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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been totally ignored by my boyfriend

165 replies

milliemolliemoo · 10/09/2015 08:35

I've sent 4 texts over the last two days - all of which have been read and ignored. He won't answer the phone. He has been online to talk to other people.

I haven't a clue what is happening. He is currently in the process of selling a house and is stressed about this but why not talk to me?

I wondered if he was trying to just be a coward and delete me out of his life but he hasn't blocked me on whatsapp or deleted me on facebook or anything, just purely ignoring me. i cant stop crying wondering if things are okay and ive txt to say how worried i am. ive turned my phone off now but i dont know what to do? do i leave him alone completely? do i try contact again in a few days but what if he ignores me again?

im heartbroken.

OP posts:
Itisbetternow · 13/09/2015 09:49

I had the same thing done to me a couple of weeks ago. Silent treatment after a year of dating. I sent a text telling him his behaviour was disgraceful. He can back with some wooly explanation about how he needed time to decorate etc etc. I told him the relationship was finished as I don't play games. This is a 55 year old man, professional job, own home, teeth and two teenage boys!!!

Having read this I agree with the poster about booty calls. In reality although I had been seeing him for a year we both have kids so in reality it was every other weekend, ie twice a month, ie 24 times in the year. I don't think we really know each other as true friends as he was never really there for me / except by text!

Good luck op and move on. Ultimately good friends don't do this too each other. He is s coward and A shit or using the MN word a cockwomble!!!

BathtimeFunkster · 13/09/2015 09:53

I aren't a drama queen and not one to "demand" an explanation from him

Of course. Sorry, that wasn't directed at you. It was a response to the idea that deciding to move on after poor treatment is an indicator that you have a teenage attitude to relationships.

Sorry, I don't think you have done anything wrong at all.

Nothing he can say to "explain" what he's done. His thought process in this cruelty is irrelevant.

What you know is enough - you can't have a person like this in your life.

You deserve better.

He is not worth another thought.

But if you were in the business of trying to piss him off, the course of action most likely to achieve that is detached disdain, and absolute, unembarrassed openness with other people about what happened. Wink

"Oh yeah, he's old news. You'll never guess what he did - sent me a SNAPCHAT picture of himself with another woman! Grin Yes, an utter douchebag."

People who ignore enjoy the power it gives them and your powerlessness to know what is going on.

Asking him for an explanation is like giving him yourself wrapped up as a present. He is waiting for it, anticipating it. Don't give it to him.

NorksAreMessy · 13/09/2015 09:53

...or wankbadger.

Dignity, millie is your best friend now. If you contact him in any way at all, you will have lost your dignity and part of your self-respect.
Head high, big smile, don't look back.

ArgentinianMalbec · 13/09/2015 09:54

Millie I'm sorry he's been such a shit. It will be hard as you will want closure, but as a pp has said if you want to maintain any dignity I would ignore him now. At least you know now what he's like, rather than find out in 6 years when you have kids etc. Thanks for you, his behaviour sucks.

LurcioAgain · 13/09/2015 10:15

Okay, by "owed" I don't mean "he signed a contract" - but there's a basic set of not unreasonable expectations about behaviour which are of course context dependent. So - pull in night club, ONS, no obligation to get in touch and solemnly say "sorry, on reflection I don't want to do this again." Year long relationship - hell, yes, expectation that a decent person would say something concrete to end it... so I guess one thing on which we can agree is that OP's now ex is not decent.

I remember a great thread about having sex with a new man while on a period, and there was a great post where someone said "3 dates in I texted new man to say 'sorry, wrong time of month, do you want me to bother coming round?' and he said 'yes, don't worry, we'll get a takeaway and snuggle.'" Poster in question tgen added that's when she knew he was a keeper. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you want a relationship rather than a series of booty calls there are usually signals like this that tell you which it is (and of course often in the heat of the moment, suffering from wishful thinking, we wilfully ignore the contrary he's a twat indications - I have certainly done this in the past).

And actually even a year long fwb arrangement (n'owt wrong with that if you both have the same expectations) someone decent moving on from that would say something.

cremeeggboycotter · 13/09/2015 10:17

OP you may never know why he's behaving like this but his actions certainly speak volumes. You could try calling him but if he ignores it then you won't be able to get any answers or truth. Even if he does answer you may not get any truth.

I didn't with my ex, I found out through friends that he 'respected me and cared about me to much to end the relationship' which was completely bollocks, you have zero respect and care for someone you treat like this- he just didn't want to appear 'the bad guy' which he wouldn't if he'd acted normally and broke things off. He'd still have broken my heart but not made me insecure, stressed and feeling inadequate.

BIWI · 13/09/2015 10:23

Sending you a Snapchat is particularly cruel - it disappears after 10 seconds so although you've seen it, you can't see it again to prove to anyone else that you've seen it. He could deny it as well.

He's tormenting you.

There's no reason for this other than he is a nasty piece of work, who doesn't respect you and doesn't like you either.

Would you do this to someone you like? No. (At least I hope not.)

Ignore him. It's over. Move on.

bodenbiscuit · 13/09/2015 10:37

Yes I think that the snapchat thing proves he's being deliberately nasty and therefore I wouldn't bother speaking to him or trying to contact him at all as he is obviously getting a kick out of the upset he is causing.

It must be a horrible shock for the op though to find out how awful he is after knowing him so many years before they were in a relationship!

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 13/09/2015 10:45

I am so sorry - you must be feeling awful right now.

He has ignored you all week and then sent you a picture of him out and about with the very girl he knows will most upset you.

He laid the groundwork a few weeks ago saying he was 'depressed'. This was the beginning of his get out. However, whilst it seems he's depressed enough to not contact you, he's not depressed enough to not go out drinking with another girl.

You understandably want answers but what is he going to tell you that you've not already worked out? Don't give him the satisfaction. People break up all the time - but there's a kind way to do it and there's a nasty, cruel, game-playing way too. And he's opted for the latter. Good riddance.

Botanicbaby · 13/09/2015 11:06

Bathtimefunkster is spot on with every post. Please listen to what they say.

What an utterly shit way to treat someone, OP, I know it won't feel like that yet as you're understandably hurt but you've had a lucky escape & deserve far, far better. I thought he was late teens/early twenties from reading your posts gobsmacked he's almost 30! So immature.

LyndaNotLinda · 13/09/2015 11:07

I agree with BIWI. He's horribly cruel and worse than a coward.

He's kept the lines of communication open so he can torture you. What an utter shit

Original poster
milliemolliemoo · 13/09/2015 11:08

I texted an hour ago, not had a reply but also not checked to see if it has been read. thanks for all the support, I can't believe how cruel he has been to me. we had the most amazing weekend just over a fortnight ago and I was on cloud 9 :'(

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/09/2015 11:10

LEAVE. HIM. ALONE!

You won't get what you want from him. In fact you're just playing into his hands and giving him all the power.

Why do you want to torment yourself in this way? And that's a genuine question, not a rhetorical one.

LyndaNotLinda · 13/09/2015 11:13

Delete and block his number. Delete him from Facebook. Block him from WhatsApp.

Stop it. Just stop it. Honestly, this man has been fucking you, you haven't been in a relationship at all. He has total contempt for you. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
milliemolliemoo · 13/09/2015 11:17

ok so he replied saying he is talking to me and called me a pet name. I'm not replying. can't stop crying :( turning my phone off and going out!

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/09/2015 11:21

Good for you. Have a great day and try not to think about him. (Oh, and well done for not replying!)

cremeeggboycotter · 13/09/2015 11:22

Oh OP, seriously get rid of him. He's made you miserable and he's messing with you. Do you really want someone who can do this in your life? He'll do it again.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/09/2015 11:24

His behaviour sounds very spiteful and nasty but I can't help wondering if he has been trying to get rid of you for a while now. Did he ever say, in the course of the year you two were seeing each other, that he considered you his girlfriend, did he ever talk about the future (even in the sense of booking tickets to a gig in a few weeks time)? Or did you just assume that fairly regular sex 'meant' that this was a relationship? Was there ever any discussion about whether or not the two of you were free to see other people?

You do seem a bit keen to pursue someone who doesn't appear to be very interested. It is honestly a lot better to cut your losses completely because anything you do now to contact him will only make it easier for him to a) torment you some more, if that's what gets him off or b) prove to all your mutual friends that you are a mad desperate bunny boiler.

bodenbiscuit · 13/09/2015 11:28

Millie, please believe me when I say this man is probably a sociopath. The type of silent treatment you describe is a huge hallmark of their behaviour. He will do it again and again. I've been on the receiving end of it myself. You can spend hours wondering why the hell they behave like this. People who are like this can it be cured and they will never change. You have to cut him out of your life.

I recommend looking at the website called 'Psychopath Free' it helped me.

Original poster
milliemolliemoo · 13/09/2015 11:28

yep we have things planned for December we are going to a gig together then. it was my parents anniversary this weekend and the week before last I said it's a long time to be with anybody and made a joke about how do people do it and he laughed and said we will. it's all so sudden and out of the blue to ignore me.

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 13/09/2015 11:29

SGB - a normal person trying to end a relationship does not behave like this whatever the circumstances!

bodenbiscuit · 13/09/2015 11:29

Cannot be cured*

BathtimeFunkster · 13/09/2015 11:41

Don't ever reply.

He is playing with you.

He is a nasty, cruel shit of a man.

Don't give him an inkling that you are upset over this.

You are sad because you've lost a decent man who you thought you had a future with.

You lost him because he never existed. The person who looks like the man you thought you loved isn't him.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 13/09/2015 11:49

Hmm sounds like he is seeing how shit he can treat you and get away with it. Totally ignored you for days. Sent you a snapchat with a girl you don't like and who has said she fancy him to wind you up and is now saying there is no problem. He is a total headfuck. I'd reply well you can go fuck yourself if you think you are ignoring me for days and then acting like nothings happened. Then turn your phone off and don't reply. At all. Ever. Hes a total head fuck.

EmGee · 13/09/2015 11:49

I think he is playing games with you.

In this day and age, there is no reason to not return your calls/texts/whatsapp's, or whatever. He has deliberately ignored you, knowing that you were upset about it. Been out of touch for days then sent you a photo of him with another girl? Just not on.

I had a similar experience with a guy once (we were both early 30s so not teens!). He went awol, never returned my calls, he was supposed to be meeting me to take me to the airport, never turned up etc etc. I remember my sister saying that he had better have a good excuse e.g. his phone had dropped to the bottom of the ocean or sthg.

In the end, I tracked him down via his parents (how embarrassing) and he eventually emailed me, all excuses (his phone had run out of battery first of all, then he felt like we were getting too serious bla bla bla).

I was heartbroken. Really. But after all the support I had had from family and friends (who I learnt didn't like him at all after all!), I had no choice but to go no contact. It was hard but best thing I ever did. Months and months later the cheeky git had the cheek to call me up like nothing had happened. After that, I sent him an email saying I wanted no more contact with him and as he wasn't the type of person I wanted to know, or have in my life.

He sent back an email expressing surprise which I deleted and that was the end of that. Good riddance.

All the best OP. It is hard and it will hurt, but he really isn't worth it if that is the way he has treated you.