Early stage of relationship and worried about mil with DP...would you run?

[whatsupdawg]

I just wanted advice on that really.

Met this guy 18 months ago today, and we've seen each other literally every weekend since then. Talked about moving in etc seems to be going well. But I sense thins are strange between him and his mum and after reading threads on here about nightmare mils and mummys boys, I wanted to get some perspective. Will call her 'mil' just because its easier.

firstly, the thing that prompted me to post was that on another thread, someone had mentioned mil suggesting moving in with her son, and everyone thought that was shocking...well thats exactly what mil did when dp mentioned the prospect of us moving in next year! this was the first 'red flag,' i guess.

secondly, mil has a rule that we cant talk about her ex husband in front of her or any of her friends and family. obviously sometimes he has to be mentioned (ie birthday, 'we are going to see dad'). but dp is very (weirdly) scared of mentioning him in front of her. he even reminds me every time we visit not to mention him in conversation - easy enough to do, dont get me wrong, so i dont mention him. mil and ex husband have been divorced 22 years, hes met someone else, she hasnt.

mil has called dp crying many times.she seems to do this when she thinks we arent together ie anytime i have ever been with DP on a Thursday or a sunday night when she thinks i wont be around. she will tell him she has no friends and that she is 'alone.' there are always new hospital appointments been made and then nothign comes of them. maybe i am being cynical... it is just something i have picked up on.

the thing that has bothered me most is that last monday we went to look at a new place to move to, both very excited. last night, dps phone rings and he takes the call in another room. an hour later he comes back and says hes not sure about moving in as his mumthinks it is too soon and she thinks he should live on his own for a while before thinking about living with me (he currently lives with housemates). this has shocked and upset me. mil has never been particularly nice or nasty to me - shes not my typical person i would be friends with, but ive never been anything but lovely to her.

i questioned dp on this and he said he thinks she is right... strange because HE was the one who wanted to move in sooner, and i said lets wait until january when we have been together nearly 2 years, rather than 18 months. it has made me question everything. dp is 28 years old, i feel angry that his mother is even involved.

should i run?

A word of warning OP. They can still be controlling from beyond the grave.

I dated a seemingly nice normal bloke a couple of years ago; his Mother still ruled the roost.; her choice of food, furnishings, newspapers even.

MiddleAgedandConfused covert incest is not about sex. Just as rape and physical sexual abuse aren't. It's about power and control.

I come to this thread as a survivor of abuse, toxic parents, toxic pil and also as an ex child protection worker. Just to provide some background.

The op's man is a victim too but ultimately it's not op's responsibility to help him. He does as others have said need counselling. Quite intense counselling I think too and possibly would be much better off going NC with his mother. It was the comment about not being able to talk about his father that raised a red flag for me and made me think covert incest. Tbh I would actually not be surprised if there'd been actual sexual abuse by the mother to the son in this case. Of course I can't know but as I say I wouldn't be surprised. I suspect the guys dad if he had contact after the split his dad probably had to fight tooth and nail for it.

TimetoMuskups post also reminded me of Albert Steptoe too.

OP she is emotionally abusive I agree with PPs who say this WONT get better.

If it were me i would end it pronto.

He is never going to prioritise you over her, and should you think it's manageable and decide to stay, it will take having DC to bring home the ramifications of this. At which point it will be so much more destructive and disruptive, to even more lives, to extricate yourself.

You need to leave him now, and move on.

I was in this exact same position as you are now except I stayed and tried to win the battle. I lost eventually. I met my ex in 1995 and we split in 2005. He is still living with his Mother most of the week and stays overnight at her place as she cooks and does his laundry.

His Mother was constantly calling him, she even told the family she had cancer for attention seeking purposes.

Get out now unless you both move hundreds of miles away but your partner wants her involvement in his life more than he wants to be with you.

You'll regret staying with him and will mourn wasted years for a long time, not forever. You will meet somebody else eventually.

I know you love him but his love for his Mother is priority, you'll never, ever, ever win.

I'm so, so sorry, you will be really upset but you must be sensible now, get your head down into work and with your own family and friends and say goodbye.

This relationship is toxic and will damage you for the rest of your life if you stay.

We have a child and he hasn't bothered with him since 2005. DS is seventeen now.

This relationship is dangerous to your self worth.

he takes the call in another room. an hour later he comes back and says hes not sure about moving in as his mum thinks it is too soon and she thinks he should live on his own for a while before thinking about living with me (he currently lives with housemates)

Your MIL is not the problem (although she may be the cause of the problem). Your problem is a grown man coming out of a phone call from his mother and telling you he isn't ready to commit. That is not really very usual.Most adult men don't hav hour-long conversations with their mums about long term relationships and don't decide whether they are in or out based on their mother's opinions.

So either he is using her as an excuse or he is doing what she wants. In either case get out.

When someone moves in with someone, commits to someone, marries someone, he/she should be doing it because the other person is the most special important person in his/her life and he/she wants utterly to be with the other one.

Please don't settle for a man who kind of wants to move in with you but re-thinks it when his mum talks to him.

move on. find someone better.

And it is not just the mother's of men. One friend of my dd's is Cuban and had been married to a Mexican for ten years. The bitch of his MIL sold her house to move in with them soon after they were married and then spent the remaining years telling her dd that he had only married her to get out of Cuba. Lots of Cuban would get married to get out of Cuba, but they do not stay or have to stay in those marriages for ten years. Besides as a mother I can't imagine saying such hurtful things to my dd.

Some mothers will never except their little boy loving another woman. The moving in thing really resonated with me. When the ex and I were flat hunting we turned down so many places because his mum didn't like them or thought we should be in a particular area.
He never did anything without running it past her. In her eyes I was never going to be good enough.
Eventually he dumped me and moved back in with her. He's 35. I'm sure she's happy with that.
Run, run for your life.

If he's not prepared to stand up to his mother now he never will.
My DH is fantastic in all but 1 way, his mother. We have moved to the other side of the world to get away from her and our life together has been so much better. I thought issues has been resolved but her visiting us this summer has proved otherwise. We've been together 14 years, married 11 and things are just the same when it comes to MIL saying jump. She's even started using our kids to cause trouble. Normally I stay out of the way when they're skyping but I won't be in the future, I'm not having them think this way of behaving is normal.
I can't honestly say if I'd stay with him if I'd of recognised her behaviour as early on as you have. I certainly would have started fighting back quicker

Op, you are at the beginning of the journey with a mummy's boy. As others have said, matters will escalate hugely if you have a child with this man. His mother assumes she is no. 1 in his life, and this will not change as long as he enables it.
You have my sympathy. It is hard to find a soul mate, and when the relationship is good in all ways apart from mil, it seems a terrible waste to end it. But intrusive MILs cause havoc and heartbreak, and prevent the relationship between the partners from truly flourishing.

I think am the person referred to upthread by rumbleinthejungle [waves], whose mil demanded my husband spend Valentine's Day with her instead of me. She also nearly succeeded in duping my husband into signing a will which, in the event of my husband's death, would have removed all my rights over my marital home, and given the rights to MIL's other son.

My husband has finally seen the light, and has gone very low contact with his mother. But it took the absolute crisis of the will debacle for him to face up to the unhealthiness of her enmeshment with him. From the time of my pregnancy until our child was 3 and a half, he turned a blind eye to mil 's rudeness and her constant assumption that she could undermine me. He didn't want to see it, as the cost to him (angering Mummy) was too high.
Only when he faced losing me and DD did he recognise that he needed to treat our marriage as the primary relationship.

We are doing well now as a couple and family (partly thanks to Mumsnetters!) But DH will probably be plagued with sadness and guilt for the rest of his life, and I will always know that he was willing to betray me because Mummy said he should.

One last point; when I first started posting about MIL's rudeness and dominance on Mumsnet, I was always advised by Mumsnetters that there would be problems ahead unless DH started putting me ahead of his mother. Sadly the advice was correct.

Run!

Haven't read the entire thread op but really wanted to give you my perspective.

The mil sounds very much like mine, controlling, manipulative, narc, passive aggressive, you name it she's the works.

A relationship in this situation only works if the dp realises his mother is in the wrong. My dh fights his mother at every turn and always takes my side. He realises his upbringing was not normal.

I had 'red flags' at the beginning, mil threw a birthday party for dp at her house for his 20th. We had been together nearly a year and she asked dp not to invite me as she wanted it to be 'family only' he refused and spent the day with me instead, leaving her and his whole family at mils house. I knew then I was on to a winner.

The problem here isn't mil (she was probably fucked up before she had kids) the problem is the dp, this will never work and you need to leave him.

Make sure (since you are going anyway) to tell him exactly the reason why.

And the reason for the breakdown of his last relationship was not a red flag because....?

Of course it's sad but pitying him won't change her, he's an adult and has a say in the dynamics of their relationship and he's chosen to have poor boundaries with his Mum. Moving in with this man would not constitute a triumph because I'm sure mummy dearest, hasn't broken a sweat in her pursuit of 'keeping her boy'. Said boy, would probably view moving in with you as his big sacrifice and wouldn't bat an eyelid at sacrificing your feelings on the 'keeping mummy happy' altar.

Feeling sorry for someone is not a dynamic that's a basis for a healthy relationship.