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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i am a 'mistress',,,,dont shout at me please

139 replies

faeriemum · 25/11/2006 18:31

i met my DP 3 years ago, there was an immediate attraction. i knew he was with someone though.
i was a few weeks preggers at the time (no longer with father) ...
nothing happened for 2.8 years, we talked alot as he works on the buses so i saw him most days......he asked me 4 months ago to go to the cinema with him...i was very flattered and really liked him, so i went.........we started an affair.... i love him more then anyone i have ever known.....and he tells me he feels the same....all the time!
he is living with his partner and has sworn there is no romance there and have not slept with her for over a year......
...he was telling me he was moving in before christmas......its got closer and no sign of it.......he told me he was going to talk with her last night because he'd had enough and wanted to be with me............that didnt happen...
he 'cant' talk to me weekends because she's always around........i really hate the hiding and cant emotionally take anymore.
i've told him this and he begged me to hold on for just a while longer because he cant be without me.......i do believe he loves me.....but feel its all too much.
i love him , and am very scared of not being 'with' him......do i give him altermatem (sp?) , hold on or end it?

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 25/11/2006 19:10

I agree with everyone. There's a book out called something like "he's just not that into you" and I gather its premise is that if he hasn't called you it's because he doesn't want to! It's as simple as that. I've always known this really, if a man wants to be with you he will be and if he won't leave his wife/gf then, er, he doesn't want to!

Has he said any of the following too?

"my wife/gf doesn't understand me"
"It's different with you"
"I'm just waiting for x y z to happen before I leave (that'll be the jeep/dog combo"
"we don't have sex" ( a friend of mine believed her lying scumbag married lover on this one until she found out the wife was pregnant, it became pretty hard for him to lie about it at this point and yes, it was a friend, not me)

All lies. Dump him. You wouldn't feel lonely in a proper relationship with a decent man, I promise. And even if he did leave her and move in with you, would you trust him? Really? Ask yourself this question very seriously indeed. Personally, I wouldn't.

fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 25/11/2006 19:11

Goodness, he must live near you...

good luck pet xxx

BrummieMomInMerthyr · 25/11/2006 19:11

thinking of you .........

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/11/2006 19:12

Good luck indeed

foxinsocks · 25/11/2006 19:13

poor you xx

just beware that once you tell him it's over, he may well double his efforts with you (once he starts realising he can't actually have his cake and eat it)

I think if you could see it as a bit on the side it would be another thing - but if you actually love him and he means something to you, then it's definitely worth giving him his marching orders if he's not delivering the goods.

Original poster
faeriemum · 25/11/2006 19:17

he's not here....im shaking , i have felt angry at the situation for along while, tonight i just needed to be told what i already thought

OP posts:
CunningMaloryTowers · 25/11/2006 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrummieMomInMerthyr · 25/11/2006 19:19

oh no! nevermind, i'm sure he'll turn up.

fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 25/11/2006 19:28

Any sign of him yet fm?

Original poster
faeriemum · 25/11/2006 19:29

no nothing , i dont know whats worse...him coming or nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
faeriemum · 25/11/2006 19:31

feeling abit actually

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 25/11/2006 19:31

you know we'll be here when he's gone, he's not worth it, if he's not willing to leave her and shout from the roof tops that hes with u then hes not worth your time.

i was in a relationship when i met my dp and i still slept with him, to be fair it was an abusive relationship and i really was trying to get out it was hard, from the first time i slept with dp i didn't sleep with my ex again but i couldn't end it as soon as i wanted (it took me a couple of months in the end)
this is not to say i can't be faithful though, i've been with my dp now for about 5 years and will never cheat on him he is the love of my life.

Twiglett · 25/11/2006 19:33

playing power games now

so you want him to come over? why? just end it .. just say its over I don't want to see you again do not contact me again

then do not sit on tenterhooks waiting for the 'puppet master' to deign to arrive .. he has already proved to you that you are not worthy of him leaving his partner for

but you are worthy of much more

so get rid of him and have a cry and get on with your life

Original poster
faeriemum · 25/11/2006 19:33

i know he got the message because my phone tells me when its been recieved

OP posts:
lulumama · 25/11/2006 19:34

agree with twig

send him a message ending it. then it is done .
and you can move on

Original poster
faeriemum · 25/11/2006 19:35

i said 'actions speak louder then words, im not doing this anymore, you know where i am and your not here'

OP posts:
Original poster
faeriemum · 25/11/2006 19:44

maybe he's leaving her now, its not like him to ignore me

OP posts:
Blandmum · 25/11/2006 19:47

I wouldn't get your hopes up!

And if he does how will you ever trust him not to do the same to you.

2 years is a hell of a long time to take to make your mind up, and a shed load of lies and deceit!

WideWebWitch · 25/11/2006 19:47

Er no, he's not replying because he's WITH HIS WIFE! And I think that says it all really, he doesn't want her to find out so that proves he doesn't want to leave her or her to kick him out.

WideWebWitch · 25/11/2006 19:48

Or girlfriend or whatever she is. Anyway, he's with her and not you on this Sat night.

tribpot · 25/11/2006 19:52

But if he won't leave her because of a dog, I can't see him leaving because of a single sentence text message, to be honest. If he's out with his partner (and why wouldn't he be) he won't be able to reply immediately.

Btw, I don't know if this is unduly harsh, but he can't be your "d" "p" if he is living with someone else. (Oh just noticed ghosty said the same thing). He's not yours.

I'm sorry you've ended up in this situation, it's clearly very upsetting for you.

tribpot · 25/11/2006 19:53

Sorry - not a dog! Much more important .. a jeep

I will say my dh has a bloody useless sportscar I am not allowed to sell, I would almost laugh if he were using that as an excuse to stay with me!

lulumama · 25/11/2006 19:54

he has no real excuse to be out of the house and not with his wife then......just draw a line under it...easier said than done and move on

he is not leaving..he is hoping you won;t stop letting him having his cake and eating it...

Fattymumma · 25/11/2006 19:54

he isn't leaving her, he is thinking "oh shit, now what do i say"

when he has finally thought of a good enough excuse he will ring you with "sorry babe i was XYZ"

your too good for him, why should you share your man with anyone else? your worth a man who wants to be with your...ONLY you.

as someone else said, it will hurt, you will cry but we will be here and in a fewmonths when your ready you can start lookign for mr Right not mr Ok for a shag but dont ring me at home.

stay string hun and you know where we are

Tinker · 25/11/2006 19:56

Text saying "goodbye" and the delete his number. Easier said than done but you will feel so good about that in 3/6 months time