Daughter sleeping in the same bed with father

[mountainlake]

My 9 year old DD visits her dad on Sundays and usually stays there overnight.
She sleeps with him in the same bed.
Now, it was OK when she was 6 or 7 but now I think she is getting too old for that. She looks older than 9 and already is very interested in all that teenage phase stuff, dressing up, make up. I find it just not appropriate to share a bed with a grown up man, even her own dad, when she starts changing into a teenager.
One more reason is the fact that ex sleeps in the same bed / bedding with his OW. When I discovered him cheating last year, I realised that I must have slept in the same bedding at least couple if times and it made me sick. To clarify that: we lived in separate houses then but were very much together, however didn't move back in together as ex didn't start addressing his drinking problem properly, which was my condition for full reconcilliation.
The thought of my child sleeping in the same bed where he f*s OW makes me cringe.
I tried to talk to him, using arguments that she is getting older and does need a separate bed, but he just laughs it off and says he is not going to change anything. He thinks there is nothing wrong with 2 of them sleeping together as she can have daddies cuddles then and that he is her father, not some pervert. He says I am ridiculous and only suggest it because I am still jealous of the OW.
I find it disgusting tbh, the fact that my girl uses the bedding with OWs body liquids... but her getting older and still sleeping with dad is my main concern.
He has a space in the bedroom to put a little sofabed for her. He also has another bedroom but took a lodger now as he needs extra money for his 'travel and entertainment'.
Am I being unreasonable?

[AskBasil]

Oh FFS get a grip

What's worse? Making him feel embarrassed and possibly angry about his inappropriate behaviour with his daughter when it's all harmless, or under-playing it and minimising it if it isn't?

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

Sorry basil, you've lost me.

The OP doesn't have any concerns about her ex abusing their DD, and nothing she has said on this thread is evidence that he is.

If the OP does become concerned, she can call SocServ for advice, and withhold contact.

Neither embarrassing him, or minimising, are relevant.

There has been an awful lot of projection about the context of the OPs DDs remarks, resulting in some wild accusations, along with the startling relevaltion that some mothers prevent their dCs fathers from fully parenting their DCs, because those mothers believe that all men are a potential abuse risk.

[AskBasil]

Oh rubbish. The number of mothers who stop their children's fathers parenting them because of unfounded fear of abuse, is tiny and is heavily outweighed by the number of women who give men the benefit of the doubt.

Honestly, this guy's behaviour is not reasonable or normal. I don't know what the solution is, but to pretend that it's OK, is also not reasonable.

Also, does anyone else feel up for sleeping in a bed with someone else's (apart from a partner's) bodily fluids on the sheets? Call me a princess, but I don't. Most adults are fairly negative about that idea, it's why we change the sheets for guests and would complain in a hotel if they obviously hadn't. Why is it OK for a nine year old? Is it very high maintenance to think it's fairly reasonable to expect a 9 year old to have a bed with cleanish sheets?

[GudrunBrangwen]

Every parent is a potential abuser.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

basil but again, that's double standards. Do parents whose DCs come into their bed during the night for comfort prevent their DCs from climbing in if the parents have DTD earlier, or the morning before?

Reasonable and normal are very subjective. The important thing is how everyone directly involved feels. Despite her DDs discomfort, the OP is unwilling to address the issue in the way that could resolve it.

[AskBasil]

So how could she solve it then?

Sorry if I've missed it, but didn't she already ask him to stop sleeping with her DD and he's dismissed her concerns?

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

basil if you are worried that somesome is abusing your child, you can do a lot more than just raise your concerns with the suspected abuser.

The OP could talk to a staff member at her DDs school about what her DD has told her, or she could call the NSPcc line, or social services. She can withhold contact while investigations were ongoing.

But she has said that she thinks SocServ would be an overreaction. So, she obviously doesn't have the same level of concern for her DD as most people on this thread.

[Fromparistoberlin73]

This thread has haunted me all day

She should not have to sleep on sex soiled sheets
She should not have to see her fathers erections

Irs completely unacceptable - OP wishing you the best in how to word this and not cause a complete shit storm

[Twinklestein]

SAC is there a reason for you being a complete dick on this thread?

[Fromparistoberlin73]

By the way - I am not reading sexual abuse here

I am reading a selfish bullying father who despises his ex so much he won't listen to what's appropriate

I am also reading behaviour that in the long run will cause emotional issues for his DD

I also suspect he scares OP

Who not suprisingly has not come back - please remember she said he Was abusive and this will condition how she handles it

The lack of empathy and rather accusatory posts is extremely disappointing

[ffffffedup]

How do you know she's sleeping on "sex soiled" sheets?? If he has her every Sunday how do you know he's not put fresh bedding on every Sunday.
My ds is 8 when dh works away (which is often) he will ask to sleep with me we cuddle up and watch a film in bed I don't have any issue with this

[chrome100]

Of course it's ok! He's her FATHER! To suggest it's not is to imply all sorts of unsavoury things.

[Fromparistoberlin73]

fffff

erm the OP told us?

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

I think fedup is asking how the OP knows? The OP obviously has issues because her ex slept in their marital bed with the OW, but the DC doesn't know that her dad shares his bed with his DP when she (the DD) is there, so won't have thought about "sex fluids".
What the DD has mentioned to her mum is that she's seen blood on the sheets, and the OP says herself, this could have been from a blister or cut.

[Fromparistoberlin73]

Op has gone awol so to some extent out dialogue is superfluous!

However, I feel OP has been harshly judged. ppl saying that her jealousy of OW is the factor- that's not how I have read it AT all- she just clearly knows that Ex does not have form for hygiene

anyway- we are all making different assumptions based on a few sentences, such is life

I just hope the OP is OK, as its an upsetting issue and she got so pasted she has not come back

[trudiedog3]

This is the case with a friend's daughter. They are French. Share custody of 8.5 year old daughter. Father sleeps naked in same bed.

[trudiedog3]

I also read it as concern for the daughter. Friend in France has also been accused of spite and jealousy when raising concerns about ex partner's parenting.

[Luckybe40]

Zombie thread FFS!

[Chocaholic9]

This is really bad. He sounds like a disgusting perv.

[NiceandCalm]

It is totally inappropriate, now she is aware of erections and stains. A younger child wouldn't register these things - that's the difference here. All those saying it's normal to share with kids, yes it is but upto a point! Absolutely insist on no overnight stays until he gets a z-bed or something. What does he think is going to happen when she reaches puberty? Surely he'd have to make other arrangements then?
As for how they spend time together generally, then that IS really up to him. Not great I know. You'll probably find that she gradually goes off wanting to go to his house, starts playing up etc. The poor child is torn, not wanting to upset her Dad but this will surely come out in her behaviour, so keep a close eye on her.

[LilyWater]

I suspect this isn't a real post otherwise the OP wouldn't be massively drip feeding, plus you wouldnt need random.people on the internet in the first place to confirm something that is obviously inappropriate

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Five year old ZOMBIE. Read the dates people!