Early stage of relationship and worried about mil with DP...would you run?

[whatsupdawg]

I just wanted advice on that really.

Met this guy 18 months ago today, and we've seen each other literally every weekend since then. Talked about moving in etc seems to be going well. But I sense thins are strange between him and his mum and after reading threads on here about nightmare mils and mummys boys, I wanted to get some perspective. Will call her 'mil' just because its easier.

firstly, the thing that prompted me to post was that on another thread, someone had mentioned mil suggesting moving in with her son, and everyone thought that was shocking...well thats exactly what mil did when dp mentioned the prospect of us moving in next year! this was the first 'red flag,' i guess.

secondly, mil has a rule that we cant talk about her ex husband in front of her or any of her friends and family. obviously sometimes he has to be mentioned (ie birthday, 'we are going to see dad'). but dp is very (weirdly) scared of mentioning him in front of her. he even reminds me every time we visit not to mention him in conversation - easy enough to do, dont get me wrong, so i dont mention him. mil and ex husband have been divorced 22 years, hes met someone else, she hasnt.

mil has called dp crying many times.she seems to do this when she thinks we arent together ie anytime i have ever been with DP on a Thursday or a sunday night when she thinks i wont be around. she will tell him she has no friends and that she is 'alone.' there are always new hospital appointments been made and then nothign comes of them. maybe i am being cynical... it is just something i have picked up on.

the thing that has bothered me most is that last monday we went to look at a new place to move to, both very excited. last night, dps phone rings and he takes the call in another room. an hour later he comes back and says hes not sure about moving in as his mumthinks it is too soon and she thinks he should live on his own for a while before thinking about living with me (he currently lives with housemates). this has shocked and upset me. mil has never been particularly nice or nasty to me - shes not my typical person i would be friends with, but ive never been anything but lovely to her.

i questioned dp on this and he said he thinks she is right... strange because HE was the one who wanted to move in sooner, and i said lets wait until january when we have been together nearly 2 years, rather than 18 months. it has made me question everything. dp is 28 years old, i feel angry that his mother is even involved.

should i run?

You really do need to pay heed here and leave this man.

Her son is her narcissistic supply. She will never let him be his own person and he is too much in fear, obligation and guilt to actually realise that he is being emotionally abused by his mother. It may well always be the case; this never ends well for the girlfriend of such a man.

She sounds very lonely .

Showing him this thread will likely not make any difference at all; he could well accuse you of airing such matter in public. You need this particular outlet to remain yours.

he will try and make it better if i say i want to leave. and i will want to stay

Yes I get that, but words are cheap and the only way he could even begin to address this would be to have a very hard conversation with his mother. I doubt he'll do it - more likely he'll promise to say something then avoid the issue, or worse still lie to you about their conversation

Sadly, men like this rarely deal with the problem; they just placate whoever shouts loudest, so unless you want to spend years in some fruitless competition there's just no point in going on

Oh and yes, I'd tell him the reason once you've definitely decided to split. It won't make any difference but at least you'll feel you've done your best by him and been honest

Princess Marcheline,

I guess you have never met a narcissist.

There is a reason such women like OP's man mother are so called "lonely" PM; its because they are emotionally abusive and have a huge sense of ownership and entitlement over their sons. Also OP has gone out of her way to be nice to this woman.

They do not have friends because they do not want them. Men also who are married to such women tend to be either narcissistic themselves or are long gone; narcissistic women are incapable of properly having any real long term relationships. A man who stands up to his wife will not be tolerated for long, or will not find his life tolerable for long, and will either leave or be kicked out. Narcissists simply don’t have healthy and functioning relationships, and so there is either no relationship, or a dysfunctional and enabling one.

I'm always surprised at how many posters suggest showing threads to the people causing them grief. In nearly all cases it's a bad idea. In some cases it's a very bad idea.

Princess, are you the MIL? She might be lonely but that doesn't mean she's not messing up her son's chance of a healthy and happy relationship. Her loneliness is a separate issue.

OP, I wouldn't advise anyone to show their partner a thread online about them - it will always backfire.

Like the others, I think you should run. I wouldn't tell him the reasons why face to face as he won't be listening, he'll be trying to solve the problem by thinking up solutions eg "We'll move in tomorrow!" Tell him it's over but give him a letter outlining all the reasons why you can't be involved with him. Remind him why his previous relationship ended. Tell him it will happen again and again until he separates himself from his mum. It will be incredibly hard for him to do, but that is something only he can do.

nauticant, I agree, and it could be downright dangerous in some cases. A person who is behaving unreasonably to start with is hardly going to be thrilled that their behaviour has been pulled to pieces by a bunch of strangers on the internet and decide to turn over a new leaf!

She sounds very lonely
She sound feckin' toxic!!!
There's a reason she has no friends.
They've all run a mile from her narcissistic, toxic crap.
You should too OP.
It's gonna be hard for you but you know you need to do it.
I shudder to think what would happen if you had kids together.

I'm afraid my cynical view is that some people recommend showing the thread in order to cause a drama which spectators can then enjoy in the consequent update.

I'm sure you're right in some cases Some people don't think further than the next bunfight

The MIL wouldn't be an insurmountable problem if your boyfriend saw the problem and had sensible boundaries with her.

If he can't even see the dysfunction, even after a previous relationship ended over it, it doesn't bode well.

"when i tell my dp it isnt right, it pushes him closer to mil as he feels he must protect her. i really cannot win".

He has made his loyalty and priority - his nightmare mother - clear to you in lots and lots of ways. He doesn't see the problems or plan to change his behaviour. You are not his priority. Living together and perhaps eventually DC wouldn't change that.

IMO you should end the relationship and tell him why then give him a wide berth for a long time. You never know, he might see it and get therapy and change things: more likely not.

muskup your honeymoon story sounds exactly like an old Steptoe film I watched at Christmas

"do i tell him why? or just say it isnt working?"
You were planning to move in with this man, to spend your lives together. So yes, I think you should tell him why. You might have to couch it in terms he can take on board, maybe -

• I don't think, even at 28, you're able to emotionally commit to me.
• I don't think you can emotionally commit to anyone while you remain so commited to your mother.
• I don't think your mother is able or willing to let you move on with your life.
• You don't see anything strange in the idea of your mother wanting to move in with you when you mentioned moving in with me.

And maybe try and leave him with the thought - 'when your mother, after a long and fulfilling life, dies of old age, as we all must - what then for you? You will have sacrificed the opportunity of a partner and children, and she will then be gone and you will be completely alone. Is that what you want for your future? Is that what she wants for you? Maybe you should ask her how she sees your future.'

Where that's a good way to put it if it's spelled out to him he may detach but I think probably best for him to do that without you OP. You will have a problem mil forever - and the consequences can be read in relationships for weeks

Run like the wind.

WhereYouLeftIt is spot on.

Tell him the truth, but don't tell him with the least bit of expectation that he will change for you. You are doing a fellow human being a favour by telling him, but that's all there is to it. He probably won't really 'hear you', but perhaps this will be the first in a long string of women who tell him the same thing. Maybe he'll listen to someone, eventually.

Just be very glad that you are getting out of the relationship relatively unscathed.

his last relationship ended because he was still living with his mum and he had to be there for dinner etc and gave absolutely no effort or loyalty to his ex.

Whoa.

Run like wind, girl.

She has her talons deep into him. If you'd like to know what life will be like in ten years time, take a look through some of the threads here to see what treats are in store - mil barging into delivery room, demanding overnight access to days old grandchild, poking round your house when you're not there and all manner of other delights.

Some women manage to cope with it, but all of those women have one thing in common - their dh is aware and stands with them. Unless he puts you first you have no chance.

Awful as it is, you need to sit him down for a serious talk. Don't show him this thread but maybe do show him some if the materials mentioned above. And if you do decide to leave, tell him why in no uncertain terms. he has an unhealthy relationship with his mother, and no sane woman will want to live with that.

amazing that posters have picke dup on the fact mil has no friends...i havent even mentioned that but it is 100% true!! i cannot count the number of times she has told us a new story of someone falling out with her. on one ocassion i actually said to dp do you think it's normal that she is like this and he said no... he actually agreed with me... this gave me hope. but it seems when it comes down to it he still cant detach properly and give me the proper respect as part of an adult relationship. so frustrating and i cant deal with the constant dancig around her anymore.

I think you know you need to end it.

He will always prioritise his mum over you.

If you want to give him a chance show him this & tell him you'll only move forward if he has counselling.

I wouldn't try to save or coach your partner to grow up. By all means explain. But he needs to grow up on his own. I did manage to pull it off with my Dh but only because there was no other option. I found that he went through a very teenage spell of free floating rage when he realised how he'd been played over the years, told what to think, disrespected and persuaded to give things up. I was a target because I was there. I also found that he instinctively looked for someone else to take responsibility for thinking about his life and ensuring his comfort-I couldn't be that person. Lastly it turns it into a tug of war between two women and almost justifies his mother's paranoia if you seem to be nagging him and causing trouble between them. All the things she will accuse you of will seem more plausible if you constantly seem to be opposing her. Far better for him to receive a good clear message that people walk away unless he really makes himself available and grows up. If this has happened before, he will surely have to reflect on the pattern that's emerging. At the moment he doesn't seem able to grasp how insensitive and disrespectful it is to renege on a decision without a second thought for the agreement that's been made. He needs to learn how to be worthy of your trust.

I cannot count the number of times she has told us a new story of someone falling out with her. on one ocassion I actually said to dp do you think it's normal that she is like this and he said no

And here's the thing: even if he really accepted there was something wrong with her approach he'd see it as his responsibility to protect her from the fallout. Awww poor mummy, it's just how she is - she doesn't realise how it sounds - people take her the wrong way and so on and so on

Sound familiar, perhaps?

Just followed the link to the definition of covert incest.
Does anybody know if that is restricted to opposite sexes - or could it apply to a mother and daughter?