DH left me 6 weeks ago... Now wanting me back but I fear I've moved on :(

[dreamingofmynextsleep]

Afternoon.. I feel right now I have no idea where to turn. I need some anonymous advice :(

I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1.
He has always been the life and sole of a party until the last few years. He has slowly fallen into a depression.
Since October last year, he has been horrendous. I've had to walk on eggshells, wake daily not knowing what he was in, deal with the looks and the comments that, granted some days he didn't realise he had even made, but still they were cutting.
Sexually, I have always been highly sexed - 2/3 times a day is good for me whereas he is more like that a month. I never really took much notice and thought all would be ok.. But I've never orgasmed with him. Ever. He was always a little selfish as a lover - he would never willingly reciprocate. I always had to ask.
Since his depression has become terrible.. It's almost like I've had to guilt trip him into sleeping with me.. Which is the most degrading thing ever.

I feel like I lost who I was. I had to dampen who I was to support him. I haven't felt like a woman in a long time and I feel super unattractive :(

6 weeks ago I came home to a letter asking me to leave. He stated he couldn't make me happy and that I needed to find someone who could. So basically, thanks for a lovely 6 years, but you need to leave.
I was heartbroken. He didn't want to see me or speak to me, he wanted me completely gone. This was so incredibly painful after 9 months of supporting him through some really awful times..
I struggled for a few weeks.. But gradually started sorting my head out. I went away for a weekend on my own, bought myself a brand new car, changed my hair and have lost half a stone.. I've also had attention from other guys which has perked me up a lot and made me feel better.
A week ago I got back in contact with an old school friend who does acupuncture - I suffer with a chronic long term illness and so asked him about acupuncture.. He said he could try it with me if I wanted. So I said yes and we met up.
The chemistry was electric. As soon as the door opened, you could practically see it between us. When he massaged me, I've never felt anything like it.. But we both agreed it wasn't ok to do anything. Although we both wanted to.

So now, my husband has come back to me saying he has made a huge mistake and adores me, I'm the only one there has ever been... But I feel like I'm finally finding myself again. I feel like I'm getting my spark back.
I also, selfishly want to pursue something with this guy. If only once, I want to feel alive. I want to feel wanted.
But my husband is saying I have to stay faithful, even if this takes months and months and months to sort out which it most likely will... I feel like I'm stifled :(

I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know where my head is at and I'm struggling :(

My initial reaction was of pity.. Which upsets me even more. He looked so broken and lost and I hate that. I'm sad for him, because my love couldn't save him and because he lost so much of who he was in all of this... He was literally the most outgoing, social able, loving person... But that went a long time ago and he is now this shell of a human.

I'm not saying that this won't work in the future.. When we are both 100% we are brilliant together and so relaxed and chilled.. But our relationship hasn't been that for a long time :)

That was meant to be a sad face :(

That explains why you feel you've had to put up with so much ill treatment under the guise of his depression.

However, the treatment he has given you really doesn't convince me.

Saying vile things to you and then claiming he couldn't remember? Not a feature of depression.
Going on holiday on his own and not telling you how long for? Yeah, not really.
Being selfish in bed and not bothered about your pleasure? Not a feature of depression.
Saying you should leave because he's no good for you - yes, okay that could be.
Deciding he wants you back after you appear happy and confident? Not a feature of depression.

I think this guy has actually been manipulating and controlling you for quite a long time. You seem to feel that if you don't take him back, you'll be splitting the marriage up. HE ALREADY DID THAT. In a very twatty way.

You have moved on and are happier without him. You have absolutely no reason to take this twat back. Why would you voluntarily go back to a relationship that made both of you unhappy??

There's absolutely no shame in admitting you've reached the end of your rope. My ex is a problem drinker, and it took me several years to say 'enough'. It's only now, 6 months after I asked him to move out (and he did) that's he's apologised for his behaviour and wants us to go to counselling. But I don't want to just now. And I feel bad about that, but i'm slowly pulling myself back together and enjoying the peace. So I completely get how you say his depression affected you.

In the long run it would be no kindness to him if you went back to him but your heart wasn't in it.

I don't want to be the one that breaks this up.

You didn't. He did.

You aren't willing to sacrifice yourself to put back together what he broke. That's different.

I have been in a very similar situation to you OP, when I realised that other men found me attractive, and what a relief it was not to have to put up with his moods etc, there is no way I wanted back in.

Three years later I found myself marrying a wonderful man, and we celebrated our 38th anniversary this week.

If the first year of your marriage is miserable, call time, it will only get worse, then add the possible complications of Dc's and joint property!!.

let him sort his own life out and you live yours to the full!

That's exactly how I feel - like I'd be sacrificing myself in order to keep him afloat. In order to be his leaning post.

Like I said, if, in 6 months down the line we are both in a better place emotionally and mentally, then fine we can evaluate our lives but I just feel so drained... I didn't realise how bad it was until I was out of there and doing my own thing :(

I haven't read all the replies, but you should move on. This relationship wasn't working for you even before your ex spiralled into depression. You have completely mismatched sex drives, he makes you feel unattractive and he has never satisfied you in bed in six years. Its not going to work. You can get back together, but you will always be dis-sastisfied.

Move on. This relationship isn't right and never will be. He's set you free, so if it was me, I'd run like the wind.

And I'd also tell him that you're now separated and you can do as you wish. He ended it, in case he's forgotten that already!

That's what I worry about too.. I've got endometriosis so my fertility window is quite small... I will have to have them sooner rather than later.
But I can't deal with having them whilst in this relationship... He would make a wonderful father.

I just don't trust him to not do this to me again. I don't have any confidence in us as a couple anymore :(

It doesn't matter if he's not a bad person. YOU are not a bad person and he left you because he wanted to and that was reason enough.

I would run for the hills without a backwards glance.

He wouldn't make a wonderful father. You'd ALL be walking on eggshells around him. All his needs would be met. Not talking about sex, i just mean, he'd have a comfortable home, and somebody to vent to, somebody to support him, encourage him, bolster his ego, do the donkey work for him. You'd be exhausted and depressed.

he says "the old you would never have done this to me"

The 'old you' was NOT the real you because his actions and selfish ways didn't allow you to be. He turned you into someone who would put up with abusive behaviour, settle for second best and accept having their needs and wants ignored repeatedly. You were unfulfilled and unhappy and he never made any effort to make you feel like the gorgeous, sexy, desirable, intelligent and loving woman that you are.

If he was the person I was with a few years ago, yes... But so much has changed. He isn't that person remotely anymore
Was he ever that person you thought he was though? In the 6 years of marriage he proved himself to be selfish and dismissive of your needs right from the start. He obviously doesn't understand how soul destroying it is to be used sexually and have your pleasure reduced to nothing, or how demeaning it is to beg for sex from your partner.

it sounds like your relationship/marriage has died the Death Of A Thousand Cuts.......and his turnabout is too little too late AND even now he's not giving you the respect and consideration that you have asked for.

I don't think it's fair for him to put restrictions on how I love my life whilst he sorts his own out

The mispelling made me giggle because it's true - how you live and love your life is of paramount importance. If you cannot love your life - then how are you expected to live it? The truth is you didn't love the life you lived with him.

You are mistress of your life and you can do and have whatever your heart desires. If you want to, you can tell him - verbally or in writing- that you are taking a few months away from him to find the real you that got lost in the marriage, that he has no right to dictate to you after the way he's behaved, and give him a breakdown of the things that affected you adversely in your marriage - he can use the time apart to reflect on his own behaviour and what he is willing to do to change that IF you decide to give it another go. Or.....if you feel you have nothing left to give then just tell him bluntly it's over.
i sense you're feeling guilt which is making you have doubts - take the fear and guilt out of the picture and what are you left with? That is the point from which to make your decisions.

It is clear from every single post you have written here that you do NOT want to get back with him.

What's the dilemma here?

Can you imagine yourself telling him you don't want him back? And for that to stick?

What do your RL friends say about it?

Dangergrouse I love that song. It's so true.

I would just say that whatever you do, look at this in terms of whether you want to be with your husband not, rather than whether you want to be with anyone else. Other people have a habit of muddying the water and confusing what the real issue is.

The thing for me that stands out from your post is how much better you feel after 6 weeks. Look on the relationship board, plenty still in shock unable to get themselves together.

The other guy is a red herring..

I also see the you feel better so he wants you back...He either doesn't want you to have someone else or doesn't want to leave him behind..Both are not your issue

He's not a 'kind, caring and wonderful man'. Far from it.

Six weeks after your wedding he fucked off on holiday to Portugal without you. He's been crap in bed for the duration of your marriage and since last October, in your words he's been 'horrendous'.

He then sends you a letter telling you to move out ffs! He wouldn't see you, he wouldn't speak to you, he wanted you gone. Again, your words.

So you did as you were told and moved out, and guess what? You've blossomed and thrived since escaping from this selfish, self indulgent, navel gazing, up himself fucker. You've lost weight, got a new car, changed your hairstyle and are beginning to realise that despite having to practically beg your H to have sex with you, that in fact you are an attractive, vibrant, desirable woman who has no need to grovel to anyone.

And surprise, surprise ... husband now decides he wants you back. He adores you, so you have to stay faithful to him because he says so. Even though he ordered you to leave, even though he told you to find someone else. Now he decides he 'made a mistake'.

And you don't want to be the one 'who breaks this up'?

You haven't broken anything up. He has.

Let yourself be guilted into going back to him. Go back to being unfulfilled sexually, go back to being on tenterhooks every morning you wake up, not knowing what mood he's going to be in. Go back to the insults and the barbed comments and the snide looks. Go back to feeling degraded because you dare to want a fulfilling sexual relationship with the man with whom you share your bed. Go back to all the misery and anguish of the past nine months and wait until the next diktat letter from your H arrives on the mantlepiece telling you what you should and shouldn't do.

Or don't go back, and continue to build on the progress you have already made in the few short weeks since you escaped from him. Shag your old friend/acupuncture guy if the chemistry is there and you might just rediscover what exciting, fulfilling, mutually satisfying sex should be like. Do what you want, date, go out, have fun and live your life for you, not for the selfish fucker you were married to.

I think the turning point for me.. Was when he came back from a business trip in Canada. I had bought beautiful new underwear and I greeted him at the door in it. He walked straight past me talking about the fox he has run over then make himself a cup of tea. That was the last time we had sex because I got upset with him..

I just want to feel wanted. Not guilt tripped into loving someone :(

What's your next move?

He wouldn't make a 'wonderful father', because selfish people are rubbish parents. He'd continue to put himself and his needs first and you'd be left at home with the baby.

He's also manipulative ('the old you would never have done this to me' WTF??? The old him probably wouldn't have thrown you out of your own house either!).

Please OP stop agonising over this. I know its easy for a bunch of people on computers who don't know you to say that and you've got this man begging you to take him back and doing all in his power to manipulate you into moving back in, but nothing that you've written convinces me that you two should be together. You are simply mis-matched and nothing, not even the best will in the world, can change that.

I have no idea..
It's our first wedding anniversary on Sunday. We were going for lunch.

I'm currently waiting for my mum to come home from being away so I can vent to her.. But that's hard because they all adore him. And my mum believes in sticking with people through everything.

I'm going to see my counsellor over the weekend and see what she says.. See if I'm making sense.

I think then, I'm going to have to talk to him.. And say he has to respect me and give me a few months on my own. He is convinced I won't ever go back to him if he gives me a few months away - but 6 weeks ago I didn't know he was coming back. So I think I've just got to convince him to trust me and let me work my own head out.

When I said this the other day he just cried, like proper howled into his hands.. Shoulder racking sobs. It's just awful :(

I understand why you are torn about this. A relationship like this becomes habit....you just drift along in life getting on with it all, and because it's not 'abusive' or 'toxic' or 'dysfunctional' to any extreme you think it's all normal.
When something happens to make you step away from the rail your life has been circling on - then you start to realise all the things that were wrong. You start to realise how much of you got chipped away over the years. Some of those realisations can't ever be undone.

You feel excited about the possibilites of a life where you become you again. Where you can be you, and anyone who comes along can either accept that or go on their merry way.
And then a little voice crops up niggling at all the time you invested in someone else, a big part of your life - and can you really walk away from that?

Well you can. It's what I did (and there was a child involved too, which made it more complicated). I found me again. I found a wonderful man who loves and accepts me and doesn't want me to change, ever. I found a man who makes me feel alive and who satisfies me.
And I look back at the life I had before and I know if i had gone back it would all have fallen apart again, and putting myself back together would have been harder.

He is convinced I won't ever go back to him if he gives me a few months away

Why are you asking him to 'give' you anything? It's not his gift to give.

Your life, your choices, your time ... and yet you constantly defer to him and what he wants?

I think you should prioritise your own health and your own recovery from anxiety and depression.