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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

875 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:55

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

OP posts:
YouBastardSockBalls · 17/09/2015 09:46

My DP has had issues with his kids and he now has a very strained relationship with his eldest.

Well no shit Sherlock.

ToGoBoldly · 17/09/2015 09:47

"My DP has had issues with his kids and he now has a very strained relationship with his eldest." no shit.

AndDeepBreath · 17/09/2015 09:48

You are so fucked in any chance of having a happy normal long term relationship with this guy.

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2015 09:49

"His ex didn't know he was having affairs. She hadn't forgiven him previously as she didn't know and was in the dark."

How do you know this?

And I think you need to read catsrus' post again- I don't think the "thank you" she talked about was quite the sort of "thank you" anyone would want to receive..........

Lweji · 17/09/2015 09:49

My DP was really fucked off with her for looking as he said she didn't have a fucking clue he was cheating and he does think she 'snooped' (his word not mine)
So, if she had asked he'd have told her the truth? Sure.
Assuming he is telling you the truth (well...) how would he know she didn't have a fucking clue (charming too)?
Is he putting down snooping as a reason for divorce? I can see why it's taking this long.

I also feel sorry for you as you must be tired of the mental and emotional gymnastics you are having to do to stay in and justify this relationship.

And, btw, your last posts are becoming pathetic in his defence. I'm sure it's because you were part of it, so you feel you have to swallow his justifications and share his unreasonable anger. But try to distance yourself and you may well see that there is only one way for you to keep your integrity and self respect. I don't think you had self esteem issues. I think they are very much still there. :(
Part of it is to admit that most of his (and your) script is bulshit.

Btw, it's incredibly rare that you have everyone agreeing on a MN threat. And many (most?) weren't even cheated on.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 17/09/2015 09:59

Yeah he was angry because he got slung out and had to live apart from his kids. His initial anger was misplaced but of course he knows it's his fault not his ex's. He reacted badly because he fucked it all up.

He did want to stay because he didn't want to break his family up. He does now think it worked out for the best while still regretting the pain we've caused and he does still feel guilty.

He's not paying himself any less than he did while they were married. He has been financially responsible towards his family. He's not tried to screw her over.

OP posts:
Fratelli · 17/09/2015 10:00

Op I'm just unsure why you think he loves you so much? His actions were to stay with his wife until she kicked him out. Also, his relationship with his kids may never "settle down". The trust has gone as he's not the person they thought he was.

Fratelli · 17/09/2015 10:03

And his wife was right to "sling him out"!

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 17/09/2015 10:09

What are you then, ComeDownToMe - The consolation prize?

Why am I thinking of the Monopoly card "You have won second prize in a beauty contest, collect £10" ??

Honestly OP, have some self respect - you're the fool, not the wife. You seem to think you have won something, and that he loves you - he doesn't. He's just with you because you were there when his wife kicked him out.

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2015 10:10

"and he does think she 'snooped' (his word not mine)"

Even though he also thinks "he fucked it all up"?

Lweji · 17/09/2015 10:11

So, he's a self employed workaholic who pays himself very little?
Does that make sense at all?

Why are you quoting his initial reactions if it's not how he feels now?
You're making very little sense. You must be all over the place.

AyeAmarok · 17/09/2015 10:13

OP, well done for keeping talking this through as you start to understand that your relationship and DP isn't in reality aligned with the narrative you heard from him and have in your head. That really cant be easy.

You're not blind here. You are starting to see what he is, even if you chose to settle for that sort of a partner, at least you will be doing so with your eyes wide open and you can take steps to protect yourself.

BathtimeFunkster · 17/09/2015 10:19

when he's divorced and we both want to when it's a tad easier with his family.

No, you want to get married.

It's never going to be easier with his family, they will always hate you.

He knows that, so it's just an empty promise.

But he has had decades of manipulating foolish women into giving him sex with no commitment on his part...

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 17/09/2015 10:20

His ex has made it quite clear to him she didn't know about his cheating. I believe him because from what I know she wouldn't have forgiven him for cheating.

Bertrand I know Catsrus 'thank you' was a thank fuck for that comment.

His ex is divorcing him.

I can see everyone thinks he's a fucking bastard and I should leave. I dont see him like that at all. I know he's behaved like a complete bastard and I find it hard to imagine cheating on someone for such a long time without guilt being written all over him.

I couldn't do what he had done. I couldn't tell my partner whatever excuse he used knowing I was going off to have sex with someone else.

I know I'm deluding myself about him to some extent but we are really good together. For the first time in my life I'm really happy and settled and I don't want to give it up on the basis he might hurt me in the future.

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 17/09/2015 10:22

Look OP I'm not going to slate you as I think you sound quite conflicted and I think you know the truth but just don't want to face it.

But your 'D'P is not a good person. He cheated on his wife repeatedly, and is angry with her for finding out. Think about that - he's done something a reasonable person wouldn't do, and his response is to be angry he was caught.

He's not pulling his weight in the house. His children are angry with him. It sounds as if he's minimising his salary probably to avoid paying decent maintenance. If this is as good as your life gets, is it enough for you?

You may love him, he may think he loves you (I don't think he seems the type to really be capable of love) - but can you feel secure? Do you think your current happiness was worth the hurt it caused?

YouBastardSockBalls · 17/09/2015 10:22

He did want to stay because he didn't want to break his family up.

HE broke his family up. HE did it. No one else.
If he was that bothered about his family, he WOULD NOT have been off shagging you and a variety of others.
DECENT people do not break their families up by cheating and treating their wife and the mother of their children so terribly.

He did. He IS NOT a decent person.

HE broke his family up. No one else, just him.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 17/09/2015 10:25

Lweji I'm not all over the place but it is very hard reading this thread as I know you're all talking a lot of sense.

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 17/09/2015 10:26

"I'm really happy and settled and I don't want to give it up on the basis he might hurt me in the future."

Well it's either that, or carry on in the knowledge that you probably will be hurt in the future.

All relationships have an element of risk, no one goes into them expecting or wanting to be hurt, and it involves exposing your weaknesses and trusting people. In turn, you should only be with someone who respects you and has shown that they can be trusted to not exploit you. In this sense, the cheating on his wife is kind of secondary and a distraction from the primary fact, which is that he has already shown that he does not respect you, and told you as much since he would not have left his wife had she not found out. So he was exploiting you as a needy, low self esteem OW who was devoting herself to him while he had the best of both worlds, thereby foresaking her own chance of happiness.

Don't say we didn't warn you, OP. At least comfort yourself with the fact that the MN Relationships board will be here when it goes tits up.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 17/09/2015 10:32

Chrys thank you; I am very conflicted hence my original post.

I think he's a good bloke despite everything. I thought I was a decent person. Everything else and all of you are telling me different.

I do feel so guilty for hurting innocent people. I hate myself for being the sort of person who's caused my friend so much devastation. But I don't want to leave him, he's really great with me and I really do love him. Conflicted doesn't even cover it.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 17/09/2015 10:34

In this sense, the cheating on his wife is kind of secondary and a distraction from the primary fact, which is that he has already shown that he does not respect you, and told you as much since he would not have left his wife had she not found out. So he was exploiting you as a needy, low self esteem OW who was devoting herself to him while he had the best of both worlds, thereby foresaking her own chance of happiness.

This, exactly.

This fucker saw you coming.

Annarose2014 · 17/09/2015 10:39

I know you posted here cos your bubble of denial is cracking because of your friends situation. You've become distressed over his and your actions over the past year. Fair enough.

But despite your thread title you don't seem "confused" at all, actually. He's a great guy. He just did some shitty things. You definately don't need to worry about anything. He never caught any STD in all his years of random hookups, and he definately isn't underplaying his companies worth in the divorce. He's a lovely person who loves his kids and regrets everything. Correct?

I'm the one confused - whats the problem exactly? Why are you posting?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 17/09/2015 10:40

Have you any children? Do you want them?

MrsFring · 17/09/2015 10:44

OP, despite my snarky comment to you upthread I don't think you're a bad person. The fact that you're reading and absorbing comments which must be profoundly unsettling to you says quite a lot.

The OW in my marriage ( a 'friend' ) couldn't give a shiny shit about me or the irreparable damage that the affair has done to my kids. I think that you have the potential to be the kind of woman who can look at herself in the mirror; why not find out.

ToGoBoldly · 17/09/2015 10:44

OP you struggle to see him as a total bastard, because in truth, very few people apart from despots and very very abusive people are total bastards.

However you are refusing to see that he does have quite the bastard side to him. And that side is how he conducts himself in totally comitted relationships. Which means there is a threat to your happiness.

Duckdeamon · 17/09/2015 10:46

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....