you will not be able to afford living on your own with 3 kids and pay rent, especially if you work and have some savings.
Nobody says you need to use all of them but even if you had to... it can buy you some time and space to decide what is best for you and your kids.

First if all, double check on your council website or entitledto website if you really do not qualify. I work within my community and very often I see that people under or overestimate their income for benefits purposes or are simply unaware of what help they might get.

Secondly, if you have 3 children, you will be getting maintenance for them from your husband. It is his duty and you can arrange for that to be taken off his wages if he doesn't pay. It takes sometimes a couple of weeks but you do have savings.

Thirdly, you should be entitled to some tax credits for 3 kids, unless you earn loads. Again, it depends on income. When I first separated with ex I earned only £8000 per year and got around £400 per month in tax credits for 1 child, it was a massive help for me then.

You are lucky to have big savings, you can choose a decent house to rent and be able to pay big deposit and even some months upfront; that should convince any sensible landlord to be happy for you to apply for HB, should you qualify for one.

And last thing, most important one. Do not do the pick me dance and let your husband just take you for granted. I did this and wasted 3 years of my life.
If I had been strict, to the point and not so bloody soft towards my 'depressed' alcoholic husband 3 years ago... then who knows.. maybe he would have found the energy to get treatment then, when he still did care at least a bit about me and our family. But no, I wanted to be a supportive and understanding wife, do not pressure him and gave him 'the time'... which let him pour more and more bullshit over me and eventually leave for the easier option (the OW).

If he has any feelings to you, buried somewhere because of his depression, he needs a wake up call an he needs to see that he can actually lose you. Because you might not want to or have the time for him to 'make up' his mind. You are fully entitled to have enough after all he did to you.

Be strong and choose wisely. Good luck.

mountainlake · 17/09/2015 17:37

Also, you can start claiming tax credits in your name only when you separate, even if you still live in the same house. But you have to live separate lives, so no cooking or washing together, separate bedrooms, totally separate finances until one of you moves out, otherwise its benefit fraud.
You can make if, nobody says its is easy... but you do have a choice!

ICanSeeForMiles · 17/09/2015 17:41

My husband has had depression (mild to moderate) that predates us meeting. He has never treated me like shit and used it as an excuse. Leave this utter cunt and claw back some happiness for yourself.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 17:43

oh, dear God

Narp · 17/09/2015 17:51

The mild depression is an absolute whitewash.

He is probably depressed because he realises he is fucking up. I hope he realises that (or worst case, he's using it as a weapon to just stop you from push challenging him, or worst still he's not actually depressed at all)

Let him get his counselling, get his head together, while he is away from you. Utterly utterly unfair to take all your agency and control away from you.

FantasticButtocks · 17/09/2015 18:06

So he goes to see OW on alternate nights, and is allowed back home in between times? Shock

He needs to go and stay elsewhere immediately and continue to pay the household bills until you can make proper arrangements to live separately. That is the least he can do under the circumstances.

Unfortunately, by letting him stay while he continues seeing another woman, you've given him the impression that he can take his time to decide which woman he wants to be with.

I read something on here once which said 'never prioritise someone for whom you are only an option' or words to that effect. I'm sorry you find yourself in that position.

Even if he chose you, how would your relationship be? I'd just hate him forever.