Oversensitive me or mean him?

[Frecklesandspecs]

I'm confused about my h's behaviour. Have been for long time.
I wanted to make it brief and give a few examples.
We talked night before last and it's my fault for 'not giving a toss about the house which makes him angry and that I don't get his sense of humour. 3 young children, I hardly sit down and do clean up after them all day but sometimes things get left out)

Silent treatment - can go on for hours. Or even a day or more, without me having a clue what's wrong. Often find him sitting with his head in his hands.

I tidied up the back garden and mowed the lawn as it desperately needed doing - he says ' Wish you'd left it to me'

Did front garden as weeds growing all over and he doesn't have time atm - he says ' Ooh I liked it before when it was overgrown, it looked authentic!

"why are you dying your hair?'

" I don't like long hair' ( trying to grow mine)

" Why do you like watching people suffer?" ( I was watching a documentary) sarcastically

"I've had mince two nights in a row, sick of it, nasty face (Shepherds pie and chilli)

"you'd make me bankrupt" ( conversation about bank account. I actually hardly ever buy anything for myself)

These are just tiny bits of things I get everyday but I'm supposed to not take it so seriously! I feel like it's co nstantly chipping away at me.

Many of the things are about how I dress the kids, what shoes or nappies I buy etc (he never changes nappies btw and rarely does much with them)
I know these might seem like innocent comments but they are dressed in sarcasm or a face.

I've tried my up most to keep the house clean, in fact I start getting nervous before he comes home in case he finds something.

Do I keep trying? What do I have to work on here?

If you started to get nervous before he gets home it means you are walking on eggshells. Sorry, but it doesn't look great.
Him complaining about minced meat shows how spoiled he is and he doesn't appreciate anything.
You are growing your hair not him, same as colouring it.

Be glad he doesn't do nappies otherwise you would be told off in that as well.

He is a control freak.

You are not being unreasonable here, and you are a normal human being with emotions. And you are not overly sensitive.

I'm so sorry you are living this...

Try to do what?. Resolve things, he is not interested in your point of view and it takes two to do that. The only person that matters to your H is him; you and your children do not matter, they are but of secondary importance to getting his needs met. Silent treatment is about having power and control over the other person, that is emotional abuse.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours is he at all meeting here?.

This is no example of a marriage to show your children, they after all learn about relationships from the two of you. Is this what you want to show them.

A chat to Womens Aid could well help you, their number is 0808 2000 247.

Has this been continuous since you've had DC? I think you need to talk to him directly about his behaviour & how it makes you feel & think about how much longer you would give him to change, this doesn't sound loving and happy. I think in your shoes you need to work on the non-DH parts of your life, finding work or re-training that could work around the DC (in a few years if they're not school age yet), friends & other family.

What are you getting out of your marriage? What are his good points and in what way do they compensate for his complete lack of respect for you?

Why are you still with him ? He sounds like a turd.

Stonewalling
Gaslighting
Water torture (drip drip)
All forms of abuse.
Please look them up on the internet.
This is a horrible way to live.
Do you want this for the next 30 years of your life?

I wouldn't be making him dinner and I certainly wouldn't be doing anything for him, i.e. washing, ironing, cleaning, tidying up.

The scales are falling from your eyes as you have had enough.
I'm not sure you've reached 'the straw' moment yet but you will quite soon.

As a PP says, contact Womens Aid, they can help you see this for what it is.

How much money do you get to spend on yourself per month?
How much does he spend on himself?
Do you get to go out, exercise classes, see friends, family, on your own?
Does he do hobbies on his own?
How often does he look after the DC on his own?

You don't need to work on anything, except leaving him. He's mean. And an arse.

And why the fuck doesn't he meal
Plan and cook if he doesn't want mince two days in a row. I'll bet that will be a culinary delight and a half.

I'll googled those things thank you. Very hard to think straight which is why I needed some input from outside, so thankyou. He's got a way of being nice 'just in time' every time which is so serving. Just when I start thinking I want out or I've had enough he's Mr nice again.
I don't do anything really outside of the family.

perhaps you should start ?

Yep - that's how they work.
It's the Jekyll and Hyde effect.
Dr Jekyll always comes out at just the right time.
They ALL do it.
They wouldn't hook you in or keep you if they were nasty and abusive all the time now would they?

I will anyfucker...after I've cooked tea for the kids.
Google is my friend

what do you like to do ?

I think I'm past talking now but does anyone think talking will resolve anything or does this behaviour just not change?
Sorry for scanty messages, cooking too

He is constantly chipping away at you in every single area from your hair to the garden. No wonder you feel confused - he's supposed to love you and he's treating you horribly.

He knows what he is doing and a PP is right. It's about him being more important than everyone else. As for the niceness that is interspersed with the arsiness, that is to keep you on this merry-go-round.

I'd recommend Lundy Bancroft's book 'Should I Stay or Should I Go?' It might help you to feel less confused and it will give you a framework for approaching these issues with your DH (if you want to approach them with him because you're not ready to leave but honestly if you have had enough then leave without reading the book!).

x-post so I just wanted to clarify, I'm not telling you to stay and read a book. I think you should leave.

His behaviour will only change if it stops working for him; if he decides he wants it to change and if he puts in a lot of work (preferably with a counsellor) to change his value system and habits so he can be a decent partner.

Leaving will not only give you space away from his draining influence but if he is someone who is capable of change then it will give him the boot up the backside to start making changes.

But even if he changes, you don't have to go back and you positively shouldn't unless you see real, sustainable change over a long period of time.

Also he might not be able to change and he might not want to change. Either way, you still don't have to put up with it.

Thank you a placeonthecouch. I seem to remember maybe having a book by Bancroft, not this one though. Maybe every one in this situation feels similar but it's like I'm exaggerating or maybe making things up or not wording it right ect. But I know I'm unhappy and yes, do walk on eggshells. Maybe I should stop rationalising and take heed of my feelings.
I feel guilty for thinking of leaving with the children.

You probably have 'why does he do that'

That is worth a read as well if you can find it.
You will feel guilty. You are a kind person who didn't get married to split up. But then you didn't realise you were signing up to live with an abusive arsehole.
So you need to do what is best.
You can try talking to him. It won't help.
Maybe print out some examples from google regarding abuse and what is relevant to him.
I really don't think it will get you anywhere but I don't think you are ready to give up yet.

There's an interesting line in one of the Lundy books where it says that generally they've found (during their years working with women in EA relationships and with men who abuse) that women in such relationships are always wondering if they're asking for too much but invariably they are asking for too little; and they should expect much better. So statistically, it's likely to be worse than you think it is

Yes Hells, that's the one I had. Mot sure where it is now but I'll get the other on kindle later and try and muddle through. I think I know what I 'should' be doing deep down. I've been thinking of making a list of all the little things I can remember and have just thrown off as nothing even when they hurt me. Like when I'd just given birth to our first daughter, Just was thinking, and we got to the ward and he said 'you still look pregnant!' No comfort or support, ever. When my dad died he put his arm round me for a few seconds then was moody the next day. Never any compliments or a hug (unless he wants sex) I've got to realise I don't deserve this however trivial it seems. I've lost my pride.

Thanks aplaceonthecouch, just bought on kindle and will start reading c

Update: said we were leaving, been tying to sort things out. First he said we could stay here, I said ok and he Would find somewhere else.
Now he's just said he thinks I should move out and leave the kids with him. He'll get a carer to look after them etc ect.....feeling awful.

Absolutely not to his crass suggestion of leaving the children with him.

If anyone should move out it is him and not you. How dare he suggest getting in a carer to look after his children.

If you have not already sought legal advice with regards to divorce I suggest you do so asap. You are now seeing the real him.

Attila, going to speak to solicitor tomorrow (haven't told him though) I'll see what they say. I hope it will clarify things.

Excellent, well done.