Concerns about DD relationship. Not pregnant but has agreed with DP that will abort if it were to happen

[rhapsodyinblues]

I have NC'd for this.

DD is in a stable relationship with Her boyfriend. They are both 23 and met at university. They have been together nearly 2 years. DD has just graduated but is unsure what she wants to do yet and BF has another year to go before graduating. She says she will look for a temporary job until BF graduates.

DP has bought a house jointly with his parents where he and my DD live. There is no mortgage (it's in a northern city). Originally I was going to buy half of the house so my DD and BF would own it jointly but I pulled out at the last minute as their relationship was going through a rocky patch and I had some concerns that BF might be a bit controlling. Also, that my DD should not be tied to a house and a city when she hadn't made any career plans.

There was a big falling out after i effectively threw BF out of my house as he seemed to be upsetting her when she was working for her Finals, although I was reconciled to DD within a couple of days. I met with BF at the graduation and he came to the family meals etc and all seemed to be fine - and still is. BF said I'd got him all wrong and DD is very much in love and is happy that all is well. She comes home a lot and we are close.

I have learned my lesson. I am standing back and will be very careful not to be critical of BF again. However. I am a bit worried about 2 things DD has recently told me. The first is that BF can't possibly be controlling as they have agreed to have an open relationship. The second is that they don't want to start a family right now and DD will have an abortion if she were to become pregnant.

The thing is that DD is a committed vegan. She won't even eat a hen's egg so I can't imagine her opening a conversation along the lines of 'if we have a baby we will abort it'. Is this normal? I can see that couples would discuss whether or not to have a family and when but isn't this a bit unusual? My DD said they'd 'had the talk' as though it were normal. Is it?

Also, because she doesn't want chemicals in her body she is apparently trying to prevent pregnancy through natural methods by taking her temperature etc. I have urged her to opt for a more reliable method and said that I would never judge anyone for having an abortion but that it is a very hard decision. She seemed to take this on board.

However, I am back to worrying again. I know it is not really my business but equally if it all goes wrong with BF she will be relying on us to help and support her and I just hate to see her hurt.

Has anyone else gone through this as I know I may be worrying unnecessarily and I can't discuss this with anyone in RL.

I remember your threads and think it is abusive relationship.

I disagree with your view that she is taking care of her mental health through self care, it sounds like she definitely needs professional help and if she's not seeking it (or seeking work or seeing friends) that's a concern.

Why, despite all the evidence that he is very bad for her, do you keep saying weak negatives like "I can't quite warm to him" and "I hope I'm wrong" and were even thinking of encouraging the relationship by investing in a house? You might need to be cautious about what you say about him to DD but not to yourself or friends. In your shoes I would thoroughly dislike him and be entirely honest about that with dh, friends and other DC.

Have you or her sisters spoken to her about the sexual health aspects of his idea for an "open relationship"?

What if she got pregnant but did not, in the event, wish to abort?

Seems quite a likely scenario.

I wouldn't give her any more money, not even for her phone or car, on the basis that she is only seeking work in her current location and of a specific (unspecified) type.

I also think you seem underconcerned about the non use of contraception, eg you talk about the "crunch time" being when her arsehole boyfriend graduates and wishes to travel. Crunch time could be this month, next month, when DD gets pregnant and could, if she decides to keep it, be tied to this loser for life with a DC, probably as a single parent.

I remember your threads. I think that all of your instincts are right and that he's controlling and awful.

I'm glad to hear you pulled out of the house though.

Duck, thanks for your comments. DD says that they are not seeing other people at the moment and I expect that she would know.

She has been seeing a therapist. I will encourage her to continue with this.

I pulled out of the house purchase when I realised that there were problems in the relationship.

I don't want to stop her phone or car in case she needs to get in touch or to come home.

My main concerns are that she should not become pregnant and i have emphasised that abortion is the individual's choice but is very difficult and that she should not put herself in that position; also, that she has put her career on hold for BF and has too much invested in the relationship.

Ma, I will try to find out more when she is next back.

Thanks Socks. I do sometimes doubt myself and wonder if I am imagining this or building it out of proportion. Maybe they are just young and not ready to be tied to one person or a house or whatever.

A lot of it seems to be living in La La land. I do have some feelings of guilt that I snatched DD's dream away, although the bigger part of me says that it's nonsense and that I should not be investing in a property with someone I have doubts about and where the relationship was going through a rocky patch and when DD hasn't got a job or any ties to the city in question.

Don't doubt your instincts. And it was definitely the right decision not to invest.

You didn't snatch her dream away - you refused to spend your hard earned money on enabling your adult daughter to stay in an abusive relationship .

As long as doesn't get PG, she has no ties to him . When she finally realises what he is like, she can walk away. It would be much harder if they owned a property together .

You did the right thing .

I have NC'd since last post.

DD came home last week, said she had been very stupid and she was pregant but had booked a termination. I said she must do what was right for her and that I would support her either way. I didn't say anything but that whatever the right decision would be the right decision for her, but that she should never have been put in that situation.

She said that it was what they had both decided, that it was very difficult but she felt that she had her whole life ahead of her and it wasn't the right time. She has just left uni and no job yet.

DD said that they had taken a risk once, but it was equally her fault. I did not say too much about the boyfriend only that this didn't improve my opinion of him, and that she was the one being put at risk as she was the one who would become pregnant not him. She said that he was very upset and kept saying sorry, and that he was a good person.

I said but if he will take risks with you, whom he is apparently cares for, he may take risks with someone else and you have given him express permission to have other relationships. I said that I had read of certain sexually transmitted diseases that could cause infertility. She did seem to take notice, but then she did last time, when I said she must find a more reliable form of contraception, but then didn't. She said she hadn't been with anybody else and I don't get any impression that she wants to. She had previously said it was a joint decision to have an open relationship but I am not at all sure that I believe this.

I gave her a lot of love and support whilst she was here and she was very clingy, almost as though she were a young child again. She went ahead with the termination last week, under general anaesthetic although it was early, 6 weeks, as she said that she could not bear to do it any other way.

She was a bit worried about going back to the house as she had been told to rest for 48 hours and the house is till like a building site, with no proper plumbing to have a bath etc, so I paid for a room in a decent hotel for the night, where of course boyfriend joined her. He went with her for the termination and says that he would have supported her if she had decide not to go ahead.

Nobody knows about this apart from me; not her father or sisters or his family. However, apparently she is going to be asked to sign a document to regularise her position in the house, so she cannot make any claims on it. If she had gone ahead with the pregnancy, the child would of course have had a claim on the house.

DD continues to be very clingy from a distance, and keeps texting me how much she loves and misses me. She says she is ok, but is very sad about it all.

I feel so helpless. I am crying as I write this. I was tidying up yesterday and came across some of her childhood toys and books and it was deeply painful. I keep telling myself to get a grip, but I am finding it difficult and I can't criticise him or say what I really think, as this will only upset DD more.

I just hope she will come home soon.

Thank you for all of your support which I have found immensely helpful (but please don't PM me as DH uses the same e-mail as I do).

I just don't know what to do and worry about her constantly.

Goodness me. I haven't got much advice, but didn't want this to go unanswered. Your worst fear has come true, and the only redeeming feature is that she's not taken a decision that will tie her to Lobster boy for life. I assume he came up with the signed document idea after she became pregnant? It shows his priorities.

It's unusual to have a surgical abortion at 6 weeks. Are you sure she wasn't further along and it wasn't a mutual decision, but one they'd argued about?
I'm also a bit dubious that she got pregnant the one and only time they took a risk.

You are limited in what you can do, except for impressing upon her the need for proper contraception, otherwise she could end up in exactly the same position in a few weeks/months time.

OP I'm so sorry for you & your daughter that this has happened.
I don't really have any advice as I've never been in this position. I think you need to (somehow) have a very serious conversation with her about sorting reliable contraception otherwise this will happen again!
I hope somewhere in the back of her mind she is starting to realise what an abusive relationship she is in!
It is must be heartbreaking to see your beautiful clever daughter with so many opportunities available to her putting herself in this situation. If she can't see the situation for what it is, then you need to work on damage limitation, no more pregnancies, no STIs etc. Maybe encourage her to get some counselling to deal with the abortion & discuss her relationship.

I remember your thread. What a nightmare. I don't know what more you can do to help her realise she's in an abusive relationship.