A friend accused of DV - should I stop talking to him?

[DeeDeeR]

I'm a single mum of a 8 year old boy. I separated from my husband 3 years ago due to DV. I met a guy two months ago and we have become great friends. I'm slowly starting to see him as potential for something more but haven't shared this with him yet.

He separated from his wife in January 2015 after he woke up one morning to find her and their 2 year son gone. He then received an ex parte non-molestation order. His ex wife accused him of DV since their start of the relationship in 2007 and submitted photos of bruises that she took in 2012 ans 2013 (a nose bleed, what appears to be a black eye and bruises on the arm). She also submitted a tape recording of an argument between them where he can be heard pleading with her to stop seeing other men behind his back, to just leave him and that if she doesn't leave and continues to have affairs he'll assault her. Although no assault takes place in the recording. The recording was made by her in secret one week before she left him.

Believe it or not, he told me all this on the first day I met him at the pub. At the Non-molestation order hearing he denied the allegations of physical assault but admitted to making threats. He said that his wife had subjected him to emotional abuse shortly after their son was born after she told him that she didnt love him and wanted to leave. However, she didnt leave but carried on with the marriage. This caused tension between the two and she would often go out of her way to antagonise him and goad him about her seeing other men. They had heated arguments but he claims he never assaulted her. He told the judge that his wife met someone else and has set up so that she could end the marriage in a way that she could get full custody of their son and restrict contact.

The judge considered the evidence and made "No finding of fact" in regards to the allegations but upheld the order since she thought it was better they be kept apart for a year.

She repeated the DV allegations at the first child custody hearing in Feb 2015 and was offered a 'Fact Finding' however she turned it down citing that the abuse was only emotional and financial. So the judge ordered a social service report, where she then repeated the physical abuse again.

He then received another social service report in August 2015 recommending that his son have regular unsupervised access to him since the son clearly misses the father and is visibly upset when having to say goodbye to his dad when contact centre visits come to end.

Two days after the report his ex gets him arrested for allegedly assaulting her in 2009. She claims he smashed her head across a sink and then went on holiday with mates for 3 weeks. She then repeated all the allegations she made in the family proceedings to the police.

He is currently released on bail and is being investigated.

I know all this since he opened up to me and showed me all his and her court documents. He is self representing in court and is alone in all of this and in need of friends. He says he is innocent but I'm scared what if he's not. Then again, if he is innocent I dont want to walk away and ruin a relationship with a decent guy.

His ex wifes story just has too many holes in in:

• She's a solicitor, and if he had subjected her to DV since 2007 why report it only in 2015. Why didnt she leave.

• why did she wait to tell the police shortly after the social service report and a week before the final hearing

• why did she turn down a fact finding at the first hearing

Then again, he did threaten her but he has self referred to anger management courses and speaking to him he comes across as someone who is genuinely sorry for the threats and is seeking to address is.

I was subjected to DV during my marriage but the minute it happened I walked away. I know not all women are like this. Not sure if I should give him benefit of doubt or just walk away.

Do you live in a town with only two men, him and wild stinky old man McGee or something?

If not, maybe you need to look at why you are drawn to someone with this amount of drama attached to them.

I also find the fact that he chose to tell you this immediately very weird, like he "tests" women to work out who is willing to take him and his big fat mess of an emotional life on. Platonic friends get to know each other slowly.

Even assuming he is the wounded party in the relationship, why would you burden a stranger (which you were to him the 1st day you met) with all this shit if you're not a drama addict or looking for friends/lovers to "rescue" you?

Relationships are meant to enhance your life not be this much emotional hard work.

differentname,

Yes, there are no accurate statistics on false allegations in the family courts.

From my own experiences and several years of research, I would say that false allegations are frequently used by women in the family courts in order to frustrate or destroy the relationship between a loving parent and their child.

I am sure there are as many men making false allegations too, but in this scenario, it is more likely the mother that is trying to frustrate contact.

These cases are relatively rare when you take into account the amount of separating parents but in terms of cases that reach the family court then, yes, false allegations are frequently made.

I'm so sorry, but I've been here. I was here for 14 years. Lots of the women on this thread have first hand experience of this stuff, so please listen to their advice.

You've known this man 8 weeks. It's nothing. You know nothing about him, except, unbelievably, all about his car crash marriage and accusations of DV. Why do you even want him as a friend? Why do you need him as a friend? There are a million people out there who you could be friends with/make friends with/date who DON'T have this mess trailing in their wake. So why him?

I strongly suspect that you are indeed, a rescuer. You are attracted to him and want to help/fix him. But it's not healthy sweetheart. Not for you and especially for your son.

Please don't bring this chaos into your little boy's life - neither of you need it.

"if he is innocent I dont want to walk away and ruin a relationship with a decent guy."

You're not "in a relationship with a decent guy"

you're in a weird, over-dramatic situation with a man which most women would (rightly so) walk away from

If he needs emotional support there are sources available, he doesn't need a "female friend" to sort them out and plead on his behalf. If he had any genuine interest in you he'd sort out his issues then resume contact afterwards.

and you don't have a long-term friendship with this person - in fact your "friendship" started with him putting you into the rescuer role straight away..

.you need to look at why you are so socially and romantically desperate and how you can work on the rest of your life to change this.

he's admitting to x% of what he did- who ever admits to everything?

Sonnyson12 - you can't reject proper scientific research produced by universities and used by the government as 'inaccurate' and substitute your own opinion based on reading the Internet and being accused in your own court case. That is spectacularly dumb and in this case dangerous IMO.

I can't reject proper scientific research that isn't there. Can you link it?

Dangerous? Can you explain your opinion.

As I said before, you are encouraging a woman with a child not to heed a warning sign about a relationship she may enter.

I'm sure you have read the research in question during your own 'years of research' but by the sounds of it you are not willing to accept the conclusions of research if it doesn't match your own opinion. I'm not prepared to have an argument about it on this thread either.

So I would say, keep children out of it and remain friends whilst the drama plays out, otherwise they'll be even more drama.

Did you not read my post?

I have not read the research, I have read all the top solicitor/barrister family law blogs daily over the past six years and there has never been any mention of this study.

There was research from the CPS concluding that false allegations are rare, but that doesn't include false allegations in private law cases.

Why don't you link the research?

Of course I would be willing to consider research. It doesn't change the fact that the false allegations in my own case were shown to be fabricated.

You have told me to leave the thread and called me dumb and dangerous, whilst stating to have research to back up your own opinion that you refuse to link.

That appears to be rather controlling.

Here is a link discussing false allegations in the family court:

suesspiciousminds.com/tag/change-of-residence-as-a-result-of-false-allegations/

Would you advise every woman against entering a relationship with the father in the Rebecca Minnock case (those judgements are available online) because of her litany of false allegations?

The only advise I have offered the OP is to keep the children out of it and remain only friends whilst all the drama plays out.

Did I read correctly that the mother in this case is already with a new partner/engaged?

This is not the thread for this discussion. If you want to have this discussion start your own thread.

The thread is about the OP's friend facing false allegations in the family court. That is what I am discussing.

Where's your link?

You are being controlling.

This thread is making me shiver. Please cut contact with this man. He's no good at all. He tested you out with his bullshit and you passed with flying colours. I fear for you OP.

Why is this man no good at all?

Seems to me that the OP is being offered 2 main options on this thread

1/ he is lying and trying to build a relationship with her and prepping her for court as a character witness. (or more)

2/ He is the victim and she should stay away as it won't be worth the hassle.

sonny I am usually a very moderate poster. I'm not a man hater but the OP has been done up like a kipper here. It's not often that I fear for someone as much as I do for this OP. There are lots of men in this world who are kind and decent with no baggage like this. Run for the hills OP

I find the first option ridiculous in this case. The allegations that he is/has faced, it would be pointless and futile to try and prep someone you barely know as a character witness.

I know how devastating it is to be on the receiving end of repeated false allegations and how lonely a place it can be, never mind losing contact with your own child whilst an ex tries to cut you out of their lives in an attempt to try and play happy families with their shiny new unsuspecting victim.

Again, the only advice I would offer is to remain a platonic friend and see how it all pans out.

sonny why are you so invested in defending this man?

He's not reading the thread. This is a forum where women and men ask for advice on RELATIONSHIPS.

Everyone is advising the OP on the course of action to take for herself, and for the benefit of anyone reading the thread in a similar situation.

You don't need to take it so personally.

And you're reading the thread completely wrong; its not about a "friend facing false allegations in the family court".

This guy isn't like a childhood acquaintance. He is someone who appears to have recently latched onto the OP and passed all his troubles onto her. They don't have friends in common. The OP isn't a professional lawyer or campaigner.

This isn't an action movie or a rom-com, in which people meet in weird circumstances, have zany adventures together and are Proved Right against the bad guys.

I would EXACTLY say the same to a man who claims his new close female "friend" is someone he bumped into a bar with a sob-story and then seems unhealthily obsessed with sorting out her issues.

No-one is victim shaming here, but it shows something is off if someone chooses to deliberately share a shedload of issues and drama with a stranger when there are professional services available.

If you want to debate the finer points of law then there are places you could choose to do so.

sonny no-one is stopping you starting your own thread asking for support.

You're actually doing exactly the same thing as the man the OP has met - assuming it's some individual woman's responsibility to be your shining angel and sort out your loneliness and prove she's better than the ex-wife.

derxa,

Well, that's the reason I have not even considered entering a relationship whilst fighting my own case.

I just don't see how the OP has been 'done up like a kipper'.

I was completely alone during my case, I met people and told them my story as it was the only thing I could think about 100% of the time.

I don't think the OP has said he wanted a relationship, I thought she said that she was developing feelings?

Be a supportive friend but no more, and develop some firm boundaries.

"assuming it's some individual woman's responsibility to be your shining 'angel' and sort out your loneliness and prove she's better than the ex-wife"

Utter nonsense. I have advised OP to not enter a romantic relationship with this man at this time. I have said she can be a supportive friend if she wants.

Why on earth would I need support on here? My own case is done and dustied and my child and I 'won'.

There are not many options for support out there for men in this situation. I did self elected counselling/therapy throughout mine and stayed away from relationships.

I'm not trying to argue the finer points of family law, a PP said she had scientific research that false allegations are rare in the family courts and I disagree.

sonny You are not the man in this thread. Why are you identifying with him so strongly? None of us actually know the truth including the OP

..then start a service for supporting men, rather than encouraging women to assume it's their job, even when it puts their child at risk.

What exactly are you trying to prove here?

Do you want lots of women to go "oh hun ur are such a gd person sharing yr male perspective i never thought of that myself lol"?

So are you saying that women that have experience domestic abuse should never identify with a OP posting about experiencing domestic abuse.

None of us know the truth about anything written on here.

Why is ok to label him trouble and therefore must be avoided and state that allegations are rarely false.

Would it be acceptable to say every man should avoid entering a relationship with a woman that had experienced abuse?

The only man I'd want to talk to in this case would be the mothers new partner, to tell him to run for the hills.