Oversensitive me or mean him?

[Frecklesandspecs]

I'm confused about my h's behaviour. Have been for long time.
I wanted to make it brief and give a few examples.
We talked night before last and it's my fault for 'not giving a toss about the house which makes him angry and that I don't get his sense of humour. 3 young children, I hardly sit down and do clean up after them all day but sometimes things get left out)

Silent treatment - can go on for hours. Or even a day or more, without me having a clue what's wrong. Often find him sitting with his head in his hands.

I tidied up the back garden and mowed the lawn as it desperately needed doing - he says ' Wish you'd left it to me'

Did front garden as weeds growing all over and he doesn't have time atm - he says ' Ooh I liked it before when it was overgrown, it looked authentic!

"why are you dying your hair?'

" I don't like long hair' ( trying to grow mine)

" Why do you like watching people suffer?" ( I was watching a documentary) sarcastically

"I've had mince two nights in a row, sick of it, nasty face (Shepherds pie and chilli)

"you'd make me bankrupt" ( conversation about bank account. I actually hardly ever buy anything for myself)

These are just tiny bits of things I get everyday but I'm supposed to not take it so seriously! I feel like it's co nstantly chipping away at me.

Many of the things are about how I dress the kids, what shoes or nappies I buy etc (he never changes nappies btw and rarely does much with them)
I know these might seem like innocent comments but they are dressed in sarcasm or a face.

I've tried my up most to keep the house clean, in fact I start getting nervous before he comes home in case he finds something.

Do I keep trying? What do I have to work on here?

Great advice on this thread.

Do the Freedom Programme asap. It will clear your head. Google it and click 'find a course' to find a course near you. Free childcare offered at most if that's a problem.

As Lundy says, you'll see in a flash you are far from oversensitive.

Tell him as little as possible. Burrow away on the quiet to get free. You 'should' have the family home to bring up the kids for the duration. He has another house he could live in. And anyway both properties belong to you both: marital assets (yay).

Good luck, be strong. Plenty of us have done it

Women's Aid will give you a list of solicitors who understand the abuse dynamic. Get WA onside 0808 2000 247 (lines busy during the day - sadly - but you could send an email with secure contact details if you can't call at night, 7pm-7am. Delete your history if he's tech savvy - or even if he's not. Women's Aid give instructions on their site how to do this).

You're in an abusive relationship, in short. I know, it's a shock - just bcs he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. It could be argued this decimation of mind and character is just as bad as being hit. You'll meet other (ordinary) women at the Freedom Programme in the same (shocked) position.

You'll meet other (ordinary) women at the Freedom Programme in the same (shocked) position.

This is so true. The stereotype of the abused women is just simply not true. I think it stops so many women from leaving abusive relationships.

The normality of the women I met on the FP really shocked me. They were all lovely women, confident and outspoken. But still being abused. And not really believing it themselves.

Why don't you get maintenance? Will they sort that out for you during the process?

Because I am too scared to instigate the process and risk upsetting him again. Sad but true.

The physical abuse is a bit of a red herring in my case - he hit me twice; once when pregnant and once in front of my DC (grabbing me by throat etc).

But really it was the constant criticism, twisting things, gas lighting and lies by omission that just killed me inside. I was just so beaten down my him psychologically.

Now every single time he texts me I send screen shots to my brother and sister and they tell me he is an abusive twat. Because sometimes even now I still can't see it. It takes a lot of work and counselling to help yourself get better.

You sound far stronger than I ever was!

Not just "could be", but " already is", lovely springydaffs - political will and the legal process is finally catching up with [non-physical] domestic abuse issues. Finally.

That said, it's going to take a while to trickle through to all layers of anybody you might need to help you. There are still police officees/etc out there, for instance, who don't get that rape can occur within marriage (and that case law has been around since [1991? - wise women, please correct me if I'm wrong]). I'm not saying your issues necessarily include that; just an example that, though we've come a long way, not everybody you'll need to support you in the coming weeks/months will be as clued up as you need them to be. So, you need to get smart about your rights and issues and take charge of your lovely new future.

thank you for calling me lovely

Springydaffs you made me laugh!

OP this site was my saviour and still is whilst I continue to post minute deals of my exchanges with H and my ever changing thoughts in far too much detail.

Lots of wise ladies on here

Just wanted to say well done, OP. Nobody should have live like that.

Thank you oh wise (and lovely) ladies.
We talked again tonight and is trying to get me to stay.... all the usual. I'm overreacting.... suggesting he go to a therapist, then saying, no it would be too costly. He'll change......bla,bla,bla. Interesting no 'sorry' or heartfelt apologies for how he might have made me feel.
It's such an emotional rollercoaster.
I'll definitely look into this freedom programme. Yes, he is tech savvy. Very (software developer) I've sometimes wondered if he can check the router for stuff.

So his shit, abusive behaviour is your fault

DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME

(Sorry to shout: needs must) xx

Preemptive, I'll have to shop around. It's an idea staying put but I'm quite stressed out really. Not able to properly or think straight. He said yesterday he'd move out, today, wanted me to move out and this evening for me to stay so I can't take his word he'll actually go.
Namechanger, did you feel this too? Guess you still are struggling and NO, I'm not stronger.
I hate the 'nice' bit more than the nasty bits as it confuses you even more.

I won't springy.

Here's where you can Register your home rights with the Land Registry

If you fill in the form it'll mean they have to contact you if he tries to do anything with the house (remortgage or sell).

He won't change. Promising to change is a standard tactic to weaken your resolve. He doesn't respect you as a fellow human being. Get rid.

Ah thanks homebird, I'll do that. I know Fish, just got to get that stuck in this head. Feeling weakened already but I know I've got to stay strong. Even if I'm trying rationalise his behaviour, how I feel is the best sign I guess.

Freckles please do start reading as much as you can online. Putting names to his behaviour really helped me.

Look up things like emotional abuse and gas lighting. He sounds so similar to my H.

I still wobble about things daily and question my thoughts. It's a sign of how much he criticised me that I can't even trust my own opinions anymore.

Have you looked up the Freedom Programme yet - and found a course near you? That'll get your head straight in record time. It's the ballast you need.

Even now, decades later, I sometimes wonder if I could have seen things differently; still a sense of disbelief sometimes - but not for long! Yes, get as much info as possible to shore you up.

Step at a time lovely

I just loathe this kind of man.

He likes to watch a woman scurry around in an all-consuming quest to make him happy while he causes her stress and moves the goalposts.

For you it means any happiness you get from life is despite him, certainly not with him.

Don't expect reasonable behaviour, and the toughest bit is to teach yourself to break the habit of worrying about what he wants.

Mental strength and train, train, train yourself not to react to him, just doggedly (and silently if needs be) continue your plan to extricate yourself from him.

Easy happiness awaits.

I did check the programme but couldn't find one near me unfortunately.
Spoke to solicitor, she said it shouldn't be a problem if I move away as long as contact is maintained.

I've been busy smooching through paperwork (naughty me!)
Made copies of pension plans, house details, income and certificates ect...

Had a busy but fruitful morning....?? xx

Yes name, even when he's trying to coerce me into staying he's still criticising.
When he was trying to last week, he said it was my fault because I didn't give a toss about the house (that really made me want to stay!!!
In reality I clean all day after the kids worrying what he'll puck on next!

Solicitor didn't think staying here and him leaving was a good idea and she laughed when I told her he wanted to keep the kids. She said 'no chance!

Ha freckles! Mine explained how (to me, my parents, anyone who would listen) how our house was always a tip and I was a messy cook in the kitchen.

My dad asked - the kitchen is messy after she has cooked you a meal? so why didn't you help her to tidy up then? No answer from h

Take the children's birth certificates (originals) and your original marriage certificate and any other docs you could legitimately claim to be yours. Take copies of any payslips he has? Or the most recent one at least.

Look online for a Form E. This is the financial doc he will have to complete if finances go to court. This will give you an idea of some of the info you should try to get from him. Don't need originals, I just took pics on my phone and emailed them to my brother for safe keeping.

If you have to travel a it to do the Freedom Programme please consider it. Some of them have free childcare for the duration too. And you can start at any time - it's a 12 week course but you can join midway and no obligation to attend every session.

Ok mamechanger. I'll do some payslips too. Hate going through it, as he had impeccable precision!
I've got marriage cert and kids certs too. Do you think yours will put all his info down correctly?

Thank you Cakefirbreakfast. Yes exactly that. I'm just trying to focus now on practicalities.

Freckles our husbands must be twins! H kept everything impeccable too and was obsessed with money (still is).

I took pics of his folders before I looked at papers so I could put everything back in their precisely as he had left them!

I am fully expecting him to lie about finances / he has hidden his (and my) money from me throughout and has offered me a rubbish deal so far.

So I am going through courts. The paperwork I copied would not be admissible but would help me to know if he is lying or omitting pots of money from his disclosures.

That's why it's useful to get hold of anything and everything you can. Mine had a scribbled sheet of paper noting down who he owed money to and how much - it's been a real eye opener and an invaluable source of info for me.

Oh yes, defo the money!! Hmmmmm....I wonder if they are in the same line of work?!!
If not working for money he'll be studying how to make more money!! Money and success right?!