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Relationships

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Original poster

Decided to bring up with DH about how our sexless marriage is making me feel

134 replies

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 08/09/2015 18:24

I brought it up in at a neutral time in a calm manner. Said how I'm feeling (upset and rejected and that I place a lot of emotional value on it so to me constantly being turned down and told no says to me he doesn't want to be with me)

He exploded. His reaction was to instantly tell me our marriage was over if I can't manage with it as is and that he isn't going to change.

I feel sick. I love him a lot and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. But on the other hand I can't live my life without Sex and without physical affection. I don't know what to do.

We have talked and haven't split up. He's just hot headed. But how do we move on from here?

OP posts:

TheDowagerCuntess · 09/09/2015 09:34

The OP is not going to 'throw away her marriage and go through the pain of divorce' because a couple of randoms on Mumsnet told her to.

On the other hand, it's actually OK for us to espouse LTB as an option. Because it is an option. And often an incredibly enlightening one for the women who do risk it.

Don't worry, though - the overwhelming message from society is the one you agree with - stay and work at it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2015 09:35

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works. Too many people as well get tied up in the "sunken costs" fallacy that is common to relationships, this just further causes people to make poor relationship decisions. What is forgotten here is that the damage has already been done.

In the OPs case his response was to simply go mad at his wife and tell her that the marriage was over if she could not manage with it. Such people as well do not change, he is making his position really clear here. He could not give a fig about her feelings. He is indeed acting like this for his own reasons, power and control also comes into this as well.

TheDowagerCuntess · 09/09/2015 09:37

And I say this as someone in a happy marriage with a nice man, who says if you don't have that, then don't settle for anything less.

thehypocritesoaf · 09/09/2015 10:24

its to do with two people who are supposed to be spending their lives together working through something that is very difficult for both of them.

When one person plucks up the courage to talk to the other, he explodes and suggests a divorce. Doesn't appear to be a great deal of working through there, does there? What do you propose she does now - now that she is not allowed to mention it again?

AbeSaidYes · 09/09/2015 10:27

"We have talked and haven't split up."

what was the outcome of that talk?

Patchworkpatty · 09/09/2015 10:29

OP, can I ask, how are you defining 'sexless' ? Do you mean absolutely no sex , if so when was the last time. ? Do you get hugs and affection still or has that also shut down . ? Is it possible he is suffering from ed, and is too embarrassed to talk about it, so goes on the attack as best form of defence ? Has he had any major stresses in his life to affect libido. ? Have you changed dramatically in a physical sense ? We had a period of 2 yrs without sex when I gained 4 stone , he didn't find me physically attractive at that weight (I didn't find me physically attractive either ) so sex just kind of stopped. You do have to actually fancy each other. (We still had a lot of affection and kisses just not sex as he couldn't maintain an erection with someone he didn't fancy.) If you look at all these possible reasons and get no answers, I would have a long think about wether this is a deal breaker , then I would write him an old fashioned letter, e explaining how you feel, leave him to read it on his own so that he has no one to row with and more able to take in the importance of the issue. This way is a lot easier with difficult subjects that one party finds difficult/embarrassing to discuss.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2015 11:06

Op can't fix this on her own and it appears her husband is opting out and making it her problem to own

I fully believe she has tried "talking" to him many times. Most people do before they get to the low point of sharing their dysfunctional relationships with random on t'internet

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 11:29

The OP did not remotely make it sound as though she had tried talking to him many times. I got the impression the subject has been the "elephant in the room" for quite some time, but this was the first time she had ever expressed it out loud to him. If he's been terrified she'll raise the subject for ages and is terrified of talking about it, then of course his first reaction will be to explode. To conclude from that anything other than that her dh knows this is a massive issue to both of them and that he is terrified of talking about it is ridiculous. It's also ridiculous to conclude that one histrionic reaction a selfish bastard makes. It's actually.... a bit of a histrionic response...

thehypocritesoaf · 09/09/2015 11:43

The Op is constantly being turned down and told No.

When she asks him in a neutral situation, ie, out the bedroom, he explodes at her.

Do you have any actual reason/evidence to believe that the DH really wants to communicate and change things for the better or are you just making things up?

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 11:49

Do you have any actual reason/evidence to believe that the DH is anything other than shit scared of talking about it? His reaction indicates to me that the sexless nature of their marriage is most definitely a problem for him as well as her. He would hardly have exploded, otherwise, would he?

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 11:50

Frankly, the OP has not given enough information for anyone to tell her one way or the other whether this is something that can be sorted out.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/09/2015 11:50

I don't see how the wife in this instance can do anything.

If her husband is saying he is fine and things will remain as they are. I'd say OP has the choice of either staying and putting up with things as they are her husband will not suddenly want to have sex or be physically affectionate OP has said
"I can't live my life without Sex and without physical affection..."

Going by which it seems the husband is not physically affectionate either apart from not wanting sex.

Or the OP leaves.

OP cannot 'change' her husband, he needs to work on this himself it is his personal problem, whether it be from ED or just a very low/non existent sex drive, I can't see anything the OP could do to help/make it better or whatever.

Why is it always down to the woman to seek help for her partner, he doesn't want her help, and as a grown man she cannot drag him to the GP, what's the point of her having therapy, she wants sex that is normal and healthy surely, it's his problem he clearly doesn't feel it is a problem and doesn't want to seek help/rectify it.

So OP either puts up or leaves. I don't see any other option.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 11:57

OP either puts up; leaves; or tries to raise the issue again, in the hope that the reaction won't be as panicked, next time. OP also thinks long and hard about what it is that she DOES like about her dh, other than the fact that she is used to living with him and is scared of the alternatives. He must have been physically close to her at some point, surely?

thehypocritesoaf · 09/09/2015 12:14

Ah ok, so they carrying on having no sex, and then in a few months time, when the op feels she can't stand it any longer, she can ask him about it again, in the hope that the reaction won't be as panicked.

I see. And then she could do that in another couple of years as well maybe.

thehypocritesoaf · 09/09/2015 12:16

His reaction indicates to me that the sexless nature of their marriage is most definitely a problem for him as well as her. He would hardly have exploded, otherwise, would he?

No, actually. His reaction says very clearly: I don't care about your needs, I don't want to change.

A man who is having a problem but loves his wife would have reacted very very differently.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 12:33

It depends on the man. Not every human being reacts in the same way in every situation, whether in love or not. Life is not that black and white - that's precisely why the dh's initial reaction was so unreasonable and histrionic, because he gave a black-and-white knee jerk response. To have a strop and be just as histrionic, agreeing that everything is over and that nobody who loved you could ever have said such a thing to you, then storming out, or thinking that the only alternative is to pretend the whole subject was never raised, seems pretty hypocritical to me, as it is just as black and white and pathetic a reaction.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 12:36

And why on earth would you wait for a few months before you raised it again? Or a few years???? That's just silly.

thehypocritesoaf · 09/09/2015 12:38

Oh, ok, so you recommend she tries to have the conversation again, - maybe tonight - and you feel that this time he will react very differently and he will want to work with her to find a solution.

Yup. I'm sure he will.

RandomSocks · 09/09/2015 12:39

Can you get some counselling for yourself? It might help you to become strong enough to come to terms with what the first few posters (and others) have observed.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 12:42

You know nothing about the man or woman concerned, thehypocritesoaf, so don't pretend you do. You know nothing about the length of the marriage, nothing about why she still thinks she loves him, nothing about whether he does show any other forms of love to her, nothing about what makes either of them tick, nothing about any other problems they've ever had in their marriage and if/how they were resolved. Don't go telling people there is no point in talking to each other when you know pretty much nothing about them.

duckyneedsaclean · 09/09/2015 12:49

Sex is a complicated thing isn't it.

I didn't want to have sex with my DH for a few months after ds2 was born - if he'd told me he couldn't live without sex I might have said 'tough luck mate'.

Why doesn't he want to have sex? Is it a physical issue? A lot of men find it nearly impossible to seek help for impotence. I'm not saying that's right - it's just a fact. How old is he? If 50+ it might be worth having a prostate check. Although how you get him to do that I don't know. Other issues might be arterial stenosis, high bp.

thehypocritesoaf · 09/09/2015 12:51

She's upset at living in a sex-less marriage and he's shouted at her that if she can't handle it any longer then she should just fuck off.

I have a pretty good idea about what kind of man he is actually.

OP, I hope he is prepared to work at this with you. It doesn't look like he is, but hey.

MajesticWhine · 09/09/2015 12:55

The anger he expressed comes from fear and inadequacy as well as trying to shut off the discussion. But he can't keep on blowing up like that and just hope the problem goes away. When he has calmed down and the hot-headed response has finished, what does he say then? You said you had talked, so did it get into more of a discussion? Couples therapy would be a safe place to talk about this, and the obvious next step.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 13:00

hypocritesoaf - the only thing you have a clear idea about is what kind of man you think he is. You can't judge a human being's character on the basis of a paragraph written on an anonymous forum about them by someone else.

thehypocritesoaf · 09/09/2015 13:08

You reach your conclusions, I'll reach mine.

I also hope he is making moves to explain what's happening and supporting his wife.

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