Early stage of relationship and worried about mil with DP...would you run?

[whatsupdawg]

I just wanted advice on that really.

Met this guy 18 months ago today, and we've seen each other literally every weekend since then. Talked about moving in etc seems to be going well. But I sense thins are strange between him and his mum and after reading threads on here about nightmare mils and mummys boys, I wanted to get some perspective. Will call her 'mil' just because its easier.

firstly, the thing that prompted me to post was that on another thread, someone had mentioned mil suggesting moving in with her son, and everyone thought that was shocking...well thats exactly what mil did when dp mentioned the prospect of us moving in next year! this was the first 'red flag,' i guess.

secondly, mil has a rule that we cant talk about her ex husband in front of her or any of her friends and family. obviously sometimes he has to be mentioned (ie birthday, 'we are going to see dad'). but dp is very (weirdly) scared of mentioning him in front of her. he even reminds me every time we visit not to mention him in conversation - easy enough to do, dont get me wrong, so i dont mention him. mil and ex husband have been divorced 22 years, hes met someone else, she hasnt.

mil has called dp crying many times.she seems to do this when she thinks we arent together ie anytime i have ever been with DP on a Thursday or a sunday night when she thinks i wont be around. she will tell him she has no friends and that she is 'alone.' there are always new hospital appointments been made and then nothign comes of them. maybe i am being cynical... it is just something i have picked up on.

the thing that has bothered me most is that last monday we went to look at a new place to move to, both very excited. last night, dps phone rings and he takes the call in another room. an hour later he comes back and says hes not sure about moving in as his mumthinks it is too soon and she thinks he should live on his own for a while before thinking about living with me (he currently lives with housemates). this has shocked and upset me. mil has never been particularly nice or nasty to me - shes not my typical person i would be friends with, but ive never been anything but lovely to her.

i questioned dp on this and he said he thinks she is right... strange because HE was the one who wanted to move in sooner, and i said lets wait until january when we have been together nearly 2 years, rather than 18 months. it has made me question everything. dp is 28 years old, i feel angry that his mother is even involved.

should i run?

'when confronted he gets upset and says he feels 'confused.'

OP, I have an engulfing mother (and father actually), just like your man does. I can see it from both sides. From his POV, he has grown up with this deeply dysfunctional and toxic woman as his mother. To a certain extent, her bonkers behaviour is 'normal' to him because it's all he's known a mother to be, and yet the adult part of him that has partly detached from her knows that her behaviour is unhealthy. She seems to treat him like he is her whole universe, in a horrible distortion of what a genuinely loving parent-adult child relationship should be, and holds him responsible for her happiness. It is a truly dreadful burden for him to bear. I've been in therapy for the past 6 years and am only part of the way through reclaiming my own life and my independence from my smothering parents.

However, from your point of view, you can see how deranged her behaviour is, and how very worrying it is that she is turning his head with her poison. So I agree with others - run for the hills! I know that's not what you want to hear and I'm really sorry But you do not need this level of toxicity and drama in your life. You can't save him, because he's nowhere near ready to start detaching from her yet. You can save yourself though. None of this will magically get better. You will be signing up to a miserable relationship where you will be second fiddle to her forever more. Don't do it - you are worth so much more x

Just wondering if dp is an only child and if not, what sort of relationship does mil have with the other children?

'I have PIL like this. OH is their only reason for existing, and they hold him entirely responsible for their happiness. He moved away from the family town '

Gummy, are you me? My PILs, well MIL especially, are exactly like this. We haven't had suicide threats but she often laments how very unfair it is that DP moved away from his home town, but all of MIL's brother's 4 sons have stayed put. Yes, what a truly dreadful thing it is for an adult to grow up and move away from home. Nice MIL, really nice.

There's also a non stop litany of medical conditions and medical appointments. I would really hate to disbelieve someone if they were genuinely ill, but her non stop emotional manipulation and guilt tripping make me wonder whether absolutely all of them are genuine. She tends not to stick with any remedies either - deaf as a post but won't wear hearing aid, doesn't finish medication, can't leave the house because balance isn't good but still manages to visit friend 100 miles away, that sort of thing. She wears me out with her negativity. Thank every single one of my lucky stars that we only see them about twice a year!

iflyaway our approach is refreshing! dps mother actually got rid of things dp's father had bought him for his 18th birthday!! weird.

chilli yes hes an only child. lotta thank you for your insight. ive never ever known a woman like this and genuinely did all i could to be nice and kind to her.

the most frustrating thing is that when i tell my dp it isnt right, it pushes him closer to mil as he feels he must protect her. i really cannot win. and the thing is, i didnt even dislike the woman until i found out what she was doing to me and dp...i would always have had time for her. i feel used/hurt/humiliated that i have done so much for her and this is how she repays me...

Run run run run run run run run run! Seriously run!

'i feel used/hurt/humiliated that i have done so much for her and this is how she repays me...'

You sound like a nice, kind, reasonable kind of person, who has never been exposed to toxic narcissists before. It's normal to be struggling to get your head around this kind of behaviour! I would recommend not even trying to understand, just getting as far away from both of them as you can. If it helps at all, its highly unlikely that this is personal - any unfortunate woman who dared to form a relationship with her precious darling, the centre of her universe, her reason for living, would have had the same treatment

I'm afraid you have your answer OP Everytime you bring it up, it causes a row between you and your DP, and you feel it actually pushes him closer to her. He's nowhere near ready to start pursuing a healthy life and a healthy relationship with you. I'm so sorry, but the choice is between his happiness or your happiness, and you must choose yourself

You've got plenty of sound advice here so I won't go on...but run. Run. I know It's hard but this will come back to bite hard. She's a narcissist and there is no easy fix for this. Your DP is bound to a lifetime of guilt and resentment. And he won't get off that bus. You could be giving birth to your first born and DP will be off driving mum to an appointment for her hammer toe. And then he'll give you the weird silent treatment for daring to ask that your entirely reasonable wishes (i.e. 'please DP be there for our baby's birth') come before his mother's. He will make you feel so irrational throughout the relationship. He will perceive you to be demanding, spoiled, high maintenance, even mentally unsound at times in order to rationalise and tolerate his invasive mother and her totally unreasonable, demanding behaviour. She is a mother who will never let her son enjoy love and happiness on his terms. How dare he! It's all a touch Norman Bates...without the psycho bit. You can't feel sad for this dysfunctional relationship. It started the moment she had her son. You can't fix it or be the catalyst in his life, the woman who helps him see reason. You can only walk.

This will not change. Seriously. I've seen this movie before, I've lived it out and it always, ALWAYS, OK?!! ALWAYS ends in tears...yours. Sorry to be so blunt.

horsewalks thank you.

he already makes me feel mentally unsound when i question any of it..ive been called crazy when i have.

he said he told mil that i was upset about the not moving in and apparently she told him i was needy and posessive and needed to get my own life....just..wow. and he wont learn from it. this is going to be the end for us. and we were so happy before all this!

'apparently she told him i was needy and posessive and needed to get my own life....just..wow'

Yeah, wow! That's called irony. As well as having absolutely zero insight or self awareness, and its just the tip of a very big and scary and batshit iceberg

Calling someone crazy when they talk about things you don't want to hear is just another way of saying 'shut up and stop making such a fuss'. He either has absolutely no idea that his mother is bonkers, which is very disturbing, or he is starting to realise that she's bonkers but is still very much in denial. Either way, take your sanity and run

do i tell him why? or just say it isnt working?

i know he will try and make it better if i say i want to leave. and i will want to stay. it is just so messed up.

i just cant believe someone can be so destructive to their own son.

why?!

i just cant believe someone can be so destructive to their own son.

why?!

You are needy and possessive and need to get your own life?
It's called projection OP

Honestly OP, do whatever will make it easiest for you to get out of the relationship. Telling him why you're leaving may help him for the future, but on the other hand, he may not be able to hear it, and fixing him is not your problem anyway.

As a society, we tend to think of all parents as nurturing, loving, caring, gentle people. Its just not the case for everyone. She may well have narcissistic personality disorder. She quite possibly doesn't even see him as a separate person - he's just an extension of her. He exists to fulfull her needs, she's not able to hold him in mind or think about what might be best for him. It might help to think of her as a clingy child from an emotional point of view - it's what I do with my mother. She's simply not capable of behaving like a rational loving healthy adult. She has no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Other people only exist for her to provide a reflection of how wonderful she is. It's very disturbing stuff.

It's a truly messed up relationship and the way he's going, it's going to have a hugely negative impact on his life. This is not your problem. You have a duty here to put yourself and your happiness first.

Why don't you show him this thread - he may get angry at you for talking about his mum in such a way but it will be harder to ignore lots of people saying the same thing. If you're going to loose him anyway......

If one ex left because of his mother and then you do, maybe just maybe he will start to realise the common denominator

Unless he is ready to de-attach this will not work, the fact he's already telling his mother what you're saying & she's discrediting you shows she will not support this relationship.

It's sad you probably won't have any option but to leave however tell him, show him the toxic, FOG information but until he sees it, nothing will work. For your own happiness do not deserve the stress she can bring to you.

I'm in a similar situation but we have a child & there's a mil & nan in law who are both as bad as each other. My dp has realised what they do & it has opened his eyes & doesn't want ours going the same way, it helps so much we agree on what to do & they do listen when he speaks, well at the moment anyway.

If he isn't willing to listen you & stop his mother discrediting you, the relationship will be nothing but stress.

Another vote for showing him this thread.

And spot on hopping.

My toxic mil tried to split me and dp up while I was pregnant and til our dc1 was a year or so and only stopped because I gave dp an ultimatum:me or her. He chose his new family. Your dp is drowning in denial and you're setting yourself up for years of heartache. You can try to talk to him and lay it on the line. There may be a chink of awareness. Otherwise run for those motherf**kin hills, love!

OP if your DP is serious about you and wants a future with you he needs to have a serious conversation with his mother and get some barriers in place and not be emotionally blackmailed and act out of Fear Obligation and Guilt.

If your DP isn't with you in this then you need to walk away now and save yourself - because it is mentally and physically draining. You sound a lovely committed girlfriend and he should be the same in return.

He is still deep in the FOG.

Consider this for a minute OP:
mil has a rule that we cant talk about her ex husband in front of her... dp is very (weirdly) scared of mentioning him in front of her... mil and ex husband have been divorced 22 years

So as a grown man scared of upsetting his mother by talking about his own parent. Imaging how abusive she must have been to him at 6 years old, when his father first left? She will have been emotionally punishing and blackmailing him for years, and he does not think it's abuse because it's been done in the name of "love" and "I just want the best for you, son" and "Nobody care about you like I do".

As far as she's concerned, he's not a person; he's her possession. He is her narcissistic supply.

You cannot save him. He can only save himself, and it's possible he might never do that.

Leave him. Let him move in with his mammy where he belongs.

You will never will against a woman like this. She will become a million times worse if you ever have children.

win, not will.