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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Decided to bring up with DH about how our sexless marriage is making me feel

134 replies

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 08/09/2015 18:24

I brought it up in at a neutral time in a calm manner. Said how I'm feeling (upset and rejected and that I place a lot of emotional value on it so to me constantly being turned down and told no says to me he doesn't want to be with me)

He exploded. His reaction was to instantly tell me our marriage was over if I can't manage with it as is and that he isn't going to change.

I feel sick. I love him a lot and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. But on the other hand I can't live my life without Sex and without physical affection. I don't know what to do.

We have talked and haven't split up. He's just hot headed. But how do we move on from here?

OP posts:
guineapigpie · 10/09/2015 12:24

If he has a problem ejaculating with real women, it's not really surprising he indulges in fantasies, instead. It's highly unlikely to be helping him, though - it's probably making him feel worse about himself and less likely to risk humiliating himself in real life with someone he cares about. It proves he is interested in sex, though!

I'm not sure what to say about where you go from here. You have to find some way to get him to open up to you and deal with his obvious issues over sex, or your relationship is not going to last much longer. If he's scared you'll be disgusted by him, or disappointed in him, he is going to find that more than difficult, so I guess it depends how strong your emotional bond is outside the sexual bit; how safe he feels with you; whether he believes the relationship would stand any chance if he did reveal his insecurities to you; whether he actually wants the relationship to survive; whether he does still love you. You've put your heart on your sleeve for him and put yourself in a vulnerable position by letting him know how you are feeling. He now has to find a way to do the same for you. If he loves you and is genuinely confident that you love him, he's more likely to be able to do that. If he doesn't love you any more, then the sooner he admits this to you, the better. Can you not at least start with the idea that he be more physically affectionate in a non-sexual way, or find out if he still loves you even if he has a problem with having sex with you?

thehypocritesoaf · 10/09/2015 13:16

Well if he shouts at you when you try to talk about it, and won't even admit to a porn habit, then you're really going to struggle to change this by yourself.

Would you be able to see a counsellor to work out if this is the life you want. Flowers

HelenaDove · 10/09/2015 16:14

guinea why is it OPs responsibility. HE has the problem Why is it the OP who "has to find a way"

You are asking how safe he feels with her????????!!!!!!!!!! Confused to open up.

What about how safe she feels with him after the aggression he has shown?

So basically according to this thread........if its the womans weight...its down to the woman to sort it.

If its a guys porn habit ............its down to the woman to sort it. Unbelievable..........oh wait i can believe it actually.

Why the fuck should she walk on eggshells when he prefers knocking one out to porn on a screen when hes got a real live woman there. he gets aggressive with his partner and you are asking if HE feels safe.

Jesus wept.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2015 18:04

Nothing surprises me when I see how far some women will go to appease men. And to try and guilt other women into doing it too.

HelenaDove · 10/09/2015 18:13

Its just so bloody depressing AF

guineapigpie · 10/09/2015 18:16

Oh, fgs. Man or woman it's pathetic and childish to behave as badly as the person you want a sensible conversation with. But go ahead and wreck all friendships you have in your lives if you want. I would treat a man and woman the same way if they had reacted aggressively to something I'd asked them if I was a friend of theirs, or a sexual partner. You clearly favour just giving up because they've been nasty to you once because they were being scared and pathetic.

guineapigpie · 10/09/2015 18:18

Or sulking for years. If I'm the one that wants a resolution sooner rather than later, then I make the moves. I would rather be the one making the moves, even if that does poke the recalcitrant idiot into leaving, than to sit around waiting for him to get over himself.

guineapigpie · 10/09/2015 18:21

But hey - advise her to wait for him to do something if you want, because it's "his turn." She'll be waiting a long time and he'll take it as a sign he can put off talking about it again.

TendonQueen · 10/09/2015 18:43

Don't think anyone was suggesting she sits in silence and waits patiently for him to mention it again. It seems pretty clear to anyone, whether you sympathise with him or not, that hell will freeze over before he brings it up of his own volition.

thehypocritesoaf · 10/09/2015 18:51

Guinea, half of your advice is things he has got to do - don't you get it? He doesn't want to do anything.

As for, he has a porn habit - at least 'that proves he's interested in sex'? What the hell? What part of the op are you not getting? He doesn't want to shag his wife. When she questions him he tells her to fuck off.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2015 18:52

That's just the point

She doesn't need to sit around waiting for him to do anything at all

She can leave if she wishes. She has good reason to. It's not up her to alter her own behaviour in an effort to tease out of him why he doesn't want to shag her

How bloody demeaning is that.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2015 18:53

It proves he is interested in sex, though!

The silver lining!

Dear God...

AnyFucker · 10/09/2015 18:56

Porn does not equal sex

An interest in porn denotes an interest in porn. ... no more than that

People who equate porn with sex are never going to give good advice on problematic relationships, IMO

thehypocritesoaf · 10/09/2015 18:57

As for the idea that a wife should tiptoe around her husband perhaps learning to take comfort in non sexual physical contact while her husband jacks off all night to women in the sex industry- I mean, really? You really think that's a way for a young wan to live?

thehypocritesoaf · 10/09/2015 18:58

Wan = woman, but also applies to obi wan kenobi, of course.

guineapigpie · 10/09/2015 19:20

I think it's up to the OP how she lives. She wants to know if he still loves her - if he ever did; why he can't have sex with her; whether he is going to give her physical affection. She has made it clear she doesn't at this point want to leave him. She therefore has to talk to him and try more than once to get him to talk to her, if she is going to get any answers. She clearly doesn't want to just give up on him. On that basis, if she wants any information out of him, she has to show him some empathy. You clearly have no empathy whatsoever for him, so aren't the best people to advise on anything other than leaving him. If she can't summon up any empathy for him, then she is better off leaving him. As for any of this being demeaning - it's just as demeaning for him, that he can't get it up for his partner and is too much of a wimp to tell her why or leave.

As for how a young woman should live: I would accept a period of non-sexual physical contact with a partner if I understood the reasons why. Why do you have such a problem with the concept? For men with erectile dysfunction it is precisely the advice they would get from their doctor: not to put pressure on themselves to perform and to start out just getting close to their partner without thinking that all intimacy has to lead to sex, because the performance anxiety created by feeling you have to continue to the point of penetration will just exacerbate the problem. If you have a psychological problem with the actual sex act, it is NOT something that can be cured overnight.

HelenaDove · 10/09/2015 19:31

If SHE cant summon up any empathy for HIM. Seriously?

guineapigpie · 10/09/2015 19:33

Yes. Seriously. You sound very self centred. A bit like him. Someone's got to be the grown up.

HelenaDove · 10/09/2015 19:38

Yes im SOOOOO self centred guinea In fact im so self centred that i care for my disabled husband and he and i havent had sex for many years. Calling people self centred on an internet forum when you know nothing about them is a bloody nasty thing to do.

The OPs partner prefers the porn He has quite possibly got used to the death grip which cannot be replicated in MUTUALLY enjoyable sex.

HelenaDove · 10/09/2015 19:39

Like AF said an interest in porn is an interest in porn.....nothing more.

Original poster
LunchpackOfNotreDame · 10/09/2015 19:40

Thank you all for your advice and input.

I'm going to ask for this thread to be pulled.

Sad
OP posts:
guineapigpie · 10/09/2015 19:41

Advising people to leave their OH on an internet forum when they know nothing about them is bloody nasty, too. Yet it happens all the time on mumsnet. And I did NOT say you were self centred, I said you SOUND very self-centred, because that is the way you come across.

HelenaDove · 10/09/2015 19:41

"Someones got to be the grown up"

Only if you have a vagina though Hmm

AnyFucker · 10/09/2015 19:41

and someone has to be the child ?

I only want to be married to another grown up. I gave birth to my children, I wouldn't expect to have to toddler-wrangle my husband too.

HelenaDove · 10/09/2015 19:42

Im sorry Lunchpack Hope you are OK