Daughter sleeping in the same bed with father

[mountainlake]

My 9 year old DD visits her dad on Sundays and usually stays there overnight.
She sleeps with him in the same bed.
Now, it was OK when she was 6 or 7 but now I think she is getting too old for that. She looks older than 9 and already is very interested in all that teenage phase stuff, dressing up, make up. I find it just not appropriate to share a bed with a grown up man, even her own dad, when she starts changing into a teenager.
One more reason is the fact that ex sleeps in the same bed / bedding with his OW. When I discovered him cheating last year, I realised that I must have slept in the same bedding at least couple if times and it made me sick. To clarify that: we lived in separate houses then but were very much together, however didn't move back in together as ex didn't start addressing his drinking problem properly, which was my condition for full reconcilliation.
The thought of my child sleeping in the same bed where he f*s OW makes me cringe.
I tried to talk to him, using arguments that she is getting older and does need a separate bed, but he just laughs it off and says he is not going to change anything. He thinks there is nothing wrong with 2 of them sleeping together as she can have daddies cuddles then and that he is her father, not some pervert. He says I am ridiculous and only suggest it because I am still jealous of the OW.
I find it disgusting tbh, the fact that my girl uses the bedding with OWs body liquids... but her getting older and still sleeping with dad is my main concern.
He has a space in the bedroom to put a little sofabed for her. He also has another bedroom but took a lodger now as he needs extra money for his 'travel and entertainment'.
Am I being unreasonable?

[Oysterbabe]

She said above that he wears pants.
Still inappropriate though, no 9 year old should see her dad's hard on.
You must insist he gets her a bed.

[Scoobydoo8]

Tell him that most DDs start their periods between - well whatever it is, but must be quite near to 9 - I don't think he'll fancy dealing with that in his bed so that might make him change.

Don't think you can make him a better Dad sadly.

[Rebecca2014]

If my daughter picked up on her father erections, she would not be staying overnight at his place again until they slept apart. Disgusting his still refusing to wear pjs even though his own daughter names his morning wood.

I am sure he thinks its all ok as in his head its not sexual but I bet his daughter will be horrified in the future to remember seeing her father like that.

[SagaNorensLeatherTrousers]

I think if you know all these details you've subsequently drip-fed, the answer is obvious...it's completely inappropriate and I wouldn't let her over there again as a safeguarding issue until he sorts out proper sleeping arrangements. Not sure why you need other opinions if the scenario is exactly as you've eventually described, to be honest.

[CatMilkMan]

It comes across as though you thoroughly dislike him and when you ask a question which you clearly don't like the majority of the answer to and then drip feed again and again with details that it look more and more inappropriate I would tend to agree with GamerGirl, maybe you are projecting.

[MissFitt68]

You know a lot.... Sounds like you've been thoroughly questioning and cross examining this poor girl

[mountainlake]

Well. To be honest my drip feeding wasn't done on purpose. I would thought that my concerns are sort of obvious - why a man shouldn't be sleeping with a girl that age. Simply because if he is a man, he can have an erection during sleep. If he has sex in this bed, there can be stains or something. Even if he changes the bedding often, he might have overlooked something. It's sort of natural that man wakes up with a hard on. I don't know or assume it happens often, but it is enough it happens at all, even if rarely, and my daughter noticed it. Same with blood or sex liquids. He is a clean guy, not a slob at all. All in his house is new and fresh. The blood could have been OWs blood or sth. sex related or anyone could just have a scratch or a blister or whatever. It could have been a oneoff and my daughter mentioned it. I would say it is way OTT to think of SS in this case, surely he is not doing it on purpose, he just doesn't see it as a problem. The thing is that I don't want my daughter to guess what it was and/or why it was there if she can see any stains or hard on or whatever, isn't that obvious? Hence my drip feed and concerns at all!. She should just have a separate bed and bedding, sorted! My reason for posting here and asking is to confirm my sense of that just being inappropriate, because I have been mind fucked by ex so much that sometimes I just doubt myself! And a few posters actually claim that there is nothing wrong with it. Should I assume that they live in worlds where men never wake up with hard ons and the bedding clean itself automatically during sleep?

[DistanceCall]

It's not a problem if your daughter feels like sleeping in his Dad's bed now and then. The problem is (a) that she doesn't seem to have a bed of her own, (b) that your ex is a slob. If you stain your bed, you change the sheets - particularly if you have had sex in the bed and your daughter might get in it. And no, it's not that easy to overlook a blood stain.

[Chala86]

I kind of get the whole drip feed thing being unintentional. Sometimes when writing posts on here it's easy to miss details and then think 'should've written that' then to add it. Personally, I think your daughter should have her own bed. Yes, it's nice to have a cuddle in bed with mum and/or dad but in most cases does a child not at least have the option of there own bed? I agree with the poster that said she'll look back on her dad with a hard on and be mortified. Not only that, but she's growing up. She needs her own bed so she can at least decide for herself. I would be tempted to not let her stay until her dad has sorted this.

[NameChange30]

WTAF, this is so fucked up. He is an alcoholic who can't be arsed to provide a bed for his DD and instead prefers to have her sleep in his bed and see his erections AND SOMEHOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE OK?!!! OP you need to have your head examined. Refuse to let her stay overnight until he provides a separate bed for her. With such a shit dad she at least needs her mother looking out for her.

[mountainlake]

For Gods sake... since when talking to your children about something that is worrying is cross examining them?
She is a very curious and clever child and she comes to me and asks about things in details. Yesterday she was questioning me about digestive process and some of her questions were surprising me!
And re my ex... I know a lot because I spent 13 years of life with him. Alcoholic and narcissistic selfish twat, who I believed in and supported till the very end. This is a man who was bulshitting his own daughter he still loves mummy and wants us all to be together to check out of family life a month later when mummy understood she cannot be a doormat anymore. Thank you to some of you, mumsnetters, for your understanding... ??and compassion for my 'poor girl'

[pocketsaviour]

I would not let her stay there again until she has her own bed.

I used to share with my DS if I couldn't get a twin-bed room while travelling, up until he was about 15. But both of us would be wearing full pyjamas. And neither of us got an erection

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

Regardless of how "inappropriate" you, or anyone else, thinks it is you can only address it by involving children's services.

Your DD has two equal parents - you and her Dad disagree about something you believe is a risk to her - so, you have no choice but to involve SS, do you?

[Norest]

Uh..you do realise you spent way more time talking about / talked first about 'fluids' from the OW than the whole 'daddy sleeps in his pants and has erections which makes my daughter uncomfortable' bit, don't you?

[NameChange30]

Good point Norest!

[DistanceCall]

Inflatable beds are not that expensive. But yes, I agree with PPs that your jealousy seems to be playing a rather central role here.

[Dallasty]

Given that the sheet stains OW are more of a consideration to the OP than the daughter/ dad issue, my first thought is that....is any of the above true, and has this got more to do with an impending custody matter??? Just a thought...

[mountainlake]

Now I check out of this thread and forum.
I always thought you can count on support and sensible advice here, hence decided to post myself.
But the level of assumptions and reading into my thread has just shocked me.
Goodnight.

[Dallasty]

Ah. Interesting. You have had plenty of invaluable insight and support here. My own post and others may be way off the mark, but on MN, as you know, you will get a complete balance of consideration...Good luck with your issues.

[TheoriginalLEM]

this doesn't sit right with me

[CatMilkMan]

Me either LEM, I wonder if for the same reason?

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Hey err what happened to the no hunting rule?

[amarmai]

does he still drink a lot? That will lower inhibitions and when he wakes with a morning erection , no pjs , his puberty aged d in the same bed = a recipe for disaster which needs to be reported to ss.

[Dallasty]

sorry..what is No hunting please.