Daughter sleeping in the same bed with father

[mountainlake]

My 9 year old DD visits her dad on Sundays and usually stays there overnight.
She sleeps with him in the same bed.
Now, it was OK when she was 6 or 7 but now I think she is getting too old for that. She looks older than 9 and already is very interested in all that teenage phase stuff, dressing up, make up. I find it just not appropriate to share a bed with a grown up man, even her own dad, when she starts changing into a teenager.
One more reason is the fact that ex sleeps in the same bed / bedding with his OW. When I discovered him cheating last year, I realised that I must have slept in the same bedding at least couple if times and it made me sick. To clarify that: we lived in separate houses then but were very much together, however didn't move back in together as ex didn't start addressing his drinking problem properly, which was my condition for full reconcilliation.
The thought of my child sleeping in the same bed where he f*s OW makes me cringe.
I tried to talk to him, using arguments that she is getting older and does need a separate bed, but he just laughs it off and says he is not going to change anything. He thinks there is nothing wrong with 2 of them sleeping together as she can have daddies cuddles then and that he is her father, not some pervert. He says I am ridiculous and only suggest it because I am still jealous of the OW.
I find it disgusting tbh, the fact that my girl uses the bedding with OWs body liquids... but her getting older and still sleeping with dad is my main concern.
He has a space in the bedroom to put a little sofabed for her. He also has another bedroom but took a lodger now as he needs extra money for his 'travel and entertainment'.
Am I being unreasonable?

What's going on here?

OK. I was not to say anything here anymore, but I will.
You can report me and think of me as a troll. I don't care. You call this 'sick' and for me this is just a real problem I wanted advice about. If I didn't explain myself fully or well, tough. I wasn't drip feeding to stirr anything up. I didn't write about concerns about my daughter as about secondary problem, read my first thread properly.
All the details 'later' are just clarifying what I mean because many posters were surprised I have an issue with a 9 year old daughter sleeping with a man. I would thought its obvious (erections).
I, as you call it, drip fed to give the full picture of things that are obvious. What did else I write later that I didn't mention in my first post?
No matter how sick my ex can be, I know that he loves her ans I am sure he is not doing it on purpose, he just doesn't see 'it' as a problem.

Now, for me some of you reacting the way you did, are sick. Maybe you spend too much time online and see people as fake or just imagine too much? And add to the threads too much?
Thanks to comments like 'this is sick' and and calling me a troll and my issue a fantasy, I start seeing my actual problem in a different light. My gut feeling tells me that maybe I should just shut up and never voice my concerns because people will add to it their sick fears and fantasies, and I don't need that.

I am a real person with real feelings and problems and its damn unfair to be treated the way I am here by some posters. My friends in RL are sometimes tired of listening about me and mess, they try but I know it can be hard to be always available and ready for support when you have your own issues.
Thats why I came here. Because most days of my life, when I am not working, things from my fucked up relationship and its effect on my child just haunt me... and only talking about them helps. Yes, I get counselling, I am on ADs and try to distract but it does not always help.

I posted before about my relationship. A couple of times under different names.
Just recently under this name. A number if people gave me precious words if support. I am grateful to them.
But for those who see me as a fake person I can say - thanks for kicking a genuine person in need from here. You did well.

Now you can report me even more. If I had the way to prove I am 'real' I would. But for certain posters I will be probably always a troll, so the best is just to go away, I guess.

^ And THIS is why troll hunting is against the rules. I have no idea why people can't just report a post if they think it might not be genuine.

OP, please ignore the troll hunters and focus on the people who actually replied to you. I for one was quite harsh in my reply but I think you need to realise that this situation is NOT ok. Maybe your ex has messed with your sense of what is and isn't normal. This definitely isn't.

I hesitate to use the word "sick", but your reluctance to involve social services does suggest that your motives are not primarily your DDs safety.

A very wise solicitor once told me that if I genuinely feared for my DDs safety when with her dad, then I would shout it from the rooftops to anyone who would listen - not worry about whether involving the authorities was an overreaction.

You are obviously very hurt, and have your own feelings about the situation, which have be me intertwined with your concern for your DD. never the less, if you are concerned about the appropriateness of the relationship between your Dd and her dad, you have a responsibility to ask professionals to intervene.

mountain I would not be happy with a 9 year old sharing a bed. So I would sit him down and say that unless gets her a bed there will be no over night stays. Don't know how far he lives but can it not just be day visits for now.

It's obviously inappropriate.

It's one thing sleeping in the same bed occasionally but his drinking, sleeping in only pants, stains of the bed, the fact your DD has seen his erection is just wrong

The worst part is he laughs off your concerns. Very worrying!

OP, take control of the situation. Tell your ex that she is not staying overnight until she has her own bed. I don't even think it should be in his room, never mind his bed. If he can't see what's wrong with his behaviour then he needs to ask a GP or similar what they think of it. Just put your foot down and say it's not going to happen.

Blocking overnight contact is a temporary option, but if the DD wants to see her Dad, and the father is willing to take legal action to secure overnights, then the OP will have to share her concerns at some point.

Far better to approach the authorities now, and seek their advice, than be cross-examined in court by a robust barrister who asks her why, if she was so concerned, she didn't do so.

I'm afraid I lost it at 'Daddies cuddles' tbh

It's disgusting, and if he isn't abusing her then he is at least being abusive in his response to your concerns.

WTF are Daddies cuddles anyway. It sounds like something out of paedophile 101.

Does he have court ordered access including the overnights? If not then withold them till he does and report your concerns to anyone you can think of.

I used to date someone who used the term daddy cuddles and it used to make me shudder, they also used to spoon and he would think nothing of using the bathroom when she was in the bath, she was 12 ffs. Totally and utterly inappropriate but he thought it was normal

So your dc have never crept into your bed at all? Do you change your bed the second you finish having sex??

So she sleeps in a house with two men? This would worry me Yes, one of the her FATHER!! What the hell do you think is going to happen to her?

Some people really are determined to hate NRfathers, aren't they?? How do you think children with 2 fathers (male partners) cope. I mean, do Elton & his partner need some interference by SS??

How is she seeing his erection? Is she sleeping under the covers? Is he showing her it? My 7yr old shares with me & dh, he probably wakes with an erection now & then, and you know what...me being an adult of 40+ & I don't even know when he does, so how is a 9yr old going to know??? We are all adults & we know by now, how involuntary waking with an erection is.

Should I assume that they live in worlds where men never wake up with hard ons and the bedding clean itself automatically during sleep? No, assume we live in a world where our partners get erections, and manage not to broadcast it to the entire house, neither of our girls have seen him with one. And we live in a world where, while stains don't look nice, they aren't going to leap off sheets & damage our children.

mountainlake So why aren't you blocking access if he is really that bad? You willingly send her there, knowing the issues...yet you don't think it warrants anything other than moaning here about it?

does he still drink a lot? That will lower inhibitions and when he wakes with a morning erection , no pjs , his puberty aged d in the same bed = a recipe for disaster which needs to be reported to ss. So what? He will rape his daughter, is that what you are implying, because that is sick. Being drunk with a morning erection will not conclude that he will rape his daughter. Fucking hell!!!

What about mummy cuddles? Does that mean the mother is abusing?

Op, I'd also say it's hey own bed, or she's not stopping over, if he can't see that her seeing his erection is wrong he's mad.

Women are less likely to abuse their children than men. Also far less likely IME to make an issue of the fact a child might want to have 'cuddles' with them. It tends to be used more in terms of 'my child climbed into my bed asking for a mummy cuddle', ie the term is used by the child, for an activity instigated by the child.

This guy is using the term at his own instigation. It could be that the child asks for it; we don't know that.

Coupled with the hostility and sheer bloodymindedness of the OP's ex regarding this point I am unhappy about that term being used.

Also remember he is of the opposite sex to his daughter. This in itself vastly increases the likelihood that there may be a sexual element to it.

It doesn't mean he is abusing the child. But it certainly doesn't mean he isn't. And he's either invested in the behaviour enough to argue over it, or he's invested in winding up the OP, neither of which is acceptable.

Yes, one of the her FATHER!! What the hell do you think is going to happen to her? He will rape his daughter, is that what you are implying, because that is sick.

What planet do you live on? One where the thought of a man abusing his own child is ludicrous?

Wake up, you stupid fool. It happens. It will have happened to people posting on or reading this thread.

Oh fgs Gudrun I really think you're being alarmist and unfair.

You too Stoic

The op has no concerns that her ex is actually abusing her daughter, just that he's not as aware/doesn't see the problem, like the op does.

So she sleeps in a house with two men? This would worry me Yes, one of the her FATHER!! What the hell do you think is going to happen to her?

In my long years in this world, I have known of many cases of child sexual abuse. Fathers who have sex with their children. Mothers who have sex with their children. Fathers who hand their children round to their friends for sex. Fathers and mothers who prostitute their children for money. Mothers who keep quiet while their children are abused to keep the abuser as 'their' partner. Underage girls having 'secret' abortions because the father is their father, too. Although your ex might be a caring, protective, father it is also possible that he is not. I have a daughter. Her (late) father was my ex-husband. She did not share a bed with him and she certainly did not stay alone with him and another man. That's the way I did things. It might not suit you but you have the benefit of my opinion and my reasons for it.

Buy her a blow up mattress and a sleeping bag to take to her dads.

mrstwee there's millions more non abusing father's, I find it really sad you wouldn't leave your daughter alone with her father?

The lodger is a woman too, for those that missed it.

Completely agree that this girl deserves her own bed though, and I personally wouldn't let her go back until she had one, because that's what she wants

Op, i do hope you come back to your thread, it must be difficult for you.

I think the situation seems fine, as long as your daughter is ok with it.

The real problem seems to be your negative feelings towards the OW and the bed they share, I think concern for your daughter comes secondary.

If your daughter is fine, let them get on with it. Does your ex tell you how to behave in your house?

mrstweefromtweesville GudrunBrangwen Just because men are more likely to abuse children than women, doesn't mean this man is abusing his daughter. OP hasn't voiced those concerns at all.

TheStoic I was replying to the absurd notion that the daughter was more at risk because she slept in a house with two men. I am not a "stupid fool", I know it happens, but just because her father has a male lodger, doesn't mean her father is more likely to abuse her. And is is necessary to call people names?

Why are we jumping to abuse, all of a sudden? OP doesn't seem concerned that this is an abuse scenario, just that she doesn't want her daughter sharing a bed with her father, or being around stains.

It's a big leap to say that his morning erection will turn him into an abuser. IF he was going to abuse his daughter, it would be in spite of the fact that they share a bed & he gets a (perfectly normal) erection, not BECAUSE of it.Men don't wake with an erection & suddenly decide to rape their daughters. Funnily enough, erections don't do that! Let's give most decent men the benefit of the doubt on that!

The lodger is a woman too, for those that missed it. But according to recent posts, the child is still at risk..I can't believe the leap that this thread has taken!

Given the details I don't think the OP is concerned about abuse so much as a 9 year old being around and aware of her father's hard ons.

I don't think it's at all acceptable, but nor do I think it's acceptable to berate the OP one way or the other, as some posters here seem to think it's perfectly ok. I don't agree, but they're entitled to their opinions, just as the OP is entitled to canvass ours.

"Why are we jumping to abuse, all of a sudden?"

Because the daughter has not only noticed her father's erection, she has mentioned it to her mother. And because the father clearly does not have appropriate boundaries. He doesn't wear PJs, and by not giving his daughter her own bed, he forces her to sleep in his bed whether she wants to or not. In his mind, his own laziness convenience is more important than his daughter's comfort and needs. That's worrying to me. He may not be abusive but he is an alcoholic and an irresponsible father. With the lack of boundaries and the daughter noticing his erections that's a big red flag to me. He may not have any intention of sexually abusing her but we - and more importantly the OP - can't be 100% sure he won't, which is why it's so crucial to safeguard against it.