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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH left me 6 weeks ago... Now wanting me back but I fear I've moved on :(

148 replies

dreamingofmynextsleep · 31/07/2015 17:06

Afternoon.. I feel right now I have no idea where to turn. I need some anonymous advice :(

I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1.
He has always been the life and sole of a party until the last few years. He has slowly fallen into a depression.
Since October last year, he has been horrendous. I've had to walk on eggshells, wake daily not knowing what he was in, deal with the looks and the comments that, granted some days he didn't realise he had even made, but still they were cutting.
Sexually, I have always been highly sexed - 2/3 times a day is good for me whereas he is more like that a month. I never really took much notice and thought all would be ok.. But I've never orgasmed with him. Ever. He was always a little selfish as a lover - he would never willingly reciprocate. I always had to ask.
Since his depression has become terrible.. It's almost like I've had to guilt trip him into sleeping with me.. Which is the most degrading thing ever.

I feel like I lost who I was. I had to dampen who I was to support him. I haven't felt like a woman in a long time and I feel super unattractive :(

6 weeks ago I came home to a letter asking me to leave. He stated he couldn't make me happy and that I needed to find someone who could. So basically, thanks for a lovely 6 years, but you need to leave.
I was heartbroken. He didn't want to see me or speak to me, he wanted me completely gone. This was so incredibly painful after 9 months of supporting him through some really awful times..
I struggled for a few weeks.. But gradually started sorting my head out. I went away for a weekend on my own, bought myself a brand new car, changed my hair and have lost half a stone.. I've also had attention from other guys which has perked me up a lot and made me feel better.
A week ago I got back in contact with an old school friend who does acupuncture - I suffer with a chronic long term illness and so asked him about acupuncture.. He said he could try it with me if I wanted. So I said yes and we met up.
The chemistry was electric. As soon as the door opened, you could practically see it between us. When he massaged me, I've never felt anything like it.. But we both agreed it wasn't ok to do anything. Although we both wanted to.

So now, my husband has come back to me saying he has made a huge mistake and adores me, I'm the only one there has ever been... But I feel like I'm finally finding myself again. I feel like I'm getting my spark back.
I also, selfishly want to pursue something with this guy. If only once, I want to feel alive. I want to feel wanted.
But my husband is saying I have to stay faithful, even if this takes months and months and months to sort out which it most likely will... I feel like I'm stifled :(

I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know where my head is at and I'm struggling :(

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 31/07/2015 21:15

He sounds dog in the manger to me.
He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have your affections, or for you to want anyone else.

I'd separate.

Twinklestein · 31/07/2015 21:15

He is convinced I have already slept around

So the man who is supposed to love you above all others thinks you've slept around...? Who would even talk about their wife like that?

Sounds like he has a guilty conscience.

Rosieliveson · 31/07/2015 21:17

Oh my goodness, I have no idea why that says Moron at the beginning of my post. I absolutely was not calling anyone a moron. It's an awful word Shock

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 31/07/2015 21:43

He is also convinced I've made my mind up and isn't listening to a word im saying..

What were you saying that he wasn't listening to?

After his incredibly cruel actions how on earth could he be angry about anything you may or may not have done?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 31/07/2015 21:52

Yep, still convinced this scenario has OW written all over it. Sorry OP. Either way you're worth more than this treatment.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 31/07/2015 21:58

definitely a dog in the manger - as stated above.
get rid now and you'll have an autumn and xmas free of this whiny douchebag.
what's not to love?

NotSureAtAllNow · 31/07/2015 22:32

I find it interesting that he wrote you his letter to leave 2 weeks after you were diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Perhaps he didn't want to stick around to support you like you did for him.
He now sees that you are moving on and are thriving without him and he wants you back.
He sounds like an arch manipulator of the highest order.
Very little of what he has done sounds like depression more like a way to control you especially if he has knowledge of your family background.
It also sounds like he travels a lot perhaps he has had opportunity to be unfaithful in the past and is now projecting a lot onto you.

CruCru · 31/07/2015 22:46

I agree - you need to listen to your gut.

It sounds as though you've been let out of prison. Don't go back.

Milllii · 31/07/2015 22:51

You say he asked you to leave but do you know what he was doing during those 6 weeks. Are you 100 per cent sure that he wasn't seeing someone else himself?

Milllii · 31/07/2015 22:55

Definitely sounds like OW.

GraysAnalogy · 31/07/2015 22:57

I don;t think this is OW at all. If he's suffering from depression it can set you in self destruct mode. It can make you push away those who you love most. It doesn't mean there's some other woman or man.

whitsernam · 31/07/2015 22:59

It sounds as though you've been let out of prison. Don't go back. This!!

Loletta · 31/07/2015 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Milllii · 31/07/2015 23:10

Gray yes maybe I was too hasty there. Its just that his behaviour seems to have changed after they got married when he went to Portugal on holiday with other couples but didn't take her. Add that to the fact that his behaviour over the last year has changed and it seemed to point in the general direction of an affair.

starlight2007 · 31/07/2015 23:11

Ok..If he wasn't phoning you...Guilting you what would you be thinking ? My guess is not about wanting to get back with him.. That is your answer.

All you say seems very gamey...Why is he phoning you is it to get to see things from his point of view?

He may be unhappy but your presence is not the answer. Thinks will return the way they were.

I do understand what people are saying about depression and self destruct but lots of what you post is not a symptom of depression

TendonQueen · 31/07/2015 23:16

He doesn't have the power here, you do. You can say 'Look, right now I don't know if I will ever want to be with you again. If I ever do, it will be when I choose, not because you are trying to bully and emotionally manipulate me. If you're going to stand there and make demands, I'm not interested. And you can think what you like about what I do because you will anyway and it all comes from inside your head, so you can stop accusing me of anything, because that says a lot more about you than it does about me'.

magoria · 31/07/2015 23:26

Step on him real hard.

He ended your relationship 6 weeks ago.

From that time you were free to sleep with however many people you wanted to. It is none of his business.

Stop discussing it and refuse to engage.

All that is happening is that your start at a bit of happiness and freedom is being ripped away and destroyed.

He is trying to blame you for what he has done. Thrown an amazing woman away.

You deserve better.

sensiblesometimes · 01/08/2015 00:08

A new life , free of him and his problems , imagine how lovely that would be ..

babbum · 01/08/2015 00:14

To be perfectly honest the crack in your relationship has already occurred and I do not think you were happy previously. Being without each other (more on his behalf) maybe he has re evaluated things but in my opinion will always go back to the original state. Meet someone who makes you feel happy, not lost.

queenrollo · 01/08/2015 07:32

He is convinced I have already slept around

And if he really thinks this he will use it again and again, every time he wants to hurt you or manipulate you.

Orangeisthenewbanana · 01/08/2015 08:10

The moment he told you to leave, out of the blue, refusing to even have a conversation with you about it, he lost any right to insist that you have to be faithful to him or decide to return to the marriage.

I'm going to be extremely generous and put those actions down at least in part to his depression. It's possible that now he is on the AD's he realises he made a terrible mistake. HOWEVER, as pp's have said, there seem to have been other major issues in your relationship way before last October. 6 years together and he has never given you an orgasm?? Any halfway decent man would be mortified and would have been working with you to change that.

Depression or not, he has created this situation for himself over a number of years and I think it is far more likely he has seen the new you and is jealously trying to guilt trip you into staying with him when he realised you are actually doing (more than) fine without him.

At a minimum, you should insist he gives you time and space to figure out what YOU want next for yourself. No conditions, no sobbing, no guilt trips - he lost his right to dictate to you when he told you to leave. You need to get your own head straight first to decide if you want him in your future (and I don't think he should be). Pressuring you as he is, is just another sign of his selfishness.

Also agree that your mum may not be the most impartial person to talk to about this. You do not have to stay in an unhappy marriage just because she may have.

TRexingInAsda · 01/08/2015 08:14

He knows you won't want him in 3 months time because (a) you don't even want him now, and (b) by 3 months he'll have gone back to being an unappreciative arse, user and joy sucker.

You've moved on, good for you. He kicked you when you were down, and you picked yourself right back up, now he wants another go? Ha, no thanks! Go and find something better. Good luck. x

TRexingInAsda · 01/08/2015 08:17

Oh yes and this 'you have to be faithful' - er WTAF?? No you don't. You've split up. The main point about that is you DON'T have to be faithful to him - you don't have to be anything to him, you're not together and he doesn't get to tell you what you have to do anymore. The bugger's even pissing me off, and I've thankfully never even met him.

Inertia · 01/08/2015 08:19

So to summarise :

He buggered off on a couples holiday alone.

He is selfish in bed.

He refused to seek help for depression, instead expecting you to pick up the pieces.

He dumped you and kicked you out of your home.

Having ended your marriage, he now demands that you must have no contact with other men until he decides what he wants (it's not an issue of faithfulness btw, he ended the marriage).

He wasn't interested in helping you when you felt depressed and desperate, but now that you've found confidence and hope he wants to drag you back down into the mire.

You don't owe him anything. He dumped you. He kicked you out. He made all of those decisions without giving you a chance to work together to improve your marriage. Now you finally gave the chance to control your own life - he doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore.

You have no children or other ties. Do you want to sign up to a lifetime of this emotional bullying, and potentially bring children into it too?

Inertia · 01/08/2015 08:22

And looking at your thread title - honestly, don't fear that you've moved on ; you have moved on, and your life has improved immeasurably because you have moved on.

It's going back that you should fear.