Non-communication problem.

[lifeissweet]

This may be long. I apologise in advance.

DP and I have been together for 2 years. We have known each other for about 11 years, but were both married to other people. We are part of the same circle of friends. I was divorced for 5 years and him for 2 before we got together (just in case anyone was wondering)

We have always got on really well. Our friends were all delighted when we got together because we are so well suited. Including my ex-h, who I have an unusually good friendship with.

All was going amazingly well...until...

About 6 months in, we had a very minor disagreement. I was annoyed with him about something he had done that had hurt me and I told him so.

Completely without warning, the shutters came down. He wouldn't answer my calls, he wouldn't respond to messages save to say that he didn't want to talk to me. It was hell. I felt ill. I thought it was all over.

After 2 days of being ignored, he invited me round, told me he had been going over things in his head. He had been worried that I was trying to manipulate him. I wasn't. He had decided that I wasn't, so now everything was ok. He was trying to guard against the same mistakes made in his marriage, where he had been controlled and manipulated and was determined not to let that happen again.

I was upset with him, but relieved that things were back on track, so on we went...

This has happened 3 times since. Always about something small that was taken the wrong way. He refuses to answer my calls and gets annoyed if I text him saying 'all I want is some space and you can at least give me that.'

When I ask him about it he just says he needs time to think and that I need to leave him alone. He stops short of completely ignoring me. He'll send a good morning or a goodnight (just those words. No elaboration) and if I try to call, he'll text a 'do you need me for anything?' and if I say 'just to talk to you.' He'll say 'oh. Ok.' Or remind me that I'm supposed to be leaving him alone.

He is doing this to me at the moment. We don't live together. We have complicated and busy lives. I went round to his on Thursday night. Neither of us had our children. I usually stay the night. I was getting tired at about 11, so said I might go to bed. He said 'so you're going home, then?'

And I was a bit surprised and asked 'can't I stay here?'

And he said
'No.'

Just that.

So I got my stuff together and started to leave. I was upset. Visibly so.

He got annoyed with me. I told him it was fine. He needed a night to himself and that is valid. I sometimes do too, I was just disappointed as I hadn't seen him all week and like waking up with him. He accused me of trying to make him feel bad.

I left.

And since then it has been the cold shoulder.

He sends me good morning and goodnight messages and we even all went to his sister's house for lunch yesterday, but he didn't speak directly to me or look at me the whole time we were there.

I feel like I'm going mad.
I have told him how this makes me feel. It doesn't seem to make a difference. He says this is just how he copes with things and I need to accept it.
But it makes me feel physically sick and Insecure and out of control.
Is Any Fucker around to give me a kick up the arse?

Thank you all. You have given me lots to think about. It's why I posted. I know that I can't put up with this bullshit, but I've got into a place where I don't trust my own judgement. As most of my friends are his friends too, it makes it difficult to talk about with anyone.

I have enough self esteem built up to know I don't deserve this.

It is hard, though. I know people come on here saying 'my DP is a twunt and abuses me, but I really love him' and it makes me feel frustrated, but it is quite hard to detach nonetheless.

"I don't operate like this."
Nor does any emotionally mature adult Lifeissweet. When you see your psychologist what does s/he say regarding how your DP deals with issues and how it effects your mental health? Because even if you were in a good place mentally this sort of behaviour is really hard to cope with.

He is training you so well. You are already apologising for having feelings, wants and needs.

Come on OP, you know what you need to do. Getting rid of this manipulative fool will give you a lot more mental room to cope with stuff, since you won't be sitting around agonising over whether you've upset him with your unreasonable demands to be treated like a human being.

As if to prove the point, he has just sent a message saying I can do my washing while he's working late tomorrow (my washing machine broke down)

I said thank you and do you have any idea when you might be ready to speak to me again?

He said
'I'm sorry. I don't know that. It may be tomorrow, it may be next week. I don't get the feeling you want to speak to me anyway. I feel like you are waiting for an apology.

I have a lot rolling around in my head at the moment and don't want a showdown just yet.'

Ugh. Please end it now OP. well, do your washing first

I don't know what makes him think there's going to be a showdown. This is a non-issue. I have done nothing wrong (unless there is something I am unaware of) and he hadn't done anything wrong until he started ignoring me!

What a fucking mess.

Thank you for your messages, everyone. You are helping me a lot.

'I don't want a showdown' = 'I don't want a single word from you that questions my behaviour, and if I hear one I'll go back to the silent treatment'

This is almost certainly contributing to your precarious state of mind. He's not good for you. I'd still go round and do your washing when he's not there because he owes you that much. But I would stop any other communications with him and start thinking of yourself as in recovery from this relationship. Walk away.

Could you just text back: "can't be bothered to wait, so don't worry about apology or showdown. Bye" , then go to the launderette?

I lived with this PA nonsense for so many years I thought it was normal and even started doing it myself at times. But it really isn't a healthy way to go on.
Reading your OP it sounds as though your DP got the hump when you said you were tired and wanted to go to bed. The rest has escalated from that.

You know what to do: give him space, lots and lots of space, while you get on with your life. Then when he comes back ready to forgive you and start talking again you give him both barrels about his PA behaviour and explain this is why relationships break down and you do not wish to be with someone who treats you like this any more. And mean it!
If he takes it on board and does something about it great, but he probably won't because people dont change who they are without a great deal of effort.

What I feel is making this feel so much worse is that before the first time this happened I felt like finally things were coming together in my life. I had had a difficult time, an unexpected baby with someone I wasn't in a proper relationship with. I tried to make that work, but it was doomed.

And then DP decided to make a play for me.

He is like the backbone of my group of friends. He's the one everyone turns to when they need help. He is a support to so many people and will do anything for anyone. My children have known him all their lives and think he's fantastic.

People are constantly telling me how lucky I am. And I felt that way too.

And then this.

And everytime it happens I feel like the rug's been pulled out from under me and I wonder how things can feel so good and then suddenly so awful over a very tiny thing.

He has massive issues. I understand that. We all do. God only knows that I do.

But I don't think I can live with this. I can't stand not knowing where I am or where I stand.

He designed me an engagement ring last year. Bought the diamonds. Had it made. I know he has it in the house somewhere.

...and I've heard nothing since. He hasn't proposed. He mentions us getting married sometimes. He talks about our wedding...but then no action.

Does he actually hate me?

Please for the love of god get some counselling and get away from this man. He has already done huge damage to your self esteem and your sanity. You do realise that being in a committed relationship with someone you love does not involve making them wonder if you hate them?!

Ah, no wonder you're so unsure of yourself. He's a professional nice guy. I used to know someone very like this. Note the 'used to'. There can be a downside and it's what you're seeing now. Someone becomes the scapegoat. And because he is so nice to the other people around him, you think 'if he's nice to everyone else but hot and cold with me, his partner, then it must be me. I'm making him like this'. Not so. It's a need he has and it won't go away.

I would distance yourself from him, and I would think carefully about who your kindest friends are in that group and keep in close communication with them. Let them know there were problems but that you're now moving on and you're hoping everyone around you will be able to adjust to that. The kids will cope. If he's not good for you, he's not good for them.

he's a gaslighting, passive aggressive piece of shit

who cares that all your friends think he is great...anyone can be great when they get the cookies for it but they don't see what goes on behind closed doors

I suggest you bin him and concentrate on the actual children you gave birth to, I really cannot see how you have room in your life for this attention seeking manchild

get your Big Girl Pants on

Thanks, AF. I knew you'd give it to me straight.

they all said it too ^^

not one person here (all of us being non-invested in maintaining his image as a Good Guy) thinks there is one small reason for you to stick around for more of the same treatment

this isn't going to get better, love

Yup. Deep breath and grit teeth time. I'm going to grieve for what I thought this relationship was going to be. It is going to be fucking painful.

But it is done. I don't need this crap.

I'm going to grieve for what I thought this relationship was going to be.

You are grieving for something that didn't exist and that you were never going to get.

(Not that that makes the grief any easier to bear.)

XXX

I'm going to gloss over the fact this man sounds like a prize A, gaslighting self indulgent arse and simply say this - for YOUR sake (with nothing to do with him) - get YOU feeling tip top.

Personally, if I had a breakdown and was hospitalised needing psychological help (and I have, for the record), the LAST thing I'd want is a man who quite rightly has his own needs, but that he quite blatantly puts HIS needs so much higher than yours - love, that isn't a relationship - that's a recipe for disaster and the hard work you've done to get yourself in a stable frame of mind is at severe risk of being destabilised.

This guy, emotionally redundant/uncommunicative/set of own issues aside, is presumably an adult with a brain - and in my world (and I imagine most peoples') I would NOT tolerate somebody who was so dismissive of what you quite rightly deserve; respect.

People need space - we all do right? However, there are ways and means of delivering that message across without being a total fuckface. You'd hardly tell somebody in the street who is asking directions to effectively fuck off out of your space, so why the hell should you tolerate it from somebody who is meant to be looking out for your needs?

Oh gosh OP he sounds fucking hideous.

Seriously, as others have said it's horribly controlling behaviour. You can talk about your argument, orchestrated by him, as soon as he deigns he is ready? And let me guess, by the time he's ready you're just so fucking grateful he's talking to you again that you are desperate not to rock the boat so brush all his manipulative behaviour under the carpet?

Let him sit in his cave and lick his wounds, waiting for you to come in and see him. And just don't bother going in to see him. Ever. If he likes his own company so much then I'm sure he'll be delighted to be single.

I'd make it a short but sweet dumping. 'Hi! I've done some thinking of my own and I had so much time to think that I realised I'm just not that into you. Bye.'

Op that last message is pitiful. His intention is to punish you and you shouldn't doubt how much enjoyment he gets out of it. It's no surprise everyone thinks he's a great guy, he doesn't inflict these punishments on them because he knows they won't put up with it.

He wouldn't be hearing from me again.

"But it is done. I don't need this crap."

YES. So glad to read this OP.

Also, "get your Big Girl Pants on" complete with picture - you're my hero AnyFucker

letmereach.com/2014/06/09/the-deafening-brutality-of-the-narcissists-silent-treatment/

It's funny, AF. I put that on really loud last time he pulled this on me.

We are in the habit of sending each other youtube videos of songs sometimes. I have considered sending that one myself!

He is digging his own sad grave now. He is now trying to orchestrate reasons to come round.
'Why don't I come and get your washing, so you only have to pick it up tomorrow?'

'Does DD want any of the toys she has left here?'

All met with 'no. Thanks. I'll collect it all tomorrow (along with my DS's bits and bobs and my toothbrush and all the other stuff I have round there)

What possible reason could he want to come here unless it's to make me feel even worse. 'Look. I'm here. You can't ignore me. Here I am ignoring you. Ha ha ha'

Or he wants to talk, which he hasn't said and I'm not up for.

Thanks all.

I am aiming not to be one of those who comes back in a few months with exactly the same problem again. I have been in your positions where you see so clearly what a dicksplash someone's 'D'P is and then they don't take unanimous advice and - hey presto - nothing changes.

No. Not me. Not this time.

Thank you everyone!

Tell him to pack everything that belongs to you and leave it on your doorstep, make it clear you have had enough