DH expects me to become the cleaner in the work holidays- does yours?

[Millie3030]

So have a few weeks off work now and enjoying time with DS, playing, reading going to farms, swimming, arts and crafts days, out and about and bonding with my little guy.

I work longi(ish) days and it's a real treat to just be off, wear jeans, not be dressed and out the door by 7am. Our house is quite tidy, most people say it is really tidy, it's not, we have a play area where DS can go mad with toys, the kitchen is pretty tidy and clean, and lounge is tidy and hoovered twice a week. now I know I'm off work but when this happens do you then become the main cleaner?

My DH has always kind of hinted/suggested that the house should be sorted while he is at work. I'm running around after a toddler and now feel I have to make the house spotless for his return. This week the dishwasher has been unloaded, beds made, dinner cooked and cleaned away while he puts DS to bed, washing done, house hoovered, is that enough or do you do more? He will say "but you are off, you should be doing more than me".

Basically am I lazy cow? Or should I say "I'm off work chill out!"

TheVeryThing and Twinklestein absolutely have it.

He is not the boss of you. What is he going to do if you continue not to be 'up to par'? Fire you?!

Hardly.

I raised this on an all-too-familiar, and all-too-recent thread along exactly the same lines ... how do you manage to maintain a sex life with a man like this? How can you possibly desire a man who treats you like a maid and a skivvy. Being intimate with him must be such a chore. :(

You deserve better than this, and there is better out there. In fact, 'better out there' basically constitutes being single, and dancing to your own tune.

Oh op. You sound very confused and bamboozled by it all.

I'm tempted the day stop doing anything so he has chance to appreciate what you do but I suspect you're too lovely for that

I agree with going on strike.

Much as you will hate the mess, it will be preferable to always being back-footed as you are now.

How very fucking dare he? Thinking he is the boss of you?

Tell him to get fucked, stop 'discussing' things with him. You're only giving his his Neanderthal expectations credence.

What a twat. Sorry you have ended up like this but he has a problem IMO. I work long days (15+hours including travel on occassion ) and don't expect anyone to do anything.

It's your holiday, enjoy it. If he wants to pull you up on things, you need to firmly tell him what you have been doing and as it's your holiday, you can do what you want. Who does he think he is? Does this sort of crap go on these days FFS?

By Wednesday he is having a moan because upstairs hasnt been hoovered, (I did downstairs and the stairs on Monday) and that the shower hasn't been cleaned,

How can you possibly have sex with a man who moans at you to do the hoovering and clean the shower as if you were the chambermaid? I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who complained to a real chambermaid about this kind of crap. God the thought of an adult moaning about hoovering and cleaning and expecting another adult to do it for him.

This has nothing to do with hoovering or showers - he wants to control you and how you spend your time and he wants to do it in such a way that you are in a subservient role doing what he wants, ideally menial work.

I would honestly start thinking about what this relationship brings to your life.

In the meantime, I agree with others - just don't engage. If he moans on about the hoovering (god was there ever a less attractive thing a man could talk about), just open the newspaper or read your book or murmur, yes dear and if he tantrums and demands you do it, stand up and say "stop beig so ridiculous, this isn't Downton Abbey and I am not the maid" and get out of the room.

When I complained to DH that he wasn't pulling his weight and asked him to take care of the hoovering (to genuinely help out) he bought a Roomba at £600.

It sort of pissed me off at the time that his response to being asked to help out more was to throw money at the issue and basically sub-contract it. I have to admit that I am now quite fond of the Roomba.

I still think you should tell your DH to f off, but you could also buy a roomba.

By Wednesday he is having a moan because upstairs hasnt been hoovered, (I did downstairs and the stairs on Monday) and that the shower hasn't been cleaned

The answer to that is - "so you noticed that the upstairs needed hoovering and that the shower needed a clean? And what did you do about it?"

'he expects me to spend DS's one hour nap time stripping the beds and cleaning the bathroom his EXACT words this afternoon.'

The problem here is that he is assuming the posture of your boss, telling you what he expects you to do with your time.

Beware because this is one that needs to be nipped in the bud, or actually mowed down as it seems to be getting quite a grip..

'he will say something like, "when you tell me not to leave my shoes in the hallway because you trip over them, you are trying to control me too, so I will leave my shoes where I want!" '

If this is the case then you and he need to go to Relate (after you go on strike for a few weeks) because somebody has a bad case of wanting to win a power struggle and it is not you.

I mean, if his reaction to being told to do (or not) something, is to want to do the exact opposite, then why does he think his, 'I expect X, Y or Z to happen' is going to go down at all well?

He's rude, unkind, entitled, and utterly lacking in empathy.

His good points...?

Oh I wish you lovely mumsnetters could be stood next to me to help me say these things to him.

I wrote a list yesterday of the good and bad points in our marriage and the the list was 11 bad 3 good. I know it's always warped though when you are not in a good place.

I have felt sick the last 2 days just worrying about the conversation and the outcome. He came home yesterday just before 6, I then nipped out to get milk and bread and came home to the potty training DS on the sofa in the lounge while he was mowing the lawn. he then took over an hour to mow the lawn (don't know how it's only small) so started to take DS to bed at 7:15, at this point he was overtired, there were tears again, screaming for mummy, horrendous. I kind of lost it by this point and shouted upstairs "can you just put him to bed without tears!" He then said "you do it if your so bloody good at it!" And came downstairs leaving DS is in his room crying. I said "no, I have put him to bed every night this week, if you hadn't started putting him to bed at 7:15 it would have been calmer but you are focusing on the bloody lawn and not your son, in the one hour you spend with him a day!" He went back and put him to bed.

Still pretty much a stand off, I'm sleeping in the spare room as just being near him, he doesn't really seem to care, I think I'm right, he thinks he is right, we are both being stubborn idiots. He however is still in bed right now.

YABU to have allowed him to get away with never having his own child for the day since he as born. He sounds like a complete arse to be honest.

He sounds awful.
I agree with everyone saying he's acting like your boss. And what a ridiculous comment about the shoes.
Let him know that a marriage is about teamwork. You each do what you can to have a supportive and happy life.
So yes, you both do chores and spend time with each other and your children and no, you don't leave your shoes lying around just to make an idiotic point or nag and criticise each other.

I think you need to go away for a weekend. Ideally on an occasion when you happen to know his Mum already has plans. He really needs to try looking after his son on his own, not just to actually realise how demanding it can be, but also because, you know, he is his son.

I think Math has it spot on. The fundamental issue is that he thinks he is your boss.

Interesting comment about him thinking you need to pay for the cleaner:

1. Why wouldn't you both go halves, since he creates half the mess?
2. Is he controlling with money? Are your finances separate? Does he have more disposable income than you?

Does he realise that by you having longer holidays, you are saving thousands on childcare costs?

My eyesight isn't brilliant but try as I might I can't see "For use only by those with a vagina" on cleaning products and appliances, your stuff must carry different labelling.

Perhaps at the root of it all is the fact that his line of work doesn't give him as much leave as you get and he's jealous.

He is an utter dick. His obsession with cleaning is fucking odd as well.

Get a cleaner.

We used to have a cleaner a couple of years ago and went halves, he was just saying you should pay to be spiteful, he always says things in arguments and then says I didn't mean it, ridiculous because you can't argue with the man as he exaggerates, twists, lies or says things 'he doesn't mean' so things never get resolved.

He cant control my money, we have a joint account all bills get paid from, and we our own accounts.

I said that we are saving loads on childcare, he doesn't seem to care about that. A couple of days away does sound good, but I'm also a wimp and not sure I will actually book anything.

So after him waking at 9 this morning and trying to make small talk before he goes to work, I say why are you acting like everything is fine? He basically doesn't take any blame for anything, and is now pissed off with me for shouting up to him last night about putting DS to bed without tears. So now I'm the bad guy. And so it all starts again......

I think that whoever is on holiday should do some housework through the day. But it sounds as if you already do quite a bit already so he is being unreasonable. Tell him to pay for a cleaner if he's not happy. TBH I'd tell him to get lost but in stronger terms.

His obsession with cleaning is really odd, he also has another weird control thing with house stuff, I posted about it last week, I don't know how to put a link to another thread of mine? It was called - Is this equal in our marriage?

Book yourself on a weekend retreat or a volunteering project or a painting weekend. Or go and visit a friend. Whatever you fancy. Somewhere you can switch your phone off and have some fun without being criticised.

here

Hi Op - your husband is controlling - it's an interesting one as he wants to control how you spend your time. I've come across this in research papers and it was nicknamed "restoring the gender balance" and is seen where the wife has paid employment but is also expected to do all the housework and is not allowed free time or a hobby. If the wife tries to take up a hobby the husband reacts badly and refuses to do any housework while she is out - this way your hobby then takes away the time you would have spent doing housework so you end up even more stressed.

Men who do this, deep down believe all housework and childcare should be done by women. They believe they are entitled to women's unpaid work and their wives should put their husband's needs above all things. The fact your husband sees his responsibility to the children as either leaving them with you or his mother shows his attitude plainly.

Sadly, research has shown that men with this mindset never ever change and if you push him he'll punish you more and blame you and accuse you of being at fault simply for not having the same view as him. You will end up in a cycle of drudgery, arguments, resentment and criticism. It won't get better I'm afraid. Talking to him will have no effect as he knows he can continue to do nothing and you'll do the housework and take care of the kids so his motivation to change is zero.

You do need to think about whether he is worth waiting on hand and foot - for which you will receive no thanks or appreciation, ever.

Thanks for that link donkey.

miggsie that cycle you have described sounds quite accurate.

Some of you have said don't have a discussion with him, but then what do we do, just continue as normal? Or should we have a frank discussion tonight and try to come up with a solution? This is the how the conversation will go I'm 99.999% sure

Me: What exactly are you unhappy with me about?
DH: I want you when you are off work to do more, to clean the shower and Hoover upstairs, and do more than usual. You shouted up to me yesterday when I was putting DS to bed, he is my DH too it's not for you to tell me how to parent (I do think he is right with this, I probably was out of order)
Me: Do you not think given that on Monday i was potty training DH and still managed to make the beds, Hoover, cook dinner, unload the dishwasher and clean up dinner that first day it was enough?

DH: you could have cleaned he bathroom on Tuesday whilst DS was having a nap.
Me: I could have, but I sat down and had a cup of tea and read my potty training book, then you walked in from work. You didn't 'catch me' doing something naughty, I was sitting in my home having a cup of tea. I am allowed to do that, when I am on holiday from work.
DH: (I know he will use this one example) well it's one rule for you and one rule for me, when you came home from work last month you had a go at me because the kitchen was a mess, but I can't have a go at you because you havnt cleaned the shower while you have been off?

This was because last month I came home from work at 8/9pm he had been with DS all day (he has one day off in the week and works at the weekend) and the kitchen looked like a bomb had hit it, i did say bloody hell look at this kitchen, he was sat watching telly and said he had been busy that day and would have got round to it. So I do think he will have a point, and maybe I shouldn't have said anything, because it can't be one rule for me and one rule for him can it?

No it shouldn't be about one rule for him and one rule for you but he's the one who's doing that.
He's laying down rules for you. You were bringing to his attention, his own rules.
Try discussing with him but instead of having a discussion about what he does and what you do, discuss how you want to live and what you want to happen from today.
And you have every right to sit down and do nothing if you feel like it. He doesn't get to tell you what you do.
Life isn't about how much housework you can get done on a daily basis.
It's not like you're lazy and living in a pit.

Does he ever do any house work at all? Yes, maybe a little more while you're off is one thing, but him telling you to do this, and expecting you to be his fucking skivvy while he sits and dictates jobs to you, is revolting.

What exactly does he do around the house? Sounds like he gets in from work and 'supervises' your DS, while you run around doing all the other jobs you haven't been able to do during the day.