Daughter sleeping in the same bed with father

[mountainlake]

My 9 year old DD visits her dad on Sundays and usually stays there overnight.
She sleeps with him in the same bed.
Now, it was OK when she was 6 or 7 but now I think she is getting too old for that. She looks older than 9 and already is very interested in all that teenage phase stuff, dressing up, make up. I find it just not appropriate to share a bed with a grown up man, even her own dad, when she starts changing into a teenager.
One more reason is the fact that ex sleeps in the same bed / bedding with his OW. When I discovered him cheating last year, I realised that I must have slept in the same bedding at least couple if times and it made me sick. To clarify that: we lived in separate houses then but were very much together, however didn't move back in together as ex didn't start addressing his drinking problem properly, which was my condition for full reconcilliation.
The thought of my child sleeping in the same bed where he f*s OW makes me cringe.
I tried to talk to him, using arguments that she is getting older and does need a separate bed, but he just laughs it off and says he is not going to change anything. He thinks there is nothing wrong with 2 of them sleeping together as she can have daddies cuddles then and that he is her father, not some pervert. He says I am ridiculous and only suggest it because I am still jealous of the OW.
I find it disgusting tbh, the fact that my girl uses the bedding with OWs body liquids... but her getting older and still sleeping with dad is my main concern.
He has a space in the bedroom to put a little sofabed for her. He also has another bedroom but took a lodger now as he needs extra money for his 'travel and entertainment'.
Am I being unreasonable?

I know the OP has gone but I agree with AnotherEmma - and I think it was you that mentioned the girl saying she "wasn't comfortable about some things but didn't want to upset daddy" or words to that effect. BIG red flag as far as I'm concerned. Totally inappropriate for a 9 year old girl to be sharing a bed with her father. The mother needs to sort it - she knows it's not on. I think she's been given a hard time on here though about drip feeding..........

I've am a retired social worker with a career spanning some 30 years all in children's services and I've never been one to see sexual abuse "coming out of the woodwork" as is the case with some social workers, but I'd be worried about this situation.

Incidentally I don't think Children's Services would want to get involved beyond saying that this was not an appropriate sleeping arrangement.

That's the thing; her dad has no boundaries and can't even see why a girl her age should not be sharing her bed with him. The fact she mentions the blood and the erections is horrifying.

Fanny, I can understand your daughter wanting some comfort at night if she's having bad dreams, but I'd be uncomfortable at her going to bed with her dad wearing underwear like that. It's nothing to do with body shame. Can't you understand why people would find that inappropriate?

A different territory?! There's fucking twilight music playing man!

Havent read all of this but I had similar with my 6yo dd.
I co slept with all our dc, but that was 2 of us having a baby in bed , not her father routinely sharing a bed with any of our dc without me .
As a one off or morning snuggle great .
As a permanent sleeping arrangement no its not acceptable at all.
I have slept with my ex dh for 27 years and we all know what happems to men during the night . Nothing sinister or done on purpose, but would you really want your dd seeing your ex have an eraction and start asking questions .
Every child is entitled to their own personal space to sleep in, even if its a blow up bed on the floor.A place where she can go and feel its her own .
maybe ask a social worker to give you some advise ???

Did the DD actually use the phrase 'hard on'?

DH is also very discrete if he does have one in the morning, if DCs come into our room he'll make sure his lower body stays well hidden, there is no way he would 'not care' if they saw, or laugh that off.

differentnameforthis

You have completely missed my point. Morning erections may be normal (I never said this was not normal) but it is most certainly NOT appropriate that the OP's 9 year old daughter needs to see it. It is not on that she has to be exposed to that. I would imagine most men would be horrified at the thought of their 9 year old daughter witnessing their morning wood.

I would imagine most men would be horrified at the thought of their 9 year old daughter witnessing their morning wood.

Which may well be the case here. We don't know that the OPs ex knows his DD has seen anything.

The OPs DD has said she's seen evidence of her dads hardon, but in what circumstances? Was she peeking under the covers while her dad was asleep? Was she walking into the room and inadvertently saw her dad get out of bed? Was it actually just a normal bulge in his underpants, that she misinterpreted?
I remember thinking all the lads at school had woodies when I saw them in speedos - I'd never seen a man just in underwear before and hadn't realised that the bulge is hidden by loose trousers!

We really don't know.

What we do know, in detail, is that the bedsheets are covered in the sex fluids of the OW.

If nothing else, the OPs posts show a skewed sense of priority.

The point being that if my step father was likely to abuse me, it wouldn't have mattered if there was a sleeping bag, or a wall between us. Because the surroundings don't dictate whether abuse is likely to take place. The perpetrator does. If a person is going to abuse someone, they will do it regardless of their sleeping arrangements etc.

Of COURSE this is the case and I don't dispute it.

What I'm trying to say is that most fathers, I'd imagine, have a healthy respect for their daughter's privacy and keep in place sensible boundaries that make her, and probably other people who notice, comfortable.

Separate sleeping bags is one example of this.

It's subtle but it implies that each person has their own space within a space; it's respectful and it's calm and it's safe. It gives the child a sense of separateness that is IMO really important.

A man who doesn't give a flying f*ck what people think, including possibly what his own daughter thinks, about this sort of thing, is probably just an out and out git. And that is what makes me think the potential for abuse is there.

FFS.

A normal decent man does not have erections that his children can see.

It is fucking astounding that some people see nothing wrong with this. Would you be happy if your childrens' fathers were having hard-ons

FFS just call Social Services. All they'll do is tell him she needs her own bed. He'll listen to them, he won't listen to anyone else.

You've got 3 choices. Call SS and get them to tell him, stop her going to see him because of his shit parenting, or put up with it.

Which one is in your DD's best long term interests?

Sorry, meant to say "Would you be happy if your childrens' fathers were having hard-ons in front of your kids?"

It's fucking disgraceful what some people think is OK for other people's kids, that they wouldn't accept for their own.

Oh FFS at the OP's "skewed sense of priorities".

But the child's father doesn't have a skewed sense of priorities?

His priorities are fine, are they?

basil - what do you think of the MN posts that regularly appear from mortified parents whose DCs have walked in on them while they are DTd?

Or the women whose teenage son or worse, his best friend, walks in on her in the bathroom?

Are they abnormal or indecent? Context is everything. We don't know the context in this case. Nothing the OP has said is inconsistent with an accidental exposure, and tbh, nothing she has said is inconsistent with the DD and her dad using sleeping bags at night - but I suspect the OP was more interested in asking her daughter about stains on the sheets than whether they have sleeping bags over the top.

SAC, I can start you off with the fact that the parnts you refer to are mortified.

Does this guy sound mortified to you? No. Me neither.

*parents

In fact I'd go as far as to suggest he is enjoying the fact it makes the OP uncomfortable.

Just as an aside, what many people do not realise is that the primary motive for sexual harrassment is the sense of power it gives the harrasser.

They aren't interested in sex with you. They just like to see you squirm.

I think this has many parallels with what has been described here.

Does this guy sound mortified to you? No. Me neither.

I don't know him, gudren - he's not posted, so I can't possibly judge if he's mortified or not.

I ask again, does he actually know that his DD believes she's seen his woodie? Because he can't act mortified about something he's unaware of.

The OP doesn't say.

I told him that she sees him with hard ons when she wakes up earlier and he said he will be wearing pjs for bed now. Well he doesn't!

There you go.

I would be very happy for my 9yr old son to share my bed and would be gobsmacked if people thought there was something inappropriate going on!!

Apologies, I missed that.

However, unless the OP is actually present, she still isn't aware of context, and neither are any of the posters on this thread.

This man has been branded a sexually harassing bully at best, and a paedophile rapist at worst.

I hope any jury I ever face is a little more rational!

I hope any jury you face is rather more rational than you SAC. I'm not sure why you're fixating on the comments OP made about fluids.

As opposed to the fixation of other posters on the comments she made about his hard on?

I think some posters think that's more of an issue, although personally I think both factors are grim.

BastardGoDarkly : mrstwee there's millions more non abusing father's, I find it really sad you wouldn't leave your daughter alone with her father
Your 'sadness' is of no interest to me. You do things your way, and I will do things my way.

mrstweefromtweesville ... Just because men are more likely to abuse children than women, doesn't mean this man is abusing his daughter. OP hasn't voiced those concerns at all
I haven't claimed that women don't abuse. Nor have I suggested the father is abusing his daughter. The OP is making a fuss about bodily fluids but refuses to see the potential for abuse in this situation.

mrstwee. Have I read that right? You consider all men to be a potential abuse risk to their DDs?

At least you're not projecting your own context onto the situation the OP described.