Oversensitive me or mean him?

[Frecklesandspecs]

I'm confused about my h's behaviour. Have been for long time.
I wanted to make it brief and give a few examples.
We talked night before last and it's my fault for 'not giving a toss about the house which makes him angry and that I don't get his sense of humour. 3 young children, I hardly sit down and do clean up after them all day but sometimes things get left out)

Silent treatment - can go on for hours. Or even a day or more, without me having a clue what's wrong. Often find him sitting with his head in his hands.

I tidied up the back garden and mowed the lawn as it desperately needed doing - he says ' Wish you'd left it to me'

Did front garden as weeds growing all over and he doesn't have time atm - he says ' Ooh I liked it before when it was overgrown, it looked authentic!

"why are you dying your hair?'

" I don't like long hair' ( trying to grow mine)

" Why do you like watching people suffer?" ( I was watching a documentary) sarcastically

"I've had mince two nights in a row, sick of it, nasty face (Shepherds pie and chilli)

"you'd make me bankrupt" ( conversation about bank account. I actually hardly ever buy anything for myself)

These are just tiny bits of things I get everyday but I'm supposed to not take it so seriously! I feel like it's co nstantly chipping away at me.

Many of the things are about how I dress the kids, what shoes or nappies I buy etc (he never changes nappies btw and rarely does much with them)
I know these might seem like innocent comments but they are dressed in sarcasm or a face.

I've tried my up most to keep the house clean, in fact I start getting nervous before he comes home in case he finds something.

Do I keep trying? What do I have to work on here?

Thank you Morganly. God this is not going to be easy. He made it sound so simple saying he'd move out at first then suddenly just told me this today. Arrrg!

He knows you won't leave without children, it is more manipulation.
It will feel crap, it will be hard, & there will be days when he begs for another chance & is grovelling. but don't give up... Have you seen a solicitor, have you rung WA ? pull in support from all & every RL source.
Is it rented? who's name is on the deeds/paperwork, have you got photocopies of all savings, bank statements, house docs, pension fund, gather all this stuff together & keep them with children birth certs in a safe place NOT IN YOUR HOME.
You are doing the right thing. tell him clearly that you will not be leaving without the children & no carer will be having your children whilst you are still breathing, he hasn't manned up to participating before, so too late to use them as a weapon now.
He is just a mortal, he is no better than you, you can speak to him exactly in the same way as any other bully.

Oh OP its a fairly common threat I think, I had it too. He's talking out his arse, don't be intimidated.

Mix, yes speaking tomorrow to solicitor. Next job is to get all that paperwork together.
We (he) bought house 4 yrs ago. This week I checked status and it's all in his name only. My name is not on deeds.

He said to me before... if I left then I was wasting the 'kids inheritance' (the house)

They all pull the "I will take the kids" thing, they dont mean it. A man who has never changed a nappy doesnt want 24/7 care of the children even with a nanny/childminder. Its another way of trying to exert control.

He knows you wont leave without the kids so he is trying to force you to stay to be with them. Its BS.

Do you own or rent your house? If you rent then I would suggest that you leaving with the kids would be the best option as he will have no control of you or your home. If you own then I would stay put until you have seen an solicitor and discussed an occupation order (a court order that gives you the right to remain and forces him to leave).

And do everything the mix56 says.

This week I checked status and it's all in his name only. My name is not on deeds.

Totally irrelevant. It is an asset of the marriage, so as much yours as his despite whos name the deeds are in. How long have you been married? How long had you been married when you bought the house?

He has no intention of having the children with him. How will he work full-time and pay for child-care at the same time?

He's an abusive arse, so leaving the children with him would be terribly damaging to them. You know this. He knows you won't leave without them. The suggestion is just another demonstration of his cruelty.

Your married though aren't you? So that shouldn't matter. If he is concerned about the DC's inheritance he can leave you and the DC living in the marital home can't he!

I guess I'm going to see the worst of it now! We've been married nearly 7 yrs and in this house about 3 yrs.
His first suggestion was that I stay while he moves out and still pays mortgage. What do you think? I think I'd still feel under his thumb wouldn't I even if for the kids?

He wont pay the mortgage, I would bet my ass he wont. And if he does then yes, he will use it as another way to manipulate you, threatening to not pay it and you not knowing if you are going to lose the house or not.

You can register and interest in the property on the land registry, that means he cant sell or remortgage without you knowing and agreeing, ask your solicitor about it but afaik, it is a quick and cheap way to protect your share of the property.

As you are not seeing a solicitor until tomorrow I suggest you spend a bit of time working out where you are financially.

Do you work? Could you cover the mortgage on your own?

Go to www.entitledto.co.uk and see what you would be able to claim in terms of tax credits, it may make a huge difference to your ability to stay in the house without his contribution.

He will have to pay maintenance for the kids, CMS has a calculator on their website and if he plays silly buggers, they can take it direct from his wages.

So you bought the house after being married several years? Then yes, it is entirely an asset of the marriage. If he had bought it before you married then it might be different but you are fully protected by your marriage.

Bogey, he has another house he rents out which was paid off before we were married but this one yes, we bought a few years ago.
I really don't think I'd be able to cover the mortgage on my own. I don't work (have 6,4 and nearly 2 y/o so been a bit difficult but intend to as soon as I can)
Anyway, I'd kind of said to myself that maybe this was best (rather than me moving away) when he pulled this one (wanting me to move out!) So guessing that's not on the cards anymore!

I do have some help from my mum available if I need it. (she could take out 6 months rent for me and pay up front if needed etc)

But I doubt I'd be able to afford to stay in London in thy case.

"His first suggestion was that I stay while he moves out and still pays mortgage. What do you think? I think I'd still feel under his thumb wouldn't I even if for the kids?"

Ignore all suggestions he makes; he is only thinking of his own self here and has done throughout your marriage most likely as well. You would still be under his thumb if this was enacted; also I would not trust him at all to make the mortgage payments.

Am glad to read that you are seeing a Solicitor tomorrow.

No to any mediation with him either due to his abuses of you. He is going to make any separation very difficult indeed and will likely be obstructive throughout. No man is above the law here however.

In the longer term I would suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme; men like he take an awful long time (perhaps years even) to recover from.

Really appreciating all your support ladies thank you.

This is great news, you have 2 homes, remember you are entitled to half.
He may have buy you out, or sell up & then you can buy yr own house, !!!
It may sound like you are being unfair, just remember that as soon as money gets involved he will fight dirty.. he will do what ever he can to trick & cheat.
You can count on it.

Ty Mix, Is it wise to divorce asap or leave it a bit?
I think I read some divorce solicitors will let you pay out of what you get at the end? Is this possible as couldn't afford otherwise. ATM as a SAHM, I literally have nothing apart from borrowing from my mum to rent somewhere.

Hi Freckle, your situation sounds so similar to mine, I wanted to say hello and offer any support I can.

I left my H in Jan this year, my DDs were then 6, 4 and 2. Found out my name was not on the joint account and H has been withholding my earnings. And I am also now trying to figure out how I will get enough settlement to be able to stay living in London. H also suggested I stay in the family home but then said he was coming back home to stay despite my protests. He know lives there alone and I share a bedroom with DDs in my parents house.

I totally understand the 'am I exaggerating/expecting too much' thoughts - they plague me still.

But thinks I have found useful:

• getting some cheap counselling at local women's support centre
• going on the Freedom Programme
• reading the Lundy book you have
• reading 'Should I stay or should I go' also by Lundy

Agree that he will fight dirty re finances, mine has already been trying this. Also as someone earlier said, they all say they will fight you for the children, and this is particularly terrifying. But after 6 months the effort of the children is becoming a bit of a chore for him and he is definitely backing off, so let that be a comfort if you are worried - more than likely his interest will fizzle out after time.

Personally I have taken my time to divorce as I didn't want to regret it or do it in anger or haste. I am only just starting proceedings in earnest now, as I feel more ready for this.

Well done for getting out.

Oh wow namechanger. Yes it does. Are you still in London?
My dad died a few years ago but mum is really the only support I have ATM and she is in the South West.
Are you finding it any easier being alone despite not having somewhere by yourself?
I'm worried also if I did stay here he'd never move out and then we'd just be at square one!
Are you managing to reveive tax credits or anything?
I'm in SE London, you are not bac are you?

I don't have anywhere to stay n London in the meantime, I thinking about moving nearer my mum but it's about 3 hours away and I guess he'd contest it or something.
I'd happily bring the kids up every other weekend if it means not living like this anymore but maybe that's too far?
Thanks so much.

Hi freckles

I'm in London now - we lived 2h away, but when I left him (after he was physically violent to me) I packed up and came to London to stay with my parents.

I spoke to solicitor and DCs school and best interest of the children was that they go into a new school asap. Good advice as it turns out, as it meant DC started settling here as soon as possible, this also makes it more difficult for H to demand we move closer to him.

Its both difficult and wonderful living with my parents - my mum is quite EA herself, but dad is lovely, and we have lots of supportive family living nearby. I think being closer to family has really saved me. If you are happy moving, then definitely worth considering.

I am finding it so much easier without him. It is most definetly a rough ride, I have lots of down days still but overall, so much easier. Realisation has come with things like going on a summer holiday and coping my myself, without someone there spoiling the mood, making sarcastic comments or telling me how rubbish/expensive/boring everything is.

And its physically easier to get up a bit earlier and get 3 DC ready for school/nursery by myself than doing it whilst watching H stay in bed for an extra half hour because he can;t be arsed to get up. You'd be surprised how capable you are, and how much your moody, dismissive H is bringing you down. I certainly was.

I'd happily bring the kids up every other weekend if it means not living like this anymore but maybe that's too far?

If he genuinely wants to see more of the kids and make the effort to maintain their relationship, he will also be making journeys up and down to see them.

My H is reluctant to do this, despite telling me I had destroyed him by taking the children and he couldn't live without them, would fight me for custody, etc. He was all about the children for the first few months and now 6 months down the line its already fizzling out to once every few weeks when he can be arsed.

Please do consider counselling, You sound like me when I left - I was so worried about him not seeing the kids, him being lonely etc, I was so conditioned into putting his needs first, and I still am very much inclined to do this. Counselling and MN advice is really helping me to learn to put mine and my childrens needs first and to not be responsible for his happiness. If he wants to see them he will also make the effort and you should not feel guilty if he doesn't.

Freedon Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php

I don't get tax credits as I am working, but H is not paying a penny towards the DC, despite earning £70K+

You can get your H to pay child maintenance - this should give you an idea of how much you are entitled to: www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/

Well done for getting out.

Sounds so similar! Even to the salary! I do feel all those emotions AND my mum is a little OTT too but hey, you work with what you have I guess!
Why don't you get maintenance? Will they sort that out for you during the process?
I have a feeling it might turn out this way too. He hardly spends any time with the kids, never dresses them, changes them or puts them to bed etc so only God knows how he will manage having them 24/7!
His work has always come first and he spends most of his free time working.
I guess they just use the children as a guilt trip to try to make us stay.

Sorry you has to deal with physical abuse. Luckily, I've not had this from him.

I can't tell you when you need to divorce. speak to your legal advisor & work out your plan. Just deciding is the key to making a start on your new freedom
The key is finance, so divorce would seem primordial.

Just to echo all the support the wise women have been giving you. The only thing I could add is, make sure your solicitor has experience of abusive divorces. I know lawyers have a bad rep, but most of them are just people, who assume we're all rational creatures. They may or may not be aware how abusive (including financial, going by your posts!) partners can derail the process, given half a chance. There's a specific set of skills/experience that, if a solicitor has them, s/he can meet or even anticipate the obstacles your STBX will try to throw.

You mentioned your mum could front you apx six months' rent. May I suggest you stay put (if this is what you want to do) and her money goes to your legal fees instead.