Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

For those of you who do online dating, what tips do you have and what have you learned

315 replies

bodenbiscuit · 14/09/2015 10:03

From experience?

What are the signs a man is actually going to be worth your time?

Do you think a decent man should want to go out for dinner? I am in two minds about this. If it's a distaster you don't want to be stuck for hours. OTOH I think if someone suggests dinner it shows that they are more willing to make an effort to spend time talking, not getting drunk and increasing their chances of getting laid!

I would say avoid men with shirtless photos. I had one guy message me that he had been sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend while the friend was on holiday - how to make a good impression!

OP posts:
donajimena · 15/09/2015 21:54

Lots of threads on here (and a few posts on this thread ) dismiss OLD as a waste of time and full of weirdos.. There are equally as many success stories. Often I read 'I'll wait to meet someone in real life'
The way I look at it is that if you are single and looking to date it doesn't have to be one or the other. You can do both you know!
Get a profile up and build up a wider social life in the real world.
I registered with ok cupid. I was on it for six months with the aforementioned 'hi sexy' messages, messages from Israel USA etc. I ignored or politely declined these but I would log in every now and then which puts your profile up the page as it were. I gave up messaging men first for the same reason as previous posters.
7 months in I had a normal nice message from a seemingly nice person.
8 months on we are still very much an item Smile
Had I not done the online thing there is no way our paths would ever have crossed. We live 20 miles apart and work in different fields.

ladygoingGaga · 15/09/2015 22:00

Lots of good advice on here already, what worked for me was;
Quick first date, no weeks of messages, you rule out the time wasters that way.
First date was usually just a quick meet, coffee is ideal.

You need to work out what your 'deal breakers' are. Sounds harsh but I decided not to date anyone living with parents or not financially stable.
Work out what yours are, stick to them.

I would reiterate what another OP said, don't be afraid to message the bloke, I did, saw a profile and thought 'what the hell' and 14 months later we are still an item.

Lastly, laugh at the crappy dates and rude messages you will undoubtedly get, I used to keep the worst ones to show my girlfriends so we could have a giggle.

UrbaneFox · 15/09/2015 22:02

I can't even get as a far as a date!

UrbaneFox · 15/09/2015 22:19

Cos clothes look horrible on the models!! very amish. lots of coullottes.

yuck

UrbaneFox · 15/09/2015 22:22

hang on. that last comment was on the wrong thread! Blush

Justaboy · 16/09/2015 00:10

UrbaneFox . I had a look thru an on-line site a while ago and i was appalled at the quality of the photos thereon. It is quite difficult to get someone photo'ed well even with a decent camera not just a mobile phone one though they can give decent results but hardly any where clipped, fuzzy out of focus pictures and selfie style ones obscure the face.

All seems to me to be "why bother? your looking for someone to spend time with for a relationship or just be with to marry even its a BIG INVESTMENT of your time and future life why do people treat it in such a frivolous manner?.

As to men not calling a lady back I 'm sorry i don't know why our sex does that its very rude and uncultured. Even just a polite no or simple reply to say you've changed your mind takes sod all time!.

LoisPuddingLane · 16/09/2015 08:57

Oh the message was for me. I got another one this morning asking if I was ignoring him...

I think the expression I am searching for is what the actual fucking fuck?

ToGoBoldly · 16/09/2015 09:19

If I were my young, naive, lovely trusting 21 year old self, Lois, and I had received those two messages I'd be doubting myself and wondering if I had forgotten sending a message saying "I'll message you later", because that's the only thing that can make sense before his "if i don't message you, lol".

But I'm now a jaded suspicious 31 year old who has discovered that most people are bloody weirdos. So I'd think he's a bloody weirdo and delete. I'd still doubt myself and wonder if I had forgotten a chunk of conversation

LoisPuddingLane · 16/09/2015 09:34

haha. I don't doubt myself at all. That's what comes of being 53. I told him his first message was cryptic so I just thought I'd wait. I just don't do drama - if he actually wants to see me he can step up a bit. Although not sure I can be arsed.

Theoscargoesto · 16/09/2015 10:46

Urbanefox, thanks, I can see that is good advice, and what Lady said too is helpful. Lois, that strikes a chord: I am not 24 any more, and am trying to have more confidence (some of which seems to come from age, and from surviving something shitty). I do know I don't want to play games so being straightforward from the start is important. But listen to me, saying all this when I haven't even a profile anywhere!!

Lina1782 · 16/09/2015 10:51

Has anyone got any advice on which dating sites seem to be best?

niceupthedance · 16/09/2015 11:21

Lois- I read it as 'I see that if I don't text you then we won't talk' ie passive request for you to initiate convo.

LoisPuddingLane · 16/09/2015 11:47

I suppose it could have been that. He was supposed to have been getting back to me but maybe...oh I don't know.

Elledouble · 16/09/2015 13:53

I met my partner (together five years next week and we've just bought a house and had a baby) on Match. I think we've both knocked each other's corners off a bit. On the third sleepover at his I think, I said to him hopefully "have you just got lots of bedlinen all the same?". He looked sheepish and said "no.". Let's just say he's in the habit of changing the bed every week now. I wasn't really looking for a project, I was looking for someone a bit more grown up, but that's how it goes.

brokenhearted55a · 16/09/2015 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a · 16/09/2015 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToGoBoldly · 16/09/2015 15:04

I met a great guy on POF, but our circumstances aren't great for it to go anywhere. I have a friend who met her partner on eHarmony and they've just moved in together. A male friend met his partner on Twitter (and that's not even a dating site). It's a game of luck. I don't think they're all shit, you just have to be prepared for the fact you might not find someone for you and there is a lot of dross to sort through. It's not like going to the shops to buy a loaf of bread,

ToGoBoldly · 16/09/2015 15:09

I only think you should do internet dating if you are feeling robust and positive, and as soon as it stops being fun and you start feeling negative you should step away, as it won't do your head any favours.

You're never going to find the perfect person because no such person exists. If you're not willing to accept or compromise on flaws which can be improved, bow out of internet dating. Decide what your standards are and stick to them, but accept that that narrows the pool because most human beings have flaws. If someone not keeping their room tidy is a deal breaker for you, that is absolutely your prerogative. Some people wouldn't touch a smoker with a bargepole. Some people wouldn't date a shy woman which rules me out completely. We all have our levels.

SubUrbaneFox · 16/09/2015 15:12

I can't even get any of these flawed humans to reply to my messages.

I don't know! Maybe it is obvious from my profile that I'm independent, have good boundaries etc......... I seriously thought I'd least get messages in my inbox.

brokenhearted55a · 16/09/2015 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToGoBoldly · 16/09/2015 15:28

SubUrbaneFox, have you accidentally put yourself down as a gay man? I did that once Blush

ToGoBoldly · 16/09/2015 15:32

broken, I think your standards are absolutely fine, but a deal breaker for you might not be a deal breaker for someone else. I just think you can only get fun out of online dating if you take the "you win some, you lose some" approach as there are inevitably going to be wastes of your time. If you go in with expectations high, you are going to end up hating humanity as a whole.

My motto is "keep your expectations low and your standards high". That way, if and when you do find someone who has a minor flaw which you think you can live with, you will be open to working on it without having compromised your standards or your dignity.

SubUrbaneFox · 16/09/2015 15:36

ha ha! I don't think so! Although that's hilarious.

I don't know. I wonder if men look at my profile and think "she'd be a hard nut to crack", and it'd be true. I'm not sleeping with randomers after 6 pints, for fun, cos I don't think that's fun. I'm not looking to get married though as I don't want to lose another house (I've no cracks like that on my profile, honest!!) so I've put long term, relationship. A lot of men put not looking for anything serious, just looking to date. So I wouldn't bother sending men like that a message, and usually, it's their profiles that would be half filled in, full of mistakes etc.

The men I've messaged are the top of the food chain. Educated, can string a decent profile together, not ancient (but older than I am)... do I need to lower my sights ???

I went in to this thinking that I wasn't going to look for anything I couldn't offer myself. I'm solvent, employed, organised, good humoured, clever, kind, emotionally mature......... I'm fit and healthy and attractive.
So there I was, looking for the same back. WRONG ????? I will have to lower my bar to get replies. And then what, go on dates with men I could never be in a relationship with.

I must be doing this wrong.

ToGoBoldly · 16/09/2015 15:48

I never think people should lower their standards, unless they are demanding Prince Harry or something. I do think broadening them can sometimes yield good results, but as you say there is no point going for something that won't work for you at all.

I will use dating sites if I am looking for fun and entertainment, and if I do find someone, awesome, but I won't be hugely disappointed if I don't. My friends say (re why men don't approach me in real life, let alone online) is that I look like I am having too much fun and am too independent. Which is hilarious because I'm quite an introvert so I don't really know how "too much fun" manifests itself. But, whatever. If I have to have less fun and be less independent to be more alluring to men, well, I'm not doing that.

HeyDuggee · 16/09/2015 16:19

Fox, i would suspect it's to do with where you are in life/what you want in a relationship and the competition. If you're looking at 50+ men who are successful, etc and looking for a long term relationship but not marriage or kids... My guess is that so are a lot of late 30s and early 40s women who are divorced and don't want any more kids.

Back when I was online dating (and it was a different world) there was a huge difference in interest when I was late 20s-early 30s and when I was mid 30s. Suddenly, the pool of men who were also single, childless and looking for same in their mid to late 30s became miniscule.