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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i am a 'mistress',,,,dont shout at me please

139 replies

faeriemum · 25/11/2006 18:31

i met my DP 3 years ago, there was an immediate attraction. i knew he was with someone though.
i was a few weeks preggers at the time (no longer with father) ...
nothing happened for 2.8 years, we talked alot as he works on the buses so i saw him most days......he asked me 4 months ago to go to the cinema with him...i was very flattered and really liked him, so i went.........we started an affair.... i love him more then anyone i have ever known.....and he tells me he feels the same....all the time!
he is living with his partner and has sworn there is no romance there and have not slept with her for over a year......
...he was telling me he was moving in before christmas......its got closer and no sign of it.......he told me he was going to talk with her last night because he'd had enough and wanted to be with me............that didnt happen...
he 'cant' talk to me weekends because she's always around........i really hate the hiding and cant emotionally take anymore.
i've told him this and he begged me to hold on for just a while longer because he cant be without me.......i do believe he loves me.....but feel its all too much.
i love him , and am very scared of not being 'with' him......do i give him altermatem (sp?) , hold on or end it?

OP posts:
Original poster
faeriemum · 25/11/2006 20:00

yes i now dont think he will come round or call....and if he calls its like fattymumma said...because he's thought up an excuse....

OP posts:
Original poster
faeriemum · 25/11/2006 20:00

thankyou for all being here

OP posts:
dorisofdevon · 25/11/2006 20:30

FM have to agree with all that's been said so far stay strong, not easy when he does turn up and he prob will as he won't want to give up his "cake" that easily.

But do this for you and your child it will be difficult but you can then move on and when the time's right (normally when you're not looking ) find Mr Right {{{{{big hug}}}}}}

fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 25/11/2006 20:30

We'll be here for you. Please, do as someone suggested, delete his number, that way you won't be tempted.

expatinscotland · 25/11/2006 20:32

'he is living with his partner and has sworn there is no romance there and have not slept with her for over a year...... '

This is a classic line.

Of bullshit.

You can do better than this.

The best 'ultimatum' you can give is to yourself - to move on w/your life.

Now.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/11/2006 21:21

faeriemum.....

Everyone else has said it all. Well done for taking a step in the right direction.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/11/2006 21:21

faeriemum.....

Everyone else has said it all. Well done for taking a step in the right direction.

catsmother · 25/11/2006 23:41

I really can't say much more than what everyone else has said already.

However, my son's dad had at least 2 affairs (which I found definite proof of) plus there were various other 'incidents' which didn't add up. I know - because I found letters, that my ex had told one of his women (and probably both of them) that we had no sex life blah blah blah. Yet we had a regular sex life of 3 times a week or so, we went out together regularly, rarely rowed, went on holiday together and for weekends away. I had no idea he was unhappy because he never told me and there was no outward indication of that being the case.

After I kicked him out his affair fizzled out and he spent a long time feeling very sorry for himself while I got on with my life. I suspect had I not kicked him out, he'd never have gone. He was one of the "having his cake and eating it" brigade ..... sounds like this man is the same.

I hope you have the strength to say no more to this man. He sounds like a user and you'll never be able to trust him.

Original poster
faeriemum · 26/11/2006 08:40

he didnt show up, didnt answer me....am feeling strong, angry and fragile at alternating minutes....
well there you go, his words meant nothing...i thought i was so lucky to have found someone who 'loved' me the way he said he did.....yes i see now that he would have been with me long ago if that was the case.....
thanks for the advice last night, you gave me enough courage to do it...........
i will keep myself and my little boy busy today....i WILL get dressed, i WILL eat and i WILL finish painting the living room.........(maybe not the last one)

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 26/11/2006 08:42

Be strong fm and enjoy your day with your boy. He may well ring later and you need to be ready then.

Blandmum · 26/11/2006 08:46

fm, if he phones or contacts you practice this phrase 'Fuck off you knob! Go and shag your Jeep if it means that much to you!' Imagine him shaging the exhaust pipe of his Jeep, an image that makes him the out and out tosser that he is!

Keep that image in your mind.....you don't want to be with a tosser like that, do you? And he will lie, there will be some 'emergency' he had to deal with. He is lying, how will you know? His mouth will be moving!

Tell him to fuck off, and mean it!

grumpyfrumpy · 26/11/2006 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepfinder · 26/11/2006 09:17

I think it will be painful for you but if you can end it and walk away and not have anything more to do with him, you will at least have a chance to get over it and meet someone who is available to get involved.

He's been leading a dual life - and I've heard so many times about guys who have two partners (one who knows, the other who doesn't) and actually that set up suits them quite well thank you very much, and when it comes to dividing it, they can't because they actually LIKE the duality.

good luck! it can't be a happy thing to do, stopping this relationship, but one you'll be glad you moved away from later

Original poster
faeriemum · 26/11/2006 09:35

had one text this morning: 'where has all this come from? if thats what you want ok'

OP posts:
Megglevache · 26/11/2006 09:44

Message withdrawn

Megglevache · 26/11/2006 09:45

Message withdrawn

Original poster
faeriemum · 26/11/2006 10:15

havent replied....diverted calls to voicemail......he has a door key, cant see that he'll come round but have locked door

OP posts:
JoolsToo · 26/11/2006 10:18

good for you!

well done

lulumama · 26/11/2006 10:26

'if that's what you want , ok'

so ,he;s really fought for you! think that says it all....good for you..you can stay strong and move on and find a man who can be there for you 24/7. not being shared.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/11/2006 10:34

Agree - if it was someone who cared and wanted to be with you they would have either been round like a shot, or at the very least - rang you to find out what it was all about.

You deserve better. Better than to have to "share" someone who clearly has no respect for women anyway.

You could be spending your time with a guy who is there for you.

nogoes · 26/11/2006 10:51

Dump him. He sounds like a drip. This time next year you will wonder what you ever saw in him.

nogoes · 26/11/2006 10:52

Sorry, I hadn't read all of the posts. Well done!

NotSoupyOhNoNoNoShesOnABreak · 26/11/2006 10:53

Well done, faeriemum. You deserve better than him.

Judy1234 · 26/11/2006 11:01

He will try to persuade you to change your mind. You will feel lonely and want him back. You mustn't take him back.
All the things he's said are classic lines. He will certainly be sleeping with his partner. If you feel particularly vindictive call her and ask her but I don't think that's fair. If you love each other I don't see a problem with you saying it's over face to face at a time he can fit in but it needs to be somewhere where he isn't able to persuade you otherwise like meet in a cafe not your house.

shebnem · 26/11/2006 11:19

agree with xenia....