Non-communication problem.

[lifeissweet]

This may be long. I apologise in advance.

DP and I have been together for 2 years. We have known each other for about 11 years, but were both married to other people. We are part of the same circle of friends. I was divorced for 5 years and him for 2 before we got together (just in case anyone was wondering)

We have always got on really well. Our friends were all delighted when we got together because we are so well suited. Including my ex-h, who I have an unusually good friendship with.

All was going amazingly well...until...

About 6 months in, we had a very minor disagreement. I was annoyed with him about something he had done that had hurt me and I told him so.

Completely without warning, the shutters came down. He wouldn't answer my calls, he wouldn't respond to messages save to say that he didn't want to talk to me. It was hell. I felt ill. I thought it was all over.

After 2 days of being ignored, he invited me round, told me he had been going over things in his head. He had been worried that I was trying to manipulate him. I wasn't. He had decided that I wasn't, so now everything was ok. He was trying to guard against the same mistakes made in his marriage, where he had been controlled and manipulated and was determined not to let that happen again.

I was upset with him, but relieved that things were back on track, so on we went...

This has happened 3 times since. Always about something small that was taken the wrong way. He refuses to answer my calls and gets annoyed if I text him saying 'all I want is some space and you can at least give me that.'

When I ask him about it he just says he needs time to think and that I need to leave him alone. He stops short of completely ignoring me. He'll send a good morning or a goodnight (just those words. No elaboration) and if I try to call, he'll text a 'do you need me for anything?' and if I say 'just to talk to you.' He'll say 'oh. Ok.' Or remind me that I'm supposed to be leaving him alone.

He is doing this to me at the moment. We don't live together. We have complicated and busy lives. I went round to his on Thursday night. Neither of us had our children. I usually stay the night. I was getting tired at about 11, so said I might go to bed. He said 'so you're going home, then?'

And I was a bit surprised and asked 'can't I stay here?'

And he said
'No.'

Just that.

So I got my stuff together and started to leave. I was upset. Visibly so.

He got annoyed with me. I told him it was fine. He needed a night to himself and that is valid. I sometimes do too, I was just disappointed as I hadn't seen him all week and like waking up with him. He accused me of trying to make him feel bad.

I left.

And since then it has been the cold shoulder.

He sends me good morning and goodnight messages and we even all went to his sister's house for lunch yesterday, but he didn't speak directly to me or look at me the whole time we were there.

I feel like I'm going mad.
I have told him how this makes me feel. It doesn't seem to make a difference. He says this is just how he copes with things and I need to accept it.
But it makes me feel physically sick and Insecure and out of control.
Is Any Fucker around to give me a kick up the arse?

Why don't you respond with 'fuck off' with all these 'good mornings' and 'good nights' FFS?

And blanking you all day. Fuck that!

'I was upset with him, but relieved that things were back on track'. Hmm. So there is already an established pattern of poor behaviour which you ignore because you are keen for things to get back to normal. This is worrying. Do you know much about his previous relationship where he was controlled and manipulated? You sound very passive in the face of his shitty behaviour. AF will be along to kick your arse very soon, I'm sure.

has a crush on Doreen*

You don't need to ask Any Fucker, do you?

Just ask yourself WWAFD?

You know the answer.

TBH I'd be seriously questioning his version of who was controlling and manipulative in his marriage.

But I'd be doing that after I'd kicked him to the kerb. That's where wankers belong, imo.

In the interests of exploring this - what is the thing that he has taken the wrong way this time OP?

And he claims that he was manipulated by his ex?

I suspect she's mightily relieved to be free of him and his mind games and I have no doubt you will be too when you dump this controlling arsewipe.

My DP hung up on the phone to me yesterday over something incredibly trivial. He has not called me back to apologise or to talk it through.

It has really affected me & I think it shows a callousness that I can't comprehend. And it's fucking immature.

So despite us being together for almost three years, I'm thinking of finishing with him (there are a few other things, but this is the straw that broke the camels back).

I wouldn't cope with your DP very well - he's being really cruel & I'd finish with him over this. It all seems rather manipulative & controlling on his part. And appalling communication....

I wouldn't treat someone like that & I guess you wouldn't either. Whilst we can all be unreasonable at times, he's taking quite the sustained approach in being a right arse.

OP what did he do that upset you that triggered the first instance of him blanking you?

The first time it was a similar thing.
I asked whether he was coming round one night and he said 'maybe...'
So I waited and waited then he eventually replied to say no he wasn't. At about 11pm when I'd had a rare child free night and could have arranged something else to do with my time.
I was pissed off and told him so.

That was the first time.

This time, my crime was to be upset.

I do have increasing sympathy for his ex wife. She he genuinely was, and is, very difficult and manipulative and controlling herself. I can only imagine what a car crash that marriage was. I know this from personal experience, not just hearsay from him.

She is damaged by a difficult childhood and abandonment issues.

I don't know what his excuse is!

It doesn't matter what the OP did to trigger the first episode. This is passive aggressive behaviour. OP, I was married to a PA man for almost 20 years, and this not making eye contact / not speaking to you is very familiar. Initially, I would apologise for whatever was causing his silent treatment, even if I thought I was in the right, because I couldn't stand the sulking. In later years I modified my behaviour so as not to do anything he would 'disapprove' of. It's taken getting on for five years, two court appearances and the threat of a third, and an attachment to earnings by the CMO before he finally seems to have realised that I'm not frightened of his PA bullying any more. The sense of freedom is overwhelming.

Run. For. The. Hills.

You don't need AF to kick you up the arse- you KNOW!
Please don't go back for more- you sound like a lovely normal person who is being headfucked by a nasty controlling twat.
You too Moonfacebaby.

He says this is just how he copes with things and I need to accept it.
When a man tells you who he is, listen. And then run for the hills.

It's so disrespectful to shut someone down when they are trying to resolve an issue. And I'll bet to anyone normal, it wouldn't have even been an issue in the first place.

I know. To me it wasn't an issue by the time I left his house on Thursday. I was tired. I over reacted. I apologised for that. Told him it was ok. I'd speak to him tomorrow. To have a good sleep and left.

I don't know what is going on inside his head.

I feel like he's concocting a whole prosecution of me in his own head and not letting me defend myself.

I don't operate like this. I like to talk things through. He is an overthinker. He has to think of every single eventuality and permutation before he makes a decision about anything.

I know I need to stand up to him this time. It's just I'm not very strong right now. I had a breakdown earlier in the year and ended up in hospital. I'm on medication and seeing a psychologist weekly, but I am not as strong as I should be. It makes me feel like a massive, pathetic doormat. Which I am.

You're not pathetic, but you do need to end this relationship NOW. He is emotionally abusive.

Moonfacebaby, I'm worry you're dealing with similar. I agree with what you're saying about it being callousness you can't comprehend. He knows I suffer from anxiety - in fact he has been supporting me really well through it all - and he knows I hate it when he does this. I sent him a message yesterday that said 'I hate it when you do this. I feel like I'm being punished' and he replied with 'you aren't'. That was it.

I would never make anyone feel this bad. Never.

Sounds like he is controlling you emotionally.

I'm really sorry OP.

I know the pattern when you are weak and can't stand up for yourself.
The best in this kind of situation is to keep a distance. only distance will help you to get your confidence and self value back.

Please be strong, x

I have a female friend who suffered (twice) from terrible PND. As part of the recovery process she made a conscious decision that she needed to act in certain ways with the people around her. For example, she feels that previously she tried too hard to help others, so now she has no hesitation or guilt in saying no to anyone who asks her for a favour. To be honest, she can now sometimes come across as quite blunt and unhelpful, even selfish, but I totally understand that she is doing what she feels she needs to do to protect her own mental health.

I wonder if a similar thing is going on here? After the end of his marriage, maybe your DP did a lot of soul searching and decided that he needed to act in a certain way (withdrawing and giving himself space at times) to prevent the emotional messiness that characterised his marriage. And he's sticking to that approach no matter what.

The trouble is, he hasn't given consideration to how it affects you. He's only thinking of himself here.

Could counselling or a marriage course help you get to the bottom of this?

But if he can't / doesn't change, you know you can't stay with him.

Doing this once would be excusable IF he realised that his triggers in terms of his previous relationship with ExW were HIS PROBLEM and that behaving like this towards you was not acceptable and he then worked on changing the way he dealt with disagreements with you such that you can both work through them in a constructive way.

But he is not doing that, is he? He needs to change his behaviour. You can't do that for him.

As it stands, he is telling you loud and clear that this is how he will behave in the face of disagreement in the relationship. He is controlling and this is actually pretty abusive.

He says this is just how he copes with things and I need to accept it.

Er no - you don't need to accept it at all.

Lifeisweet, you are the one who needs some distance from him.
You know that he's putting you down, controlling you.
I can't believe that after a few days he snaps his fingers & says, "I'll allow you to come back and do what I say, now."
How about this time, when he snaps his fingers, you don't respond?
Don't tell him that you're having time to heal your self-esteem from his behaviour, just do it. Shift the power away from him.
Go out with your friends, go for walks, have days out. At the end of a week or two, re-evaluate, do you really want that level of control in your life?
Give yourself time away to think.

I had a breakdown earlier in the year and ended up in hospital.

Hmm...do you know that people with mental health problems AND abusive partners often find them selves much better once they dump those abusive partners.

You only have to tell him to fuck off just the once you know. It's only been two years, don't waste any more of your life on him. He really isn't worth it and you are.

Thank you all. You are wise, as ever, and I do know this is unacceptable -- and I annoy myself by not tackling it.

I go through phases of wanting to get angry with him for treating me like this and wanting to tell him to shove it all up his arse.

And then moments like now... When I miss him and feel sick and hurt and just want to cry, or be unconscious.

I'm just trying to get myself back together. I've made some changes at work. Both of my children are at important stages and I feel like i don't have space to cope with this.

Op, I have anxiety too & my DP knows that cutting me off like he did affects me. He isn't as extreme as your DP, but I still think that how he's behaved isn't on. It shows massive disrespect & I'm not sure I can look at him in the same way.

I like to talk things through too - be an adult, show some emotional intelligence - not sulk, withdraw or be snippy about things. I'm far from perfect but I always try to consider another persons feelings & how my behaviour might have affected them.

I'm wondering whether mine will apologise. I'm not sure it's going to make any difference to how I feel though.

I know it affects you - I can recognise some of myself in what you are saying. Coping with kids when you're having a tough time emotionally isn't easy.

You deserve to be treated well & he's not doing that. He makes far too many excuses without actually doing anything about it - actions speak louder than words & all that...

These passive aggressive sulk fests are pathetic. It's simply a way for one person to get control over the other. If you displease them you'll be punished. My ex h had years of enjoyment out of this game till I divorced him. Get rid of him or you'll have a lifetime of it.

This. With knobs on

Also what DoreenLeathal said