She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

And this thread is going to be held up ad infinitum as a perfect example of double standards, irrational females, bitchiness and projection.

I have never posted on a thread like this but couldn't sit on my hands whilst such crazy perspectives were being voiced.

Bathtime what the actual fuck are you on about?

Are you reading the same thread? You need to stop projecting, it's getting tedious.

Or maybe his wife should get over her 'longing' for a baby and listen to her husbands reasons for not wanting one pull her head out her arse and realise he is doing the responsible thing!
Or is it a case on this 'mothers site' that she couldn't possibly be in the wrong what with being a mother and all that!

I'm on my phone so can't report atm, I presume that bathtime's posts have been reported to mn hq?

I can't see any need for that. She's entitled to her view, and has at least given me a worst case idea of what my poor wife is going through, which was one of my aims.

the OPs desire not to have them is based on logic relating to finances, time and resources

The op has said more than once that he cannot cope with having another child - so his argument is emotional as well as practical.

Would you tell a mother with PND that she had to have another child simply because her husband wanted one?

And this thread is going to be held up ad infinitum as a perfect example of double standards, irrational females, bitchiness and projection.

Hopefully people would read this thread and see that it's only two posters (mostly) who are like that. And they do not speak for me, or most other women, I'm sure.

I usually stay away too. I just find it difficult to contemplate how lacking in empathy and imagination people are :( it really is eye opening, not to mention frightening.

The wife's desire for a child is based on emotions and biological drivers. It is not logical, can't be rationalised; it's a fundamental human drive.
The OPs desire not to have them is based on logic relating to finances, time and resources.

1. The OP's wife has a child.
2. The OP states clearly that he is struggling to cope with the two children he already has. You might baldly reduce this to 'logic relating to finances, time and resources', MiddleAgedandConfused, but anyone with a shred of empathy would respect the feelings of a parent who feels they cannot manage another child.

Now you've come to a mother's site

Errrrr no Bath the op has come onto a parenting site, which is an open forum where 'shock horror' non parents even post.

Take a step away from the keyboard you are coming across as seriously vindictive and cruel and that is putting it mildly.

NumberTwelve you have been very restrained in your responses.

I don't think it's wrong to pay more than the CSA amount for your DC1, but you are being a little unfair by not acknowledging that you can only do that because your wife pays more into the joint account - if she earned less (perhaps reducing her hours to being 3 normal length days), then you would no longer be able to do that - you already said money is tight at the end of each month, which is partly because you are overpaying on CM. It doesn't mean you are wrong to do this, but it does seem that you haven't allowed your DW to be part of that decision - viewing your wage as "your money" and so she "has to" pay more into the joint account to cover a decision you've made.

Then you are particially blaming that financial decision on you not being able to have another DC with her, something she wants has to be sacrificed partly due to financal decisions you have made, and are only able to make because of the long shifts she is doing and her supporting your choices with your DC1.

There could be scope for her trying to get set shifts, employers do have to consider things like set shifts for people with caring responsibilties (and having a disabled step child should mean that they would have to consider putting her on set 3 days so you can work your access on the other 2 nights). If that was possible, it would take the pressure off you in the evenings when you have DS, as she would be around to look after the younger 2, if DS wasn't there at the same time, do you think you could cope with 2 younger DCs when she was working?

Even if you do'nt go for another DC, it could be worth asking if she can investigate set shifts rather than changing ones so that you can get a break noW - would it be a lot easier if you never had both your DS and DD at the same time alone? If you could start to feel you are coping more now, then the idea of adding an additional child into the mix might not seem so terrifying.

It's only really two posters that have been vitriolic. There are plenty that have disagreed with some/all of the process but have attempted to be constructive. It's certainly been a more than worthwhile discussion for me, and I'm grateful to all.

I hope so Koala. There were 2 very vocal posters but lots of others who agreed as well including some who said they'd leave their partner if he didn't agree. Wonder how they would explain that to their existing children.

This thread really does highlight how ignorant people are about caring for a child (or adult) with a severe disability. It's really shocking

I think to some extent that is true, however, I have a child with a very severe and complex disability and I still feel sorry for the OPs wife. OP doesn't have his disabled child 24-7, he has him a couple of nights each week which I would imagine is far less stressful than caring for him full time every single day. Some People are talking about respite but both biological parents are already providing each other with significant respite (which amounts to more respite time than most families with disabled DC get from the authorities).
I get the impression that OP really doesn't want any more children and that this would be the case regardless of whether one had a disability or not. Otherwise he would be trying to find a solution which enabled him to have another child with his wife whilst caring adequately for their existing children (shift pattern changes etc).
I just don't think he is being honest with himself about his reasons - the ones he gave about not wanting less money or less free time seem more honest.

I get that you say you can't cope.

It's just those reasons why you can't cope seem like they could be changed, to help you cope better.

I really urge to to think if there is a way you can do this, to suggest changes to your wife.

E.g. You would consider it if you could make the finances work, she helped with DS, changed her shifts, made sure you had an annual holiday etc.

If not, if there is NOTHING which could make this happen, no matter how much extra money or help your wife gives, then you have to say that.

You just don't want another child. Full stop.

1. The OP's wife has a child.
So once you have had a child your need for a second is not valid?

2. The OP states clearly that he is struggling to cope with the two children he already has.
But he is coping. It's may be hard, but he is coping. There's no mention of SS or outside help.

And I am not saying who is right or wrong - just that this is a clash of completely opposing perspectives. One of them has to put the other first or the marriage will end.

Super I have the same feeling as you.

Who are the two posters?

I'm concerned I'm being classed as one because I don't agree with op and cos of my fuck up (still very sorry) earlier in the thread.

What's post-splitting Maryz?

I'm concerned I'm being classed as one because I don't agree with op and cos of my fuck up (still very sorry) earlier in the thread.

No I don't think you are

Bathtime and the one who refers to herself as an idiot in her NN.

Not you, slithytove

So once you have had a child your need for a second is not valid

No-one NEEDS a second child.

But OP you still havene't addressed the issue of what happens if your wife does not accept your decision and decides to take her chances with someone else. Have you discussed this with her? How is she feeling now? Would you really rather lose her than work out a way to make is possible for her to have another child with you?

So once you have had a child your need for a second is not valid?
Lets start of, no-one 'needs' a child. And actually yeah, if she hadn't had a child with the OP and he'd decided no then I think this would be a completely different scenario. But they do have a child. He hasn't denied her a child.

But he is coping. It's may be hard, but he is coping. There's no mention of SS or outside help
What's your point? So for someone to say no sorry I'm already struggling, they have to be at absolute breaking point, is that what you're saying? He's STRUGGLING. WHY would he made it any harder for himself and in turn his children. The whole point of admitting you're struggling is to find help and prevent further struggle.