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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Early stage of relationship and worried about mil with DP...would you run?

114 replies

whatsupdawg · 04/09/2015 09:34

I just wanted advice on that really.

Met this guy 18 months ago today, and we've seen each other literally every weekend since then. Talked about moving in etc seems to be going well. But I sense thins are strange between him and his mum and after reading threads on here about nightmare mils and mummys boys, I wanted to get some perspective. Will call her 'mil' just because its easier.

firstly, the thing that prompted me to post was that on another thread, someone had mentioned mil suggesting moving in with her son, and everyone thought that was shocking...well thats exactly what mil did when dp mentioned the prospect of us moving in next year! this was the first 'red flag,' i guess.

secondly, mil has a rule that we cant talk about her ex husband in front of her or any of her friends and family. obviously sometimes he has to be mentioned (ie birthday, 'we are going to see dad'). but dp is very (weirdly) scared of mentioning him in front of her. he even reminds me every time we visit not to mention him in conversation - easy enough to do, dont get me wrong, so i dont mention him. mil and ex husband have been divorced 22 years, hes met someone else, she hasnt.

mil has called dp crying many times.she seems to do this when she thinks we arent together ie anytime i have ever been with DP on a Thursday or a sunday night when she thinks i wont be around. she will tell him she has no friends and that she is 'alone.' there are always new hospital appointments been made and then nothign comes of them. maybe i am being cynical... it is just something i have picked up on.

the thing that has bothered me most is that last monday we went to look at a new place to move to, both very excited. last night, dps phone rings and he takes the call in another room. an hour later he comes back and says hes not sure about moving in as his mumthinks it is too soon and she thinks he should live on his own for a while before thinking about living with me (he currently lives with housemates). this has shocked and upset me. mil has never been particularly nice or nasty to me - shes not my typical person i would be friends with, but ive never been anything but lovely to her.

i questioned dp on this and he said he thinks she is right... strange because HE was the one who wanted to move in sooner, and i said lets wait until january when we have been together nearly 2 years, rather than 18 months. it has made me question everything. dp is 28 years old, i feel angry that his mother is even involved.

should i run?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 04/09/2015 09:38

I think you should run!

She is dysfunctional to a T and I'm betting my life he is too.

Honestly I can't believe some folk these days.

Make sure you lay it down about how pathetic this all is between them.

She is a despicable mother for holding her son accountable for her happiness.

prettywhiteguitar · 04/09/2015 09:42

Run for the hills ! Not just because of the mil's behaviour but how your dp is reacting to her

patterkiller · 04/09/2015 09:45

Some MIL are batshit crazy on various levels, however, it's how your DP reacts to this that is the important thing.

He has shown you without a shadow of doubt that you will always be over ruled by his mother. Imagine if/when DC became involved. Run.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/09/2015 09:47

Yep run, you'd need an axe to cut the apron strings!

OTheHugeManatee · 04/09/2015 09:48

Run for the hills.

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 09:48

Yep run! Some massive red flags here especially the 'hospital appointments'

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 09:49

You'd be actually doing him a massive favour by telling him why too.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/09/2015 09:52

He's 28 and still obeys what his Mother says.

It won't change without a lot of manipulation and emotional blackmail from her attempting to hang onto him.

Sorry but I think you're onto a loser there.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2015 09:56

This relationship is really at an end. Yes you should run and tell him why as well. He will likely not listen though.

She has never let him be his own person and their relationship anyway is dysfunctional. You will always be second place in his head to his mother because that is the way she wants it. Unfortunately in such cases you can only help your own self by leaving.

Original poster
whatsupdawg · 04/09/2015 09:57

thanks. none of this was what i wanted to hear though!!

i really do love him, im just not interested in being part of a battle with his mil. i mean, really, she wants to move in with him for starters? and next she is telling me not to move in with me?! cant he see that is strange??

when confronted he gets upset and says he feels 'confused.' he was the one who wanted to move in and suggested it first! i feel like i already cant win.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsupdawg · 04/09/2015 09:59

what was weird was that a few weeks ago she was encouraging dp to take a job in wales, which is far from me and from mil. why would she do that?

OP posts:
Baconyum · 04/09/2015 10:02

"why would she do that?" Confirmation those of us saying run are right.

She's trying to break you up, unfortunately she's succeeded but you're better off out of it she'll be a nightmare as a Mil!!

TimeToMuskUp · 04/09/2015 10:04

Run, run for the hills.

I met a man not unlike this, ignored the red flags, made allowances and excuses for their utter, utter madness. I married him and his Mum came on our Honeymoon (as a surprise babysitter; she babysat DS1 once and spent the rest of the time 'borrowing' him and complaining, ending the honeymoon with a D&V bug in bed for a week). It's the maddest thing I've ever seen/heard.

I'm still married to him, she's still bonkers, I've had to spend years and years putting boundaries in place and it's been such a slog that, eight years later, I'm exhausted and she's still an enormous part of our lives and has to know everything.

Original poster
whatsupdawg · 04/09/2015 10:04

what i mean is, why would she be happy with him moving further from her as well as me? she also loses out as well?

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsupdawg · 04/09/2015 10:05

timtomuskup that sounds awful!! i cant believe it. how did you move past that?!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2015 10:10

" I really do love him, im just not interested in being part of a battle with his mil. i mean, really, she wants to move in with him for starters? and next she is telling me not to move in with me?! cant he see that is strange??

No he sees nothing wrong (after all he has had a lifetime of conditioning at her hands), he sees his mother as someone who can do no wrong, he cannot challenge her or say no to her and still wants her approval in all things.

His mother wants to own her son and instil the feeling that no woman is good enough for him. She fills him full of self doubt. He has also allowed mother to rule him so its not just her that should be of concern to you.

I have no doubt that you love him but love alone is simply not enough; he will put his mother over and above you always. He has been conditioned to do so; his own inertia is simply hurting him now and it will cost him a relationship with you as a result. He will not likely learn anything either from your separation.

TimeToMuskUp · 04/09/2015 10:10

I don't think we did. But for your MIL I guess him moving away from her is small fry if she got him away from you. I wonder if she was suggesting it just to see if she could control him, almost like a tester, and when she realised she had that level of control, decided to use it to influence him moving in with you?

Original poster
whatsupdawg · 04/09/2015 10:15

would someone really go to that extreme to get him away from me though? thinking about it, she would probably be happier knowing he was away from me as nothing would change for her really, they would still speak on the phone but i wouldnt be around.

it makes me feel sick. and it is so so so so frustrating that he cant see it! why cant he open his eyes? his last relationship ended because he was still living with his mum and he had to be there for dinner etc and gave absolutely no effort or loyalty to his ex. i should have been aware then. i hate her so much for doing this to a man who is lovely, without these issues.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/09/2015 10:17

I feel like i already cant win

And you're absolutely right

You'll never have a proper relationship while he takes this attitude towards his mother - and as others have said, it is his behviour which is the issue rather than hers

Of course he could choose to change - although on current form he clearly doesn't want to - but do you really want to spend a lifetime waiting for that to happen and constantly being disappointed?

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 10:22

That's the red flag you should have run at, the reason the last relationship ended. Bet you and his ex would have very interesting conversations about this nutty 'mil'

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 10:27

As for the lengths these crazy women will go to?

As an eg there's threads about a Mil insisting on going to the birth of her grandchild and has broken the law on patient confidentiality to find out where dil is giving birth, another on a Mil that's told the whole family her dil has pnd in response to being told she can't just visit when it suits her, think I've seen one where the Mil just turned up on a family holiday uninvited? (Could be wrong but rings a bell), several where mil are insisting on the gc being raised 'their' way, weddings being completely ruined... and iirc its common for these relationships to have begun with the type of things you're experiencing now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2015 10:29

"would someone really go to that extreme to get him away from me though?"

Yes and what you describe re her behaviour is not that untypical from such mothers. They want to keep them enmeshed to their very bosom; they want to keep their child emotionally over dependent on them so they feel needed and wanted.

He cannot or equally will not ever challenge his mother on anything (he has become that conditioned), she in his eyes can and will do no wrong in his eyes.

Its already cost him one relationship unsurprisingly and I wrote to you before he will not learn from your parting from him either.

You do need to part now, he will only cause you more emotional hurt and disappointment otherwise. There are plenty of men out their without such mummy issues.

patterkiller · 04/09/2015 10:29

Have you really talked to him about it. and I said, OK let's wait until January just sounds like you weren't heard at all.

Cheesybaps · 04/09/2015 10:33

OP, In answer to your last question... what i mean is, why would she be happy with him moving further from her as well as me? she also loses out as well?

I don't think she would lose out. You say she is alone, has no friends. She is already willing to move from her home and in with her 28 yo son.

Moving to Wales would be a massive bonus! She would move there wouldn't she? He would be away from you, his friends and presumably her exH, his DF. She would have him all to herself!

Bloody bonkers really. I agree you can't continue with someone who is so easily swayed by their mother, it only gets worse.

Original poster
whatsupdawg · 04/09/2015 10:37

christ. these replies are giving me clarity but also making me feel a bit sick.

i just wish he would wake up a bit :( i do love him and when he isnt associated in a weird way to his mum, we have great times.

i am really into family as well. i love getting to know his and at the start i was keen to see his mother regularly as familyis important to me and i actually felt sorry for her being alone. i set her up online dating, gave her loads of attention, even called her now and then!! yet here she is saying behind my back that my dp should buy a house on his own and not live with me. what a bitch.

feeling upset now. i appreciate support on this everyone, thank you xx

OP posts: