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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Decided to bring up with DH about how our sexless marriage is making me feel

134 replies

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 08/09/2015 18:24

I brought it up in at a neutral time in a calm manner. Said how I'm feeling (upset and rejected and that I place a lot of emotional value on it so to me constantly being turned down and told no says to me he doesn't want to be with me)

He exploded. His reaction was to instantly tell me our marriage was over if I can't manage with it as is and that he isn't going to change.

I feel sick. I love him a lot and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. But on the other hand I can't live my life without Sex and without physical affection. I don't know what to do.

We have talked and haven't split up. He's just hot headed. But how do we move on from here?

OP posts:
guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 13:21

But I haven't reached a conclusion - there isn't enough information to do that...

thehypocritesoaf · 09/09/2015 13:25

I got the impression the subject has been the "elephant in the room" for quite some time, but this was the first time she had ever expressed it out loud to him. If he's been terrified she'll raise the subject for ages and is terrified of talking about it, then of course his first reaction will be to explode.

Sounds like there's something he really doesn't want to have to admit to, there.

Ok, that's you NOT giving your opinion on the basis of a paragraph on an anonymous forum.

HelenaDove · 09/09/2015 13:28

As a woman who has lost ten stone i can tell you Patty its nothing to do with weight. And if a man is like that fault will be found with something else about the womans appearance after the weight loss.

Didnt take long for it to be blamed on a womans appearance this time. By page 2 Hmm

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 13:28

I see no conclusions being drawn there... But yes, I have an opinion that there is something more to his reaction than him suddenly revealing himself to be a misogynistic bully who doesn't care about his wife at all...

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 13:31

If my dh put on 10 stone, I think I would go off sex. I wouldn't stop loving him, though.

thehypocritesoaf · 09/09/2015 13:35

I didn't say he suddenly revealed himself to be a misogynistic bully and I don't see others saying that either.

Ho hum.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 13:40

No, you just see him as someone not worth talking to.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 13:40

After all, he's had his chance and blown it, hasn't he?

Ho hum.

HelenaDove · 09/09/2015 13:43

giunea you do realise it can happen the other way around You do realise that comfort eating can happen AFTER the rejection.

HelenaDove · 09/09/2015 13:44

I did lose all that weight.

RedYellaGreen · 09/09/2015 13:47

Where did the OP go? She posted yesterday teatime and hasn't been back since.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 13:54

HelenaDove - yes, of course rejection can happen before or after comfort eating. It's a real shame your partner made you feel bad about yourself and didn't support you when you were gaining or losing the weight. Clearly he didn't love you as much as he should have done and did huge damage to your self esteem. I don't see what that has to do with the undeniable fact, though, that having sex with a 22 stone man is not the same thing as having sex with an 11 stone man, regardless of how much you love him.

HelenaDove · 09/09/2015 14:11

He was very supportive when i was losing the weight and looked after me when i got gallstones as a result. He hasnt damaged my self esteem. It used to bother me having no sex life Now it no longer does. i did regain 4 of the 10 stone i lost and its taken me 2 years to lose that 4 stone regain. I did go on the Mini Pill last year which caused me to start gaining despite sticking to Slimming World. So i just stopped taking it. You can do that when you are not having sex. But it did make me think. Really think, Pregnancy = weight gain And ive never wanted DC anyway. Hormonal contraception = weight gain EVEN WHEN STICKING TO A DIET. So i am never putting that muck in my system again. Losing that 4 stone regain has taken me longer than it did to lose 10 Losing that 4 stone regain has taken two years of hard work and expense. So not having sex is absolutely fine by me.

I will NOT risk losing what ive worked for weight loss wise. DH is 23 years my senior and has health problems now unfortunately.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 14:20

I'm sorry I assumed he hadn't been supportive, then, Helena. I'm not sure why you asked me if I knew that someone can comfort eat because they've been rejected, though??? I'm not sure I understand what you mean by rejection, either? Refusing to have sex? Refusing to pretend you want to have sex? Refusing to do something you don't really want to do? Actually stopping loving someone? Not trying to make your partner happy?

HelenaDove · 09/09/2015 14:24

guinea its very complex It was a combination of things Most people dont get it So dont worry. You are not alone.

HelenaDove · 09/09/2015 14:26

I dont wish to discuss it further especially as its not my thread.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 14:27

Well, of course I'm not alone. If people don't explain how and why they feel the way they do and why they react to it in the way they do, they aren't going to find it easy to be understood by others. They will, instead, be the victim of assumptions and false conclusions...

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 14:28

Sorry, Helena - you don't have to go into it, if you don't want to.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 14:30

Sorry for being a dog with a bone! And Flowers.

HelenaDove · 09/09/2015 14:32

Thats ok guinea No worries Smile

DontHaveAUsername · 09/09/2015 14:56

Sorry but I think the marriage is over. You have irreconcilable differences and clearly just aren't meant for each other.

Original poster
LunchpackOfNotreDame · 09/09/2015 15:04

I am here, sorry, I had to go to work etc

I'm now going to have a read of the thread but thank you for taking the time to reply

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 09/09/2015 15:13

OP you don't have to apologise for not being here sooner. I do dislike the assumption now that if an OP isn't on a thread answering further questions every half hour then people have the right to ask where she is and get all huffy. It's also a no win situation because if people post 'too much' in a crisis they can be called a troll. People are allowed to have a life.

ouryve · 09/09/2015 15:21

I think how you proceed from now on needs to depend on his actions from now on. You've tried to discuss it, he's had his blow up which could just as easily come from a place of fear as not giving a shit about you. The difference will be in whether he can acknowledge that he's sorry that it's so upsetting for you, but he just has no desire for sex/ struggles with his performance etc etc or whether he continues to refuse to acknowledge that it matters to him that it matters to you, or, even worse blames you.

guineapigpie · 09/09/2015 16:44

I agree, ouryve. OP - you have done the right thing in raising the subject, as he should care about how it is making you feel. Your dh reacted badly. Given the subject matter, I think there are many reasons why he could have reacted badly to this initially without this meaning there is no hope for your marriage. However, he cannot bury his head in the sand over this one and just refuse to talk to you. He at least owes it to you to try and explain why he can't or won't change, or why he thinks he can't or won't change.

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