DH left me 6 weeks ago... Now wanting me back but I fear I've moved on :(

[dreamingofmynextsleep]

Afternoon.. I feel right now I have no idea where to turn. I need some anonymous advice :(

I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1.
He has always been the life and sole of a party until the last few years. He has slowly fallen into a depression.
Since October last year, he has been horrendous. I've had to walk on eggshells, wake daily not knowing what he was in, deal with the looks and the comments that, granted some days he didn't realise he had even made, but still they were cutting.
Sexually, I have always been highly sexed - 2/3 times a day is good for me whereas he is more like that a month. I never really took much notice and thought all would be ok.. But I've never orgasmed with him. Ever. He was always a little selfish as a lover - he would never willingly reciprocate. I always had to ask.
Since his depression has become terrible.. It's almost like I've had to guilt trip him into sleeping with me.. Which is the most degrading thing ever.

I feel like I lost who I was. I had to dampen who I was to support him. I haven't felt like a woman in a long time and I feel super unattractive :(

6 weeks ago I came home to a letter asking me to leave. He stated he couldn't make me happy and that I needed to find someone who could. So basically, thanks for a lovely 6 years, but you need to leave.
I was heartbroken. He didn't want to see me or speak to me, he wanted me completely gone. This was so incredibly painful after 9 months of supporting him through some really awful times..
I struggled for a few weeks.. But gradually started sorting my head out. I went away for a weekend on my own, bought myself a brand new car, changed my hair and have lost half a stone.. I've also had attention from other guys which has perked me up a lot and made me feel better.
A week ago I got back in contact with an old school friend who does acupuncture - I suffer with a chronic long term illness and so asked him about acupuncture.. He said he could try it with me if I wanted. So I said yes and we met up.
The chemistry was electric. As soon as the door opened, you could practically see it between us. When he massaged me, I've never felt anything like it.. But we both agreed it wasn't ok to do anything. Although we both wanted to.

So now, my husband has come back to me saying he has made a huge mistake and adores me, I'm the only one there has ever been... But I feel like I'm finally finding myself again. I feel like I'm getting my spark back.
I also, selfishly want to pursue something with this guy. If only once, I want to feel alive. I want to feel wanted.
But my husband is saying I have to stay faithful, even if this takes months and months and months to sort out which it most likely will... I feel like I'm stifled :(

I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know where my head is at and I'm struggling :(

I think it's time for you to stop engaging with him. You don't have to take his calls. You really need to tell him that you need some space and to stop contacting you.

I was going to comment, but Fontella has nailed perfectly what I was going to say.

Inertia summed it perfectly.

Why are you prioritising HIS wants and needs above your own?

He is ACCUSING you of sleeping around as though you had no right to sleep with somebody else even though you'd split up! To cut the cord, don't try and convince him you didn't sleep with somebody else. Just shrug and tell him he can think whatever the hell he likes, cos what he thinks is his own business.

I had this with an X, he saw me having one drink with a colleague and came over to sneer at the speed I'd moved on. I just let him think what he wanted because I refuse to put myself up in the dock to swear my truth in. ykwim.

This man is a dick. Might I remind you that in all the time you've been with him, he's never bothered to see if you've had an orgasm? In SIX YEARS? I wouldn't stay six weeks with someone like that.

It matters. A lot. Because it tells you the kind of selfish, entitled twat he is.

Oh, just so you know, when I tried to kick my ex out for cheating, he did the head in hands, shoulder shaking, howling sobs. Like an utter twat I fell for it.

Guess what happened next..........He left me for OW.

Sounds like you are trying to make him feel better about all of this OP. He kicked YOU out. He has ended your marriage but has somehow turned the guilt of that onto your shoulders.

He will do this to you again if you buckle under the pressure and go back to pretending all is well in your relationship.

Lady, you deserve to have orgasms. Lots and lots of them. With someone who is keen to give them to you, not this inadequate, limp-dicked wanker. He deserves sacking purely for his unutterable selfishness. And after kicking you out so heartlessly and in such a cowardly way, he's decided that you should go back. Well, fuck that! If you go back it will be all the same shit but much, much worse. Please don't even consider it. He's a cruel, selfish shitbag.

Do yourself a favour and carry on with the moving-on part. And have some fun with the acupuncturist if you want.

He demands that you stay faithful? He lost any opportunity to make any demands of you when he wrote his precious letter.

^ this.

Bitter has it spot on.

Are you going to that anniversary lunch with him tomorrow?

Yeah, get the acupuncturist to stick things in you

Sorry.

Go and have some fun. You deserve it.

My immediate thought upon reading your OP was of Beautiful South's 'I Need A Little Time', as a couple of PPs have mentioned, but I mentally kicked myself and told myself not to be so harsh and maybe his depression had had a severe effect on his confidence.

But by the time I read of his trip to Portugal, I was in a rage on your behalf. My DP has had depression (never diagnosed, never treated, but obvious to everyone but him), but never, never would he have swanned off on a jolly without discussing it with me first. Never, never did he make me feel that I could not discuss the way he made me feel when he was low and always, always apologised when he snapped out of a low spot. He wouldn't accept that that was what was wrong (doesn't like Drs) but he was sensible and compassionate enough towards me to see that something was up and worked towards feeling better through hard work.

Someone said it earlier, depression does not give you carte blanche to act like an arrogant dick! Sit him down, be absolutely honest with him and watch his amazement as he realises what an entitled wanker he is.

Or not, as entitled wankers don't often see it in themselves...

Anniversary lunch?

Please don't go OP

I hope you don't go OP. You said in your post you were meant to go?

Why would you want to celebrate your anniversary when he dumped you??? He has no respect for you. He obviously expects you to be in a limbo of waiting until he feels 'ready' (whatever that is) to have you back. How magnanimous.

Now that he realises that you're not going to be at his back and calls he freaks out. First you had the poor me tears, now you get the abuse. What a lovely guy.

Please tell him to fuck right off OP x please. You owe him nothing x

He was horribly selfish and hurt you to the point of kicking you out when he was depressed and wouldn't even talk to you.

Now he is "seeing clearer" he is still horribly selfish and still hurting you.

The sobbing, and apologising profusely - what bullshit because in his next breath he is piling on guilt trip after guilt trip to obligate you to sticking with his selfish arse, its all about his needs.

You say he isn't hurting you knowingly and I'll take your word for it. But really thats even worse as the selfishness is utterly innate and simply within his core character.

You would be ten types of foolish to fall for it.

I find others expect us to have the same morals, standards and behaviours as they do.

A liar expects you to lie.

A thief thinks you will steal from them.

Someone who accuses you of cheating on them...

It WAS NOT cheating.

Actually I was going to warn you about the acupuncturist, definitely a fraud. Or else he went on the wrong training course.

What was he doing giving you a massage, when he should have been using acupuncture pins in your pressure points. Worrying

He'd been horrible to you for about 9 months before getting help for his issues?! Sod that. Even putting that aside he's a selfish lover and the two of you have mismatched libidos. He told you to bugger off and find someone else when he didn't want you, yet when he wants you back says you should be faithful and is getting pissed off because he thinks you've "cheated". ODFO. Life is too short, keep moving on. Without your DH.

You really really don't have to put yourself through any of this. You and he are no more as a couple, as a marriage. It's gone.

He's trying to control you because he realised the beautiful spirit he let fly free. Maybe he should be thanked for that because when you aren't talking about "re-evaluating" the relationship or this and that all about him, you sound bloody brilliant! Keep it simple. You seem happier and way more energetic out of this marriage. Your being in it dragged me down just reading, never mind enduring it. Oppression City!

You are free. Come on dreaming. Take hold of your life, exclude him from it and bloody well LIVE your dreams. No going back, no pedantic obligation-laden re-evaluation ... *yawn ... You left already. Belong to yourself, as we all truly do but get screwed on the skewer of Duty and Ownership.

You don't need permission from anyone not to go back. You don't want to, so don't.