Decided to bring up with DH about how our sexless marriage is making me feel

[LunchpackOfNotreDame]

I brought it up in at a neutral time in a calm manner. Said how I'm feeling (upset and rejected and that I place a lot of emotional value on it so to me constantly being turned down and told no says to me he doesn't want to be with me)

He exploded. His reaction was to instantly tell me our marriage was over if I can't manage with it as is and that he isn't going to change.

I feel sick. I love him a lot and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. But on the other hand I can't live my life without Sex and without physical affection. I don't know what to do.

We have talked and haven't split up. He's just hot headed. But how do we move on from here?

Agree with ouryve but would also add something else.

Not having sex or very little is one thing.
Having no physical affection at all between you is another.
IME, I can live wo sex but I can't live wo physical affection (ie all these loittle things that connect you together such as holding hands, a quich kiss, a hand around you waist etc etc).

Which then brings another question. Why is there no physical affection between you?

It's enlightening to compare the responses on this thread with the responses on the couple of threads recently where it was the other way round (the OP not wanting sex with her DH, when he did)...

Dadonice that is a very valid point. I was just thinking the exact same thing. The thread would have been almost full with the poster being told he needs to do more housework and leave dw be until she feels up for it...don't pressure her etc etc .. personally I feel it's not ok for either partner to unilaterally 'opt' out of sex with no discussion. Those who do, tend to find themselves left or even worse, cheated on.

Yes. I don't think the responses on here are necessarily wrong. They're mostly quite helpful. But in cases where the man is unhappy with the sexless situation, the responses usually concentrate on ways to tell him he has to put up with the situation and "sort himself out", etc.

Whereas this way round, the replies are more about conciliation, talking, compromise, saving the marriage, communication, finding out what the problem is, etc. Not saying everyone is flocking to the OP's side, but the overwhelming tone of the replies seems more constructive than in other similar threads.

It's true, threads on this topic do tend to get a different response depending on the gender of the not-interested partner.

Surely it just depends on who is posting on the threads, DadOnIce? I don't think my opinion or advice would change if it were the other way around and the woman was the one refusing sex or physical affection and refusing to talk about it.

DadOnIce, if the genders were switched and long term (away from hormonal upheavals around pregnancy, breastfeeding, menopause etc) a woman was imposing a non existent sex life on her male partner and refusing to discuss it my advice would be the same

Decide if this is something you can live with. If not, exit your marriage as amicably as you can and move on.

Well I know my opinion is the same male or female.

Refusing to have sex with a partner over a long period may be fair enough- refusing to give any reasons, to discuss it, to improve it, indeed to explode when your partner plucks up the courage to talk about it, is seriously shit.

No matter what some posters like to bleat on about, this is an issue where gender matters. We live in a world which has, for thousands of years, not only insisted that men want sex and women 'allow' them to have it rather than women having any sexual desires of their own, but our culture is also based on the concept that women are owned by men and exist for men's benefit. So when a man is unhappy and believes his needs are not being met in his marriage, most of the rest of the world will insist that it's the woman's fault, she is failing in her duties, and that he pretty much has a right to do whatever he wants to her, whereas if the woman is unhappy, she is likely to be told to make more of an effort to please and placate the man (lose weight, buy new clothes, don't disagree, stroke his ego, be obedient). On MN, understandably (and quite rightly) this position is often reversed. It is understandable for a woman to lose all sexual interest in a man who behaves as though sex is another obligation she must fulfill for his benefit ie she must service him sexually as well as domestically, because He Is The Man. Women who post on here about their male partners refusing sex will generally have already tried being nice, dressing up, offering to change etc. A man who doesn't want sex with his partner is usually content with the status quo - the needs he has (for domestic service/childcare/the public image of a happily married man) are being met and her needs are unimportant to him.

DadonIce I think the reason is that one reasons why people can go off sex is because of tiredness.

When children are little and usually the woman ends up doing it all, they end up exhausted and therefore not keen on having sex. Hence the 'what about doing more HW' that can make sense in that situation.
If the woman had been blowing up like the OP's DH, I suspect that the answers would be very similar than the ones on this thread.
If the OP's comes back with some explaination to him not wanting sex, one of the reasons being that he is too tired, then conciliation, talking and compromise should be on the agenda.

Saying, if there is no sex, then just end up the relationship is imo very short sighted as there are plenty of reasons for that to happen. Wo a sense of that, how on earth can you go forward and take the right decision?
Similarly though, if the partner who isn't keen on sex is refusing to acknowledge the problem or to do anything about it, then the rigth decision might actually to leave the relationship.
But it would be a shame to take a decision so quickly just to regret it afterwards because actually you've realised x, y and z and that actually you could have done something about it.

What can you possibly do about it if one person says-' like it or lump it, I'm not changing'?

Well said, Solid.

The idea that you can "reverse the genders" meaningfully in such a gendered issue as sex is ridiculous.

That said, I would advise anyone to leave a sexless marriage if they wanted a sex life.

Sexless means no sex at all for years on end. Not "my still-healing post childbirth wife won't give me blowjobs to replace the sex I've lost access to now she has stitches where I usually stick it."

Dad - you're being disingenuous if you think the reasons men and women go off sex are the same.

Hence, the responses to it won't be the same either.

Bottom line:

• No-one deserves sex
• No-one should be coerced into sex
• Living in a sexless relationship when you want sex can be untenable
• if the couple can't communicate on the issue, it won't get resolved
• If the problem can't be resolved, the solution is almost certainly for the couple to go their separate ways.

It is indeed more helpful if we can, as some posters have, talk about the reasons why people "go off" sex (or are temporarily finding it difficult).

Funkster, I made the general point without specifying any direct reference to the time involved since it last happened or anyone's personal circumstances. It's a little unfair to throw that dramatic shade on my post as if I'd said what you say there.

What is not helpful is pointing out what different people might reply if someone else posted about a different situation.

Well, I actually agree with your earlier post SGB (despite the "bleating" jibe) where you say "Someone who refuses to have sex with a partner and refuses to discuss any kind of compromise has forfeited the right to insist on monogamy." The very idea of discussing compromise often seems to be an "elephant in the room" suggestion.

The suggestions further up about erectile dysfunction or depression, or even the two of them together, would seem reasonable too. It shouldn't be controversial to at least raise the suggestion that someone who's off sex for a long time could have a medical issue behind it.

Bottom line is, you can choose celibacy for yourself, but you can't choose it for someone else.

God, I wish I hadn't started this thread. It's descended into chaos

The crux of it is DH and I have suffered several miscarriages the last of which was 18 months ago. He's never really been bothered by Sex, and has some ED issues in terms of he struggles to ejaculate. Added to that I have significant disabilities.

All of this combined you'd think we'd talk about one or all of these issues but we don't and it has become an elephant in the room. I've staved off discussing it because I know he'll feel it's his fault (which as times gone on yes I do see it as his fault with reluctance to discuss or address any of these issues) and will have the reaction he did.

It now all feels like it's my fault for wanting a Sex life and I am now wondering if he married me because he felt my disabilities would give him the excuse to not have to bother with Sex. It's probably nothing if the sort but his reluctance to discuss it does make me wonder.

We did speak about things, briefly. And he said he'll try and make an effort to talk more about it but he needs to get his head round things before we tackle the kind of conversation this issue requires. I guess I need to respect that need before raising it again. But I can't leave it too long or I will implode.

. I'm sorry about that, Lunchpack. You did the right thing to raise it, however difficult. Do you think he could be a bit depressed? It does sound a bit as though you are both feeling rather isolated and miserable, self-blaming and uncertain of how to reach out to each other to show that you do care for and love each other. Could you not at least hug each other, or hold hands or do something physical to show you care for each other in the meantime? Maybe take the pressure off him and make it clear that when you are doing that, it doesn't mean it has to lead to sex, it's just a way of showing love and affection? So long as you know sex isn't off the agenda forever, and he knows it isn't compulsory when he's not feeling capable?

DadonIce when a woman posts about being in this situation ppl always bring up weight or appearance.

As evidenced on this thread.

So men get asked about housework and women get asked about their weight. Its not as if expectations arent placed on women.

Sorry, what I meant yesterday by trying therapy was couple counselling or something. Not that the OP needs any therapy. Sorry!!!

Sorry to hear that Lunchpack. I posted before reading all of page 4

Well I did something I'm not proud of. Dh left his phone in the bathroom this morning and, as it's normally under close guard, I had a nose. Not to see if he's cheating, I very much doubt he's doing that, but to check his browsing history.

Seems he has a port habit he's not told me about. I don't know what's worse, the fact it's porn or the fact the women in his chosen videos all look the polar opposite of me (they're all short petite slim brunettes) which has made me now wonder if he doesn't actually fancy me at all.

Serves me right for snooping I suppose

Where on earth do we go from here?

Commiserations OP. I've been there too, only I didn't find it, he fessed up.

I am petite and blonde so honestly, don't worry, that is completely irrelevant. It's more to do with the fact they want selfish sex instead of giving sex. It's easier. It's not an excuse, but it's also addictive.

If you ever stand a chance for a sexual relationship the porn has to go completely or it's like drink to an alcoholic. But of course that has to be his choice not yours.

Perhaps that would explain his anger; he felt guilty and didn't want to be exposed.

My DH gave it up but I didn't fully relax in the relationship after that because he's also considered leaving me for someone else. He chose me but I didn't trust after that. So I'm fraud I haven't got a success story, but I've heard other people (usual men) who report they've given up porn and been glad they did. So it must be possible. IF he wants to.

Fraud was meant to read afraid!