Non-communication problem.

[lifeissweet]

This may be long. I apologise in advance.

DP and I have been together for 2 years. We have known each other for about 11 years, but were both married to other people. We are part of the same circle of friends. I was divorced for 5 years and him for 2 before we got together (just in case anyone was wondering)

We have always got on really well. Our friends were all delighted when we got together because we are so well suited. Including my ex-h, who I have an unusually good friendship with.

All was going amazingly well...until...

About 6 months in, we had a very minor disagreement. I was annoyed with him about something he had done that had hurt me and I told him so.

Completely without warning, the shutters came down. He wouldn't answer my calls, he wouldn't respond to messages save to say that he didn't want to talk to me. It was hell. I felt ill. I thought it was all over.

After 2 days of being ignored, he invited me round, told me he had been going over things in his head. He had been worried that I was trying to manipulate him. I wasn't. He had decided that I wasn't, so now everything was ok. He was trying to guard against the same mistakes made in his marriage, where he had been controlled and manipulated and was determined not to let that happen again.

I was upset with him, but relieved that things were back on track, so on we went...

This has happened 3 times since. Always about something small that was taken the wrong way. He refuses to answer my calls and gets annoyed if I text him saying 'all I want is some space and you can at least give me that.'

When I ask him about it he just says he needs time to think and that I need to leave him alone. He stops short of completely ignoring me. He'll send a good morning or a goodnight (just those words. No elaboration) and if I try to call, he'll text a 'do you need me for anything?' and if I say 'just to talk to you.' He'll say 'oh. Ok.' Or remind me that I'm supposed to be leaving him alone.

He is doing this to me at the moment. We don't live together. We have complicated and busy lives. I went round to his on Thursday night. Neither of us had our children. I usually stay the night. I was getting tired at about 11, so said I might go to bed. He said 'so you're going home, then?'

And I was a bit surprised and asked 'can't I stay here?'

And he said
'No.'

Just that.

So I got my stuff together and started to leave. I was upset. Visibly so.

He got annoyed with me. I told him it was fine. He needed a night to himself and that is valid. I sometimes do too, I was just disappointed as I hadn't seen him all week and like waking up with him. He accused me of trying to make him feel bad.

I left.

And since then it has been the cold shoulder.

He sends me good morning and goodnight messages and we even all went to his sister's house for lunch yesterday, but he didn't speak directly to me or look at me the whole time we were there.

I feel like I'm going mad.
I have told him how this makes me feel. It doesn't seem to make a difference. He says this is just how he copes with things and I need to accept it.
But it makes me feel physically sick and Insecure and out of control.
Is Any Fucker around to give me a kick up the arse?

Well done OP. It sounds like you handled it perfectly. Arguing back with him would probably have been counter productive anyway.

Look after yourself. Have a hug ()

Well done OP. You will feel the relief soon enough. And well done for not being swayed by his gaslighting for beginners. "I can't believe you'd think I could do such a thing" is such a tool for manipulation, putting the blame all on you for how you feel rather than on them for what they are doing.

And you were right not to argue. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, especially not a manipulative one.

This to me is the kernel of what he said

maybe he doesn't want to be with someone who makes such a massive drama about absolutely nothing.

there's nothing else to say then is there?

Perfect answer. And then you left. :)

Well done OP.

There are lots of people who are lovely friends but shit at relationships. Probably because being in a relationship makes them feel threatened. The key is to identify this and walk away, as you have.

I think you handled it perfectly and said exactly the right thing. He would have argued if you'd tried to engage. He minimised, denied your experience and told you you are crazy.

It must be hard, but you are so much better off out of it

Don't doubt yourself. You're not crazy. You reacted normally. His expectations are crazy.

Well done. Treat yourself kindly this weekend. Wine, chocolate, TV. Xxxx

He set it up so his exit, when/if it came, could be framed exactly like this. That was the function of the Good Morning/Good night texts. He knew this up front. It is part of the head fuck strategy, and an emotional spanking for having boundaries that won't bend to his manipulations.

You really don't need to second guess yourself here.

Good and proper No Contact now...for at least several months unless/until friendship status can be revived, if you wanted (I wouldn't). (But I would guess he may not want this...or have you just close enough to put you in your place now and then).
The friend group doesn't need an explanation. "Sorry, I don't kiss and tell-whatever he may have said." To your parents, etc-"he is not a keeper-not for me anyway".

It is hard to be so misrepresented. But this is his currency. He misrepresents himself all the time, it sounds like. You are out of it early enough that your wounds will heal.

I want to crawl in a hole and cry. I have to put a brave face on in front of the children instead.

All with a big, lead weight in my stomach.

And now for the rest of your life- without him dragging you down!

It's all right to tell your children that you're sad. And I promise you that you will recover.

Thanks for the update OP. Sorry you're feeling so awful. But it will pass. Meanwhile, give yourself lots of TLC. Is there a family member or friend who could help you through it, maybe cheer you up?

FWIW, not only did you do the right thing, you did brilliantly. Although it doesn't feel great (standing up to a bully never does) you will feel so much better in the long run.

And I'm trying to work out why my judgement was so out of whack.

You're a good person. You met someone who you thought was a good person but you came to realise that he had issues. You were strong and left him. Your judgement is not out of whack.

Did his family not notice him giving you the cold shoulder? Did they not find his behaviour strange? Or perhaps they are used to his moods.

You don't have to explain yourself. If people ask what happened just say things didn't work out. Focus on yourself and your family.

Now I'm going to go waaa waaa waaa woe is me and be all self indulgently sorry for myself for a minute...apologies in advance. I know this is boring.

I am 37 next week (happy bloody birthday to me). I have a deaf DS and a massive fight ahead of me to get him into the secondary school we want for him. I have 3 year old DD, who's father is next to useless and gives me a pitiful amount of money for - he then fits her in around his other commitments and changes his plans all the time, so I never know when I'm going to have a break.

I am just beginning a Masters, having dropped to part time at work. I am excited by that, but daunted and money will be tight.

Apart from the emotional side of having someone to support me and help me through it all, we had been meaning to move in together - he bought that house last year because it is big enough to house us all. It is supposed to be 'our' house. I was feeling slightly less under pressure about having to do things all on my own (which I can do - I've been doing it for a long time) and now I'm back to square one.

So yes. I'm not being ignored every couple of months, but the other consequences are difficult to take.

I have 2 children, 2 different Dads, I am not young, I am chaotically busy and now I'm on my own - and even if I did meet someone else now, I am too scared to be as open and vulnerable again.

So is this it now? It just feels like a massive slog.

This has been bad luck, OP. Don't worry it's lifelong doom to being on your own. There are decent guys out there who are straightforward and easy. 37 is young yet to have a good life as a single person or to meet someone. And you'll be open again when you're ready and it's right for you.

This isn't it. You will meet someone else in time.

It isn't just not
Not being ignored every couple of months though, is it?
Imho, you would come to find that you couldn't really count on him for your support/needs. He'd be too busy keeping himself out there being Mr Nice Guy and helping everyone else except you.

And the thing with designing your ring, buying it...and then not giving it to you! That is a control/power play. He is the master withholding the reward. If he ever gave the ring then something else big would take its place. Mean while small insignificant good deeds are done as the smoke screen (Good Morning/Good Night). This reminds me of "sick systems-how to keep someone with you forever" (sorry can't link but the website is: issendai.com). This was linked on another thread recently and is an interesting read.

You presume he would have been a big help to you. Just know that there was going to be a huge price tag for that. Huge. You saw that! And well done on acting for your (and thus your dc as well) best interest.

Your life sounds pretty exciting actually (pat work, masters & 2 kids out of nappies). I'm 37, I'm far too young to settle for some EA relationship likemy parents have. It's tough OP, but it will come good in the end

Well Done lifeissweet

Yes,it's daunting being on your own,again. But you are now in control of your own life ...and the world is your oyster. You're free!!

Stick with it. This is just a dip. I promise you will feel SO much better in a week or so.
Keep busy and don't dwell

How are you doing, OP? Sunday can be a bugger at the best of times.

Thanks so much for asking, Liney. As it happens, my friend has had a trauma with her DH, so I looked after her children and dug over her garden - which helped her out and kept me occupied. Her troubles are way greater than mine, so that gave me some perspective.

I'm doing ok. Night time is bad, but work is busy, so week days are not so awful so far. I can't say I'm sleeping very well.

Other than than I'm surviving.

Thank you for thinking of me.

lifeissweet I think you sound like a brilliant friend.

Will you be on MN later? I will, but I have to watch Downton Abbey first

I'm always lurking around!

See you later.

OP, I have been where you are now. Your posts reek of the frustration I once felt. It is coming from the fact that you need to know that he understands why you dumped him behave the way you do towards him. It would also be great if he could accept some of the blame instead of everything bouncing off him and it all looking like it's you that's the nut.
It's not you, it's him and he is never going to admit anything. He makes himself feel bigger by reducing you. The frustration is hellish. I had a four year relationship like this and it drove me to the edge of crazy. I was constantly tapping the glass on my own internal barometer of what as right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. He used to push me to my limit and then back off constantly and behave in similar ways you describe. This meant that I left him several times and he would pull out all the stops and be the bloke I wanted. He could only be this person for shorter and shorter lengths of time though. One rare day he got lazy and overstepped the mark to the point where it was obvious what he was doing, ie being manipulative beyond belief. I copped on and left him. He was absolutely vile to me and I looked to the whole world like I was the crazy one and it hurt like hell. I stayed clear though and in time, it became evident I did the right thing. He knows what he is doing to you but it's part of who and what he is. I doubt he sees anything wrong in his behaviour towards you. These types can be amazingly attractive in many ways . I had an immense struggle getting totally free as I so wanted him to admit partial blame and it took me a couple of years before I felt I could trust my judgement again. You will get there but be prepared for it to take a while.