DH left me 6 weeks ago... Now wanting me back but I fear I've moved on :(

[dreamingofmynextsleep]

Afternoon.. I feel right now I have no idea where to turn. I need some anonymous advice :(

I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1.
He has always been the life and sole of a party until the last few years. He has slowly fallen into a depression.
Since October last year, he has been horrendous. I've had to walk on eggshells, wake daily not knowing what he was in, deal with the looks and the comments that, granted some days he didn't realise he had even made, but still they were cutting.
Sexually, I have always been highly sexed - 2/3 times a day is good for me whereas he is more like that a month. I never really took much notice and thought all would be ok.. But I've never orgasmed with him. Ever. He was always a little selfish as a lover - he would never willingly reciprocate. I always had to ask.
Since his depression has become terrible.. It's almost like I've had to guilt trip him into sleeping with me.. Which is the most degrading thing ever.

I feel like I lost who I was. I had to dampen who I was to support him. I haven't felt like a woman in a long time and I feel super unattractive :(

6 weeks ago I came home to a letter asking me to leave. He stated he couldn't make me happy and that I needed to find someone who could. So basically, thanks for a lovely 6 years, but you need to leave.
I was heartbroken. He didn't want to see me or speak to me, he wanted me completely gone. This was so incredibly painful after 9 months of supporting him through some really awful times..
I struggled for a few weeks.. But gradually started sorting my head out. I went away for a weekend on my own, bought myself a brand new car, changed my hair and have lost half a stone.. I've also had attention from other guys which has perked me up a lot and made me feel better.
A week ago I got back in contact with an old school friend who does acupuncture - I suffer with a chronic long term illness and so asked him about acupuncture.. He said he could try it with me if I wanted. So I said yes and we met up.
The chemistry was electric. As soon as the door opened, you could practically see it between us. When he massaged me, I've never felt anything like it.. But we both agreed it wasn't ok to do anything. Although we both wanted to.

So now, my husband has come back to me saying he has made a huge mistake and adores me, I'm the only one there has ever been... But I feel like I'm finally finding myself again. I feel like I'm getting my spark back.
I also, selfishly want to pursue something with this guy. If only once, I want to feel alive. I want to feel wanted.
But my husband is saying I have to stay faithful, even if this takes months and months and months to sort out which it most likely will... I feel like I'm stifled :(

I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know where my head is at and I'm struggling :(

I agree with people who say you are just simply not suited. People can overcome this but it doesn't sound as if either of you would be happy if you carried on with the relationship. He was the one who asked you to leave so you shouldn't feel too guilty IMHO.

Your mum has a vested interest in you putting up with this shit. If you walk away it shows that she could have too. And that will be incredibly painful for her. I think it is actually a little cruel to vent to her. That's what your mates are for. Has he made sure you have no close mates?

When I said this the other day he just cried, like proper howled into his hands.. Shoulder racking sobs. It's just awful
I bet you cried like that many a night after he kicked out out of your home. Of course, he didn't want to see it because it was too painful for him. But you are expected to watch it. What an absolute fucker. Well, he has shown you the right way to handle it. Tell him it is too painful to see him like this, tell him you don't want any contact for 6 weeks. And do all this by letter. Ideally left at the restaurant.

Perhaps you think that would be unspeakably cruel, that you could never do that to him. If so, that says it all doesn't it?

do you know what else.....if sex is important to you, it's ok to accept that. It's important to me and it was never going to work out with my ex.
My mum is also of the 'stick with it brigade' and when I pointed out that our sex life was rubbish (as part of a longer chat) she said 'there's more to a relationship than that'

and I said 'yes, there is. But it's actually an important part of it for me. I don't want to have sex with him ever again. I'm in my early 30's and I refuse to spend the rest of my life as a sexless unhappy woman because it's 'what you do'....'

This is ok, you know. It's not wrong to want to be with a man who is sexually fulfilling and exciting. It's really ok not to be in a relationship than will never meet your needs.

you have moved on.
but.... don't fear it!
don't take him back.
you're not a good match, which is no-one's fault.
well done for taking control and moving on, by the way.
onwards and upwards.

I don't think it matters how long you take to find yourself. If you decide to go back, he might be on his best behaviour for a while but this relationship will slowly but surely revert to what you've just escaped from.

And I think it's also ikely that this lreationship is the root cause of your depression and anxiety.

You feel the old you coming back. That is probably everything to do with not being with him every day, being dragged down.

He's emotionally blackmailing you back into the relationship (or at least trying to).
Reading your posts it sounds like you've been given a glimpse of a better calmer life and going back to him would be like being locked up.

Just because your mum did it doesn't mean you have to.

I made some enemies recently by stating that there are some circumstances in which not remaining faithful to your partner is understandable and forgivable. I didn't enthusiastically defend affairs or say they're always ok (despite the accusations levelled against me), but I do believe there are times when it is very unreasonable - even immoral - to try to force a person to live like a nun.

And this would be one of those times.

He told you to get out. He told you that the relationship was over and you needed to find someone who made you happy. Duly you did and discovered you were happier without him. Now he's back, and he's telling you your only choices are unsatisfying sex with him, or no sex at all?

He ended the relationship! It is not on again unless you both consensually agree that it is! He doesn't get to decide on his own whether or not you're bound to him! The fact that you are still legally married is irrelevant.

I don't doubt he's ill and I don't doubt that he loves you in his way, or even that you may love him. But that alone is not necessarily enough. He pushed you out, you moved on and now he's trying to pull you back with a lasso. You are not bound to him any more unless you wish to be. And I don't think you wish to be.

You are precious and you have found yourself. Don't let yourself go.

He is convinced I won't ever go back to him if he gives me a few months away - but 6 weeks ago I didn't know he was coming back. So I think I've just got to convince him to trust me and let me work my own head out.

Do you realise how fucked up this ^ is?

He believes you will be happier without him. His reaction? To openly tell you he wants to stop that from happening. Gosh. It's all about him him him isn't it ?

Why do you have to convince him of anything? He can kick you out and go no contact at will but you need his permission to stay separated if he decides he wants you after all. Do you see how bizarre that is?

There is a saying that it takes 1 month for every year to get over a relationship. You've had 6 weeks and it sounds as though you were making great progress and introducing positive changes for YOU.

Forget what he is demanding, for that is what he is doing albeit through manipulative measures. We women are softies and it can be hard to watch a man you once loved crying but be aware that he knows this. Your kindness is apparent and he is playing on your sweet nature.

Whatever you decide it is clear to the outsiders that you need time. Time to consider your own needs, where you see yourself in 5 years time. Fast forward in your mind to your death bed (lets say at 105 years old) and look back at your life in your imagination. The worst two words you will ever say in your life are "if only..."

I didn't see your 17.55 post OP as it was simultaneous to mine.

Buggering off to Portugal shortly after your wedding? Couples were invited but not you?

It sounds like he's been having an affair and went to Portugal with them. That's why he's been an arsehole for a year.

He binned you for her, that's fucked up - perhaps it didn't live up to expectations, and now he wants you back.

Men having affairs are very often awful to their wives to rewrite the script that they're in a bad marriage, and because they're comparing them unfavourably to the OW.

He may be depressed as well, but I'd be surprised if there's not an OW involved.

I was thinking similar to Twinkle about portugal

If you go back to him now you would be like your mum for better for good. Times are different now. Take this chance and make your life comfortable. If you really wanted to be with him you wouldn't be asking our advice. Also, you said you look relaxed now, changed your haircut/style and that made him jealous that you have forgotten about him, that you are having fun. Go back to him and he will be the same. As for sex, my DH is also selfish in bed. The same story. So go. Don't give him chances. He wants to eat his cake and have it. He told you to leave because he wanted to he on his own and now he wants you back. Don't believe him he asked you to leave because he was thinking of you. Rubbish. It was about him.

He is not a kind and caring man. He is a manipulative and selfish man who can occasionally display caring behaviour.

Seriously. The things he has done to you are utterly selfish and I wouldn't go anywhere near a man like that - making you leave by letter, going on a couples trip without you, being selfish in bed, trying to dictate whether you're allowed to have sex with someone else when he's the one who told you to leave...

Your own behaviour is not that of someone who feels like an equal partner either, you talk like someone who is controlled with phrases like "convince him" and you clearly feel guilty for actually enjoying life without him.

Your parents have shown you a relationship model where one person "fixes" the other. That isn't terribly healthy and it isn't great for the fixer. There are other ways to have an equal partnership that fulfils you and makes you happy.

My mum used to say to me, "which path will you regret the least, looking back at the end of your days?". In your heart of hearts, deep down, do you honestly feel you will regret leaving him now? Because it doesn't sound like that at alll...do now what you won't regret tomorrow, because all we can do in life is try to anticipate hindsight and live a life true to ourselves, because only then can we even come close to acheieving true contentment and happiness for ourselves.

I agree with twinkle and starlight that there may have been an OW. What reason did he have not to invite you to Portugal? Couples were allowed and he chose not to take you. Also it was for a week which means he willingly went without you to Portugal for a week knowing that other couples would be going. I think that looks totally suspicious and would ring alarm bells for me.

You also say he came back from Portugal and had been different ever since. Why do you think that was? Did he give you a reason for that too?

I'm struggling to see this nice person that you say he is as everything you say about him makes him sound so incredibly selfish and out for his own gain. It's like he doesn't ever put you first or even consider your needs at all. Are you sure you want to stay married to this man?

Life is too short to remain miserbale in order to keep someone else happy.

So I think I've just got to convince him to trust me and let me work my own head out.

No, you don't have to convince your ex (for that is what he is) of anything.

He dumped you six weeks ago,

If wants to try to win you back, that's up to him.

But the person who needs to be doing the convincing is him and the person who gets to set the ground rules for any reconciliation is you.

You are a single woman recently dumped (in a very cruel manner) by her husband.

It is up to you what you do next with your life.

Your marriage is a smashed plate. Your instinct is to try and salvage what you can and stick it back together, but it would never be the same. I think eventually the cracks would break apart again. You deserve a new plate.

Yeah, a "new plate" that gives you orgasms...

Moron reading your posts, I think it's clear that you are not in a place where you want him back. It's all very well that he feels better, remorseful etc but it is actually how you feel that counts.

Regardless of needing a flirt and a self esteem boost, your relationship with him broke down. Yes, he was ill. But, and I don't mean this as a reflection on you or him personally, just as a fact, hard times will make or break a relationship. Illness, grief, financial difficulty. All of these things are extremely difficult and not all relationships survive them. It seems to me, that yours hasn't. That's ok. It's ok not to want to work or settle or go backwards.
You have to do what is best for you and what makes you happy.

Report it then if you think it's fake.

Please not fake :(

If only this was a fake thread.. I understand how fucked up this but I am in turmoil.

We have spoken again this evening. It's all very angry. He is convinced I have already slept around which upsets me as I've never been that person.
He is also convinced I've made my mind up and isn't listening to a word im saying..

This is not remotely fake :( if you look back 6 weeks ago.. You will find that I posted when this initially happened.
I'm currently struggling and don't need to be judged by strangers like I am the people on my life. So thank you for that.