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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i am a 'mistress',,,,dont shout at me please

139 replies

faeriemum · 25/11/2006 18:31

i met my DP 3 years ago, there was an immediate attraction. i knew he was with someone though.
i was a few weeks preggers at the time (no longer with father) ...
nothing happened for 2.8 years, we talked alot as he works on the buses so i saw him most days......he asked me 4 months ago to go to the cinema with him...i was very flattered and really liked him, so i went.........we started an affair.... i love him more then anyone i have ever known.....and he tells me he feels the same....all the time!
he is living with his partner and has sworn there is no romance there and have not slept with her for over a year......
...he was telling me he was moving in before christmas......its got closer and no sign of it.......he told me he was going to talk with her last night because he'd had enough and wanted to be with me............that didnt happen...
he 'cant' talk to me weekends because she's always around........i really hate the hiding and cant emotionally take anymore.
i've told him this and he begged me to hold on for just a while longer because he cant be without me.......i do believe he loves me.....but feel its all too much.
i love him , and am very scared of not being 'with' him......do i give him altermatem (sp?) , hold on or end it?

OP posts:
Fattymumma · 26/11/2006 13:27

Well done.

I know it doesn't feel to great right now but this is the best thing you culd have done for youa nd your son.

Your have shown your better than him and your worth more than a part time lover.

Get dressed and take you little boy to the park.
leave your phone at home and lock teh fornt door.

Wipe his number from your phone and your memory, this man no longer exists in you life.

im really proud of you (which is wierd as i hadn't even spoken to you before last night) you have made a decision that is strong.....please stick to it

maturer · 26/11/2006 15:39

cake and eat it!!!!!!!
and he's making a fool of you!
he's got the "how to cheat on your other half" manual and is using every tip in there honey...they have no children and yet he's still with her!!!!!!that speakes voluumes, have some self respect don't let him treat you like a doormat...find someone who will respect you and you alone.

By the way his next "tip" is to break down in tears, say he can'r live without you, say you make him feel alive...and as for still living with her and no sex.....no one is that naive honey!!!

ameli · 26/11/2006 19:53

fet rid of him...he isd making you so unhappy.

lou33 · 26/11/2006 20:01

It's a standard line. There is a married man in my village who is always trying to get me to have a fling with him, even when my bloke is about/when exh and i were still together. He says exactly the same thing about the last time him and his wife had sex.

He said it to me on friday. My reply to him?

Bollocks.

They tell you what they think you want to hear i'm afraid. And if he has no kids then he doesnt really have much of an excuse to stay with her if he says he loves you

MistressMiggins · 26/11/2006 20:26

men always say they dont have sex
its not true

by the way, for any men reading this thread, if a woman says it, its probably true

NappiesGaloreQueenofFaffing · 26/11/2006 20:30

on basis of OP - do you really need to ask?

you are a mug to believe a word out of his mouth. you dont really believe it, so why are you tying yourself up in knots about it. get a grip and end it.

wannaBe1974 · 26/11/2006 21:12

the way I would think about it is this.

If this man left his partner to be with you, how would you honestly feel about that? How would it make you feel to know that you had been the cause of a relationship break-up, because even if the man was in the unhappiest of relationships, if he hadn't left before, and had only left once you came on the scene, then you have had a part in that relationship break-up.

also

could you ever completely trust him? If he went out of an evening without you, can you honestly say you wouldn't wonder where he was? who he was with? what he was doing?

He's done it before, how could you be sure he wouldn't do it again?

Stay strong, and if he comes round, show him this thread.

good luck

Original poster
faeriemum · 27/11/2006 12:57

he's messaged to tell me that he will and i quote " let me know in the morning if he is packing his stuff for us to be together "

im wondering if this is to the wrong person...is he playing mind games??

OP posts:
Original poster
faeriemum · 27/11/2006 13:01

ps: i decorated the whole living room yesterday....am proud of myself

OP posts:
wannaBe1974 · 27/11/2006 13:03

fm, do you think there could perhaps be someone else besides you and his live-in girlfriend?

NAB3 · 27/11/2006 13:05

If he wanted to be with you full time, he would.

HuwEdwards · 27/11/2006 13:06

FM - have just read this whole thread.

His last message to you is his way of not letting you end it. He is stringing you along.

In your shoes, i would reply 'don't bother, you had 2 years of chances, and now you've blown it.'

NAB3 · 27/11/2006 13:12

Just read through all the other messges. I agree, delete his number, change the locks so you don't have to be bothered getting the key back/worrying about if he will come round and give your self some time. You deserve better and don't settle for second best again!

Original poster
faeriemum · 27/11/2006 13:13

he's just turned me all upside down again, do i wait and see if he leaves tomorrow or tell him to just leave me alone?
i do love him.....although i really dont think he'll leave..ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OP posts:
Mellowma · 27/11/2006 13:14

Message withdrawn

snowleopard · 27/11/2006 13:17

Don't take him back.

Try to see this as you creating a vacancy - you are not losing out, because all you're losing is a weak man who has never prioritised you and if he ditches his DP, will just end up two-timing you like he did her. Instead you're gaining something - peace of mind, an end to the agony of waiting and wanting, and a chance for a good man to come into your life and give you the relationship you deserve.

Get rid of him and celebrate. yes you'll miss him, yes you felt loved, but it was an illusion and you're better making space for the real thing.

Well done you.

Carmenere · 27/11/2006 13:18

What he is doing is trying to give you hope, because hope is what has kept you where he wants you for 2 years.
There is no other option than to dump him because even if he did leave her today and came to live with him, how are you not going to resent him for the rest of your life for putting dog/jeeps/bikes before you because this it what he has done.
He's a loser, you are much much better off without him, keep strong!!!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/11/2006 13:20

Dont reply to him faeriemum. If he is going to do what he says he is - then he'll turn up on your doorstep.

Nice of him to let you know..... What does he need to consider here anyway - unless he is has been talking bollocks for the last 18 months or however long it is. Quelle surprise.

IF by some miracle he does turn up on your doorstep.....turn him away. You arent there to shack him up whilst he gets his feet on the ground. Tell him he has to find somewhere else to live whilst he earns your trust.....dont count on it happening though...

well done on decorating your lounge!

munz · 27/11/2006 13:21

FM - he's playing mind games yes - I knwo you love him but you really do deserve so much more, it's not a case of him letting you know if he's packing his stuff, it should be you saying don't bother or why you're not welcome here any more.

seems to me like he might talk to the g/f and depending on her answer depends on what he'll do - I know that makes me sound mean but honestly girl you're better off without him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2006 13:23

faeriemum,

re your comment:-
"he's just turned me all upside down again, do i wait and see if he leaves tomorrow or tell him to just leave me alone?
i do love him.....although i really dont think he'll leave..ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

You just tell him to leave you the hell alone!!.

What's there to love about him exactly?. He has made you deeply unhappy and you are his bit on the side. He has kept you exactly where he wants you - you were basically flattered and chatted up over time by him so that he could have what he wants from you i.e sex. Am sorry to say this but I do not think you have any idea currently what a healthy and normal relationship is. It certainly is not this mess.

lulumama · 27/11/2006 13:26

he's going to let you know if he is packing

he is stringing you along. again.

take the upper hand and tell him to not bother you again.

move on ,

it will only lead to more heartache.

Tutter · 27/11/2006 13:28

QV right

if you're really meant to be together he'll wait

he'll leave her and he'll get himself sorted and he'll prove it to you

but i'm sorry to say i don't think this will happen

jeep and diabetes - wtf?

my brother is diabetic - can't recalling anything particularly tragic happening to him whenever he was dumped

MascaraOHaraIncredibleSheHulk · 27/11/2006 13:29

Will let you know if he's leaving?? that probably means that they have issues and if she agrees to sort herself out he'll stay, otherwise he'll leave her for you so that then she'll say "OK I'll let you shag me up the bum as long as you come back to me" sorry but it does sound like he's going to use you as a pawn

MascaraOHaraIncredibleSheHulk · 27/11/2006 13:30

oh sorry lots of x-posts

WigWamBam · 27/11/2006 13:30

He's trying to put himself back in control, and you mustn't let that happen. It's not up to him to decide what happens next, it's up to you.

Stay strong, tell this low-life that you neither want nor need him in your life anymore. Because you don't.