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Original poster

Early stage of relationship and worried about mil with DP...would you run?

114 replies

whatsupdawg · 04/09/2015 09:34

I just wanted advice on that really.

Met this guy 18 months ago today, and we've seen each other literally every weekend since then. Talked about moving in etc seems to be going well. But I sense thins are strange between him and his mum and after reading threads on here about nightmare mils and mummys boys, I wanted to get some perspective. Will call her 'mil' just because its easier.

firstly, the thing that prompted me to post was that on another thread, someone had mentioned mil suggesting moving in with her son, and everyone thought that was shocking...well thats exactly what mil did when dp mentioned the prospect of us moving in next year! this was the first 'red flag,' i guess.

secondly, mil has a rule that we cant talk about her ex husband in front of her or any of her friends and family. obviously sometimes he has to be mentioned (ie birthday, 'we are going to see dad'). but dp is very (weirdly) scared of mentioning him in front of her. he even reminds me every time we visit not to mention him in conversation - easy enough to do, dont get me wrong, so i dont mention him. mil and ex husband have been divorced 22 years, hes met someone else, she hasnt.

mil has called dp crying many times.she seems to do this when she thinks we arent together ie anytime i have ever been with DP on a Thursday or a sunday night when she thinks i wont be around. she will tell him she has no friends and that she is 'alone.' there are always new hospital appointments been made and then nothign comes of them. maybe i am being cynical... it is just something i have picked up on.

the thing that has bothered me most is that last monday we went to look at a new place to move to, both very excited. last night, dps phone rings and he takes the call in another room. an hour later he comes back and says hes not sure about moving in as his mumthinks it is too soon and she thinks he should live on his own for a while before thinking about living with me (he currently lives with housemates). this has shocked and upset me. mil has never been particularly nice or nasty to me - shes not my typical person i would be friends with, but ive never been anything but lovely to her.

i questioned dp on this and he said he thinks she is right... strange because HE was the one who wanted to move in sooner, and i said lets wait until january when we have been together nearly 2 years, rather than 18 months. it has made me question everything. dp is 28 years old, i feel angry that his mother is even involved.

should i run?

OP posts:
Baconyum · 04/09/2015 10:43

Yes well being a nice, young uncynical person (unlike old fart like me who've seen it all!) It didn't occur to you to wonder why she was divorced and had NO friends.

My ex Mil wasn't half as batty but had her moments. She's now alone too and even DS barely bothers with her cos he's had enough of her melodramatic oh woe is me crap!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/09/2015 10:47

That's exactly the point though, whatsup - she'd be happy to accept whatever friendliness you offered, just so long as you never expected anything from her or her son. As you're already seeing, the primary relationship is between them and nobody is allowed to interfere

Unfortunately, if he's already allowed one relationship to be trashed this way and still carries on he's very unlikely to change now. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you - would you really risk spending it like this?

CalleighDoodle · 04/09/2015 11:03

I wonder if suggesting you both emigrate to Australia would provoke some sort of clarifying reaction?

nauticant · 04/09/2015 11:09

what i mean is, why would she be happy with him moving further from her as well as me? she also loses out as well?

Because she is hoping that separating you both will break up your relationship but is confident she can keep a grip on him even at a long distance. Her plan (which she might not even be consciously aware of) is that once you've broken up, she will develop some medical condition and her son will return.

would someone really go to that extreme to get him away from me though?

You're thinking about this in terms as what would be reasonable to you. She is thinking about winning with the cost being irrelevant.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2015 11:19

Run for the hills

They are that way

And leave him this to read when you end it Toxic

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2015 11:20

She will be happy him moving further away because she will plan to live with him. In her head at the very least.

ChilliAndMint · 04/09/2015 11:29

I don't think you MIL is anywhere as " fragile" as she makes herself out to be.

She sounds very much like my friend's mother; a manipulative misery guts who has to be the centre of attention all the time.

Long after she divorced her husband ( she had an affair) she made sure that any potential relationships he had with women were curtailed.

Could you suggest that your DP sees a councillor ? He needs to be able to see for himself that he is not in any way responsible for his mother's happiness.

Original poster
whatsupdawg · 04/09/2015 11:33

chilli there is no way. when i fist heard of her suggesting we didnt move in and suggesting she lived with him instead, i told him there were issues (i was so upset and angry) and said would he at least try and speak to someone. he eventually said he would, but he definitely does not think or want to believe there is a problem here. and i know he will never end up seeing someone...at least not until he realises for himself that there is an issue.

anytime i mention that his mum is behaving badly, we argue and i feel like she is breaking us even more.

i am so angry that she has done this. and his ex dp was really lovely...i should have known then that he was a bit of a mess :( it feels so sad and i cant believe mothers atually do this to their sons. it's like abuse.

OP posts:
ChilliAndMint · 04/09/2015 11:33

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Parents-Susan-Forward-ebook/dp/B003Q6D5PM/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top?ie=UTF8

This book has some rave reviews.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2015 11:37

It's exactly like abuse and he is in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) Google it!
From the looks of it he will be in the FOG for quite sometime until he can admit what is going on and confront it.
Seriously get those books for him it's a start at least.

ChilliAndMint · 04/09/2015 11:42

OP, it is abuse and it's about their needs and not their children's.

I'd tell him that under the present circumstance's ,you cannot see this relationship being tenable and that unless he addresses the issue you and him have no future together.

Scobberlotcher · 04/09/2015 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scobberlotcher · 04/09/2015 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 11:53

Not like but is abuse. In addition to the toxic elements I always feel there's an element of covert incest involved.

patterkiller · 04/09/2015 12:11

bacon Hmm

rumbleinthrjungle · 04/09/2015 12:34

Pseudo spouse.

And yes, as Bacon says, if you read books on how twisted this kind of relationship can get, psychologists do discuss a kind of emotional incest going on. The thread is around here somewhere where a MiL with this kind of hold over her son threw all kinds of paddies where dh did not spend valentines day with her and go out for dinner. (He was supposed to abandon dw and children to do this.) Several cases of MiL's manipulating sons into signing off legal processes that disadvantage the partner and are done behind the partner's back. In almost every case the dp is in total denial. If he wasn't, he'd have to start taking a very hard, upsetting look at the relationship he thought he had with his mother.

Read around and inform yourself thoroughly OP, it'll help you look at what may be going on in your situation more clearly and give you some protection.

moopymoodle · 04/09/2015 12:40

Reminds me of my ex, I had kids with him too! His parents stopped us moving out once as they put an idea in his head the area was rough. To this day they still act very entitled and try over ride me! The ex is acts like a child and has never grown up! His parents declared they are taking me to mediation as I said no sleep overs at the grandparents unless it's school holidays, my reason for this was that my children are already between two homes and exs parents thought they was entitled to one day a week too! Told them the kids can visit as often as they like witj their dad but I'm their mother and my word is final, not theirs!

Honestly I'd be cautious if I was you, I have nothing to do with these people yet they are still driving me insane because I won't pander to them.

Hoppinggreen · 04/09/2015 12:42

Nuts possessive mil's are not a problem As such but if your DP listens to (obeys) her then it's a huge problem.
Ditch now while you still can

QforCucumber · 04/09/2015 12:50

I really don't think his DM has a problem wit you personally, it's anyone who will try and take away her beloved son.

I would be tempted to mention grandchildren to her just to see her opinion on that.

PP's are right, it's how your DP responds to her and one conversation has made him change his mind about living with you, that would flag for me - and I'd especially want to know what she had said to him about you to make him change his mind so quickly.

GummyBunting · 04/09/2015 12:50

I have PIL like this. OH is their only reason for existing, and they hold him entirely responsible for their happiness. He moved away from the family town and they threatened to kill themselves because 'what's the point in being a family if you can't be together every weekend and some week nights'. MAD.

Anyway, the difference between my situation and yours is your OH. I stayed with my OH despite his parents nuttyness because he copes with it so well. He does not indulge them and is never conned into believing their right.

If my OH didn't handle the situation as well as he does, I would have run to the hills. It's difficult even with a brilliant OH, I wouldn't do it with a weak one. I suggest you run.

GummyBunting · 04/09/2015 12:51

*they're right

Iflyaway · 04/09/2015 12:52

As the mum of an adult son I am shocked at this!

As the girlfriend, I'd have raised eyebrows at these two instances...

Having to be in for dinner every night at the age of 27/28?? WTF...

Not daring to mention son's dad's name in the house. I actually have a photo of ex and me in the house, because as my son's father, he is 50% of him. never sees him but that's beside the point

You know right there this woman has ishoos...

Yes, do run. Your life will become a misery with her in it. it already is

As for wanting to move in with her son, words fail me.

featherandblack · 04/09/2015 12:54

Yes, unfortunately, you should most definitely run (and I say this as someone who didn't). If you like, you could let you partner know that you'd be happy to meet again if you are both free if and when he has worked through these issues.

TRexingInAsda · 04/09/2015 12:59

Run. If he's going to pull the rug from under you (like with the house hunting) every time his mum tells him to, then he's not as committed to this relationship as you are. Imagine having kids and he's putting his mum first - this will not end well.