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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Been totally ignored by my boyfriend

165 replies

milliemolliemoo · 10/09/2015 08:35

I've sent 4 texts over the last two days - all of which have been read and ignored. He won't answer the phone. He has been online to talk to other people.

I haven't a clue what is happening. He is currently in the process of selling a house and is stressed about this but why not talk to me?

I wondered if he was trying to just be a coward and delete me out of his life but he hasn't blocked me on whatsapp or deleted me on facebook or anything, just purely ignoring me. i cant stop crying wondering if things are okay and ive txt to say how worried i am. ive turned my phone off now but i dont know what to do? do i leave him alone completely? do i try contact again in a few days but what if he ignores me again?

im heartbroken.

OP posts:

bodenbiscuit · 11/09/2015 13:53

He sounds awful. Millie - if he's going to treat you like this, whatever the reason you don't need him in your life. It's not normal to treat anyone like this.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/09/2015 14:07

I'm a believer in getting to the facts.

She has the facts: he has ignored her for days.

She has no need of his interpretation of those facts.

All closure demands is that she mentally moves on. She doesn't need him for that.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/09/2015 14:16

I agree that moving on at this point is what you should do.
It may appear tit for tat to blank him back...but thinking about it that way would be, still, hanging on to an imaginary connection of this "relationship". So genuinely disconnect from him emotionally, as well as physically, of course.

It is shitty. Sorry.

Getting closure is a concept for recovery in some circumstances, but imho, not all circumstances need closure for one to be able to move on. You can write the last chapter in your own words and go from there.

Unless he grovels and profusely apologizes and has undeniable proof aliens abducted him , anything he bounces back with may just be lip service. It would approach entertainment for him (and anyone acquainted with the circumstances). Don't go there.

Continue your usual schedule, bright and breezy, like he is so old news. Fake it until you make it.

MagickPants · 11/09/2015 14:18

ugh you must be feeling so anguished, this is shit.

I agree with those saying you have to end it. (easier said than done) He has put you through a lot of pain - for nothing. He may or may not want to end it, but I think you should think about what sort of man could be so nasty and do it yourself.

Does he have anything of yours that you really want?

If not, just delete him, all the phone numbers, everything, and forget about it (or pretend to forget... )

Original poster

milliemolliemoo · 11/09/2015 14:30

i don't understand it :S monday he was fine and looking forward to seeing me...he has barely updated any social media but he has kept me as a friend on everything and it's not as though he has blocked me. i miss him so much, i cant just not speak again..i will leave it over the weekend and maybe get in touch sunday or mid week to ask wtf has happened.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 11/09/2015 16:15

Millie, one thing you have to remember is that he knows you are feeling uncertain and edgy. He knows you'll be irritated and upset. He could stop you feeling like that just by sending you one message, but he's choosing not to.

It's not the mark of a very kind man, is it?

eddielizzard · 11/09/2015 16:27

wise words imperialblether speaks

DogWalker75 · 11/09/2015 17:09

Yes I agree with imperial. He's choosing to make you feel like this. It would take very little time for him to text saying 'sorry, I need some space. No need to worry. I will be in touch when I feel better' or words to that effect.

And even if he does start taking to you again, you'll be on edge waiting for the next time it happens.

TokenGinger · 11/09/2015 17:25

Mille, I'd have to text. I'd just message and say, I'm assuming this whole thing we've been occupying ourselves with for a year has come to an end. Care to give me an insight as to why?

MotherOfFlagons · 11/09/2015 17:49

My ex used to do this. He'd just go incommunicado, refusing to answer his phone or respond to any messages but making his presence obvious online. It was his way of punishing me for some perceived slight, knowing I would be upset and angry at his silence and waiting for me to try and contact him so he could 'reject' me.

It's 100% his choice not to contact you and because he knows you will be upset, that makes him a dick. It's easier said than done, but move on and consider it over.

lauraa4 · 11/09/2015 17:57

If he hasn't replied/contacted you since your last messages its unlikely he's going to do so even if you attempt to make contact on Sunday or early next week. You will just upset yourself more when you realise your not going to get any answers, until unfortunately he is ready to man up and face you.

He's obviously making it very clear he wants to be left alone, and the fact he has been making contact with others on social media shows how immature and absolutely pathetic he is being. I agree with everyone else, you need to bin this bloke off. I would want answers too but don't lose your dignity over this and let him have the upper hand. He's clearly not worth your time.

Charley50 · 11/09/2015 18:06

Speaking from bitter experience, if for any reason you continue seeing him, you will be constantly anxious that he will play this game again, will become anxious about contact, and you will confuse the relief that you will feel when he does contact you, with love. And I agree with a pp, he's punishing you, in his pathetic way, for a perceived slight.

Charley50 · 11/09/2015 18:08

Sorry clunky, repeating anxious twice, but you get my drift.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/09/2015 18:18

I would get another boyfriend,

Tbh this may back fire, I once did when my boyfriend didn't speak to me for 2 weeks for no reason other than he didn't want to, so I got another one. Turns out original boyfriend was all upset by that and hadn't intended to exit stage left.

Oh wait a sec it didn't back fire as it's not just his feelings on the matter that count.

bodenbiscuit · 11/09/2015 19:43

Yes, motherof - the silent treatment is often associated with psychopathic behaviour. It's a form of control.

BIWI · 11/09/2015 19:49

Why don't you just ring him and ask what he's playing at? By waiting for him to contact you, you're putting all the power in his hands. Take charge and put him on the spot.

Then you can decide what you want to do.

MotherOfFlagons · 11/09/2015 19:54

You know what, I wish I hadn't put up with it when it was done to me. On one occasion he did it at a time when I was going through a horrible event in my life and I never did get to the bottom of why he ignored me for a week when he knew what I was going through. Instead I cringe when I remember the relief I felt when he finally called and told me he'd decided to be nice and speak to me.

Fuck, I wish I'd known about MN then.

Kick him into touch, you deserve better.

cremeeggboycotter · 11/09/2015 20:05

I would ring him OP. I'm sorry but he sounds like a cowardly dumper. My ex did the same to me, I had to call him and force the conversation, even say 'I think we should break up' because he didn't want to be the bad guy.

Well he ended up the bad guy for tormenting me for over a week.

Take control and call him. If he doesn't reply then fuck him.

Ask yourself, do you want to stay with someone who uses the silent treatment- and this can't be anything but since the most stressed person would have had the kindness to text even a 'sorry I can't talk it's mayhem here'.

If he's like this before you live together then be glad you won't have to live with him and tiptoe on eggshells

purpleponcho · 12/09/2015 15:42

Agree with SGB et al. who told you to cut your losses and run, OP.

What a coward he is.

bodenbiscuit · 12/09/2015 21:07

It's really cruel just to run out on someone you've been with for a year though with not even a word. I would be devastated. How would you trust someone again after something like that?

I guess it's possible he's one of those people with a double life and may have another girlfriend or wife somewhere?

lavenderhoney · 12/09/2015 21:19

If a chap wants space then give it to them by the spadeful. If he does text you, ignore him for a week.

I think you've dodged a bullet here though. No one, In a relationship of a year, hasn't got a minute to call or text. Hard but true.

I hope you've gone out or doing something nice. I wouldn't go round his house. He knows where you live and he's ignoring you. Ignore back, and see what happens. In the meantime, catch up with friends, have fun and if yah meet someone, date them.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 13/09/2015 07:23

Have you heard anything, Millie?

Original poster

milliemolliemoo · 13/09/2015 07:49

I received a snap chat in the early hours of this morning. it was a photo of him and a girl who we both know. he was drunk. it's pissed me off and I'm going to get in touch later. I need to know what's going on but if he doesn't reply to me then that's it I can't do nothing more. so upset I could cry.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 13/09/2015 07:50

i'm afraid he's telling you it's over. very shitty thing to do. what is there to talk about? a dignified silence is the way to go here.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/09/2015 07:52

Don't get in touch later, what's the point? He's being an arse, let him go and thank your lucky stars he's gone

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