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Original poster

DH left me 6 weeks ago... Now wanting me back but I fear I've moved on :(

148 replies

dreamingofmynextsleep · 31/07/2015 17:06

Afternoon.. I feel right now I have no idea where to turn. I need some anonymous advice :(

I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1.
He has always been the life and sole of a party until the last few years. He has slowly fallen into a depression.
Since October last year, he has been horrendous. I've had to walk on eggshells, wake daily not knowing what he was in, deal with the looks and the comments that, granted some days he didn't realise he had even made, but still they were cutting.
Sexually, I have always been highly sexed - 2/3 times a day is good for me whereas he is more like that a month. I never really took much notice and thought all would be ok.. But I've never orgasmed with him. Ever. He was always a little selfish as a lover - he would never willingly reciprocate. I always had to ask.
Since his depression has become terrible.. It's almost like I've had to guilt trip him into sleeping with me.. Which is the most degrading thing ever.

I feel like I lost who I was. I had to dampen who I was to support him. I haven't felt like a woman in a long time and I feel super unattractive :(

6 weeks ago I came home to a letter asking me to leave. He stated he couldn't make me happy and that I needed to find someone who could. So basically, thanks for a lovely 6 years, but you need to leave.
I was heartbroken. He didn't want to see me or speak to me, he wanted me completely gone. This was so incredibly painful after 9 months of supporting him through some really awful times..
I struggled for a few weeks.. But gradually started sorting my head out. I went away for a weekend on my own, bought myself a brand new car, changed my hair and have lost half a stone.. I've also had attention from other guys which has perked me up a lot and made me feel better.
A week ago I got back in contact with an old school friend who does acupuncture - I suffer with a chronic long term illness and so asked him about acupuncture.. He said he could try it with me if I wanted. So I said yes and we met up.
The chemistry was electric. As soon as the door opened, you could practically see it between us. When he massaged me, I've never felt anything like it.. But we both agreed it wasn't ok to do anything. Although we both wanted to.

So now, my husband has come back to me saying he has made a huge mistake and adores me, I'm the only one there has ever been... But I feel like I'm finally finding myself again. I feel like I'm getting my spark back.
I also, selfishly want to pursue something with this guy. If only once, I want to feel alive. I want to feel wanted.
But my husband is saying I have to stay faithful, even if this takes months and months and months to sort out which it most likely will... I feel like I'm stifled :(

I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know where my head is at and I'm struggling :(

OP posts:
KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 31/07/2015 17:50

He treated you like shit. Now he's begging to come back. No, wait, wrong way round, he's begging you to come back, he kicked you out. And his way of begging on bended knee is to tell you that you are unreasonable to not run back (the 'old you' pfft ) and to tell you that you have to remain celibate until he wins you back, at which point you will be celibate within the marriage. What a cheeky entitled fucker.

Run away, run fast.

Are you sure he wasn't a tit in the previous 5 years? Seems an odd personality transplant. Depression does weird things but it doesn't make you into an entitled fucker. Usually the opposite.

magoria · 31/07/2015 17:52

He is now doing his best to make you feel guilty for trying to move on.

That is not good or fair in a relationship.

GraysAnalogy · 31/07/2015 17:54

Firstly, I think it was brave of him to acknowledge that he can no longer make you happy as his mental illness is having too much of an effect on him. It can ruin who you are sometimes, I speak from experience I feel I nearly lost my DP because of it.

Secondly, you have every right to be happy and if you've moved on, then you've moved on and you need to think about your own happiness.

But if you were to go back to him, then you need to lay down some rules. The first being he needs to seek proper help and work towards getting better.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation it must be shitty Flowers

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 31/07/2015 17:55

Ah, he's playing with you. He wanted you gone but.....when he realised that you were ok without him, he suddenly wants you back.

He's trying to guilt you into coming back with all that forget me shit.

Original poster
dreamingofmynextsleep · 31/07/2015 17:55

That's how I feel... I actually told him he wasn't allowed to try and make me feel guilt in an argument the other day.

He has always had a selfish side. I've always known that. He flew away on a weeks trip to Portugal 6 weeks after our wedding - but failed to mention it was for a week or that couples were invited. And I think that's where my trust for him wavered a little.. It was since that trip he changed. It was as if we got married and he just spiralled...

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 31/07/2015 17:55

Once someone's ended a relationship and cut contact after being an arsehole for a year, there's no such thing as 'got to be faithful'.

He ended it and then panicked and is trying to reel you back in, but perhaps it's better for both of you to split. I reckon he's just scared of facing the depression on his own.

I don't know what brought on the depression, and it's a complex illness, but I wonder if, actually, he's not any happier in the relationship than you are, and that has played its part in his mental health?

Your sex drives are completely at odds, he's not a good lover and sex is obviously important to you.

You can't go back into a relationship feeling 'stifled' and expect it to work out.

Binit · 31/07/2015 17:58

If you have no kids, then there's no question, run away. He is ruining your life.

pocketsaviour · 31/07/2015 17:59

So the marital home - is it rented, or owned?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 31/07/2015 17:59

Any chance he had his own extramarital 'adventure' upon telling you to leave, got it out of his system, and now wants you back so he gets to have his cake and eat it?

Original poster
dreamingofmynextsleep · 31/07/2015 18:00

I do feel stifled. He doesn't have an awful lot of support, no one really knows what is going on apart from my family..

I've made him sound like such a horrible man.. But truthfully he isn't. He has supported me endlessly throughout my battle with chronic pain and illness... But I was hurt when last night, he said that because he was ok, I didn't want him anymore ... Which I kicked off about as it was me for 9 months telling him to get help and it was me who accepted he was unwell way before he did.. And I stuck by him x

I just feel like there has been so much damage done that it isn't gonna be easy to fix it :(

OP posts:
Binit · 31/07/2015 18:00

Also he told you to leave. Keep the letter. He broke the marriage off.

Original poster
dreamingofmynextsleep · 31/07/2015 18:01

It's rented.. Which he has taken over. I'm back at my parents..

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 31/07/2015 18:02

I think that feeling Alive is what Life's about. Easier said than done but no-one should pull your strings no matter how precious the initial connection. No matter how damaged the current connection either. Maybe it's my age but I no longer believe in sacrifice of any kind. Live your life according to your choice.

Binit · 31/07/2015 18:03

So if there is no property to sell and no dc involved, you can get quite a straightforward divorce.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 31/07/2015 18:05

No wonder it spiralled after the Portugal trip. Most women would have walked out there and then. You didn't. He knew you had boundaries set in a strange place. Carte Blanche.

Did you grow up within a bad marriage?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 31/07/2015 18:07

Are you paying any bills on the old place? Have you any shared debt? Did you pay any of the deposit on the rental?

Wristy · 31/07/2015 18:07

What a spineless thing to do to your wife.
If you still have his letter simply cross your name out and replace it with his, add a brief p.s.: our marriage is over, don't feel the need to stay faithful to me.

DrElizabethPlimpton · 31/07/2015 18:08

I can't quite understand how he is a good guy but 6 weeks after your wedding he buggers off on a trip claiming it wasn't for couples when it was.

He is an arse of the fartiest order I'm afraid.

Original poster
dreamingofmynextsleep · 31/07/2015 18:09

I'm just so heartbroken by it.. He is such a kind caring and wonderful man but the last 9 months have broken me. I lost all my confidence and self esteem, constantly doubting myself and all my abilities. I dampened down who I was in order to support him...
He apologises profusely for doing that.. And I know he is sorry. But it's still damaged me and saying sorry isn't anywhere near enough for what has happened. I told him back in November he needed to get help. I told him in February he was on the verge of ruining our marriage because he wouldn't get help - it took him until June to do anything about it... And I fear it is just too late. I don't want to be the one that breaks this up.. But I feel, for my own mental state - I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression about 2 weeks before he asked me to move out... I need to do this :(

OP posts:
airforsharon · 31/07/2015 18:09

When your DH said to you he'd made a mistake and wants you back, what was your instinctive gut reaction? Pleased and relieved because you've been missing him like mad, or 'oh hell NO.'

Heed Your Gut!

DangerGrouse · 31/07/2015 18:10

This reminds me of that 'Beautiful South' song - "I've had a little time"

I'm pretty sure she told him to sling his hook in the end so I'd just go along with that too if I were you

whatarethose · 31/07/2015 18:10

You do need to do this. Trust your gut. Yoy cannot save him but you can save yourself.

Original poster
dreamingofmynextsleep · 31/07/2015 18:11

And no.. My parents have been together for 42 years? Still very much in love.
But my mum has put up with a lot from my dads side of the family and my dad has suffered severely with depressions over the years - to the point where he was under the mental health act for it.. But my mum stuck by him. And I thought that's what you did. But I just don't feel strong enough for that right now :(

OP posts:
magoria · 31/07/2015 18:12

Toss a coin. Heads you go back, tails you don't.

What result do you get?

What is your immediate gut reaction?

Wristy · 31/07/2015 18:13

But did your dad send your mother a letter telling her he wanted her gone?

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