Oversensitive me or mean him?

[Frecklesandspecs]

I'm confused about my h's behaviour. Have been for long time.
I wanted to make it brief and give a few examples.
We talked night before last and it's my fault for 'not giving a toss about the house which makes him angry and that I don't get his sense of humour. 3 young children, I hardly sit down and do clean up after them all day but sometimes things get left out)

Silent treatment - can go on for hours. Or even a day or more, without me having a clue what's wrong. Often find him sitting with his head in his hands.

I tidied up the back garden and mowed the lawn as it desperately needed doing - he says ' Wish you'd left it to me'

Did front garden as weeds growing all over and he doesn't have time atm - he says ' Ooh I liked it before when it was overgrown, it looked authentic!

"why are you dying your hair?'

" I don't like long hair' ( trying to grow mine)

" Why do you like watching people suffer?" ( I was watching a documentary) sarcastically

"I've had mince two nights in a row, sick of it, nasty face (Shepherds pie and chilli)

"you'd make me bankrupt" ( conversation about bank account. I actually hardly ever buy anything for myself)

These are just tiny bits of things I get everyday but I'm supposed to not take it so seriously! I feel like it's co nstantly chipping away at me.

Many of the things are about how I dress the kids, what shoes or nappies I buy etc (he never changes nappies btw and rarely does much with them)
I know these might seem like innocent comments but they are dressed in sarcasm or a face.

I've tried my up most to keep the house clean, in fact I start getting nervous before he comes home in case he finds something.

Do I keep trying? What do I have to work on here?

If not working for money he'll be studying how to make more money!!

Mine also works in software/computer-y stuff.

He knows everything about interest rates and dodgy scams. Nothing about common decency or speaking to people with respect.

(Without wishing to derail things, I have a thread going too (perhaps you and I are also twins?!). It might just help you with the ups and downs of this process.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2381322-Finally-told-my-physically-emotionally-abusive-H-I-am-divorcing-him?msgid=56588936

Feel free to ignore it though don't feel like you have to read it.)

It is ALL about money and success to my H. That means nice house, flashy car, and looking good/successful to others, which means wife and children are also in the package. But we were just his property. We couldn't question things or expect to be part of any decision making process.

So now when he has offered me an insulting deal, he expects that I will just say thank you for the crumbs he is giving me.

Financially, you and I are bringing up their children and we need to get this right for their sakes.

Oh yes, I'd love to read it when I sit down later. Sounding so similar!!
We might be.
Or maybe your ex h is my (nearly ex h's)boss
Yes, we are, education etc also. It all can become very expensive with three.

Was your solicitor recommended by Women's Aid?

You are NOT naughty to be going through the paperwork! He's the bloody 'naughty' one here. get the bastard xx

No Springy, It was a solicitor who my mum knows (works in family law) and said I could phone her for advice any time. She will not take up my case though as she lives too far away.

I need to apply for some benefits as soon as I get somewhere. I know they'll take into consideration savings. How do I know what I have and how would I calculate it? I don't have anything in my pocket or bank account (quite literally!) We don't share accounts but he puts in 'home maintenance' money in each month. ( he's always called it that since getting married!)

OP, CAB might be able to help in more detail with benefits but I can tell you that Child tax credit and Child benefit are not means-tested (so your savings/property don't matter). Have a look on the www.entitledto.co.uk/ benefits calculator. Based on the info given in this post you'd probably get around £200 a week in CTC and Child benefit, plus child maintenance from your ex, of course. You can calculate what he should be paying here:
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Housing benefit would be iffy until the financial settlement has been reached, as it isn't paid if you have more than 16k in savings and/or property value.

If you have cheap childcare options available locally then it might be more beneficial for you to go back to work, especially if you were in a well-paying job.

How are you doing Freckles?

Thank you for asking namechanger, sorry haven't been on in a few days.
I'm going to look at your other thread and see how you are doing!

H is not speaking to me. Planning to move out at half term.

Start looking at Child Maintenance Payments ready for when you leave - I have only just called them today, 8 months after leaving him and not receiving a penny from him in voluntary contributions

Based on his income being at around £60K, I should be getting nearly £800/month in CMS payments for my children - yours will be similar. They have a Collect and Pay option which means they will deal with the payments for you.

You will need your basic details including NI number, and any financial info you can get from him - I have his P60 which has his NI number and his accountants contact details which they said will help if I ask them to investigate his earnings (as I believe he is earning more than that).

He sounds a like a boring fart and he does not deserve you.

Is it worth confronting him straight out when your 3 children are asleep to what is really bothering him? Just to see his reaction at least.

I don't want to worry you but do you think he could be seeing someone? I only ask as people who cheat come home full of guilt and in their screwed up heads actually take it on the innocent party.

You sound like a lovely caring mother and he sounds quite horrid.

Tell the solicitors as much as you can about him. Check what is in your bank account and his if possible. Soon as a divorce starts lawyers go back two years of bank statements and he sounds like he would hide money from you if a divorce starts.

Be brave in whatever you choose and be strong and make right decision for you and your 3 children. I think you are strong as you've put up with him so far.

meant to say take it out on the innocent party

Thanks name. I'm hoping he will just continue to pay what he does ATM into my acount for house stuff. It comes to about that. If he stop that I'll try what you said. He is on 65k with 25k bonus + pension ect. Not sure if that's relevant.
I need to stay here now until half term when I'll move to my mums. She's actually thinking of buying a place herself we can rent! Then if I ever get anything I can put some towards the house.
Thankyou pocket, have done that now. I think I'll just leave HB for now.
I'll look at going back to work asap.

Why do you have to move out o your house? and if you do get it secretly valued by 2 or 3 different estate agents. This is if you, he, both of you own the house. make a note of all assets and worth incl car. Make an expenditure list of your and children's needs and show this to a lawyer. It will all help you. I know a few female friends who had to go through divorces with men with same character traits as your H.

Oh namechanger, sure you've said before but how did he react in the beginning?
Mine's not speaking to me.

Makeup, first he offered to move out, then he hanged his mind and said I should move out and leave the kids with him. So I've closed that option. I'd also be wary of if he actually ever did move out anyway?
The other thing is I have no support here makeup. We moved for his work and we're a long way from anyone we know.
Only his name is on the mortgagee and deeds, so I don't think I'll be able to get it valued. I've made copies of the mortgagee agreement etc and details of house but had to do it quietly as he usually deals with it all himself.

Sorry for typos, cooking!

Freckles I moved out when he was abroad for work - my family came over and we did it over 2 days. He came back to an empty house. I took everything that I felt was mine, so I wouldn't have to come back later and pick up the girls bikes or PE kits or whatever. So glad I did this.

When he came back he was angry and we argued for a few weeks, followed by him telling me he had been thinking, praying, reading, everything really and realised the error of his ways, and how much he wants us to be together again.

Followed by 'so this was all due to a breakdown in communication really, you are quite strong and silent type' followed by 'well you always acted like you didn't care about me' and then straight back into the blame game.

I was totally gullible to it all and desperate to get back together, but glad I held firm.

So if he is suddenly nice and repentant then please be strong.

If you are planning to stay a while one thing that may really help is keeping a daily diary. Include all of his bad behaviours, even teeny tiny ones. When I wobble, I find this v helpful to look back on.

House stuff - speak to a solicitor and be clear on your legal rights if you move out - I am not sure on whether this affects any future claim or not? Or call Women's Aid/CAB and ask?

Law will see you as primary carer. You should stay in house with your kids as long as possible. If he earns more than you he will have to pay his and your legal fees together and keep a roof over your and his children's heads. He will also have to pay you interim maintenance during divorce.

Yes, he reacted like this when I first told him. All my fault!
I don't give a toss about the house, put kids in danger (referring to 3 yrs ago before my dads funeral when dd got hold of some ibroprufen! I'm too quiet etc,ect....
Every so often, get a wobbly like 'what the hell am I doing?' I should have tried harder, he's good in other ways ...
Diary very good idea.

I don't work ATM makeup. Stay at home with the three children as they are still young. If he contests the divorce though, how will he pay fees?
I have no idea yet how to fund it.

Sorry to revive the thread but want to update and squeeze some more advice out of you lovely people

Last time we talked about us separating 1/2 weeks ago.
H first said he'd move out and I could stay here with kids.
Then changed his mind and wanted ME to move out and leave kids here!! (he'd get a carer to look after them !)
Spoken to two solicitors now and both said basically with his hours at work (12+ a day) there was rally no way he'd get full custody.
I've not told him I've spoken to anyone.
We left that conversation with no conclusion.
We've not really spoken all week.
Tried to sit down tonight, he was on his laptop working. I got fed up of sitting in silence and came back upstairs.
I'm worried if we start a conversation again, he'll just convince me to stay or we'll get nowhere again and I don't know how or when to tell him.
I've stuck to my guns all week. Although we've not spoken, he's left chocolates out there for me and even flowers one night.

Ok so, I now have a place to go at the end of October near my family.
I've started buying stuff for it and trying to get into gear.
I'm adamant this time I'm going.

But, how do I tell him if we're not talking?

Why tell him now? If you do, he will have weeks to try and persuade you not to go and pretend that he isn't the man you're leaving to convince you that he is finally going to start treating you nicely. Bide your time, build your confidence, keep planning for your freedom and tell him in a couple more weeks when there is absolutely no turning back and you'll have had another couple of week of imagining yourself in your new life to convince you that you're doing the right thing.

You think DoJo?
Also the solicitor said I MUST register an interest in the property in case he sells it (not on deeds)
I don't really want to start with solicitor until I'm relocated as it's a 3 hr drive and feel I need someone closer to where I will be and talk to them face to face.