Can you be a lesbian but still like sex with men?

[velourvoyageur]

Just wondering. Promise I'm not a troll.
I sometimes wonder if I'm just plain gay and not bi but I do like sex with men because (sorry) there's nothing else exactly like a dick. But I don't feel the same attraction to men as I do to women.

It's not that important, I mean the classification of attraction or whatever, don't mind if I or anyone else is gay, bi, straight, just curious as to whether anyone had any thoughts?

Bisexual people don't become homo/heterosexual based on their current choice of partner.

It wouldn't necessarily have obvious impacts on their partners but I think repressed sexuality causes misery for individuals whether or not they hurt anyone else in the process.

Another really toxic one is that bisexual women who have suffered sexual violence from men are not really bisexual, just damaged. There are high levels of sexual violence suffered by bisexual women as a result of objectification of them based on their sexuality then they are marginalised as a result of suffering said violence.

Well people do Offred. Women are attracted to men and women, decide to be a lesbian, and find they are no longer attracted to men.
The idea that sexuality is set in stone and never changes is an odd one. It clearly can.

Well, I don't agree. I think once you are an adult your sexuality is fixed but as a bisexual person it is easier to live your life as a hetero/homosexual if you want to. That doesn't mean you are no longer bisexual and I'm not sure how anyone would be able to 'clearly' know. Many bisexual people prefer one side more than the other to the point their attraction to one gender may be irrelevant or may even perhaps become irrelevant over time (to other people) but it doesn't mean they aren't technically bisexual. Not really sure why so many people are so scared of the word tbh. But TBH I think this is the whole problem with these labels - they are restrictive and form part of discrimination and prejudice.

I am not at all scared of the word bisexual. But should someone really call themselves bisexual if they were once attracted to both sexes, and now only to one?
And yes, this does happen.

A couple of women I know have had relationships with women but are now married and regard themselves as 'straight'. They are not lying. I've read that it's also not uncommon for older women to develop more attraction for women. I agree with you Offred that the term 'bisexual' is unhelpful. But I agree with PP that sexuality can change even in adulthood.

Well they don't have to call themselves anything!

But what I'm questioning is the idea that bisexual people can choose to repress their sexuality and become homo/heterosexual by choice. I think that's a really offensive thing to think.

If your sexual attraction has moved towards homosexual and has remained that way for a stable period it would certainly be more relevant for you to use the homosexual label to describe yourself to other people because it's a more functional description.

I just don't agree that people can choose to will their sexuality to change. I think that's repression and denial.

How people choose to describe themselves is up to them.

Sexuality can and does change over time for some people.
I know women who say they chose to be lesbians,

I suspect people who end up concretely at either end were perhaps exploring their sexuality and maybe more accurately described as homo/hetero all along but therein lies the problem with labels - all the negative connotations brought on by restrictive effects! Plenty of homosexual people (particularly men) have had sex with the opposite gender because of discrimination against homosexuals. Some people who have had sexual relationships with both genders will be suffering the effects of discrimination before they feel able to express their 'true' sexuality. Some bisexual people will eventually cave to societal pressure to identify with one side. It's certainly possible that true sexuality rather than sexual behaviour could change in adulthood but I don't believe that personally and it's impossible to tell.

Lots of gay men in these corrective courses, usually run by churches, will insist they are now heterosexual. I just don't think it is as easy as looking at what people say when we live in a discriminatory society. I also think the only time it's concerning to other people directly is when someone is misapplying a label to themselves in a way that damages others. People with bisexual attraction who describe themselves as hetero/homosexual are not likely to be damaging anyone else because they are likely to really be attracted to their partners, though they would perhaps be happier if they were able to express their sexuality freely.

I mean think about the psychology of someone choosing to be a lesbian. It involves them feeling that being bisexual, being what they are, is bad and taking steps to deny a part of themselves so whilst I think that's a really sad thing I also think it's up to them in the same way it's up to other bisexual people whether they tell people directly about their sexuality. I don't think it is up to individuals to use their lives and their children's lives to fight discrimination by sacrificing themselves to a discriminatory society. I would never have encouraged a gay man to fight discrimination by coming out when it was illegal to be gay either. It's up to governments to take steps to eradicate and stifle discriminatory institutions and practices and people can identify themselves in ways they choose, if the way they choose is directly harmful people are justified in stepping in but otherwise it is part of the individual's right to a private life IMO.

I wonder how many men are fiercely suppressing their bisexuality? To be homosexually active is a culturally terrifying thing for men, generally speaking. If they decide they're gay they face fear & loathing, but they at least have legal protections and the existence of a strong pink/rainbow society for support & belonging. If they decide they're straight they enjoy all the protections of male privilege and normalcy.

There might be a medium-sized army of rather angry 'straight' men who are inflicting lifelong suppression of their bisexuality on themselves. I've never thought about this before but you're right, Offred, it is more despised than homosexuality.

I'm absolutely positive that there are! For the reasons you describe!

I'm not one of the bisexual people who thinks all people are bisexual really because I think that's discriminatory too but I do think there is high likely to be a large number of, particularly male, bisexuals who are entirely dissociated from their feelings of same sex attraction.

Sorry, haven't rtft yet, but Graham Norton wrote in his autobiography that he actually found sex with women to be more physically pleasurable, but that he was still drawn to men, not women.

I don't think you should worry about nailing your colours to any particular mast, we're all supposed to be somewhere on a sliding scale of sexuality anyway.

Female bisexuals are more able to 'come out' than male bisexuals simply because the discrimination they generally face from the majority (heterosexual male dominated society) is related to objectification and sexual violence/rape culture whereas men face complete devaluation and loss of potential privileged status. As part of 'other' already, bisexual women have little to lose.

Apologies if this has already been covered (it' a long thread to read through) but I feel similarly to the op. I do find other women attractive sexually but aside from above-waist teenage fumblings have never gone there. I'm now married with kids and have briefly discussed things with my dh (no one else knows I feel that way and it seems pointless to tell anyone else seeing as I'm settled and it would just open a can of worms where I have to explain/justify myself) DH doesn't have any problems with it, but wants an exclusive relationship and has ruled out me exploring things. But part of me is thinking...life is too short! And at the age of 29 I've got many more years to think "I wonder?" And the thing is, I get the feeling that I would miss cock/male ejaculation in an exclusively female relationship.

Also, can you even identify as bi if you've never been there? Interested to hear what people think on that question especially.

Also, can you even identify as bi if you've never been there? Interested to hear what people think on that question especially.

Yes, you certainly can because sexuality labels are about attraction not behaviour.

The stuff about graham norton is interesting as there is a pattern of writing out bisexuality and implying homosexuality with famous people. If graham norton wants to label himself as a gay man that's his choice but it's technically correct to label someone who is attracted to both sexes and enjoys sex with both as bisexual - the reasons people don't want to adopt or use that term, despite it being the technically correct term, surely speak to prejudice concerning the meaning of 'bisexual' and the social consequences of self identifying in that way rather than someone's true sexuality.

Offred, no it is not about prejudice. As George Michael said, he used to think he was bisexual because he enjoyed sex with both women and men. But he decided he was gay when he realised it was only ever men he actually fell in love with.
You have a very prescriptive idea of who should call themselves lesbian or gay.

BrushtheHeat - I totally understand your DH only wanting to be in an exclusive relationship. Whether or not you want to get involved with women, is a decision only you can make.
There was a thread on here about 3 years ago of women who lived with men, but were considering their attraction to women. Might make interesting reading for you if you can find it. Some did actually leave their husbands.

Thanks caryam I don't blame my dh wanting exclusivity at all. Whilst he's known from early on in our relationship that I found other women attractive, it wasn't something I wanted to explore at that point. And fidelity was what we agreed to when we took our vows. Besides, I'm not sure how I would feel had we had this discussion but vice versa, probably insecure I think! I guess this is a typical case of wanting your cake and eating it and maybe I should view it in the same way as someone might view someone who settled done too early and wanted to play the field. The sexual orientation or gender of whoever is the other woman/man is a red herring. Dh definitely wins out but at the same time I wonder how I might feel when I'm nearer old age... Very difficult. I would never do something without his "permission" or at least if I did, I wouldn't expect our marriage to survive. He is everything to me.

I just kind of wish I had the back bone to admit I fancied women too before I chose my life partner (I actually hate the phrase life partner!).

It sounds like you either need to decide to focus on what you have, or to leave your DH and explore relationships with women.
I know some women who are with men they love, but say if the relationship ever ended, they would choose to be with a woman next time.

It would be a shame to end a relationship that has so many other aspects to it though purely to experience sex with a woman. I'm not sure what you think you are missing but it might not live up to expectations. Then again I'm all for moving on if you want out of your current relationship for whatever reason.